Anger and Animosity

[ksol9]

My bf and I have been struggling to get past the emotional relationship I was having with my ex bf. It was not a romantic relationship on my behalf. I ran to my ex bf every time my bf and I had a falling out. Now that I think back, I was so naïve to believe my ex bf was being "there for me" genuinely. Or maybe I was too much of a coward to handle our little fights that I had to run to someone else to confide in. My ex bf eventually got fed up and made a call to my bf saying that we had slept together when nothing of the sort happened. This was the beginning of what has been one hell of a roller coaster. Within days of the phone call from my ex. I agreed to a lie detector test. I failed of course. At the time, I was not honest about even having communication with my ex. The lie detector test was bittersweet. I have to say taking that test was one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. I was lying, but things that I was being completely honest about came across as deception. I'm sure because I had so much hidden, the entire test was inconclusive. I say bittersweet simply because it served as a tool. I was then able to come forward and be honest about everything. Though I had been honest about everything my bf still believes that I am hiding that my ex and I had been sleeping together. He insists I take another polygraph test. Because of my bad experience with the first, I am reluctant to take another. If for some reason I fail this one, it will be the end of my relationship.

 

About a month has passed and I am in a much better place....mentally and emotionally. I am stronger. I am handling things in a better way. I do my best to be patient with him. There are good days and there are bad days...very bad days. Something will trigger him and I am walking scum in his eyes. Sometimes I don't know if we will ever get past this. I'm doing everything I think I should be doing. I am completely transparent about anything and everything I do. Most importantly, I cut off all communication with my ex. At times I feel we are making progress, but then out of no where my bf will relapse. He will say very hurtful things to me about ending our relationship. I understand his anger as it is well warranted, but how much longer before we both get fed up? I am feeling less love and affection from him. Things just seem to be spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do anymore. We are not communicating with each other and he seems to have more and more anger and animosity towards me. I am getting frustrated and I need help.

 

He keeps saying, "I know what happened between the both of you. Take another polygraph test."

I'm scared and I need some direction. I want to save my relationship. I just don't know how. My honesty is not enough. He won't take the leap of faith to just believe me and he's not walking away. We love each other, but we're stuck.

 

What are your thoughts?

Edited August 20, 2013 by ksol9

[dichotomy]

I have heard about lie detectors before, I just struggle to believe anyone actually uses these - or agrees to. It is very strange. Not that I don't understand the motivation

 

You lied, you hid, and even when taking a lie detector you still lied? But then, after failing the lied detector - you told him everything and were 100% honest (according to you).

 

Since you have already taken one.... and FAILED,...why not take another one now - and pass - that you are completely honest. I don't see the objection at this point.

Edited August 20, 2013 by dichotomy

[michelangelo]

You failed the test because you did not answer truthfully. EACH question is not influenced by the others.

 

Those tests are designed to ferret out lies.

 

I think you ought to come clean to your guy.

 

For one, you didn't just run into the old BF. You sought him out for sex.

 

Time to stop the deception, then live a good life.

[ksol9]

You failed the test because you did not answer truthfully. EACH question is not influenced by the others.

 

Those tests are designed to ferret out lies.

 

I think you ought to come clean to your guy.

 

For one, you didn't just run into the old BF. You sought him out for sex.

 

Time to stop the deception, then live a good life.

 

 

Thanks for your input, but I clearly stated we did not have sex. I'm a bit offended that you are saying I had sex when I know I didn't. Yes, the objective of the lie detector test was to bring forth the truth. I was asked a question regarding communication with someone I do not know personally. I answered truthfully saying I did not know that person. The lie detector test said I failed every question. My bf later found out that I was telling the truth about that. Even my examiner explained if you are being deceptive about something, it is likely to fail each and every question. That sounds like the questions are directly related to me. I'm not afraid of failing because I'm lying. I'm afraid of failing because I'm telling the truth.

 

Though I'm considering taking the test again, these tests just don't sit well with me.

[ksol9]

I have heard about lie detectors before, I just struggle to believe anyone actually uses these - or agrees to. It is very strange. Not that I don't understand the motivation

 

You lied, you hid, and even when taking a lie detector you still lied? But then, after failing the lied detector - you told him everything and were 100% honest (according to you).

 

Since you have already taken one.... and FAILED,...why not take another one now - and pass - that you are completely honest. I don't see the objection at this point.

 

 

You've made a good point here. I'm thinking of taking the test again without him knowing. I'll take a family member along with me.

 

The real question here though is will he be able to move on if I pass the test? He is so angry with me at times.

Edited August 20, 2013 by ksol9

[michelangelo]

Thanks for your input, but I clearly stated we did not have sex. I'm a bit offended that you are saying I had sex when I know I didn't. Yes, the objective of the lie detector test was to bring forth the truth. I was asked a question regarding communication with someone I do not know personally. I answered truthfully saying I did not know that person. The lie detector test said I failed every question. My bf later found out that I was telling the truth about that. Even my examiner explained if you are being deceptive about something, it is likely to fail each and every question. That sounds like the questions are directly related to me. I'm not afraid of failing because I'm lying. I'm afraid of failing because I'm telling the truth.

 

Though I'm considering taking the test again, these tests just don't sit well with me.

 

All we have is your word about what transpired. What I know of polygraph tests is that a good tester factors in being uneasy or nervous and does not use that as proof of deception.

 

You cannot shim your responses in the test.

 

You can say whatever you want to in a forum. I'm not trying to upset you, just pointing out that the best route is to be truthful and live a good life.

 

I believe that polygraphs are accurate, except for true sociopaths.

[ksol9]

All we have is your word about what transpired. What I know of polygraph tests is that a good tester factors in being uneasy or nervous and does not use that as proof of deception.

 

You cannot shim your responses in the test.

 

You can say whatever you want to in a forum. I'm not trying to upset you, just pointing out that the best route is to be truthful and live a good life.

 

I believe that polygraphs are accurate, except for true sociopaths.

 

 

No worries. You didn't upset me. I understand your point of view. I came to the forum for help and for insight from others. I'm not here to bs anyone about wha I did and didn't do. At the end of the day, if I do that, I'm only bs-ing myself. I did not have sex with my ex bf. we did not even talk in that manner. I spoke to him about all of my problems with my bf. I confided in him. It was certainly poor judgement on my behalf.

 

I understand that polygraphs are designed to measure heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, ect. But what if the stress of the type of question alone creates a change in the things being measured?

 

I hope it will give him peace of mind after taking the test again. I'm hopeful that I will pass because I'm not hiding anything anymore. More than anything, I want to live a clean and straight life. Living this way makes me want to throw in the towel. Up until a few days ago, it was not an option for me to take that test again. My initial experience scared the day lights out of me. When I really think about it, why should I be scared if I'm being completely honest this time around? Regardless of if I agree with giving your significant other a lie detector test or not, I got myself in this mess, and if he will rest easier having the test done, I should be willing to take it.

[Coolit]

I believe that polygraphs are accurate, except for true sociopaths.

 

absolutely not true. They are not something to be relied solely on. I know first hand someone who failed a test (job interview). they retested her and she passed answering the question the exact same way. A third test confirmed she was not lying.

 

Had another friend take the test to prove to his bosses he did not steal. He said it was the worst thing he has ever done at work and if it ever came up again he'd refuse and be thought a liar rather than go through another one.

There is a reason they aren't allowed in the courts.

[compulsivedancer]

absolutely not true. They are not something to be relied solely on. I know first hand someone who failed a test (job interview). they retested her and she passed answering the question the exact same way. A third test confirmed she was not lying.

 

Had another friend take the test to prove to his bosses he did not steal. He said it was the worst thing he has ever done at work and if it ever came up again he'd refuse and be thought a liar rather than go through another one.

There is a reason they aren't allowed in the courts.

 

A lie detector PASS is pretty accurate (you really believe what you say), but a lie detector FAIL can be caused by a number of things. One of the reasons they don't allow them in court is because of false positives (lie detectors falsely detecting lies).

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-skeptical-psychologist/200907/the-polygraph-test-strikes-and-strikes-out-again "Given that it's really an arousal detector, the polygraph test suffers from a high rate of what psychologists call "false positives" - innocent people whom the test deems guilty. Ironically, some of these false positives, like Ellen, may be among the guilt-prone and honest among us, although this disturbing possibility has received surprisingly little attention from researchers."

[ksol9]

A lie detector PASS is pretty accurate (you really believe what you say), but a lie detector FAIL can be caused by a number of things. One of the reasons they don't allow them in court is because of false positives (lie detectors falsely detecting lies).

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-skeptical-psychologist/200907/the-polygraph-test-strikes-and-strikes-out-again "Given that it's really an arousal detector, the polygraph test suffers from a high rate of what psychologists call "false positives" - innocent people whom the test deems guilty. Ironically, some of these false positives, like Ellen, may be among the guilt-prone and honest among us, although this disturbing possibility has received surprisingly little attention from researchers."

 

 

Thank you for the article. It was an interesting read. This is exactly my thinking on polygraph tests. Here's a little story:

 

A couple of weeks ago, my bf and I took his son to a science museum. They had an interactive exhibit that measured brain activity. The minute that the guy strapped the device around my head, my brain activity was translated on a screen. I immediately thought to myself how it reminded me of the lie detector test. So with my bf sitting at one end of the table and me at the other, both of our brain activity was being monitored. The objective was to be calm and have the least amount of brain activity. My bf's brain activity was almost non existent. Mine on the other hand, was off the screen. I cleared my head and tried my best to think of nothing at all. Just the thought I was being monitored spiked my brain activity. I honestly believe this is my reaction when taking a lie detector test. Doesn't matter if I'm being honest or not.

 

Just as Coolit said in his response about his friend, up until recently, I would have rather been thought of as a liar than to subject myself to taking a test that I think is unreliable. It's not as though these tests are unaffordable. If they were accurate and to be relied upon, wouldn't everyone test their significant other if ever a question about cheating were to arise? In my opinion, it's just wrong. Relationships are built on trust and faith in one another. We are all human and we make mistakes. If one of us messes up, we have a choice to either stay or walk away.

 

I'm very conflicted as to whether I should take this test again. It may end up easing his mind or it may just open another can of worms. It may make his wound even harder to heal. It may end up causing a lot more unnecessary heartache and doubt in his mind. I don't think my bf should base his decision on if we should continue our relationship or not on the results of this test. Not only does my past experience with this test tell me that it is not accurate, my better judgment is screaming that the risk of failing when I'm being honest is too great.

 

I'm thinking I may take the test again without his knowledge. It may be a good investment. I'm being honest about what happened or what didn't happen between my ex and I. Taking this test again with my bf in tow could prove to be the biggest mistake, especially so if I'm being honest. I think I'm better off taking this test on my own with a family member to see what the outcome is rather than walking into something blindly with him. I'm not so sure it's wise to gamble my relationship away.

Edited August 21, 2013 by ksol9

[compulsivedancer]

Is there some OTHER way to prove to him that you ex was lying? Do you have transcripts, someone you confided in, anything?

 

What was your ex's motivation in lying to him? Did he want you back? Want to break you up? Does he hate your BF because you've only told him the bad stuff? Is he delusional?

 

Is there some way to convince your BF that the ex was lying? Would it be worthwhile to see if the ex would confess, or would that make it worse?

 

I feel like there must be some other way to resolve this. Even if you pass the lie detector test, I feel like you will resent your BF for believing the test, not you. Maybe counseling or something instead? Idk, it just seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[2sunny]

He doesn't trust you - based on past behavior.

 

You could take 20 more tests and pass - and he may still never trust you.

 

The need to run to anyone with your troubles is concerning - you're an adult - you should be capable of handling things yourself.

 

Be on your own for a long while - and gain some strength and dignity for yourself.

 

If you need support - post here and see a counselor for guidance.

[ksol9]

Is there some OTHER way to prove to him that you ex was lying? Do you have transcripts, someone you confided in, anything?

 

What was your ex's motivation in lying to him? Did he want you back? Want to break you up? Does he hate your BF because you've only told him the bad stuff? Is he delusional?

 

Is there some way to convince your BF that the ex was lying? Would it be worthwhile to see if the ex would confess, or would that make it worse?

 

I feel like there must be some other way to resolve this. Even if you pass the lie detector test, I feel like you will resent your BF for believing the test, not you. Maybe counseling or something instead? Idk, it just seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

You are spot on. My ex was being vindictive when he decided to call my bf with a blocked number to say all kinds of vulgar things. Vulgar things that were untrue. He was hoping that I would leave my bf. I didn't realize this because the whole time he was acting as a supportive friend. Yes naive and stupid of me to believe him. I should have known better.

 

I've tried to get him to say he was lying but he's already on to that. He kept saying he doesn't want to talk about it. I haven't spoken to him since and I have no intentions of it either. I've tried all kinds of ways to try to convince my bf I'm being honest, but he can't believe me. Not after all the trust I've broken. I don't blame him.

 

Currently, we are at a point where we are constantly arguing. He has so much anger towards me. It's unbearable and I consider myself to be a very strong person. Its just becoming too much. With that being said, I'm going to take another test tomorrow without his knowledge. If I pass, I will give him the results. It is just as you said, there is going to be a lot of resentment. The only thing that I can think of that we haven't tried is counseling. I think that is a very good option for us at this point.

Edited August 22, 2013 by ksol9

[ksol9]

Earlier today I met with a polygraph examiner. I took the test again and passed! I have my results in paper form, audio and video. I have yet to show them to my bf. I will give him everything tomorrow.

 

I'm still not in support of these tests for relationship issues, but this time around I realize that my first test was not conducted properly.

 

I don't expect this to be a fix for all of our issues. I am hoping this will ease his mind so that we have a chance of moving forward. I'm not so sure how he will react to me taking this test on my own. Honestly, I wanted to see the results without him present. I wanted it to be done properly. I guess I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.

[Bryanp]

Congratulations on passing. I am wondering why you just did not go under

hypnosis with a doctor with your boyfriend present?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Don't get your hopes up yet. Your boyfriend may be very doubtful of the results given that he did not observe it. Any way he can talk to the guy who administered the polygraph?

[2sunny]

It doesn't remove the fact that you did run to your ex for support and consoling.

 

You run away when there's an issue. That's not a solution to resolving things.

 

Maybe your bf isn't diggin' the way you handle conflict.no test can change that for you.

 

And passing a test can't remove the behavior you chose to do.

 

That may be what he's angry about.

 

What have you done to change the way you communicate, the way you handle conflict?

 

Have you seen a counselor to help you grow and learn about better solutions?

[ksol9]

Don't get your hopes up yet. Your boyfriend may be very doubtful of the results given that he did not observe it. Any way he can talk to the guy who administered the polygraph?

 

 

Yes, this has already been taken care of. The examiner is prepared to talk to him regarding my visit. The test was also video taped.

[ksol9]

It doesn't remove the fact that you did run to your ex for support and consoling.

 

You run away when there's an issue. That's not a solution to resolving things.

 

Maybe your bf isn't diggin' the way you handle conflict.no test can change that for you.

 

And passing a test can't remove the behavior you chose to do.

 

That may be what he's angry about.

 

What have you done to change the way you communicate, the way you handle conflict?

 

Have you seen a counselor to help you grow and learn about better solutions?

 

 

You are correct. When this whole thing blew over. The harsh reality of my real problems came out. I run from my problems. I've since made a complete change and this has been felt and seen by everyone in my life...friends, family, and bf. I no longer run from my problems. Theres no excuse for what I did, but there is a reason for everything.

 

Bf has said numerous times that he is forgiving of my actions. He just wanted to know the truth about if I was sleeping with my ex. I'm not expecting him to believe these results and I'm not expecting things to get better. He may never trust me like he used to. I'm just "hoping" it will help. As for counseling, we've spoken about. I think that is the next step if things continue as they are.