mommydatestoo Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I am in a dilemma, I am so confused. Torn so to speak. I posted another thread too but feel I need to clarify. So I am 30 years old, and my daughters dad is 26. When we had our daughter I was 27 and he was 24 in his last year of college. We went through so much over the years. I used to love him but he hurt me deeply because I got caught up in chasing him trying to make him be a family before and after my daughter was born but it wouldnt work and he didnt want to. He was busy with other girls, still being a college guy. It hurt very bad, and our daughter is now 2 almost 3 yrs old. I have been a single parent and spent the last couple years fighting to be a family. He has always been there as a dad I must say in every way. I have gotten child support on time every month from the day she was born. Over the last few months I started working on me, and decided to be strong. I started getting out, and met a new guy. It is the first guy I have dated in years besides my daughters dad. He is a great guy, he is older though he is 43. I kind of think meeting him helped me get over my daughters father. However there are a few things I worry about. A part of me always wanted my daughter to have a 2 parent home. A part of me wanted another child one day, or more then one more. With this new guy he wants a future but he said he only has 5 years to have another kid. I worry that his timeline doesnt fit mine as I am still young and have plenty of time to have more kids. He also only is open to ONE more. He also has a 2 year old he has custody of because the mother is only 21 and on drugs, etc. He is a great dad, but the thought of being a step mom scares me. I always wanted my own kids. and being his daughter is also 2 yrs old..it is overwhelming for me. When we get our kids together its so stressful on me like having 2 toddlers. Well my daughters dad has also come back and said he wants better for his daughter, and he knows we both have made mistakes and that he has matured and going to prove to me with time he is a better man. A part of me is hesitant, but a part of me always wanted a family for my daughter and both her parents in the home. It is tough being a single mom. Do I owe it to my daughter to try? To atleast give him a chance to prove himself? I like this new guy, but now that my daughers dad is trying so hard to come back it has me confused. Is one of these situations better then the other? I am torn.
Charym88 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I say don't do it for your daughter but do what your heart says, because in the end if it's not for yourself you will have regrets later. If you do it for your daughter only, you will never be happy. If you still love him, go for it. That way, you two will have the love to share and give to your daughter. If you two just get together to paint a picture for the world, then you two will be miserable and it will reflect in the relationship which translates to some type of abuse such as cheating. I know people who have stayed together for children and all they do is look at eachother and PRETEND for the child. Don't let that happen to you. 2
Balzac Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 He is a great dad, but the thought of being a step mom scares me. I see this as a big hurdle. What you've spoken about is His/Mine/Our's spanning quite a few years. Three year old now likely departing for college @19. 1
Kizza Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I think... 1) Your kids father should be in her life and so that is first and foremost and secondly you two should be friendly toward each other for the sake of the kid. Don't place too much pressure on yourselves to jump back in to a relationship. Things should progress naturally. If you are right for each other then it will happen. 2) New guy I believe is a lot older than you and at a different point in his life and so I would progress slowly with that one too. Explore whether there is a solid future and take it easy. There is no rush right now, especially because there are children involved. The kids come first. 1
Author mommydatestoo Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 thanks, great advice. I agree with there is no rush. I told my daughters dad that nothing will happen overnight and we must develop a better friendship before even thinking of a relationship. The new guy I am dating, its just tough. He is 43, with a bit of baby mama drama in terms of her being unfit, in court for custody, always giving him trouble (but luckily not with me) He also has some credit/financial issues from his past marriage he is still cleaning up. He has never owned a home yet. He and his wife filed bankruptcy several years ago. Are these red flags? My daughters dad is young, college educated, perfect credit,no baggage. I just keep weighing the pros and cons of both. with the new guy I feel like I have two children, not just mine. and its overwhelming at times. Especially in just 3.5 months of dating. He is a good man though. Should I tell the new guy about my daughters dad wanting to work on things or him approaching me about it? We arent boyfriend and girlfriend yet, so do you think it is necessary? It is just so confusing. I am not ready to decide on anything or anyone. Anymore advice is surely welcome
todreaminblue Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 So yoru daughters father wants to try again now you have a chance at happiness with someone new...do you ever think that is a little selfish of him? that he isn't truly considering you or how you feel just how he is feeling at the thought of someone else being happy with you or you finding happiness..... he wants a family now right at the time you decide someone else might be able to be the one to have that family with you...convenient dont you think? i question the moitves behind the words said by a guy who waits until you have moved on.......eh had all the time in the world...including when you guys were together...but now is the time....i would have to ask why now........you have been trying for years.......i think its tiem fro some guy who may actually make you happy to have that chance.......but that is only my opinion ....i hope that you find that happiness and family you truly seek....hugs..deb 1
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