I'm dumpee, 5y together NC/LC/NONCHALANCE

[alphabetagamma]

Thought I would chime in (been following this forum for few weeks) and give you my story that is devastating like hell.

 

I dated with a girl for almost 5 years straight. When we had been dating for 2,5 years she went away with a rebound, but quickly returned (within weeks) - keep in mind that I begged, pleased her for the whole time while we were apart.

 

Why she went away was mostly because I turned from alpha to beta. She probably lost her attraction towards me. Anyhow, we got back together and another 2,5 years was pretty good. We didn't cheat eachother, we respected eachother etc, but 1 year ago I lost my interest in her.

 

I avoided meetings, I avoided moving together - I guess I was insecure and not totally sure about her since I was jobless and still in uni. However, we still had sex and we committed love to each other etc. BUT she told me that she is not happy anymore. I wasn't putting effort in this relationship, I wasn't working, I played xbox with my friend and she felt like I'm a lost cause while I took her for granted.

 

One day (1 month ago) out of blue she tells me that she doesn't want to meet me right now. I asked what's wrong and she said that she needs space and time blabla and I'm not changing - getting uglier (WTF? probably right because I was getting comfortable with her), I don't have enough time for her and she feels lonely.

 

Well okay, she also told me that she is seeing someone else right now. I quickly went NC for a week since I wanted to clear things and see if it's real deal or not. I also went to NC because I wanted to fully analyze myself, what went wrong, what I did wrongly, why did she lost interest in me.

 

After a week she started to chat with me, saying that she still has feelings for me, that she doesn't want to lose me and maybe we can still work this out. I asked her out and things went pretty wild.

 

I told her that I accept her decision, I know what I did wrong and I'm starting to improve myself. She told me that she wants to move together with me in the future. When I asked when, she told me she doesn't know. She told that it might take weeks or months before she could fully understand what she feels for me. One thing was for sure, she didn't want to cut contact with me.

 

Few days after meeting she saw me with another girl. She quickly called me, cried and said that I shouldn't be meeting other girls if I want to fix things with her. I was kinda confused... She can have a rebound and I don't? Well whatever..

 

Few days went past and I wanted to show her that I actually want to fix this thing. I gave her gift, we drove around and talked about our future. At the end of the meeting I wanted straight answers (I know, I'm dumb), but I didn't get any. She told me that she is still confused, but if I stick around/improve myself and be nice to her then we can get back together, eventually.

 

Okay, I listened to her and we met again once, was good, nothing too serious. She told me that she doesn't know if she loves rebound or loves me. And I think it might be true as well since she looked kinda sincere.

 

I tried to play the games by her rules and invited her to a boat trip, she agreed, but also told me that I shouldn't be doing this because her rebound guy will get mad about it.

 

THIS really pissed me off and I finally told her that I'm not going to play by your rules. I will date other girls, I'll move on and she will probably won't get me back in the future.

 

I know it's dumb move, but I just had to say that before I went to NC.

 

Today (10th day of NC)

 

I'm improving myself, hitting gym, got a proper job and looking for my own apartment right now. I'm feeling like I'm finally getting mature.

 

However, in the inside I'm still missing her like crazy.

 

She have been talking to me twice on FB. Once after 4 days of NC: she told me that "So we are not going to the boat trip? Why?"

 

and today (10th day on NC) she told me that she is missing me. It's basically like the first time I went NC, but this time I'll stick to it.

 

NB: I haven't answered to any of her messages!

 

Why I'm confused

 

While I read most of the dumpee threads then I noticed that the dumpers (girls) told to back off, cut contact and didn't even bother to message you after 2-3 months of NC. They went away with rebound, made it official, showed everyone who deeeplymaadly they are in love with the rebound. But my EX is not showing it at all, in fact she is trying to hide it. Even from her best friends.

 

Well mine is different for sure. She is already contacting me twice?!. And I think the third time she will invite me to meet up or smth like that. What should I do?

 

A ) KEEP NC

B ) KEEP LC (be polite, accept her meetings, but doesn't ask her out by myself)

C ) NONCHALANCE - the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern. Basically answer her questions but show NO concern or interest at all.

 

For some reason I think she thinks that I will be always there for her, since I was there for her when we first broke up. I cried like a kid until she came back.

 

The thing is, I want her back. I want to work things out and I want to show her that I'm actually not that lazy/stupid guy she is thinking about me.

 

About getting her back... What should I do? NC, LC or NONCHALANCE?

I'm not needy anymore, I'm not begging anymore like at first. I'm over that phase - I know it will not work eventhough it worked in the first breakup.

 

What would you suggest in this kind of situation? It was our first love, she broke me up right before I managed to get myself together financially.

 

When saw her last time she told me things that bother her:

1) I didn't put much effort in relationship

2) I was jobless

3) It was like teenage relationship without moving forward.

 

For me it seems like typical GIGS, but a slightly twisted. I know what I have lost and I'm ready to fix things. I would be more than glad to move together and show her that I love her. But she is not interested anymore in this kind of stuff.

 

So I stick with NC and try to heal/improve myself?

 

What are your opinions about it?

Edited August 20, 2013 by alphabetagamma

[barky2]

Well thats a fun ride you've been on huh?

 

Excusing her every time she's with someone else by saying its a rebound is just you making it easier in your head to wrap around she's with someone else.

 

Then you mention gigs.

 

I understand alot of people are hurting and your in the same boat, and when I was I thought the same things as you...gigs rebound ect.

 

 

Fact is she doesn't want to be with you....or shed be banging down your door. My ex pulled the same crap till I said enough is enough and I bounced.

 

I suggest you do the same.

 

My vote is COMPLETE NC....till u get ur head right man.

 

 

Just my few pennies.

 

Barky

[alphabetagamma]

Thanks Barky!

 

I think I'll go NC for real now. I met her for the last time just couple of hours ago. I drove her home from a cousin place, she had couple of drinks and she really opened up for me.

 

I acted cool, said that I respect her rebound, but I would like to keep low contact for now on. I said that I'm still into her, but not that much and therefore I would like to go into low contact for about 2-3 months.

 

She was blown away. She started to cry and told me that the grass is not greener with the rebound and she is probably going to leave him soon.

 

I told her that she should take some time off to rethink all this situation since I'll be not there for her to pick her up immediately. I also told her that I'm not blaming her for the break up and I'm already figuring out what I did wrongly. I also told that I need some time to be alone to improve myself since I'm not really changed within the first month.

 

She asked me if I'm going to answer her FB messages and I said: "I don't want to chat on FB, I only accept your calls if you have something important to say"

 

She asked if I have dated someone. I told her yes (which is true), but nothing too serious since I don't want to hop into another relationship after being together for 4 years.

 

Well, we ended up talking about our GOOD memories and we talked few hours. She also told me that she is extremely horny and haven't had sex with me for long time. I tried to act cool, because I knew that the sex wouldn't have made my situation any better. (I guess she haven't slept with the rebound yet since she looked sincere)

 

Well, overall I think I made myself clear to her and I'm feeling REALLY good. She left with mixed signals - she laughed and cried at the same time. She made me compliments and told me that I'm 100% her type.

 

She also told that the rebound is all over the place for her + it won't last long. I actually didn't want to hear anything about her rebound, but she still wanted to say that to me. I acted nonchalance.

 

At the end of the meeting, she asked me for movies, but I said NO.

 

To be honest, I think NC is MAYBE overkill right now, nonchalance could be another option.

 

At least me being relaxed and completely fine about her rebound & breakup made her indifferent towards me. She was surprised that I'm willing to let her go & give up which I actually tried to tell her. I saw that she had been missing me like crazy, she stared at me all the time & even didn't left the car when the awkward silence started. I finally told her that I really should go home since I have to go work tomorrow and she left.

 

What do you ppl think? Did I act OK or...? What should be my next steps if she tries to contact me and meet up? NO-NO-NO or MAYBE?

Edited August 20, 2013 by alphabetagamma

[barky2]

Thanks Barky!

 

I think I'll go NC for real now. I met her for the last time just couple of hours ago. I drove her home from a cousin place, she had couple of drinks and she really opened up for me.

 

I acted cool, said that I respect her rebound, but I would like to keep low contact for now on. I said that I'm still into her, but not that much and therefore I would like to go into low contact for about 2-3 months.

 

She was blown away. She started to cry and told me that the grass is not greener with the rebound and she is probably going to leave him soon.

 

I told her that she should take some time off to rethink all this situation since I'll be not there for her to pick her up immediately. I also told her that I'm not blaming her for the break up and I'm already figuring out what I did wrongly. I also told that I need some time to be alone to improve myself since I'm not really changed within the first month.

 

She asked me if I'm going to answer her FB messages and I said: "I don't want to chat on FB, I only accept your calls if you have something important to say"

 

She asked if I have dated someone. I told her yes (which is true), but nothing too serious since I don't want to hop into another relationship after being together for 4 years.

 

Well, we ended up talking about our GOOD memories and we talked few hours. She also told me that she is extremely horny and haven't had sex with me for long time. I tried to act cool, because I knew that the sex wouldn't have made my situation any better. (I guess she haven't slept with the rebound yet since she looked sincere)

 

Well, overall I think I made myself clear to her and I'm feeling REALLY good. She left with mixed signals - she laughed and cried at the same time. She made me compliments and told me that I'm 100% her type.

 

She also told that the rebound is all over the place for her + it won't last long. I actually didn't want to hear anything about her rebound, but she still wanted to say that to me. I acted nonchalance.

 

At the end of the meeting, she asked me for movies, but I said NO.

 

To be honest, I think NC is MAYBE overkill right now, nonchalance could be another option.

 

At least me being relaxed and completely fine about her rebound & breakup made her indifferent towards me. She was surprised that I'm willing to let her go & give up which I actually tried to tell her. I saw that she had been missing me like crazy, she stared at me all the time & even didn't left the car when the awkward silence started. I finally told her that I really should go home since I have to go work tomorrow and she left.

 

What do you ppl think? Did I act OK or...? What should be my next steps if she tries to contact me and meet up? NO-NO-NO or MAYBE?

 

 

Dude no.

 

Stop all contact with her if you want her back.

 

You gave her a ride? Cool.

 

She told you, she was horny? Cool.

 

She's with someone else dude.

 

As Tara would say * Bangs head against brick wall*

 

Dude STOP TALKING TO HER!!!!

 

you won't listen.

 

 

 

Barky

[alphabetagamma]

I'm in NC right now,

 

But she will call me for sure, or atleast she will try to catch me up in uni.

 

At what point should I agree to meet her?

 

I'm obviously not into small talk so I would ignore any of that stuff.

 

What if she calls me and wants to meet? I refuse or reschedule or say maybe?

 

What if she says she has dumped the rebound and wants to try with me?

 

 

I know she doesn't want to lose me and she will probably start to play games with me, convince me to not to date others etc. But at what point should I allow her to meet me or talk to me?

 

Going NC for 2-3 months is an idea, but at some point she might lose all the interest since I'm not willing to talk with her nor meet.

 

My main goal is to get her back, but this time on my TERMS.

Any advice on this phase?

 

And yes barky, I'm already beating my head to the wall

[barky2]

I'm in NC right now,

 

But she will call me for sure, or atleast she will try to catch me up in uni.

 

At what point should I agree to meet her?

 

I'm obviously not into small talk so I would ignore any of that stuff.

 

What if she calls me and wants to meet? I refuse or reschedule or say maybe?

 

What if she says she has dumped the rebound and wants to try with me?

 

 

I know she doesn't want to lose me and she will probably start to play games with me, convince me to not to date others etc. But at what point should I allow her to meet me or talk to me?

 

Going NC for 2-3 months is an idea, but at some point she might lose all the interest since I'm not willing to talk with her nor meet.

 

My main goal is to get her back, but this time on my TERMS.

Any advice on this phase?

 

And yes barky, I'm already beating my head to the wall

 

 

Oh lawd where to begin with you lol.

 

She has a dude correct?

 

I want you to search for the the thread about " what if they're in a rebound relationship" you will have every single answer.

 

Your answer is no no no no no.

 

Ignore.

 

Ignore.

 

Even if she broke up with him and wants you back, how can you be sure your not the rebound or even worse...come back to you, knock skins, and then leading him on in the background?

 

Don't say it won't happen, I've lived it.

 

I've told you, you need to disappear and go NC.

 

Doing this will shock her that you are no longer there.

 

Let me ask you , straight up...its a yes or no.

 

If you pulled what she is right now, would she stick around?

 

Then why in the bloody Christ are you?

 

Pack your things up dude and get walking away from her.

 

She's obviously confused and doesn't know what she wants....oh wait she does tho....she's with him...and not you.

 

Don't want to be harsh.

 

Please look up that thread.

 

Your her emotional crutch while she has the physical part.

 

You will be there until he meets her emotional need and then ull be history.

 

If you want any chance you need to go NC and ignore the crap out of her indefinitely. And if they break up, wait at least a month or so before you reply.

 

That way you know she's genuine.

 

Just my 2 pennies.

 

 

Barky

[alphabetagamma]

Quick update.

 

NC definitely improved my situation.

 

Yesterday, she called me twice - didn't answer

Then she sent me several text's that she wants to meet me.

 

I got pretty pissed and decided to replace NC with NONCHALANCE.

 

I told her that I got other plans, since we are not together anymore. I asked her kindly to stop calling/texting me.

 

wow, she went completely mad. Told me that she has something important to say, wanted to come to my house ASAP etc...

 

Finally she broke down and told me:

 

"I have just realized that I can't live without you".

"I want to get together with you and have babies with you" - wtf

"I love you so much"

 

That was yesterday - I didn't answer her. But today I noticed that she had left the rebound.

 

It seems like it's easy to get her back, but I'm not really sure what I should do since I want her back - surely, but I want to get her back with my OWN terms. I don't want to get hurt again, so right now I'll try to take things extremely slowly. And maybe go NC again.

[barky2]

Congrats.

 

Now dude, if she just left the rebound...then she's going to rebound off of you.

 

My 2 cents would be to listen to what she has to say, and after the meet, tell her you need time to think about everything and you will be in touch when your ready. Take a week to see what she does.

 

Do NOT jump right back in it.

 

 

 

Barky