Aqua Fleur Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Hello Love Shack, this is my first time posting. I'm hoping you might be able to give me some perspective on my dilemma, or that the smile action of putting all my feelings into words gives me some clarity.. I've been with my current boyfriend for 18 months. He isn't overly romantic, more what I'd call "stable", always there for me after a hard day or during a depressive episode, loves me (telling me this daily) and sees us spending our lives together. We are both in our late 20s/early 30s. I recently moved overseas for work, and to sort my life out. I have depression and many other issues stemming from childhood (emotional neglect and abandonment) which has resulted in me forming codependent relationships with men since my late teens. I felt I needed to be "alone" in order to do this, and I truly hope I can heal and become a healthy, whole person. My current dilemma isn't new to me. It involves an inability to fully let go of an ex boyfriend, and here away from home, I find myself thinking of him often. I had been with this man for 12mths, lived together when he dumped me out of the blue. There was no obvious reason (and none given since) so I believe it to be a classic case of GIGS. He got in touch 4mths later but despite his begging, pledges of love etc I couldn't take him back. His continued efforts and my lingering feelings for him eventually wore me down- I'm ashamed to say I was already casually involved with my now-bf during all this- but never committed to be bf/gf I must add.. But by the time I was almost going to try again with him, he chose to date another girl. This ended within a couple of months, and I learned that he had ended things with her because she "wasn't me" (or was that just a lie?). He still had feelings for me and I know still feels we are meant to be together, as little as a month ago. We have had no contact since, obviously out of respect to my current bf. I just can't figure out why.. In this stupid head of mine, why I keep thinking about my ex when I have a perfectly fine (and loyal) partner already.. I don't think I had enough time to move on before jumping into my current arrangement, which I never thought would go further than a few dates and a bit of fun.. Although my dependency issues on men probably have a lot to do with that. I honestly feel absolutely dreadful and guilty, and wish these thoughts would just stop! Do you think they mean anything, is my ex the person i should be with, or am I just fixated on the past and what "could have been"? If you have made it to the end, you are amazing, and if you have any advice please be gentle- I feel extremely fragile right now and have had serious suicidal thoughts in the past.
Philosoraptor Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 If I had to take a gamble here I'd say the ex left for 4 months then got lonely and reached out to you. He was obviously not too focused on winning you back (and professing his "love") or else he wouldn't have had other women waiting in the wings to date. He sounds like a flake and very unstable. One your current man, you have to decide how you feel about him. You can't stay with someone just because they offer stability, you need passion as well. I was in your position maybe 18 months ago. Had passion one place and stability another, but neither by theirself is good enough. I ended both, took some time alone, and decided to be patient. Now I'm with someone I have both with and we're getting married in June. Not saying this is what you should or need to do, but you obviously feel something is missing as you find yourself confused about who to be with.
Author Aqua Fleur Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply.. I guess I am really terrified both ways.. Terrified the ex might be the one I am truly meant to be with, and terrified if I let my current to I may never find someone so willing to offer me their heart and that I'm so sure would never break mine.. I know I have a lot of thinking to do.. Thank you again
Author Aqua Fleur Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I'm thankful for my reply but.. 227 views and only one? Does anyone else have an opinion they'd be willing to share? He (the ex) still says we're meant to be even a couple of months ago.. Am I right to ignore this?
Philosoraptor Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 Since you're still looking for advice here... I'd say that a healthy relationship has mutual interest from both sides. You need love, comfort, and trust to have a truly happy relationship. I'd ignore your ex's last comments as you've seen that he didn't wait around long. Seems like he was lonely and once you didn't play along he ran to the next woman. If he truly wanted to be with you the way he professed, he would have given it time and patience.
CptSaveAho Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 How about getting a therapist for your emotional abandonment/neglect issues instead of relying on boyfriends to fill that void. You are aware of the issues, yet you do nothing to repair/fix/mend them.
theonlyjuan Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 Sounds like his life isn't as good as he maybe thought it would be, after you guys broke up. Some people have real trouble of letting go of the past, others never look back and look forward. You got dumped out of the blue, maybe you are searching for answers? I got dumped out of the blue and it left me with a million questions. I was trying to work out why it happened because I thought there was a fault within me. I just accepted that they were her issues and nothing to do with me. Are you with your current partner for the right reasons? You can't use people to make you feel complete and loved. I have done it, you will never be truly happy with them or yourself
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