BanditK Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 This is an on going saga folks but in January, I broke up with a gal I’d dated for two years. We’d broken up a few times and I made my fair share of mistakes. I realized a few months later she was the gal for me but she was seeing someone else. They broke up and I tried to get back together. She said she was dealing with school and the spark had died somewhat. She graduates college and moves to California and tries to rekindle things with the other guy. He dumps her again. She calls me up after not speaking with me for over three weeks and apologizes for how she acted. She says her new life is very tough and she misses me and what we had. I was reluctant at first as I had moved on but eventually we got to talking again and it turned romantic. I kept asking her if she was sure it was what she wanted…. She said yes. I purchased a plane ticket to go see her and things were great for another three weeks until she called me up in tears on Sunday and explained that she wasn’t sure I was the one, felt the pressure of me coming out there (and possibly moving there someday) and that she was lost and didn’t know what she wanted out of life. Some fighting and chaos ensued. She says she wants to be friends. For right now at least so that she can “find herself.” She feels terrible about it all and isn’t comfortable with letting me go as we had talked marriage and really understand one another. However, she says she can simply not be with anyone right now as she tries to find herself. Aside from the absolute shock, I am severely torn…… I’m mad as hell that I fell for the trick again. It makes my blood boil but she was someone I really saw myself with. However, I don’t think I can trust her anymore and I told her as such. That being said, she really is struggling and is having a rough time in her new settings. She doesn’t have any friends, is very shy and is questioning her job choice. Am I wise to cut all ties, chalk the non-refundable ticket up to a lose and never speak to her again? Or do I go and try to help a friend? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
almond Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 As nice as it would be, you cannot be friends with her at the moment. Too much emotion, too likely to end in tears. To be honest, it sounds as though she called you up because she's scared and lonely. This is incredibly unfair on you, and a bit of a selfish move if it's true. You need to cut contact, and move on. She is a grown woman, and it's up to her to deal with her move and life choices. You should not act as a crutch. Cut your losses on the plane ticket, let her go, and find someone that loves and appreciates you, and is sure of that. The instability of this relationship will foster insecurity - not good, and certainly not healthy. Good luck. 4
hppr Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 This is an on going saga folks but in January, I broke up with a gal I’d dated for two years. We’d broken up a few times and I made my fair share of mistakes. I realized a few months later she was the gal for me but she was seeing someone else. They broke up and I tried to get back together. She said she was dealing with school and the spark had died somewhat. She graduates college and moves to California and tries to rekindle things with the other guy. He dumps her again. She calls me up after not speaking with me for over three weeks and apologizes for how she acted. She says her new life is very tough and she misses me and what we had. I was reluctant at first as I had moved on but eventually we got to talking again and it turned romantic. I kept asking her if she was sure it was what she wanted…. She said yes. I purchased a plane ticket to go see her and things were great for another three weeks until she called me up in tears on Sunday and explained that she wasn’t sure I was the one, felt the pressure of me coming out there (and possibly moving there someday) and that she was lost and didn’t know what she wanted out of life. Some fighting and chaos ensued. She says she wants to be friends. For right now at least so that she can “find herself.” She feels terrible about it all and isn’t comfortable with letting me go as we had talked marriage and really understand one another. However, she says she can simply not be with anyone right now as she tries to find herself. Aside from the absolute shock, I am severely torn…… I’m mad as hell that I fell for the trick again. It makes my blood boil but she was someone I really saw myself with. However, I don’t think I can trust her anymore and I told her as such. That being said, she really is struggling and is having a rough time in her new settings. She doesn’t have any friends, is very shy and is questioning her job choice. Am I wise to cut all ties, chalk the non-refundable ticket up to a lose and never speak to her again? Or do I go and try to help a friend? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. She's the selfish one, not you. I would just move on.
soccerrprp Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Do I be the good guy or the selfish one? Neither. Be the sensible guy. She's too conflicted and very uncertain about YOU. You should, unfortunately, chalk the ticket up as a loss. Frankly, if I were you, I would try to change the ticket for a location of your liking for sometime in the future. It will cost more, but at least you haven't TOTALLY lost on the "hoped" investment. Good luck.
Lansing Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Yeah, as others said - even if the ticket is "non-refundable" they usually let you makes changes if you pay a fee or some sort. Even if you don't want to go now somewhere you can usually get some kind of credit towards a future flight within the year. I can feel your pain... Really hate people who are so wishy washy and say things that they are "sure" and then a few days later flip flop.
hoping2heal Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 This is an on going saga folks but in January, I broke up with a gal I’d dated for two years. We’d broken up a few times and I made my fair share of mistakes. I realized a few months later she was the gal for me but she was seeing someone else. They broke up and I tried to get back together. She said she was dealing with school and the spark had died somewhat. She graduates college and moves to California and tries to rekindle things with the other guy. He dumps her again. She calls me up after not speaking with me for over three weeks and apologizes for how she acted. She says her new life is very tough and she misses me and what we had. I was reluctant at first as I had moved on but eventually we got to talking again and it turned romantic. I kept asking her if she was sure it was what she wanted…. She said yes. I purchased a plane ticket to go see her and things were great for another three weeks until she called me up in tears on Sunday and explained that she wasn’t sure I was the one, felt the pressure of me coming out there (and possibly moving there someday) and that she was lost and didn’t know what she wanted out of life. Some fighting and chaos ensued. She says she wants to be friends. For right now at least so that she can “find herself.” She feels terrible about it all and isn’t comfortable with letting me go as we had talked marriage and really understand one another. However, she says she can simply not be with anyone right now as she tries to find herself. Aside from the absolute shock, I am severely torn…… I’m mad as hell that I fell for the trick again. It makes my blood boil but she was someone I really saw myself with. However, I don’t think I can trust her anymore and I told her as such. That being said, she really is struggling and is having a rough time in her new settings. She doesn’t have any friends, is very shy and is questioning her job choice. Am I wise to cut all ties, chalk the non-refundable ticket up to a lose and never speak to her again? Or do I go and try to help a friend? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. She came calling after the other guy dumped her. She was looking for a rebound and when you were actually coming she wigged out because she's into the other guy. So, this is a lost cause relationship wise. If you can be OK with just being her friend then go ahead and be the bigger person but definitely don't fall for her (or any other gal's) flaky crap. If a woman just got out of a relationship in which she was dumped it's ALWAYS safe to assume she's looking for superficial comfort and not legit.
Author BanditK Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Understood and I really do appreciate all of the responses. I myself would like to be done. I don't want the pain of just being a friend. However, she is adamant about not knowing what the future holds and would like me to still come out to hang out if I wish. Bad idea right?
KathyM Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I would suggest you let the relationship go. It doesn't work with her. She doesn't value you enough, and at this point is just using you as an emotional tampon when things are not going well for her. Don't get into a friend role. It will be too painful to try to make such a relationship work when there are romantic feelings involved. I think it's time to cut your losses and move on. Try to get the plane ticket exchanged for another location you would want to visit if possible.
Author BanditK Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 UPDATE: We didn't speak much Monday or Tuesday until she text me with these three messages, each spaced about 20 minutes apart: Nice R&R video today!! I enjoyed it... missed talking to you throughout the day as well. Hope all is good. It's really hard to not get jealous. I know you have to move on and so do I. It just starts to suck sometimes. Sorry for bothering you. Good night. I was just thinking and the way I got over you last time was when you said it was over and then you didn't contact me or try to be friendly you just stopped altogether. And that's what I need to do for you. So from now on I won't text or call. Sorry again for everything. Bye. I woke up this morning and saw them. I sent this back and haven't heard a word: I got your messages while I was sleeping. Do what you think is best. I hope you find what makes you happy. Have a good day! Did I handle it correctly?
fishtaco Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 She was only interested in you after she got dumped by the other dude. Sorry bro, you're just a rebound/self esteem booster. Hope you got laid, cuz that's all you're going to get. The crying thing is pretty typical. Women want to do what they want to do (well, in women's defense, men do too), but then they don't want to be the "bad guy". It's about having the cake and eat it too. So using tears somehow absolves their actions, which is a strategy not really accessible for men. I'm sure there are women on LS that can tell us what are men's typical exit strategy when it comes to this. I don't date men, so I don't know. Detach yourself. Nonchalant responses are good. Or you can just cut her off if you don't want to deal with her again. But if she ever needs a self esteem boost again, make sure she flys out to you, and you get what you want. Consider it an even trade.
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