lanamarie313 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 We're both 24, and in grad school. We were friends for a while, and then we started dating. We dated for about a month and a half(no sex, he didn't try at all). We did the typical things - movies, dinner, etc. He has a VERY blunt personality and manner of speaking (for example - he invited me over to his home on one date, and flat out told me that he was not inviting me because he was trying to have sex with me, and he was being honest). He does lack a little tact in general, and doesn't seem to work well with or understand feelings.I also knew he had very little experience in relationships. In fact, he's only had 1 girlfriend and the relationship only lasted 3 months. When we first started dating, he knew I'd just gotten out of a relationship and asked what I was looking for. I told him a relationship - and he said it "took him a while to get there and make up his mind" about something like that. Thinking he obviously needed time to get to know me better, I agreed that this made sense. In reality, I think he meant he didn't even really know if he wanted a relationship. Anyways, as far as I could tell, we had a great time together and a great connection. Out of nowhere, he called me one day and said that the way things were going, he felt that it was leading to "something" and he didn't think he could "commit to anything" and didn't want to hurt me. He also mentioned that he really does have feelings for me, and also got me a birthday gift (my birthday was over 2 months away at the time). Since I was shocked, I just said that was fine and got off the phone. For the next two months, I didn't call/text him, and he didn't contact me either. I assumed that most likely, he was just turning me down politely and that he didn't like me after dating me for a while. But since he is so blunt, part of me thought he might have been genuine. Either way, I let it go. Yesterday, the day before our new semester begins, and about 2 weeks before my birthday, he texted me asking which professor I had for some class. I responded, and he sent me photos of 3 of his paintings, asking me which one I'd like for my birthday gift (so I guess he still remembered my birthday). I told him he didn't have to give me anything, but he responded that he wanted to, and that I should accept one of the paintings. So, I said thanks and picked one of the pieces. That was around 11pm yesterday, and he never responded to the text. I still haven't heard from him today, and I refuse to send him another text. I'm just confused - I never once contacted him after he told me he didn't want a relationship. He contacted me...and then he just decided to not respond again? I'm really confused and honestly hurt, because I liked this guy very much, and I don't know what to do at this point. Why did he bother texting if he was just going to stop responding for no reason? Is he really this confused about what he wants?
nescafe1982 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 First, he's incredibly socially awkward (but this doesn't sound like it will surprise you). Social awkwardness is SO common amongst grad students. Your post leads me to believe he a) wasn't that into dating anyone, let alone you, b) he was a good guy by being upfront about it, and c) he still thinks of you as a friend. So he gets in touch before the new year starts to see if you two will have classes together. Basically, I would avoid getting my hopes up about the potential for dating him. It doesn't seem to be there. He sounds like he wants to be your weird friend, though... the one you see in class and who has a quirky way about him. Are you into that? (That's the next question you should ask yourself).
Author lanamarie313 Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 First, he's incredibly socially awkward (but this doesn't sound like it will surprise you). Social awkwardness is SO common amongst grad students. Your post leads me to believe he a) wasn't that into dating anyone, let alone you, b) he was a good guy by being upfront about it, and c) he still thinks of you as a friend. So he gets in touch before the new year starts to see if you two will have classes together. Basically, I would avoid getting my hopes up about the potential for dating him. It doesn't seem to be there. He sounds like he wants to be your weird friend, though... the one you see in class and who has a quirky way about him. Are you into that? (That's the next question you should ask yourself). Yes, he's socially awkward. At this point I really don't have high hopes of any potential of dating him - it just confuses me and hurts me that I can't figure him out. He had apparently decided to give me one of his paintings as a bday gift months before my birthday was even near...and now has contacted me himself to again remind me that he wants to give me a gift - one of his paintings. I don't understand because he is not one to have female friends, and we were never such close friends that he'd think it important to get me a gift for my birthday. We haven't even spoken in 2 months. It just seems so strange to me, and I can't make sense of it. Especially because he sells his artwork for very good prices, and they are VERY important to him. I just don't understand why he'd want to give one to me. I guess there is just some comfort in me thinking that maybe he does have feelings, and just isn't ready for a relationship. But in the end, it makes no real difference I guess.
forgetmenot75 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Ugh, lose this ass! He obviously doesn't know what he wants, he's unsure about what he feels for you. He's probably not into you, but he likes to have you hanging on just in case. You deserve better. I mean, why are you losing time with him? :s
MidwestUSA Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 While I have no real advice (other than forget this guy), I'm trying to imagine having a painting hanging around that reminds me of such a guy!
nescafe1982 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 While I have no real advice (other than forget this guy), I'm trying to imagine having a painting hanging around that reminds me of such a guy! That's a good point. If you're at all still interested in him and will find it hard to move on, perhaps you shouldn't hang the painting in your apt.... but yeah. without further confirmation, I'm hesitant to say that the gift means, well, anything other than that you guys are friends.
Author lanamarie313 Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 While I have no real advice (other than forget this guy), I'm trying to imagine having a painting hanging around that reminds me of such a guy! I definitely don't plan on hanging it, haha. I'll probably keep it in storage in my garage. My friends told me I should never have responded to the text, or should have responded saying "thanks but no thanks." Maybe I should have, but I didn't want to be mean. I'm not sure what it is about this guy. By the way, he did finally respond to the text around midnight last night. The last thing I said to him, was which painting I'd take. He responded with "if that's the one you want that's the one you get!" I didn't respond and I'm not sure when I should, or what I should say. I think it's incredibly rude to not respond to my text until midnight the next day, when he usually responds to texts within a couple hours at the most. Nobody is that busy, and it's not as if I've been chasing him around. I really hate and don't understand all this back and forth. I feel incredibly stupid to be dealing with all this.
forgetmenot75 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Are the paintings so awesome? Because you don't need to hang them on your wall.
Author lanamarie313 Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Are the paintings so awesome? Because you don't need to hang them on your wall. I'm not going to hang it. I'm probably going to put it in storage or somewhere in the garage. I wouldn't even if it was the most beautiful painting ever. Lol.
Author lanamarie313 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Well I responded to his last text and just said "ok thank you." I'm assuming he'll have to text back at some point to set up a time/place to meet to give me the painting, but I'm a little nervous about actually meeting with him. I haven't bumped into him on campus as of yet, but it's inevitable. As far as meeting up, I'm just scared that he's either going to be very distant with me, or just confusing as he usually is. Tiny chance that he might bring up the last phone call he made to me, but I doubt it. I just don't know where to go with this or if I should say anything beyond "thanks" when I see him.
CrystalCastles Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Why did you accept? You should have just said, no thanks. It's not mean.
Author lanamarie313 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 Well, this might be immature of me, but I just don't want to let him know that I cared. By not accepting the gift or ignoring the text, I thought I'd give the impression that I was upset with him. I actually started my new semester last week and there was literally a 1 in a million chance of us having a class together. Well, guess what, I walked into a class with only 8 other people in it - and he's one of them. I'm glad I didn't ignore the text because that would have made things really awkward now.
farva2 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 Call him out on his BS and see what he says, don't be too rude about it but something along the lines of "so where have you been the past few months" or "why do you take so long to reply". Maybe by showing him that you're upset at his lack or response will give him some confidence and he can man up and make a move.
emva07 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 Well he already told you he doent' want a relationship. That's all you need to know. A lot of times us girls want to think maybe that's not what he meant, or maybe we can change his mind, etc etc. We only end up fooling ourselves.
Author lanamarie313 Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Well I sort of have an update. I picked up the gift - he kept it very, very short. Very brief, and was sort of distant with me. I didn't go out of my way to be nice either. A week passed by, and he sent me a text regarding a club we're both part of. In his text, he said that he couldn't make it to the meeting the next day, but asked if I could sign him up as a volunteer for one of the projects we're doing. He said he'd already told his other friend to sign him up (a very close male friend of his), but said "just in case he forgets, please sign me up." I didn't respond until the next day and just said "yea I'll sign you up." He never texted back, which is fine. Now, maybe I'm overanalyzing - but 1. Why bother texting me? The other friend is a very close friend of his, and is a dependable guy. Even if he really did think the friend might forget, he could have just texted the friend again to remind him instead of texting me. Right? There was really no reason to reach out to me about the project sign up. 2. He is NOT the type to volunteer for any projects. All last year, he never once volunteered for a single project, and constantly mentioned that he didn't feel like contributing that much time to the club (he doesn't get along with a few of the members). So now all of a sudden, it's so important to him that he not only asked his friend to sign him up, but also texted me to have me sign him up in case his friend forgot? It just seems out of character. I'm confused. I guess it's possible that he really just texted because he wanted to volunteer (which is totally out of character for him), but again, I see no reason for him to text me when his close friend was 100% going to be at the meeting. Is it maybe his way of somehow keeping contact without letting get any farther?
Sweetgirl28 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Sounds like he has Asperger's. Not trying to diagnose a person I've never met but the few things you've described seem to correspond to Asperger's.
truth_seeker Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Why don't you just ask him instead of asking all of us? 1
It's Just Me Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I think your friend is quite similar to Sheldon Cooper.
truth_seeker Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Well, this might be immature of me, but I just don't want to let him know that I cared. By not accepting the gift or ignoring the text, I thought I'd give the impression that I was upset with him. I just dealt with a girl who pulled the same move. It is immature. You're playing mind games now. Don't do it. Just muster up the courage and speak your mind. In person or on the phone, you say: "Hey, what's up? You like playing with people's emotions? You say one thing but act weird. You want friendship or you stringing me along?"
KatZee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I don't think he's been totally unreadable. You were seeing him months ago, he admitted it appeared to be going towards something serious and he wasn't ready for it. You guys didn't talk for months, perhaps he just wanted to give you the painting, since he admitted that it was something he had wanted to do months ago. It doesn't mean he wants something more with you... especially since he's still not reaching out on a regular basis, and upon giving you the painting he was quick and distant. I don't think this is a situation to ask him about at all. Just put the painting in your garage, be civil in class, and that's that.
Author lanamarie313 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 What do you really want from this guy? At this point, I just want him to make some sense. But he just doesn't. In all seriousness, in person, 1 on 1, we were very compatible. I think it would have been nice to have something with him, but that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
Author lanamarie313 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 I think your friend is quite similar to Sheldon Cooper. Possibly yes =\
Author lanamarie313 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 I just dealt with a girl who pulled the same move. It is immature. You're playing mind games now. Don't do it. Just muster up the courage and speak your mind. In person or on the phone, you say: "Hey, what's up? You like playing with people's emotions? You say one thing but act weird. You want friendship or you stringing me along?" I really tried from the start to not play any games at all. I was very straightforward and it bit me in the ass. I know I could talk to him, but I feel like it would be pointless because he's not going to give me a real answer.
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