Moper Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Let's forget about philanderers as I think they are different breed. What is the difference between someone who actually has a physical affair, and someone who is experiencing some deep emotional issue wherein they have abandoned their spouse emotionally and contemplated something outside of their marriage? Personally I don't see a real difference here other than perhaps some kind of subconscious attempt to scuttle the marriage or project some reality on the abandonment. Either way it seems to me to be infidelity. I am not sure I expressed this well and I'm sure it is because this confuses the hell out of me.
SoleMate Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 You're asking a perennial question: Is the betrayal worse in an EA or a PA or are they both equivalent? Well, it varies. It used to be that EAs were very much downplayed as threats to a marriage. These days we understand that EAs can be as hurtful to the BS and as threatening to the stability of a marriage as a PA (which has been acknowledged longer as a marital crisis). As a gross generalization, a man is more offended by his wife's PA than EA, and a woman is more hurt by her H's EA than PA. And there are many individual variations depending on other variables like duration, lies, promising a future to the OP, etc. Bottom line, here at LS you'll find very few people trivializing either PA or EA. Most people acknowledge great harm from both. Asking which is worse is like asking whether it's better to break your arm or your leg. Although it could be debated, the answer does nothing to heal the broken limb. 4
Author Moper Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Count me in as being of the opinion that there is no difference. However I am not asking exactly that question. Suppose it never actually reaches an EA. I am prompted here by the "discussion" on split-self. It seems to me there is a focus on the actual physical affair rather than the underlying alleged problem. My pain, I think, is the underlying alleged problem. That I have not acted it out except in my own thoughts does not help me one bit.
Mycteria Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I'm inclined to think that a strictly physical affair would be worse for me. An emotional affair signals emotional problems in the WS but more importantly in the marriage itself. If that is the case, both spouses can work together and fix the problems and hopefully come out stronger than before. If the affair was strictly physical (no emotional component at all, or very little) then I think it's harder to fix. It implies serious issues within the WS that make them seek other sexual partners. It's really hard to talk someone out of that. Some people are not naturally monogamous. People who have affairs just for the sexual pleasure are likely just not monogamous, and they never will be no matter how muh begging, pleading, and therapy the BS demands. I think EAs that turn physical usually follow the first pattern and are easier to overcome. There's also the ONS affair, where the WS put themselves in a bad position and succumbed to temptation. These are usually just matters of poor boundaries and are also relatively easy to overcome, with some effort. I think lumping affairs into just EAs and PAs is too restrictive. 4
Turtles Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 There is no doubt in my mind that a physical affair is a more severe transgression. I feel I could possibly rationalize & forgive an emotional affair (as in, "I wasn't there for her when she needed me", etc etc), depending on the exact circumstances of course and how determined she would be in earning back the trust. But a physical affair would be going too far. Not to mention the fact that I would have been unknowingly exposed to the potential for STDs. I am a man so maybe that is how I am biased.
Sparty97 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 There is no doubt in my mind that a physical affair is a more severe transgression. I feel I could possibly rationalize & forgive an emotional affair (as in, "I wasn't there for her when she needed me", etc etc), depending on the exact circumstances of course and how determined she would be in earning back the trust. But a physical affair would be going too far. Not to mention the fact that I would have been unknowingly exposed to the potential for STDs. I am a man so maybe that is how I am biased. If there is no sex in the marriage there is no exposure to STD's.
Els Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Shouldn't this be in Infidelity? I think a significant difference is that EAs are by their very nature long-lived (since emotional attachment takes time to develop) whereas PAs could either be one-off or prolonged. Most long-term PAs involve some form of EA as well, I'd think, so that would be the worst of all to me. But I would probably be less hurt by a one-off PA than a EA. Doesn't change the fact that all of the above are wrong, though. Is there a purpose of rating one wrong as better or worse than another wrong?
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 So you didn't actually have an affair, but are contemplating one? (With nobody specific in mind for the future affair)? Is your question- Since I've already mentally detached from my marriage to the point that I am contemplating affairs, how much worse would it be if I actually went through with one? Am I way off? The details of your story seem confusing, but I could have missed some important details in another thread
todreaminblue Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) This si what ifeel, when soemoen has a physical affair based purely on the mechanics of it and physical gratification there is no thoughts of leaving a partner for that act even thought at act is a possible relationship killer in itself......but...when the act is not an act and exists in the emotional sphere it is a different ball game...far more damaging........far more hurtful.....when a cheating partner says i think i am in love with them and not in love with you any more and it comes from that heart of his or hers.......when they are looking at you they are not thinking of you and what they have just said to you that has ripped you apart...as you look in their eyes you see love reflected back at you...that isnt yours to have any more...he/she has shining eyes......thinking of someone else........while telling you ....they dont love you anymore and you sit there devoted still....in love still......and trying to process.....the man or woman sitting in front of you that has hurt you like no other can with shining eyes while your heart just shatters to pieces .....and you go numb with grief............and all you did was love them be there for them .......be true .........some times years of hard knocks and good times shared flash by I have been told by some who have gone through this...... its like a jab followed by a knock out...i would prefer the king hit..i can take a hit...many of them... ...emotional attachment is what keeps a marriage going after years..that bond...when it breaks...it hits you like a sledgehammer.. cheating and sleeping with others is wrong causes massive hurt on both sides.....or three sides.........but being hit with an emotional onslaught of a non existent love.........that you thought was there and alive but wasnt.......i dont think.....that it can get much worse...or more emotionally damaging...than a love that is dead in the water, from one who you truly love.....deb Edited August 29, 2013 by todreaminblue
dichotomy Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 It is all up to the individual and the situation and the details. It can't be classified down to two terms. There are so many other factors for each BS to consider for themselves. Also I think perhaps in some cases, the WS, however pitiful, tries to keep some boundaries for the BS and their marriage during the affair. On the other hand some WS are down right all out cruel to their BS and the marriage during the whole affair. Then there is what WS does after dDay that also helps frame the affair in a BS's eyes. Each BS has to consider what it the affair, type and details mean to them - how hurtful it was to them - and what it means to end or not end the marriage to them.
affairaddict Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 EA that turn to PA slowly Are the worst and most addictive. These are the ones that often feel like love or actually do turn in to love. A purely physical affair is nothing compared to the above
Turtles Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 If there is no sex in the marriage there is no exposure to STD's. This is true and if for some reason I was unable to have sex I would probably have a different view on this question. But being in a sexless marriage is not an excuse for cheating either.
xxoo Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Of course it makes a difference. It is an additional hurt, as well as being qualitatively different. Both have the potential to destroy. Combined? Oy.... My pain, I think, is the underlying alleged problem. That I have not acted it out except in my own thoughts does not help me one bit. Do you believe a physical affair would help your problem? Have you discussed your pain with your wife?
Realist3 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 In my view a strictly EA is worse that a strictly PA. Why do we get married? Why do we have friendships? Is it because of the sex? No, it is because of the emotional attachment that develops. If you allow your heart to go with someone else that is the most intimate thing you can give to another person. Add sex to an EA and it is the most damaging to a marriage. If a WS is caught they will try and diminish both the emotional and sexual side. You will hear on the sexual side, "It was just sex. It only happened once or twice." On the emotional side you will never hear, "I was/am in love with them." The reason you will never hear that is because falling in love with someone else is the ultimate betrayal. 1
Recommended Posts