Newlywed fallout :(

[Jinxxy]

My husband and I are both in our mid to late 20's. He has been married previously at 18 and has 2 children. We were married on June 22, 2013..

 

Leading up to the wedding day it was a combination of the normal month till countdown and it was tense but we got through it. The wedding was beautiful and like any couple nothing ever goes quite as planned. Those two days after the wedding were a complete escape from reality, no stress, wedding over with and not a care in the world... Then it all came crashing down.

We had a lingering concerns with our photographer and had emailed her our concerns and complaints. I told him to be patient, to see how the photos turned out before saying anything further but he went against my wishes and emailed her saying that we would be requesting a partial refund or would consider small claims court. She immediately responded with her lawyers information and he emailed me at work informing me of what had occurred.. In the time it took for me to respond in panic (Since my mother and I had been the ones who paid the $1900.00 and we had an unplugged wedding (guests were told not to take pictures so that the flash would not interrupt the professional photographers work)) He responded saying that he had talked to the lawyer and she knew all about our complaints and what was going on. I was speechless and in total shock. They told us that they would withhold our photos unless we signed a release removing the photographer from any and all liability for photos taken on our wedding day without us even seeing them. We refused to sign any paperwork since we/I had paid the $1900 in advance of her services and were concerned that she would not provide quality work if she wasn't held accountable for what she was giving us for photos. So the entire month of July I went back and forth with the photographer's lawyer (since she refused to talk to us herself even though we swore up and down that we did not want to press charges). It got us no where and 2 months past we still have not see any of our wedding photos aside from some sneak peaks.

In july aside from the stress from the photographer, my husband not listening to me and acting against my wishes, his detailing business shut down. He said that the month following the wedding was the worst time of his life. I can't say that I disagree, the photo situation was the one of the worst imaginable things that could have happened following our wedding. The fact that our first big decision as a married couple was made by him and caused such devastating consequences is terrible. I have managed to get past it, I just want to move on and be happy and have tried to stress to him that I do not want to linger on that drama until the case it brought up in small claims court since that is the only way that we have a chance of possibly seeing our photos.

 

I am the only one "working" in our household. I have been at my job for over 6 years anc work full time. He on the other hand has had two jobs in the 3 years that we have been together. The jobs I am referring to is being employed by a business. One of the jobs only lasted about a month and the other was a couple months. The rest of the time he has been self employed doing auto detailing and photography which neither have been steady incomes. Now that he has lost his detailing shop and sold his camera to pay for child support and the rent for the detailing shop he was in I am still left with no help with rent, bills, etc.

 

He sold his car (that he did not drive because it needed repairs) saying that he sold it to help pay for the wedding. I had told him at the time that he did not need to sell it for that reason. I had the last of the services and fees taken care of but was left with barely any money after the fact. He refused and sold his car and now says that he did that for me and that I am never happy.

We live in a small town and there are not many good paying jobs or jobs in general around here and I have offered to have him carpool with me into the nearby town that I work but he does not want to carpool or work a normal job Mon-Fri because he does not want to give up seeing his kids for a few hours Tuesday afternoons. He said that they are his family and that it would be like him telling me that I can't see my parent's other then every other weekend. I was hurt because I felt like he was not considering our future and wanted us to be broke for his own benefit.

 

We are moving on September 1st, 2013 to a new apartment downstairs and the rent will be $100 more because it has a washer and dryer in unit. This idea what brought up during all the wedding stuff that was going on and I overlooked a few very significant things. I was happy that we would not need to climb 3 flights of stairs in the winter and we could have family over (since both of our parents are older). I had not considered the utilities increasing for the water and electric. Yes I do feel it is my fault for not considering the increase for expenses BUT it made me open my eyes to the partner that I need to help pay rent and living expenses. I will be paying $1000 a month for our apartment ($650 for rent and $350 for utilities) not including my car insurance and cell phone, medication for depression and ADD, gasoline to get to and from work since I have to commute and to take care of my dog... And the gas that he uses when he borrows my car to pick up or take home his kids.

 

I have tried to get him to try and get a job where I work so he could carpool with me but no matter what he sticks with his response that he does not want to give up his Tuesdays. Even if I asked him for a separation to figure out what he wants I don't even know who we would stay with. No one would want him to stay with them because he wouldn't be able to pay rent. I feel like I've been taken for granted, I have supported his dreams for auto detailing and photography, helped pay for gifts for his kids for Christmas, etc. But now it seems like he doesn't want to get a job and I need someone who will help me financially. I just can't do this on my own anymore. I feel like I can't enjoy the simple joys in life. Going to a movie, grabbing some dinner out. We don't have the money for it.

 

The other thing that opened my eyes is that I want to have my own kids someday. With our financially situation right now there is no way that we could ever consider children. We couldn't even save money for a house.

 

I just don't know what to do. I love him, I wanted to marry him and be his wife but I feel like he is not looking at us as moving forward and progressing in the future. Only that he can see his children. Not that I need help with our living expenses and that it is only fair.

[Jinxxy]

I do agree in regards to the photographer and the reluctant to get a job with that rationale. I am honestly to the point that something needs to change because I just can't do this on my own. I had hoped that things would change, he had expressed to me with the increase in rent that he knew he would have to help with income but seems like it's one excuse after another for why he cannot work.

 

Since he is self employed his child support is very minimal so he has been able to come up with the payments from his detailing business until as of late.

[SoleMate]

Very sorry about all this. I do wish we could turn back the clock to the day before you made the first non-refundable payment on the wedding and then have this conversation. He has positioned himself very well to "not be able" to work, what with unilaterally selling his car. (His crappy judgment in selling his car to pay for the wedding, and then making himself permanently "unable" to work, would have been a dealbreaker for me right there.) He can't afford child support without working, and he doesn't work, so he won't be supporting his existing children, let alone any that the two of you may happen to have (belt and suspenders right now on the BC if you don't my saying so). He also doesn't take care of his kids other than Tuesday afternoons. He leaves all the load of your joint life on you.

 

The photographer thing would enrage me. He didn't pay anything, and in fact has no legal relationship to this transaction, but he takes it on himself to unilaterally make it unlikely you'll ever see decent wedding photos without a hellacious struggle.

 

So I guess he's a chronic slacker. I hope he's INCREDIBLE in bed and just about every other way because otherwise, this marriage makes no sense.

[Balzac]

Why are you in the small town if you commute and are a renter?

I'm not understanding what a separation accomplishes. Unfortunately you were unable to accept his foundering ambition prior to the wedding and now for whatever reason it's chafing you.