kaylan Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Have you been guilty of this? Do you have friends who do it? Do people you date do it? Gotta say its aggravating that a couple of my friends do this, and all of a sudden show back up when they need advice or the relationship ends. Im actually about to just cut one off, as that sort of friendship seems fake. And when I date someone, I wanna encourage them to spend time with friends. Because I want that space too. In my younger days (teens), I remember wanting to spend every waking moment with the girl I liked. But as I got older, I started to really value friend time. Plus it makes a relationship healthier if youre not constantly on top of each other (not in that way you dirty mind, you ) Thoughts?
ThaWholigan Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Have you been guilty of this? Do you have friends who do it? Do people you date do it? Gotta say its aggravating that a couple of my friends do this, and all of a sudden show back up when they need advice or the relationship ends. Im actually about to just cut one off, as that sort of friendship seems fake. And when I date someone, I wanna encourage them to spend time with friends. Because I want that space too. In my younger days (teens), I remember wanting to spend every waking moment with the girl I liked. But as I got older, I started to really value friend time. Plus it makes a relationship healthier if youre not constantly on top of each other (not in that way you dirty mind, you ) Thoughts? Some people are just more inclined to the one-on-one company of a relationship, while some relationships also serve a social purpose for them. It depends really. I agree, from the outside it does seem rather annoying. 1
New User Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Done it in the past- especially during my marriage. Though in that case it was largely due to my (now ex) wife's manipulation and wanting my focus to solely be on her. I can say categorically that I won't ever do that again.
irc333 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Where I live, married couples are joined at the hip. EVerytime I ask a co-worker what they did on the weekend, they are like "I hung out with my husband" Yeah, nothing else going on in their lives once they get married. Have you been guilty of this? Do you have friends who do it? Do people you date do it? Gotta say its aggravating that a couple of my friends do this, and all of a sudden show back up when they need advice or the relationship ends. Im actually about to just cut one off, as that sort of friendship seems fake. And when I date someone, I wanna encourage them to spend time with friends. Because I want that space too. In my younger days (teens), I remember wanting to spend every waking moment with the girl I liked. But as I got older, I started to really value friend time. Plus it makes a relationship healthier if youre not constantly on top of each other (not in that way you dirty mind, you ) Thoughts?
ddlovexx Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I'm dealing with this myself... all of my girlfriends are in relationships and I never see them/they choose their significant others over our friendship. When I was in a relationship I saw my friends as much as my ex. Some of it is the glue that binds when relationships are new, and some of it is just BS. Some people don't know how to balance life and/or need someone else to "complete" them... which leaves little room for us and we sit on the sidelines. All you can do is wait it out and hope they realize. I've tried to talk to my friends, you can try too, but for some reason they can't seem to rationalize giving up one or two nights a week for a friend. :/ 1
Star Gazer Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 There's a balance. We all only have so much time. When we're single, all of that time is available for friends. When we pair up, we naturally have less time for friends; and if we're really busy people, sometimes the relationship becomes a priority... But we shouldn't all out disappear. Among my friends, typically, in the very beginning of new relationships, we all go "poof!" and then once things stabilize in the relationship, friendships re-stabilize as well. 6
Els Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I guess it depends on what you mean by 'disappear'. Do they stop contacting you entirely, stop doing anything with friends, literally disappear off the face of the earth? Or are they still there, just less often because they're spending more time with their partner? The former I would say is pretty bad, and probably a sign of obsession/lack of balance. The latter is, well, normal. I do that, and when my friends get bfs/gfs, I expect that they would have less spare time, too. I wouldn't expect a R to have any chance of surviving if both people in it were adamant about placing their friends above their relationship and not cutting down on any buddy-time. Perhaps in the beginning, when dating casually, that would make sense, but once exclusive things are going to get old real fast if your bf/gf was spending 1 day a week with you and the rest with his/her buddies. I had a male friend who did that. Great friend to have, but I pitied his gf (who, good on her, broke up with him), and would never, ever date him. 2
MrCastle Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 There are friends I have who manage their relationships very well and it's hard to tell that they are actively dating or in a new relationship, and others that are infatuated in the early stages and don't know how to manage their time and flat out disappear. While I can understand why that happens, it's still not cool in my book. It is what it is though.
ThaWholigan Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I was seriously just going to start a thread about something similar. Yeah, I do it and I don't give a single flying fig about how my friends perceive it. When I start something new with someone no, I'm not as available to my friends as I once was before but with good reason. While I don't totally drop them or disappear completely I don't have the same kind of time for them, and that's okay and any good friend should understand that. I've noticed people who are used to you being single are often miffed when you're no longer at their beck and call and try to pull some kind of 'bros before hoes' crap over and over again. They try to guilt trip you for not being available or around to do the usual things you once did as a group. My own best friend spent an hour chiding me for not being around to answer her frantic, 2AM phone calls about her own relationship issues because I was with my (now ex) boyfriend. When you meet someone new you want to get to know them and enjoy the early stages of your relationship. Sorry but sometimes friends get pushed to the backburner. Some people see their social circles as a sort of surrogate family to a certain degree - while others do tend to use their social circles for purposes such as unloading their own relationship problems . I do feel that friends should understand that. I have given lots of my friends space when they are with GFs. I understand that their dynamic is just as important if not more, and it must be respected. Often, some people being in a couple actually helps their own social life as they start to come out of themselves too! When friends pull that card, I do understand where they are coming from too. Either side is likely to find something annoying if the dynamic they adhere to is changed.
ls32ssibm Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 All guys do this when they find a girl they are really into to. The question is, to what degree. I've had a "friend" essentially severe ties to be completely absorbed in a girl. This isn't a friend worth having. I had another friend who will occasionally blow me off for a girl, but it's no big deal. The best solution is to incorporate group things for your friends and their g/fs TBH. Unless they don't get along. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Hate to make this about gender, but this is personally something I very much dislike with women as I have not encountered this with my personal male friends. They're single, they hang out with their friends...then they meet a "guy" who is much like many other guys, and she falls off the face of the earth, doesn't respond to her friends texts or calls...puts them on the back-burner to spend time with you and treats them like throw-away friends that are only relevant while they're single and looking for "Mr. Right"...and I realize that is a priority for a lot of women, so I guess they kind of understand each other with their alien antennas...but I have spoken with women who find this disrespectful as well and become disappointed when their friends pull this stunt where they just might as well have been kidnapped. Then of course, once the security of the relationship is established then they want to come back with this big group hug and invite back into their lives like now the VIP has settled in the room the sheep can enter...everyone they've been giving the cold-shoulder to for months or they come back disappointed when they're having problems seeking a shoulder to cry/vent on to their friends. I can understand prioritizing a relationship or dating someone new and being into it and focused on that person, but it doesn't excuse the outright neglect and even dismissal of people who are important to your life...nowadays though people just use FB to brag about every new and upcoming relationship so it's a little less sparse, I guess that's one good thing about social media addiction. Otherwise though, I just find it rude and dismissive of people to do that to people they supposedly value and cherish in their lives, it just doesn't make sense to me...and I realize how busy people can be in their lives, some of my friends are married and have full schedules or just busy single guys and luckily we're on the same page...but I've known women to handle the balance with finesse as well, so I'm definitely not trying to make this a battle of the sexes, it's just what I've seen and experienced mostly with certain women. This just happens to be a pet-peeve of mine overall...it irks me for some reason and my friends are all very independent. It's not like we're dependent on each other or always hanging out. Edited August 20, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
Author kaylan Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) ^My two friends Im currently speaking of, one is male, the other female. And in my group of guys friend, we have one friend who we basically never contact when its time for everyone to hang out anymore. Because he made it a habit of not being around and spending all his time with his chick. This happened in more than 1 relationship...so its a trend with him. Nevermind the fact that he complains about it after the fact. But what do you expect when youre never available to chill? People forget about you.Where I live, married couples are joined at the hip. EVerytime I ask a co-worker what they did on the weekend, they are like "I hung out with my husband" Yeah, nothing else going on in their lives once they get married. Thatll never be me. At least a couple sundays out of the month have to be man day. Especially during football season.There's a balance. We all only have so much time. When we're single, all of that time is available for friends. When we pair up, we naturally have less time for friends; and if we're really busy people, sometimes the relationship becomes a priority... But we shouldn't all out disappear. Among my friends, typically, in the very beginning of new relationships, we all go "poof!" and then once things stabilize in the relationship, friendships re-stabilize as well. Im talking about people you dont see for months at a time. I dont mind only seeing a friend one weekend a month while they spend most of their time with their significant other. But these friends disappear for long stretches, and take forever to reply to texts, calls or even fb messages. But as soon as something is wrong, or if theye single, or if their SO has plans, all of a sudden they become a chatty Cathy. Thats a false friendship in my book. Edited August 20, 2013 by kaylan
Weezy1973 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Personally I feel like one of the 'signs' of a great relationship is that you can and want to spend a ton of time with that person. Which will decrease the amount of time you spend with your friends.
Els Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 If they disappear for months at a time with zero contact, OP, I think you shouldn't really bother with them when they come back. Definitely a false friendship. 2
Star Gazer Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Hate to make this about gender, but this is personally something I very much dislike with women as I have not encountered this with my personal male friends. Well, you're a dude. It makes sense the chicks would disappear, as when entering a new relationship, I think it's more common (and more courteous to your SO) to remove yourself from opposite sex friendships than it is same-sex friendships.
Star Gazer Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Im talking about people you dont see for months at a time. I dont mind only seeing a friend one weekend a month while they spend most of their time with their significant other. But these friends disappear for long stretches, and take forever to reply to texts, calls or even fb messages. But as soon as something is wrong, or if theye single, or if their SO has plans, all of a sudden they become a chatty Cathy. Thats a false friendship in my book. Yeah, that's not real friendship. You're in their life just to help them pass the time until their next relationship, or to use you to assist them in that effort. Mirror them, and go poof! yourself. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 My man and I each have just one best friend. We see them as often as they want to see us. Since we are all in relationships, we are all pretty understanding of the fact that our partner has become our number 1. When your partner becomes your best friend, that big group of "friends" ends up not meaning that much. I used to have a group of friends, they fell to the wayside when I got married though. We still kept in touch, but it wasn't the same. We don't spend all our time together because we don't like our friends, it's because we LOVE spending all our time together. With our "real" friends, we make time for them, but it isn't as much as when we are single. Life ends up happening, both of our friends have kids too, so it isn't like they have much time either.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Most of my friends do a good job of balancing girlfriend/wife time and guy time. In fact, one of my best friend's wives encourages her husband to hang out with me and the boys. She finds that he comes back refreshed and more attentive/loving after getting a chance to unwind with me and some of our other friends. Another friend's wife let her husband go with me across the country to a sporting event a week after their child was born. I don't know how he pulled that off but i'm sure he's had to do 14 favors to make up for that one I have one friend who is what the OP describes. Once he started dating his now-wife, he disappeared completely. I still hang out with him occasionally, once every couple months, but he cut off several of our mutual friends. When we get together it's like old times, but he totally changed once his wife entered the picture. He's the rarity though, as most of my friends who are dating have been good at balancing that, at least until they have kids. Then they are ghosts, but that's understandable -- children take up almost all of one's non-work time. As for me, I try to stay balanced. I would feel like I was being disloyal to cut off my friends entirely. That has pissed off girlfriends in the past. My most recent one was easily my No. 1 option and while I didn't cut off my friends entirely. I was a lot less available as I scheduled her for most of my free time and hung out with my other friends as backup plans. I didn't completely cut them off though, which allowed them to fold me back in once things died with the ex.
CrystalCastles Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I've had this happen. A friend of mine likes to disappear when a guy shows up in her life. Only she vanishes for quite a while, and often lies about what she's doing over the weekend (she says "studying at home" but she's actually on campus hanging out with her bf- another friend has seen her car frequently and when questioned, she said her bf was "helping her study"). I mean, why lie? It's annoying, but I try to understand anyway. It's a lot more frustrating when someone disappears and lies about it.
New User Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I've had this happen. A friend of mine likes to disappear when a guy shows up in her life. Only she vanishes for quite a while, and often lies about what she's doing over the weekend (she says "studying at home" but she's actually on campus hanging out with her bf- another friend has seen her car frequently and when questioned, she said her bf was "helping her study"). I mean, why lie? It's annoying, but I try to understand anyway. It's a lot more frustrating when someone disappears and lies about it. Honestly, I can somewhat understand the disappearing thing. At least in the early stages of a new and exciting relationship. The situation you're describing..... I simply don't understand at all. Or is this a d00d that she knows you hate?
Emilia Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Otherwise though, I just find it rude and dismissive of people to do that to people they supposedly value and cherish in their lives, it just doesn't make sense to me...and I realize how busy people can be in their lives, some of my friends are married and have full schedules or just busy single guys and luckily we're on the same page...but I've known women to handle the balance with finesse as well, so I'm definitely not trying to make this a battle of the sexes, it's just what I've seen and experienced mostly with certain women. This just happens to be a pet-peeve of mine overall...it irks me for some reason and my friends are all very independent. It's not like we're dependent on each other or always hanging out. I'm surprised you are this sensitive. Can't say it bothers me much, they always re-appear.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Well, you're a dude. It makes sense the chicks would disappear, as when entering a new relationship, I think it's more common (and more courteous to your SO) to remove yourself from opposite sex friendships than it is same-sex friendships. Not affecting me directly with my personal friends, the "friendships" I have with females which are more acquaintances in my life are not people I spend close personal time with, so there's no rift in those relationships...my male friends are lifelong friends who I would rely and depend on and therefore wouldn't dismiss or ignore them because I found a new woman and now I'm sucked into that for X amount of time. My friends have been there for years, through a lot of things in life...they're not just supplemental people to me for when I'm single only. As we're all in our 30's now we have our own grown-up and independent lives, but even with everything going on we don't ignore each other because of that. I'm surprised you are this sensitive. Can't say it bothers me much, they always re-appear. I'm only sensitive to how a woman may treat people she values in her life, a new guy IMO is either here nor there, he might be there the next month he might not. Therefore why make this random person that you just started dating the priority of your life? I get it but not to the extent that some women take it, I'm sure men do it too but not my friends...If anything I'm the hard guy to track down in the group because you never know where I'm at or what I'm up to. I just see it as a shame to prioritize your friends one day then put them on the backburner the next because of some new person you met or because you're with someone now and they're less relevant to your life, then just keep rinsing and repeating as new people you're dating come in and out of your life...until one sticks around long enough to know you finally can start channeling that attention to the other things in your life once you feel things have settled down a bit...just a shoddy way to have relationships if you ask me, I know people have this "understanding" about it, but it's just really an excuse to say this person is where I want my head buried in sand with 24/7 because I'm obsessed with the relationship and dependent on it now...and If you're the same way, I understand it too. But if that's what makes you happy...
Geiss Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I was seriously just going to start a thread about something similar. Yeah, I do it and I don't give a single flying fig about how my friends perceive it. When I start something new with someone no, I'm not as available to my friends as I once was before but with good reason. While I don't totally drop them or disappear completely I don't have the same kind of time for them, and that's okay and any good friend should understand that. I've noticed people who are used to you being single are often miffed when you're no longer at their beck and call and try to pull some kind of 'bros before hoes' crap over and over again. They try to guilt trip you for not being available or around to do the usual things you once did as a group. My own best friend spent an hour chiding me for not being around to answer her frantic, 2AM phone calls about her own relationship issues because I was with my (now ex) boyfriend. When you meet someone new you want to get to know them and enjoy the early stages of your relationship. Sorry but sometimes friends get pushed to the backburner. What are you going to do then when you break up and come grovelling back to the friends that you bailed on because you had no time for them since you couldn't find a day here and there for your friends. And then find they give a big FU to you and get lost. Then you have no friends and no SO. Because you are a selfish prick. I would not and have never done any friend bailing when seeing someone else. Unfortunately lots of my old friends have and they can go F themselves now. A few of my friends are like me where we still hang out despite if they are seeing someone or not. Don't have to be with the friends all the time but to flat out bail on them tells a lot about you.
Recommended Posts