Mikerb9282 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Ok. So this situation has me completely lost. Ill try to keep it short. Iv been getting to know this girl for a few months. She's flirtatious and seems genuinely interested. So I'm at the point where I can't get her out of my head. Ok. Time to do something about it. Right? Ok. So here is the bit about the bad timing. The day I was going to put it all on the table a very close friend of hers unexpectedly passes away. It's quite a shock. She is devastated. After she texts me and tells me what happened. She won't pick up her phone or return a text. What am I supposed to think? Why is she pushing me away when I want to be there for her? Should I try to contact her sooner or wait? It just makes it hard to judge since I care for her and I can't hep her. Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks in advance. Mike
CherryT Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Give her some space. You can be there without being there. I have lost someone close to me before as well, unexpectedly. People grieve differently. You are assuming that she wants people around and that is her grieving process. It might not be. Some people need time to be alone and to let things sink in; and when they're ready to reach out, they will. If you know where she lives, you could send her something? A nice card and flowers to let her know that you are there when she's ready and that you're thinking of her. But don't pressure her. You pressuring her shows her that you care more about yourself than her. You care more about being there for her so that you feel that she's not pushing you away. She's at a state right now where she can't take care of your needs (the need to feel wanted) or give you the attention you want because she is grieving. Edited August 20, 2013 by CherryT 1
Author Mikerb9282 Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Thank you CerryT. Your rational thinking is what I needed right now.
Author Mikerb9282 Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 *update* I'm having flowers delivered to her tomorrow. I hope it cheers her up. I will update with any new info as things progress. Hopefully this thread helps anyone else in this situation.
CherryT Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 It's a sweet gesture. Don't compound that with a lot of texting though. The gesture shows her you're thinking of her... hang tight behind the scenes until she's ready. Just remember, this was an unexpected death of a friend (who if she's very close to, i'm assuming is fairly young/not someone who passed with old age) and that in itself can be traumatizing. 1
lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I personally grieved a lot in my life unfortunately, and having someone close to me pulled me through. Although I could never reach out to them, I could never say, please be with me, I was in so much pain, which makes you more vulnerable to rejection. They have to be there on their own accord. But then we are all different and I agree with CherryT, she could be right. I would just say that maybe meeting her just once and telling her verbally that you are there for her would be a good idea. Because that way she can see your face, and how much you want to help her, and you could see her and read her signals about how she feels, so you wouldn't have to base your decisions purely on assumptions.
Author Mikerb9282 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thank you both for the advice. I don't plan on contacting her. She has had some rough times with grief for a young person and I think she is going to need a lot of time. I don't think I should try to see her in person as I don't see her much in passing. I only see her at her house or her work (waitress). I don't think she would be comfortable with that. Tell me if I'm wrong. She most likely will thank me for the flowers by phone or text. Should I let her carry the conversation further? I don't want to come off as selfish or standoffish. Thanks again. You've been a huge help!
Author Mikerb9282 Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) *update #2* Well she got the flowers. She sent me a very nice thank you text with a pic of the flowers. I replied with a your welcome and a corny joke. No response after that. I'm sure she's busy with her late friends family making arrangements. I didnt try to contact her again. I always go to the restaurant she works at for lunch on Saturdays. Not because she works there but because its my own tradition. Should i ask her out then? I'm still kinda confused on whether I should pursue her so soon. Any advice would be much appreciated. *edit* forgot to say the viewing is today and funeral is tomorrow. Don't know if that changes anything. Edited August 22, 2013 by Mikerb9282
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