Aslanbek Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Hi. You guys are probably not going to understand this, but here goes. Today, I did something that I've almost never, ever done in my 50 years on this planet. A beautiful woman who works in my office walked by and I gave her a simple compliment. I said, "You look nice today." She said "thanks" and kept going. OK. So that was something that probably happens to most of you - either as complementer or complimentee - all the time. But for me it is something I don't know anything about. I am usually way too shy to say anything to someone like her. I still don't know why I decided to do it today. I can tell you that I'm slightly regretting it, because I probably came off like a dumb little schoolboy. I wish I would have done like I usually do and just not said anything to her. A bit about me - I am successful in many ways. I have a great job and degrees from top-level schools. I am a former athlete, musician and media personality. I have three bright, high-achieving sons. I am a very intelligent, kind-hearted person. With women, however, I have never had a clue. I grew up in an all-male institution and never had the chance to get to know women in a natural, human way. I was a late bloomer in terms of sex and relationships to the point that I didn't lose my virginity until the week I graduated from college. I don't really think I'm hideous, but I have been reacted to by women in every manner from revulsion (80% of the time) to indifference (15%) to freaky fatal attraction (5%). The latter resulted in two stalkers. I have weird, strange luck with females. I guess I am shy and socially inept. My lack of insight and experience is especially painful in the case of my marriage. I have been married 24 years to the only woman I ever dated and had a relationship with. I love her, but our marriage has been hellish. We are incompatible and simply do not get along. She has been harping on and off for the past 15 years about wanting a divorce. I do not want to disrupt the kids' lives and won't be a part-time parent, so we are at a standstill and standoff. But lately she has been talking about divorce more and more often. She has never been very affectionate, but now she is more and more a cold fish. She hasn't slept in the bed with me for almost a year and our sex life is nonexistent. Needless to say, I am very angry with her. Our marriage is irretrevably broken. There is no hope for it. That is very, very painful to realize. But if she doesn't want to be with me, what can I do? In any event, that is some of the backdrop to my original question - why do I feel so weird about complimenting a beautiful woman? Please don't say it's because I am trying to cheat on my wife (I don't care about that) or hit on this other woman (I've got no game). Just please give me some insight into my feelings if you can. Thanks.
soccerrprp Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 You're complimenting another woman b/c you find HER attractive and your marriage is shot. Get a divorce if you are so miserable and there's no hope.
Author Aslanbek Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 You're complimenting another woman b/c you find HER attractive and your marriage is shot. Get a divorce if you are so miserable and there's no hope. I do find her attractive, sure. I said that. But I've found all kinds of women attractive. But I never complimented them. And getting a divorce isn't all that easy.
ChatroomHero Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 you feel weird about it because you are shy of women, afraid of rejection, perplexed by interacting with them...and you went outside of your comfort zone. I am guessing you never complimented them because you thought, "if I say anything it will come across as awkward, I'll feel stupid, she'll obviously think poorly of me and she would never be interested in me. Instead you need to realize she was just as likely flattered and went home thinking it was a good day because she got a nice compliment. You need to focus on the fact that as a man there is nothing wrong in complimenting someone, it's much better than ignoring them or being rude. I went to the movies a few months ago and there was a young girl behind the counter and when I walked up she greeted me with, "you have amazing eyes". She was probably 20 years younger than me, nothing was going to happen, I was taken off guard, but here I am posting about it months later. You need to focus on the fact that likely if you compliment a woman she will not think it's cheesy, lame or offensive but she will be genuinely flattered. It's just not your comfort zone and you stepped outside. The more you step outside the more comfortable it will become if that's what you want. 1
Lani Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I used to be shy about complimenting people, so I made conscious effort to do it more often. I am female, and 27, so at the other end of the spectrum to you I guess, but struggled with it none the less. It seems the woman you complimented took it as just that, a nice compliment. So you have no reason to feel weird. I am guessing the reason you do is because your wife has been so horrid to you and you've lost confidence in yourself and women. Start doing it little. I just threw one out at my morning coffee spot, by telling the guy behind the counter that I was glad he was there because he makes me coffee the best. I also threw in 'and you have a great beard' but you could probably leave that part out All I'm really saying is that the more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel. Lastly- get out of your marriage. The kids will suffer more long term if you pretend everything is ok. They will have this twisted picture of what a marriage should look like, and that's far less healthy than separated parents. 2
New User Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I used to be shy about complimenting people, so I made conscious effort to do it more often. I am female, and 27, so at the other end of the spectrum to you I guess, but struggled with it none the less. It seems the woman you complimented took it as just that, a nice compliment. So you have no reason to feel weird. I am guessing the reason you do is because your wife has been so horrid to you and you've lost confidence in yourself and women. Start doing it little. I just threw one out at my morning coffee spot, by telling the guy behind the counter that I was glad he was there because he makes me coffee the best. I also threw in 'and you have a great beard' but you could probably leave that part out All I'm really saying is that the more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel. Lastly- get out of your marriage. The kids will suffer more long term if you pretend everything is ok. They will have this twisted picture of what a marriage should look like, and that's far less healthy than separated parents. And there is a good chance they will recreate the dynamic between you and your wife in their own relationships. 1
Lani Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 And there is a good chance they will recreate the dynamic between you and your wife in their own relationships. That was my point. But thanks for reiterating 1
Author Aslanbek Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 you feel weird about it because you are shy of women, afraid of rejection, perplexed by interacting with them...and you went outside of your comfort zone. No doubt. I am guessing you never complimented them because you thought, "if I say anything it will come across as awkward, I'll feel stupid, she'll obviously think poorly of me and she would never be interested in me. Instead you need to realize she was just as likely flattered and went home thinking it was a good day because she got a nice compliment. You need to focus on the fact that as a man there is nothing wrong in complimenting someone, it's much better than ignoring them or being rude What I worry about is that I think this is true for when a woman is complimented by a man who is attractive. If a guy is not attractive - and I am not - a woman, especially one as beautiful as she is, would conceivably be offended or creeped out. I always thought women only appreciated being complimented by guys they want to notice them - not those they don't want to be bothered by. I went to the movies a few months ago and there was a young girl behind the counter and when I walked up she greeted me with, "you have amazing eyes". She was probably 20 years younger than me, nothing was going to happen, I was taken off guard, but here I am posting about it months later. You need to focus on the fact that likely if you compliment a woman she will not think it's cheesy, lame or offensive but she will be genuinely flattered. It's just not your comfort zone and you stepped outside. The more you step outside the more comfortable it will become if that's what you want. I hope you're right. I just know that I've been treated badly by women, and I don't look forward to trying to date or meet them in the future.
Author Aslanbek Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 And there is a good chance they will recreate the dynamic between you and your wife in their own relationships. I sincerely hope not. One of the reasons I ended up with my wife is that I had few options - my kids won't be in that situation.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 So I was a bit - just a bit - bummed because this lady left the job a few months ago. But I saw her a couple of days ago at the mall. Talk about mixed feelings.
jba10582 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 if you give without expectations it comes from a better place within you.
Blade96 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I have known other men who said they don't have a clue about compliments. Including my Russian friend who has complimented me yet said he doesn't have a clue about how to do them. Yet he complimented me anyways. Seems to be men who say that, and you're another one I have heard of so I don't think I'm talking out of the part where the sun doesn't shine. Why does it seem men don't know much about compliments or at least that's what they SAY? And yeah seems like you're not happy. You should get a divorce. Or something.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 if you give without expectations it comes from a better place within you. Believe you me........I've got no expectations.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I have known other men who said they don't have a clue about compliments. Including my Russian friend who has complimented me yet said he doesn't have a clue about how to do them. Yet he complimented me anyways. Seems to be men who say that, and you're another one I have heard of so I don't think I'm talking out of the part where the sun doesn't shine. Why does it seem men don't know much about compliments or at least that's what they SAY? What;s your question, Blade? Is it that you don't believe what I'm saying? I haven't given you or anyone else a reason to doubt my veracity. I am what I am - a shy, awkward man who doesn't have much experience with women. I used to compliment young women when I was a much younger man until they looked at me as if I was pond scum. I deduced that women love receiving compliments - if the guy giving them is attractive. If not - fuhgetaboutit. So I stopped doing that. That's why I said it was very much out of character for me to compliment this lady. And yeah seems like you're not happy. You should get a divorce. Or something. Indeed, I am not happy. I am quite miserable, to tell you the truth. But divorce in my present circumstance is all but impossible. And I don't know what "something" could be.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 Why is a divorce impossible? It's not really feasible financially and I refuse to be without my kids.
Blade96 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 What;s your question, Blade? Is it that you don't believe what I'm saying? No. I believe you, because you aren't the first guy I've known who said they have a problem giving compliments. Like they feel awkward. And I'm wondering why women seem to be better at it than men. It might not be true but just my thoughts.
Phantom888 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 If you are so unhappy you need to divorce. But be prepared to pay alimony for a really long time. Also, if you haven't dated anyone else in the last 24 years, be prepared to get shocked. I sure found out the hard way, but I am lucky to have found the love of my life after 4 years of hellish divorce.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 No. I believe you, because you aren't the first guy I've known who said they have a problem giving compliments. Like they feel awkward. And I'm wondering why women seem to be better at it than men. It might not be true but just my thoughts. I dunno, maybe women are better at it because they get more compliments. But yeah, giving and receiving them is really tough.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 If you are so unhappy you need to divorce. But be prepared to pay alimony for a really long time. Also, if you haven't dated anyone else in the last 24 years, be prepared to get shocked. I sure found out the hard way, but I am lucky to have found the love of my life after 4 years of hellish divorce. You're confirming what I suspect, but you tell me I should do it anyway?
Eau Claire Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 This thread isn't about compliments but his/situation. However, I always like to get a very specific compliment. Perhaps on my eyes, hair, clothing , etc. of course, the compliment should reflect level of intimacy and not be too forward. 'You have such a radiant smile' 'Your skin is so flawless' 'I'm not going to do it but have an urge to run my fingers through your hair '. ( a good one if you want to kiss a woman but not sure if its ok ). Never be sexual in a compliment unless its your girlfriend. The only guy who I like to be called looking 'hot' is my partner.
Author Aslanbek Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 This thread isn't about compliments but his/situation. ? However, I always like to get a very specific compliment. Perhaps on my eyes, hair, clothing , etc. of course, the compliment should reflect level of intimacy and not be too forward. 'You have such a radiant smile' 'Your skin is so flawless' 'I'm not going to do it but have an urge to run my fingers through your hair '. ( a good one if you want to kiss a woman but not sure if its ok ). That would be way above my pay grade. I wouldn't say anything like any of the above because I figure women wouldn't want to hear that from me. Never be sexual in a compliment unless its your girlfriend. The only guy who I like to be called looking 'hot' is my partner. The last thing I would do is be sexual. I'm way too cautious with women to do that. I'm surprised I was even able to tell her she looked nice.
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