It's fun watching people squirm....

[irc333]

....when they blow you off, and they catch you in public. LOL

 

I usually go to this Game Night meetup with friends, and we have our regulars and then we have those that do the "one shot" with these meetups or those that show up on occasion or "first timers"

 

Funnily enough, one of these "first timers" had been a date of mine from POF last year...and she sees me there and was like "oh heeeeeeey!" and gives me a big hug.

 

It must've been awkward for her (not me because I'm comfortable in my HOME turf and she's just a 'visitor")

 

But later that evening she approached me and goes, "Listen , um...I do apologize for not having stayed in touch back then, but I just had to do what i thought was best."

 

I just paraphrased, but it was something like that.

 

And I just nodded, smiled and said "Hey, it's no big deal"

 

As if she was looking for absolution. LOL

 

IT's fun watching those people squirm.

 

Ever have that happen, someone blow you off, and they figured they'd never see you again and you wind up DO seeing you again?

[Emilia]

No, I suppose I'm perfectly capable of establishing a good connection with people and there is no squirming of any kind. Mutual respect tends to feature. But that's just me.

[sillyanswer]

It sounds like she handled that well.

 

Not sure that I agree about it being fun watching someone squirm when they haven't done anything wrong, though.

[MrCastle]

We don't know the extent of what she did. Some people blow others off and burn bridges, not expecting to see the person they blew off again, and it can be awkward for that person when they do indeed see that person again.

 

Sounds like both of you handled it in a mature fashion though.

 

There is a girl in school, in my major, more specifically, that has burned a bridge with me on more than one occassion. You may think "how can you burn a bridge that's already been burned?"

 

Well, she has. To the point where it boggles my mind. I mean, she knows she has to see me in person -- or, I should say, the odds are very great that we're going to have yet another class together. I don't know what she's expecting but the next time I see her I will confront her and more than likely not handle the situation as well as OP did in his.

[Emilia]

Well, she has. To the point where it boggles my mind. I mean, she knows she has to see me in person -- or, I should say, the odds are very great that we're going to have yet another class together. I don't know what she's expecting but the next time I see her I will confront her and more than likely not handle the situation as well as OP did in his.

I think that's largely age though.

[MrCastle]

I think that's largely age though.

 

I suppose. I also think the circumstances are different. I can totally see someone you meet from OLD or something going on one date and then going ghost, with the assumption they will never run into you in real life or something. Why get all dramatic and confrontational over that. No need. You see them in person, although it might be awkward, you handle it the way they both did in OP's story. If you're the one who did the fade out, you apologize if you feel you wronged the person, and if you're the other person, you accept the apology and move on.

 

When you know you have to see the person on a weekly basis in school and yet burn a bridge like you don't have to see them again, that shows you have no class and/or consideration for the other person at all. So, in that instance, I have no issue telling the person in question "hey, what you did? yeah, messed up."

 

I won't berate the person, but let them know I didn't care very much for how they handled a situation? Absolutely.

 

But that's a whole different thing. I don't want to take focus away from the thread.

[Emilia]

When you know you have to see the person on a weekly basis in school and yet burn a bridge like you don't have to see them again, that shows you have no class and/or consideration for the other person at all. So, in that instance, I have no issue telling the person in question "hey, what you did? yeah, messed up."

 

I won't berate the person, but let them know I didn't care very much for how they handled a situation? Absolutely.

 

But that's a whole different thing. I don't want to take focus away from the thread.

This is what I mean by age though. When you are younger these decisions seem such a big deal and put a dent in your ego. As you get older and more experienced you realise that rejection a lot of the time had very little to do with you OR was probably for the best. Or maybe you just realise there is plenty more fish

[MrCastle]

This is what I mean by age though. When you are younger these decisions seem such a big deal and put a dent in your ego. As you get older and more experienced you realise that rejection a lot of the time had very little to do with you OR was probably for the best. Or maybe you just realise there is plenty more fish

 

Well, in my case, it wasn't so much a rejection as it was just not being a good person. I don't want to take away from OP's thread but I will say that I have no problem confronting people when I feel they've screwed up. Person in question screwed up in a way that you would think they were leaving the city, never having to worry about seeing my face again, not realizing, or not caring, that the odds are pretty great that they will -- at least once a week or maybe more. So, if they don't care about consequences of actions, I don't care about making an awkward scene.

 

I'm tired of people doing things and thinking they can get away with it because "oh he/she will never say anything to me because it'll be awkward for both of us."

 

Bring on the awkward.

[MidwestUSA]

I don't like squirming. People squirm when I try to get them to swallow a nasogastric tube. Or start an IV. Nothing fun about it at all. What's with the turf war thing anyway? Is there a fifty yard line? Are we talking about motorcycle gangs?

[Treasa]

I don't like squirming. People squirm when I try to get them to swallow a nasogastric tube. Or start an IV. Nothing fun about it at all. What's with the turf war thing anyway? Is there a fifty yard line? Are we talking about motorcycle gangs?

 

This made me laugh SO hard. Yes, they are motorcycle gangs, and sometimes they burst out into choreographed song, too.

 

Ok, to stay relevant, I don't see the fun in watching someone squirm, either. Everyone has their reasons for doing things. I tend to just let things flow nowadays. No one owes me an explanation for anything. I don't like being uncomfortable, and I don't like seeing anyone else be uncomfortable.

[nescafe1982]

I recently ran into a guy I dated (briefly) from OLD at the library.... with his brand new wife. That was actually pretty nice to see! But yeah, a little bit awkward.

[Lansing]

I was dating a girl that lived in my building for a while. She didn't return one of my phone calls so I didn't bother trying to reach her again. I ran into her in my laundry room months later and made small talk but I think she wanted me to "want" her still. She said I had left something in her place and she would drop it off the next night. Never saw her again. Made me feel lucky that things never got more serious.

[irc333]

This kind of thing, when they behave rudely or badly, then down the road want to position themselves as the cat seeing if there's any play left in the mouse, is when I have learned to put the knife in and twist once then walk away smiling to avoid feeling used and like crap afterwards. In the past was all nice and like NBD, which lets them go on their merry way totally unaccountable. If women have accountability issues men are partially to blame for letting them slide out of responsibility way too easily.

 

I mean, when my best friend in the world is two hours late, I give him hell about it, and vice versa, why are we beholden to treat women one bit differently? Yet so many men do just that.

 

Yeah , it's great to call people out on their crap, but sometimes...they attempt to make YOU look like the jerk by turning it around because you criticized them for their actions.

 

YEah I've heard situations like the posts here...guy calls a woman up...says she's busy that night, and catches her in the act THAT night out with female friends instead.

 

Talk about turning 10 shades of red.

[FitChick]

She didn't need to say anything beyond "Hi"and move on.

[Star Gazer]

YEah I've heard situations like the posts here...guy calls a woman up...says she's busy that night, and catches her in the act THAT night out with female friends instead.

 

Talk about turning 10 shades of red.

 

Huh? He called her, she said she was busy... And she was, with her friends. How is that "catching her in the act"??

[sweetjasmine]

Huh? He called her, she said she was busy... And she was, with her friends. How is that "catching her in the act"??

 

Well, you see, anyone who is on an online dating site owes anyone who contacts them dates. How dare someone turn another person down?

[serial muse]

C'mon the reasonable conclusion from "busy" in the post is that the woman said she was busy with work or some specific plans that precluded her being out at night at all, then was caught out at night. Keep rushing for tar and feathers when unwarranted. You wouldn't like it if a man said, "Oh I can't tonight I have to work," then you caught him out drinking that same night.

 

Well, reasonable people can disagree. I hear someone tell me he's "busy" and my first thought isn't that it must be work; it's that simply he has prior plans of some nature to which I am not privy because they are with other people. To me, that's the most logical, simple explanation. But as I said, reasonable people can disagree. Certainly, if he says specifically that he's busy with work and then is out on the town, that would be a lie and would be a horse of a different color. But that wasn't the story irc333 told us.

[MrTurk]

Yeah , it's great to call people out on their crap, but sometimes...they attempt to make YOU look like the jerk by turning it around because you criticized them for their actions.

 

YEah I've heard situations like the posts here...guy calls a woman up...says she's busy that night, and catches her in the act THAT night out with female friends instead.

 

Talk about turning 10 shades of red.

 

As men.....we will always get bashed for calling out women on their bullsh*t. Just the same as the first few women that responded to this thread acted like what the woman did was no big deal....and mentioned that YOU the OP shouldnt enjoy seeing anyone squirm.

 

The problem in our society....is that women just expect to walk all over a man if shes not interested. Most women treat a guy like f'n dog sh*t the instant shes no longer interested.

 

When the day before she was totally cordial with him, and treated him like a human being.

 

It has nothing to do with with "owing the guy anything". That the biggest bullsh*t excuse that women try to hide behind in these situations.

 

We as men agree you dont owe us anything either. But since many of you walk around with your noses in their air.....walking the talk....thinking you are the more mature, more adult gender....why not start by acting like it as well....and telling a guy flat out "Thanks but no thanks!"

 

Stop using a rolladex of excuses and tricks....hoping he gets the hint and stops contacting you.

[serial muse]

As men.....we will always get bashed for calling out women on their bullsh*t. Just the same as the first few women that responded to this thread acted like what the woman did was no big deal....and mentioned that YOU the OP shouldnt enjoy seeing anyone squirm.

 

The problem in our society....is that women just expect to walk all over a man if shes not interested. Most women treat a guy like f'n dog sh*t the instant shes no longer interested.

 

When the day before she was totally cordial with him, and treated him like a human being.

 

It has nothing to do with with "owing the guy anything". That the biggest bullsh*t excuse that women try to hide behind in these situations.

 

We as men agree you dont owe us anything either. But since many of you walk around with your noses in their air.....walking the talk....thinking you are the more mature, more adult gender....why not start by acting like it as well....and telling a guy flat out "Thanks but no thanks!"

 

Stop using a rolladex of excuses and tricks....hoping he gets the hint and stops contacting you.

 

What does this scenario have to do with the actual situation that the OP posted, though? All she apparently said was that she was sorry she didn't stay in touch. How does that translate to sticking her nose in the air, considering herself more mature, treating him like dog shxt or any of this other hyperbole?

 

Maybe she was unconscionably rude, but he didn't say what she did that was so awful, so why make it up?

 

Honestly - this, to me, would be the aforementioned tarring and feathering. Can we maybe refrain from tacking on our own drama to someone's frankly very bland story?

 

OP: Help us out here. People want to be mad at her on your behalf, so for God's sake give them a concrete reason. Maybe you can clear all this up by actually being specific. Just how awful to you was this woman, anyway? Were you upset because she did a disappearing act? What, exactly, did she do?

Edited August 20, 2013 by serial muse

[TheBigQuestion]

The woman in question essentially said "Sorry . . . but I'm not really sorry." Generally speaking, half-hearted apologies aren't exactly praiseworthy.

[MrTurk]

I see someone post "busy" here and conclude it's shorthand for "I have something to do that precludes me going -out- at all." Else why wouldn't the brushoff simply include "I already have plans with friends?" The only reasonable context is that she had no plans at all yet, lied using a "busy" excuse, then was found out on the town not doing whatever the busy-ness entailed, revealing that whatever her busy-ness was was a lie. She could have simply said "no thank you." It would be rude if a man did that, or a family member, and women dating men are no exception.

 

But yeah, mrturk's right in the above post, and when women go to such lengths in rationalizing and gaslighting plainly rude behavior it leads me to the conclusion that they habitually do similarly rude things themselves and consider it their privilege to continue doing so. In the OP, the plain context is that she did not return contacts subsequent to a date. That's rude. It's not a hanging offense, but it's rude. She acknowledged this herself in feeling a need to apologize, which she would not have done in all likelihood had she not found herself in the uncomfortable situation of being socially confined with the object of her past rude treatment. Coincidence made her feel more accountable than she would have liked for past rudeness, and she attempted to placate that feeling with a transparently feeble, takeaway apology. A sincere person would have said simply, "I apologize for not getting back to you, that was rude of me" without the trailing rationalization.

 

After a man takes a woman out on a date, especially if he paid or traveled any significant distance, and especially if he did nothing boorish, she does in fact -owe him- the politeness of a direct refusal of subsequent invitations, not simply avoiding or ignoring contact. Doing otherwise is rude, and those who rationalize or deflect it are likely rude people themselves.

 

This is not necessarily a gender issue or even a dating issue. People who ignore other people they have entered social relations with are behaving rudely, in business, church, civic groups and clubs, charities, family, etc. Yet it is only women in a dating context who are always rationalizing and deflecting this simple fact of manners.

 

 

Holy sh*t.....I never could have said it that good Thank you!

 

 

.

[TheBigQuestion]

After a man takes a woman out on a date, especially if he paid or traveled any significant distance, and especially if he did nothing boorish, she does in fact -owe him- the politeness of a direct refusal of subsequent invitations, not simply avoiding or ignoring contact. Doing otherwise is rude, and those who rationalize or deflect it are likely rude people themselves.

 

This is not necessarily a gender issue or even a dating issue. People who ignore other people they have entered social relations with are behaving rudely, in business, church, civic groups and clubs, charities, family, etc. Yet it is only women in a dating context who are always rationalizing and deflecting this simple fact of manners.

 

The bolded is correct. I hear all sorts of rationalizations for this sort of behavior, and none of them actually make sense. Apparently, rudeness and being oblivious to others is condemnable in every social sphere except dating.

[Taramere]

.Funnily enough, one of these "first timers" had been a date of mine from POF last year...and she sees me there and was like "oh heeeeeeey!" and gives me a big hug.

 

When you say a date, are you talking one or several? Did you have a relationship with her that suddenly fizzled out?

 

But later that evening she approached me and goes, "Listen , um...I do apologize for not having stayed in touch back then, but I just had to do what i thought was best."

 

Evidently she thought the best thing was to not see you again.

 

And I just nodded, smiled and said "Hey, it's no big deal"

 

If you were more honest and direct, you would have said "this is a big deal for me, and I'll be posting my views about it on loveshack.org. I hope you feel awkward and stupid now.

[serial muse]

The only reasonable context is that she had no plans at all yet, lied using a "busy" excuse, then was found out on the town not doing whatever the busy-ness entailed, revealing that whatever her busy-ness was was a lie. She could have simply said "no thank you." It would be rude if a man did that, or a family member, and women dating men are no exception.

 

I think this is assuming an awful lot from a one-sentence statement about being "busy".

 

I do not agree, obviously, that this is the only "reasonable" context. As I said. Instead, I think it's reasonable and possible to disagree, given that we don't actually know very much at all about this story. Don't you?

[MrTurk]

Its the "norm" to just blow people off and ignore them if the date doesnt go well.

 

of course every woman on this site will say shes never done that.....but I have never met 1 woman from OLD that has ever had the balls or maturity to tell me "It was nice meeting you, but I'm going to keep searching, take care"

 

They ALL made it into a game, hoping I take the hint....thats how its supposed to work. And as men....we are supposed to just let them do it....and how dare we say anything about it.