It's fun watching people squirm....

[xxoo]

It matters because at the end of the first meeting...they tell you they had a good time and would like to get together again.....

 

But when you try to make plans for the 2nd date.....they either flat out ignore you...or give you the run around hoping you take the hint.

 

Do the rest of you just take sh*t like that in stride....and assume its part of the normal dating routine???

 

Women are socialized to be "nice". So many times (including last week), men touch me in ways that make me feel uncomfortable, and I am too "nice", and not assertive enough, to speak up and tell them "don't touch me like that". I pretend I'm ok with it, and make a mental plan to prevent it from ever happening again. It totally sucks, but it is what it is.

 

Turning a man down in person can be along the same lines. Many women just aren't assertive enough to do it. Call it weak, call it rude, but realize that very often it comes from a place of avoiding confrontation, not callousness.

[johan]

Do the rest of you just take sh*t like that in stride....and assume its part of the normal dating routine???

 

Is taking it any other way going to benefit you? I don't know if it's "normal", but people do it, and it's a pretty clear message that they aren't interested, which is all you really need to know. Enough people do it, you might as well expect it. It isn't clear to me that they actually owe you anything anyway. If they want to send a little note spelling their rejection of you out, that's nice of them I guess, but you and I both know it's going straight into the trash.

 

Or maybe you would also send her a little thank you note for the polite rejection. And then she can send you nice little thank you note for the thank you note. And then you can write back telling her how nice that was of her...

[Anela]

A handful of the responses I sent, were to explain that I wasn't in the right head-space for trying to date - it had nothing to do with them, even though they didn't exactly have me feeling that excited. I felt flattered that they were interested, and wanted to let them know that if I felt better at some point, and they were still on there down the line, then maybe...

 

I also responded at other times, to give the guys a chance. There was one guy who I liked talking to, but I wasn't attracted to him physically - at least with the huge beard he seemed to be very attached to. Something else about him - I can't remember what now. I thought about meeting him, to see if I could get past the beard, and the other thing, but my life is seriously messed up now - things kept getting worse, so I was/am pretty messed up. I'm not going to lump myself on some guy, just to feel better, or get out of that for a while. I wonder how many of them thought I was just blowing them off.

[Taramere]

I don't know if it's "normal", but people do it, and it's a pretty clear message that they aren't interested, which is all you really need to know. Enough people do it, you might as well expect it. It isn't clear to me that they actually owe you anything anyway. If they want to send a little note spelling their rejection of you out, that's nice of them I guess, but you and I both know it's going straight into the trash.

 

Right. I think it makes more sense to focus on and be appreciative of the times people demonstrate good manners than to endlessly harp on about people not adhering to the code of behaviour you think they should adhere to (especially when it's in the context of them not being interested in dating you).

 

Often, the people who bang on incessantly about others not having good enough manners could do with taking a look at their own behaviour. I work with somebody who has dreadful manners. In some ways she can be quite a good hearted person, but she's a bully by nature. I've seldom encountered anybody so rude, abrasive and overbearing. She seems to be forever complaining about other people's manners and portrays herself as being hot on manners - despite the laughable comparison between what she preaches and what she practices.

 

Like the OP, she enjoys the sight of people wincing in discomfort. I suppose perhaps it's some kind of compensation for rarely being able to bring out the positive and enthusiastic side of people.

[TheBigQuestion]

Right. I think it makes more sense to focus on and be appreciative of the times people demonstrate good manners than to endlessly harp on about people not adhering to the code of behaviour you think they should adhere to (especially when it's in the context of them not being interested in dating you).

 

Often, the people who bang on incessantly about others not having good enough manners could do with taking a look at their own behaviour. I work with somebody who has dreadful manners. In some ways she can be quite a good hearted person, but she's a bully by nature. I've seldom encountered anybody so rude, abrasive and overbearing. She seems to be forever complaining about other people's manners and portrays herself as being hot on manners - despite the laughable comparison between what she preaches and what she practices.

 

Like the OP, she enjoys the sight of people wincing in discomfort. I suppose perhaps it's some kind of compensation for rarely being able to bring out the positive and enthusiastic side of people.

 

"People who bang on incessantly about others not having good enough manners"?? Are you serious? We are talking about a singular example of what we consider rudeness in the context of dating, which arises directly out of this thread's first post. You are in no position to describe whether anyone is more appreciative of kind and polite gestures than contemptuous of poor manners. Your post had no point other than to paint everyone who disagrees with you on this topic as being more rude than people who think not communicating a lack of desire to see a date again is fine and dandy. This is flat out stupid on your part, and contributes nothing to anything being discussed in this thread. You don't know anyone here, so you are absolutely in no position to make any of these claims. How do you know a thing about the frequency with which I (or anyone else here, for that matter) say anything about the rudeness of other people, or a thing about my own manners? You don't. Do you actually have anything to say on the topic?

[TheBigQuestion]

 

The better question is why it matters so much to cling tightly to the privilege of treating people rudely when it's just as easy to treat them with courtesy, and the answer to that question is that ignoring people provides a tiny bit of comfort and ease. That small amount of comfort and ease is surely worth making others feel bad, confused, or having them waste more time.

 

It's interesting seeing people's gears turn trying to make the answer to this question sound justifiable and reasonable.

[Imajerk17]

Hey I get that people get on the OP because his threads all tend to sound on one note. But in all fairness to irc333....

 

The way he handled things with this woman (going by what he wrote here anyway) was perfect. "Hey no big deal" was a very classy response on irc333's part. The uglier emotions that he is processing internally (I consider posting a thread here to be processing things internally as long as the other party doesn't see it) are whether we want to admit it or not, pretty human.

 

I actually think this woman walked away feeling bad about how she had handled things with irc333 a year ago, due to irc333 handling things as he did (again going by what he wrote on here--I am assuming he processed his darker emotions away from her).

 

Now we really don't know what happened last year between irc and this woman at the meetup. I did furrow my brow though, at the woman's excuse "I had to do what I thought was right". Really, a guy (presumably) takes you out and does his best to show you a good time, and then asks you out again, and you think ignoring him is the right thing to do? Seriously? It would have been better if the woman had said "I'm really bad at getting back to people in dating" or something like that.

 

Meanwhile I wish that women would get that it's better to show the respect and get back to a guy and let him know directly that you don't think it would work. (And yes I am aware of irc's current thread about the woman's response to him. Again it sounds that he is processing his confusion internally on the forum which is what we all do on here.)

 

********************

 

OK that said....irc333, I do think you need to be taking more responsibility for your interactions with women. You don't seem to be inspiring much attraction or connection with a woman, and when you don't do that, you are going to find yourself on the end of a lot of discourteous treatment. Women will do things like disappear on you, in part because women don't like confrontation and/or telling people what they think they don't want to hear, and in part because women are used to not being called back by the guy they were into, so what is good for goose is good for the gander (pardon the cliche).

Edited August 21, 2013 by Imajerk17

[tbf]

irc did a good job handling the situation by taking the high road. In this, he deserves credit.

 

irc's pattern appears to surround the inability to read and understand social cues and subtlety. He takes every interaction at face value and when it doesn't work out, automatically allocates fault to the other person.

 

I strongly suggest that he focus on real life interactions, chatting with and observing as many people as possible, getting a social pattern feel. This will help him understand how to behave and start to pick up on subtleties, which include observing the mating ritual between two attracted people.

 

I'm linking the

clip again so irc can observe how men and women flirt and show attraction. This clip exaggerates how they behave, so it should be easy to spot. For males, watch Robin Thicke's body language and facial expressions. For females, watch the brunette and african american women. Edited August 21, 2013 by tbf

[SteveC80]

irc did a good job handling the situation by taking the high road. In this, he deserves credit.

 

irc's pattern appears to surround the inability to read and understand social cues and subtlety. He takes every interaction at face value and when it doesn't work out, automatically allocates fault to the other person.

 

I strongly suggest that he focus on real life interactions, chatting with and observing as many people as possible, getting a social pattern feel. This will help him understand how to behave and start to pick up on subtleties, which include observing the mating ritual between two attracted people.

 

I'm linking the

clip again so irc can observe how men and women flirt and show attraction. This clip exaggerates how they behave, so it should be easy to spot. For males, watch Robin Thicke's body language and facial expressions. For females, watch the brunette and african american women.

 

Who's to say irc is simply doing something wrong all the time im not saying he doesnt have issues as far as reading cues and not recognizing low interest unless they stamp it on his forehead at times but maybe these women simply arent physically attracted to him and if thats the case theyres not much he can do.

[tbf]

Who's to say irc is simply doing something wrong all the time im not saying he doesnt have issues as far as reading cues and not recognizing low interest unless they stamp it on his forehead at times but maybe these women simply arent physically attracted to him and if thats the case theyres not much he can do.

Yes, I'm aware that your fixation is on looks being the ultimate deciding factor in attraction but reality clashes vehemently with your fixation.

 

Attraction begins in the brain for many women, which means that there's more to attraction than what you look like and unless you're grotesque looking, most average people find partners and based on the fact that irc gets dates, tells me and every other non-fixated thinking person that he's far from repulsive looking.

[atomicdog]

Women are socialized to be "nice". So many times (including last week), men touch me in ways that make me feel uncomfortable, and I am too "nice", and not assertive enough, to speak up and tell them "don't touch me like that". I pretend I'm ok with it, and make a mental plan to prevent it from ever happening again. It totally sucks, but it is what it is.

 

Believe it or not, I have to deal with the same thing from men sometimes. Not that they're attracted to me or anything, but just in a 'buddy buddy' kind of way, they think they can just stand really close or pat my back or shoulder.

 

I have to tell them in a friendly but firm way that that's not allowed.

 

Touching is sometimes used as a way to signal power/authority. So you are going to make people respect you more if you make them stay at a distance and not touch you.

[todreaminblue]

Not really the friends i have made are always keen to spend time with me, cant say it might not happen in the future though....i can say without a doubt if it does happen...i dont like watching people be uncomfortable...because i know what it feels like..i would give validation or as you say absolution(which is sort of higher powerish and a bit controlling) and make them feel at ease......

 

as far as dates go.....dates i have normally had in the past are friends already......and no they have not blown me off...i have ended dates but i always give a reason that is truthful.........the only time this has happened was when i was sick and should not have dated anyone i deviated from a friends first ideal which is how i have always dated...

 

so no to it being fun watching people squirm...i feel for them...because i have been there....deb