lesbian drama -

[opinionlover]

I have been in a lesbian relationship for a year with an older woman (she is 12 years older than me, i'm 29, she's 41). The circumstances under which we got together initially weren't great as I was in a long term relationship at the time. However I finished my previous relationship before I starting the new one.

 

I decided to leave my ex for this woman because i was very unhappy, and she offered me everything that my previous relationship lacked. She was passionate, caring, loving, extremely moral and knew what she wanted. This made me very happy and we fell head over heels for each other in not time. i however didn't properly mourn the end of my previous relationship and this turned out to be a bad thing. I had some pretty irrational feelings when my ex started seeing someone else too and this obviously upset my new partner, even though i knew it wasnt because i wanted her back, it was because i hadn't reall delt with the break up because i was too busy enjoying my new relationship. So i made some errors and told a few white lies about why my ex and I were arguing (i wouldnt tell her it was because i felt irrational jelousy, because i knew that would push her away) - she had very high expectations and most certainley wasnt afraid to voice that to me. She also, very early on, got extrememly upset at me when a guy gave me his number on a night out.. she wasn't there, i told her about it immediatley, but she felt like my taking his number and not telling him to get lost was extremely bad. - i really did throw the number out as I left the bar, and explained that I took it out of embarrassment, but she still had an issue, even when i apologiesd.

 

Anyway, although this woman is perfect for me in so many ways, the result of this jelousy I was feeling caused her to put some barriers up, which I understand. But she started to become irrational herself by accusing me of odd things, that weren't true.. like thinking i slept with a mutual friend right at the beginning of the relationship (this wasn't true), she also got mad at me for things like reading in bed at night, because the light stopped her sleeping, she would get so upset with at some points over the smallest things that she would storm out of the house and go back to hers, or ask me leave if i was at hers. This really upset me at first as I couldn't uderstand why she was feeling all of these irrational things. i started to wonder if she was controlling/jelous and slowly my tolerance for her behavious got weaker. We were happy most of the time, and very much attracted to one another emotionally and physically, but these silly quarrells started to make me roll my eyes. There were so so many outrageous accusations and behaviours on her part that I felt like i started to lose respect for her and just accept the way that she was. It was an extremely draining few months towards the end.

 

So, more recently we had been away for a fortnight together, we were hoping that this would make us connect again after a big argument the week before.. but the irrational behaviour on her part continued and i felt like I had lost hope. but after she had finished the relationship, yet again, halfway through the holiday I gave up trying as i felt exhausted. She then begged for me back and i accepted, with a little uncertainty in my mind, but never the less I stilll couldn't bare to let her go. But on our way home she called the relationship off again.. i couldnt believe it and thought it best that I just try and patch it up again, so i tried, over the next few days, but she kept saying no. I met her a few days after we split up for a coffee.. but she still didnt want to get back together, and then that night, whilst out with friends i did the unimaginable and got off with some random guy in the toilets!!!!! We didnt have sex, but fooed around a little before i stopped it realizing that i didnt want to be doing it. The next day i felt so guilty and asked my ev over, she came and we had sex. The following night she came to my house whilst waiting for me to finish work and found a condom wrapper in my back pocked. She was furious and demanded answers.. we rowed for about an hour and after trying to deny it i told her the truth. she then left and ever since is adamant that she will not take me back.. saying that it is ruined for her because she wanted an innocent, untainted relationship and that she knows that she cant get over things like that.

 

As soon as she discovered this I realised that I am letting go of the best thing to ever happen to me and im not sure what I can possibly to do make her change my mind. I know that ill never do this again and know that i just want a long happy loving relationship with her where we both look out for one another.

 

i realise that I am not ready to let her go,

 

what do i do to make her give me another chance??

 

any advice will be GREATLY sppreciated.

 

thanks x

[twixed]

Oh Opinionlover,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship with you ex gf has gone so sour.

 

It seems that in all honesty, it was over the first time she broke it off with you. Its just not fair for you to be with someone who will continuously break off and then reconcile the relationship over and over again. You deserve better and are worth much more than this. Its not good for your health, your well-being and ruins your chances of finding someone who is a better fit and respects you.

 

Its not ok for you to lose respect for her either and loving, happy relationships should not be draining. The drama of her asking you to leave and her storming out of the house is much too volatile and not a healthy way to communicate one's needs.

 

Sorry this isn't the reply you wanted. I don't recommend getting back together with this woman. There is too much bad blood between you two and it will never be the same as it was when you first got together. There are hundreds of women out there for you right now who are much more stable and are willing to sleep with the light on.

[Exitleft]

Cut your losses. Not only did you overstep boundaries, you fooled around with a man. I'm not sure which one of you is the lesbian but that is not something insignificant. You have a hard time with her temper and seem to blame her for most of the relationships problems and have been dishonest with her from early on. Give her space, only she can decide if it's worth another chance.

[JDPT]

Lost love is like broken glass, it's best to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it. And I think you have hurt yourself enough. Clearly, your ex has no clue what she wants at this point and you would agree that she is highly possessive, it's something that you or anyone would not tolerate. I must also include that "fooling around" with this guy was completely wrong of you. I understand that your subconscious was perhaps telling you how miserable you were in this relationship yet you chose to ignore it but going behind her back to satisfy your needs was not the answer, live and learn. Take this relationship as a learning experience. My ex was 9 years older than me, and to this day I try to figure out why I'm so attracted to older women, maybe is the maturity level, or perhaps they are more caring and understanding. However, no one is perfect and neither was my ex nor yours. Again, take this experience with a grain of salt and move forward. Focus on yourself and getting over your previously relationship as it appears that you have not fully come to terms with that one and then focus on this very last relationship. Wish you the best.