MissBee Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I told the man I dated after my affair ended. It didn't make sense to me to have a legitimate relationship, with a single man, then start it with lies. At the appropriate time, we discussed it. Glad I did. Agree. No need to mention it on a first date, in fact, talking about exes on a first date is a no-go in my book. I'm there to enjoy myself and see if we have chemistry and if I want to see you again, not to talk about my ex or yours. When exes come up or discussions of affairs/cheating/values etc then you can mention it. I have told every serious bf and none of them chose to not date me because of it, as my attitude about it now is what matters and it is clear in how I discuss it that it wasn't something I felt was great and am planning to do again. I really believe in telling the truth of ourselves and allowing people to choose us or not based on that versus wanting them to like you so you omit or misrepresent yourself. Edited August 21, 2013 by MissBee 4
Silly_Girl Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 True, but only significant things will eventually reveal themselves (kids, divorce, being the star attraction on a voyeur-cam website, etc). You shouldn't have to disclose an affair or that you slept with your best friend's wife, or embellished mileage expenses on your tax return to your new SO. It all depends on your interpretation of what's 'significant'. 1
compulsivedancer Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Because the prospective partner may well feel like this was pertinent information that was witheld from them...and if they've been betrayed in the past, they may well feel that witholding this information was a violation of the newfound trust. Personally, I wouldn't mention it until things start to move to a point where you're dating more than just casually, but before things become emotionally tangled to a point where the other person might feel like they've been misled by the holding back of this information. I would talk about it when you discuss your past relationships. If the two of you discuss them very early on, you might say "That's complicated and a story for later," but if it comes up a few dates in, then you explain. Just keep the explanation to the level you'd use talking about an ex. Don't go into all the juicy details. If she wants to know more about it, you can explain a bit more then. I wouldn't bring it up as a "full disclosure" item. I would talk about it as a past relationship, one that ended ultimately because it was built on the wrong foundations (or possibly because of her future faking, inability to leave H, etc. I'm not sure of your story), a learning experience. Don't make it into this big secret that you feel she MUST know about before she falls in love with you. That said, definitely DON'T hide it from her.
jwi71 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Hey all, I've got a date this Saturday (yay me!) but something occured to me that I'd like to bounce off all of you.... Do you think it's a good idea to disclose the fact that your ex was a MM/MW/Seeing someone else at the time you were seeing them to your new SO? I have no idea how serious her and I are going to get but I really like her and I do want to put my best foot forward and make this work and I feel like by hiding this I would be lying to her in someway.... Your own thoughts? IMO - it is pertinent to disclose what role one played in a triangle. The real question is when. The hard question is why. Be prepared to answer that to your next SO. "Why"? In fact, if you are so inclined, and not being familiar with your story OP (been away a while) - why did you engage in an A and would you do so again? What did you learn? Because the next SO will, provided you disclose, at the very least think such.
compulsivedancer Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 True, but only significant things will eventually reveal themselves (kids, divorce, being the star attraction on a voyeur-cam website, etc). You shouldn't have to disclose an affair or that you slept with your best friend's wife, or embellished mileage expenses on your tax return to your new SO. If you slept with some random MP, I'd say disclosure as part of normal background info. Sleeping with your best friend's wife...totally different thing. This suggests a major character flaw and throws up a big red flag. This is NOT even remotely equivalent to embellishing mileage expenses. In this case, yes, it would be absolutely imperative that I know about it, that I know how you feel with it, and whether you've dealt with the consequences. Probably still not on date 1, but by the time I'm sleeping with you I hope it's on (or at least near) the table. While I would not expect the OM/OW to talk about these things in a "full disclosure" sense, unless there was betrayal involved, I would absolutely expect a fWS to tell me this. I would HAVE to know about this in the early stages of a relationship. If it came up later, unless there was a LOT of remorse involved, it would probably be a deal-breaker.
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