Letting go - are you good at it?

[candie13]

so, I was wondering, how good are you at letting go? Do you just make a rational decision and stick to it, do you go back and forth, when is it that you actually manage to let go?

 

I am great at break ups and terrible at letting go. Most of the times, the guys I break up with are too pissed with me to come back or try to mend things.

 

As you all may remember, I keep trying to get out of a relationship for over 2 months now. I think this time, I've had it. I think I've dumped him... I dunno, 4 times, maybe, over this time laps. He always came back, always found the right arguments... and I really did believe him. Or maybe I just liked that he was putting up a fight, I dunno. Or maybe he felt challenged when I was dumping him, that's why he kept coming back... you imagine the toxicity of this dynamic.

 

But let's get back to you. If you were to think back, when is it that you manage to give up hope of any reconciliation and move on? Is it a process or a moment? Anything specific triggers it? Time, patience, maybe another partner?

 

I am in full NC and he is away right now. I know what I need to do - continue with NC and avoid him like the plague, so I am very much aware of what I personally need to do to get better. I know that right now, I just need to keep strong and be patient, for this pill to get down better.

 

I'd just like to mentally explore how you experience the letting go part. If you've ever had to deal with an ex that wouldn't give up on you, but yet, was just wrong...

 

thanks, people, cheers !

[Ireallydontknow]

Letting go has been a back and forth thing for me. Some days I am good at it, it's usually through channeled anger. Other days everything reminds me of her, even silly things like rain! "Awe we used to love rainy days together."

 

I'm not sure when I can fully let go, I still would love to work things out with her, but shes jumped into a new relationship while we were still together. I want to let go, but it's so hard. I love her still, and I don't want to.

[Calcmag]

Interesting question.

In my past, I've been very good at letting go. Once I decide the relationship is over, I walked away and I stayed away. Same if I was dumped.

However, in my most recent relationship we are both hopeless at letting go.

Have broken up many times because we know the relationship just isn't right although we do love one another. But we can't seem to stay away from each other. This is very destructive and is bad for both of us.

I'm just on the point of deciding if we need break up again. Our most recent break up was in March. I was adamant that it was over. He broke NC a couple of times, I didn't respond. Then one time he emailed me and caught me at a weak moment. I agreed to be friends, but he persisted and we ended up getting back together.

This is unhealthy for us both.

I know that if I do break it off again then this time it really does have to be over. I was strong enough last time to know i wouldn't be the one to break NC, but when he did, I weakened....so I will change my phone number, block his email and get another email account, will do whatever it takes to stay in NC.

[candie13]

Ireallydontknow, not having someone drag you back into a dysfunctional relationship is a blessing in disguise. Of course, I am convinced both partners, in a relationship, should try until they are both convinced (or at least one of them) that it will never work. And leave immediately after that conviction surfaces.

 

Truth is, if it didn't work the first time, it won't work a second time, or a third time... most of the times. While exception may exist, my experience shows me that once it's broken, it's beyond repair. If that wasn't the case, it wouldn't have gotten broken in the same place, isn't it?

 

Cur your losses, Ireallydontknow and channel your anger in a constructive way. I hit the gym very hard and am working extra hard right now. I was never in my life more tired than the last two days, I can tell you that.

[templeofmax]

Interesting question.

In my past, I've been very good at letting go. Once I decide the relationship is over, I walked away and I stayed away. Same if I was dumped.

However, in my most recent relationship we are both hopeless at letting go.

Have broken up many times because we know the relationship just isn't right although we do love one another. But we can't seem to stay away from each other. This is very destructive and is bad for both of us.

I'm just on the point of deciding if we need break up again. Our most recent break up was in March. I was adamant that it was over. He broke NC a couple of times, I didn't respond. Then one time he emailed me and caught me at a weak moment. I agreed to be friends, but he persisted and we ended up getting back together.

This is unhealthy for us both.

I know that if I do break it off again then this time it really does have to be over. I was strong enough last time to know i wouldn't be the one to break NC, but when he did, I weakened....so I will change my phone number, block his email and get another email account, will do whatever it takes to stay in NC.

 

What about therapy? What about taking space from each other to REALLY WORK on the individual issues that are causing this?

[candie13]

However, in my most recent relationship we are both hopeless at letting go.

 

I know exactly what you're talking about. Never had that in my life, it's the only relationship that I keep dragging after me, like a dead body who refuses to just... die!

 

Have broken up many times because we know the relationship just isn't right although we do love one another. But we can't seem to stay away from each other. This is very destructive and is bad for both of us.

 

Same here. My relationship isn't destructive, but is making me very unhappy and anxious, constantly. I thought having a bf was supposed to make one feel happy and relaxed - at least, thats' what happened with my previous ones. Irrespective of that, due to a high ... chemistry or smth, we were both unable to split: I was unable to break up for good, he was unable to not try as hard as he could to come back, I was unable not to believe him that he really meant well and that things would be different... this time. Too bad we're the same people, thus things are never different

 

I'm just on the point of deciding if we need break up again.

Best of luck, darling. Remember, your relationship should give you power, not drain you of it. As crazy as it may seem, if your relationship is any similar with mine, you will feel better, a lot better, after you break up with him.

 

Our most recent break up was in March. I was adamant that it was over. He broke NC a couple of times, I didn't respond. Then one time he emailed me and caught me at a weak moment. I agreed to be friends, but he persisted and we ended up getting back together.

This is unhealthy for us both.

I hear you there...

 

I know that if I do break it off again then this time it really does have to be over. I was strong enough last time to know i wouldn't be the one to break NC, but when he did, I weakened....so I will change my phone number, block his email and get another email account, will do whatever it takes to stay in NC.

Oh, I have seen it all. Calls, texts, candies at the door, talking to me in public, to get a moment of my time... MY weak spot was confrontation, so I avoided him as much as I could... until I ran into him in the city. Terrible, how weak we get, no?

 

You know what I think? When you've had enough, when you've understood that it's a lost cause, then you won't need to change your phone number or block his emails or change your address. You will just ignore him and move on.

 

It's just that this process is a painful one and it takes a lot of time. Or of strength and determination. Or a combination of three. Or maybe just a lot of will power.

 

Donnot know about you, but I am a grown woman, with no time to waste for lost causes. Looking forward to reading lots of happy things from you, poster !

[Ireallydontknow]

Ireallydontknow, not having someone drag you back into a dysfunctional relationship is a blessing in disguise. Of course, I am convinced both partners, in a relationship, should try until they are both convinced (or at least one of them) that it will never work. And leave immediately after that conviction surfaces.

 

Truth is, if it didn't work the first time, it won't work a second time, or a third time... most of the times. While exception may exist, my experience shows me that once it's broken, it's beyond repair. If that wasn't the case, it wouldn't have gotten broken in the same place, isn't it?

 

Cur your losses, Ireallydontknow and channel your anger in a constructive way. I hit the gym very hard and am working extra hard right now. I was never in my life more tired than the last two days, I can tell you that.

 

It wasn't an issue of fixing the relationship. It was the issue of a facebook guy moving in on her, and her being dumb enough to fall for it. I tried my damnest to hold on to her, but it didn't work. NEW and SHINY is always going to look tempting.

 

It didn't help she was depressing, had no motivation, goals, etc. This guy didn't want her out of her comfort zone, I did. So she chose to wallow, wallow, wallow, I even think she moved in with this guy within the first week.

 

I expect a crash and burn. I know how she is, and old habits die hard. If the guy isn't a push over, or a the patron saint of patience like I was. It's not going to end well.

 

So I keep working on myself! While she keeps feeding into her self destructive nature. I've been hitting the gym hard myself and I'm going to a fitness spa for a month. I'm also blessed that the house I live in has a private gym Which is pretty cool.

[candie13]

I realize now that how your previous partner is, what they want, how they are, really is or should be irrelevant. They are out of our lives for a reason... Why they did what they did, if they crash and burn or become ecstatic along someone new... who cares.

 

What I find hardest isn't seeing that my partner has moved one, also I imagine how painful that must be. To me, the hardest is to give up hope, hope that things will get better or turn the way I hope them to turn.

 

In my case with my bf, the most difficult part is to accept the fact that no matter how much we try, we will keep having very different needs and expectations. Incompatible needs and expectations, really. Accepting the "incompatible" part is such a b*tch.