Dazzee Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Hi guys. I've only been here a few days and there is a lot of helpful advice and such but... Why are so many people here so negative towards reconciliation? The only way people really suggest to deal with things is NC. dumped? NC. dumped someone else? NC. ect. NC can help you get back with your ex of course but surely it's not the only answer... Is it? Although people present it on here in such a way as to say"NC is for you, and not to get back with her/him". Is no contact really the only way people think is worth trying in every instance? (Ironically, I am NCing right now) Dont get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I just don't understand why things around here are presented with a lack of faith in reconciliation and in a "move on" sort of way.
Ireallydontknow Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Okay let's use my life as an example I'm 9 day BU 9 day NC. My ex is currenlty already in a relationship. Let's just say I sat around and was her buddy for this next year. I would never heal. Then let's say in a year she is like "I'm marrying this guy! Thanks for your support!" Oh crap! NC is for yourself, it allows you to heal. If they want to reconcile they know how to find you. Some say after a period of NC you wouldn't even want that. It's all about yourself because let's face it. If I did get back with my ex A LOT WOULD BE DIFFERENT. I wouldn't trust her, any time I'd see her online chatting, in the back of my mind I would be paranoid. I would be scared for it to happen all over again, because you know what? It probably will. NC is all about protectin' yer neck kid. Reconcile at your own discretion. 2
reddragon588 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 NC isn't a condemnation of reconciliation. It can lead to reconciliation in some cases. NC is simply a way to help you focus on yourself, better yourself, and work through whatever negative emotions you may have. 6
JDPT Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Okay let's use my life as an example I'm 9 day BU 9 day NC. My ex is currenlty already in a relationship. Let's just say I sat around and was her buddy for this next year. I would never heal. Then let's say in a year she is like "I'm marrying this guy! Thanks for your support!" Oh crap! NC is for yourself, it allows you to heal. If they want to reconcile they know how to find you. Some say after a period of NC you wouldn't even want that. It's all about yourself because let's face it. If I did get back with my ex A LOT WOULD BE DIFFERENT. I wouldn't trust her, any time I'd see her online chatting, in the back of my mind I would be paranoid. I would be scared for it to happen all over again, because you know what? It probably will. NC is all about protectin' yer neck kid. Reconcile at your own discretion. I absolutely agree, protect ya neck kid. 1
Author Dazzee Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 NC isn't a condemnation of reconciliation. It can lead to reconciliation in some cases. NC is simply a way to help you focus on yourself, better yourself, and work through whatever negative emotions you may have. Ok, ok, ok... Hold up. I understand what you guys are saying, but if I made a thread such as "I want her back" everyone would recommend NC, which is cool and all but.... Will is that the best path towards possible reconciliation? Or is it moving in the wrong direction? Such as, if you dont contact them, they too are moving on? I'm just confused. Am I heading in the wrong direction with NC? I want my ex back and I feel as though NC would potentially be counter productive in terms of getting her back?
templeofmax Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 As opposed to keep contacting her and her ignoring or give you false hope, hurting you over and over again? 2
aspiringuitarheroine Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Ok, ok, ok... Hold up. I understand what you guys are saying, but if I made a thread such as "I want her back" everyone would recommend NC, which is cool and all but.... Will is that the best path towards possible reconciliation? Or is it moving in the wrong direction? Such as, if you dont contact them, they too are moving on? I'm just confused. Am I heading in the wrong direction with NC? I want my ex back and I feel as though NC would potentially be counter productive in terms of getting her back? The best path to reconciliation is to focus on improving yourself and your lot in life. If you continually talk to an ex after a break up, you'll either push them away or you will end up only being friends. And 'only being friends' is not a bad thing, plenty of people are happy to be friends with an ex and good luck to them. But if you're in contact with an ex post-BU and you want to get back together, how can they miss you if you don't disappear for a while? It doesn't matter if they're moving on if you're out of contact with them because if you WERE in contact with them, they'd move on anyway, if they were so inclined. In contact or not in contact will not make a difference to that. But a break away from one another, to miss one another for a while, has a far greater chance of prompting reconciliation, than being friends with them. And THAT, is why we recommend NC. 5
iouaname Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I have broken no contact so many times and every single time I have felt worse. I just think that without no contact, there isn't the 'moving forward' needed. I think that if I had gone no contact from the start, my relationship with my ex wouldn't be so volatile now and I would be over him. Instead, I'm still suffering because I just couldn't stick to it...
Simon Phoenix Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Ok, ok, ok... Hold up. I understand what you guys are saying, but if I made a thread such as "I want her back" everyone would recommend NC, which is cool and all but.... Will is that the best path towards possible reconciliation? Or is it moving in the wrong direction? Such as, if you dont contact them, they too are moving on? I'm just confused. Am I heading in the wrong direction with NC? I want my ex back and I feel as though NC would potentially be counter productive in terms of getting her back? So you think it's better to bother her and not respect her wishes and not allow her to miss you while at the same time not stepping back to clear your head and get your emotions in check? That's really what you think the best way is? Good luck with that. Either you drive her off completely or you place yourself in the "friend zone", which is more torture than being in NC. 2
reddragon588 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Ok, ok, ok... Hold up. I understand what you guys are saying, but if I made a thread such as "I want her back" everyone would recommend NC, which is cool and all but.... Will is that the best path towards possible reconciliation? Or is it moving in the wrong direction? Such as, if you dont contact them, they too are moving on? I'm just confused. Am I heading in the wrong direction with NC? I want my ex back and I feel as though NC would potentially be counter productive in terms of getting her back? Yes, NC can possibly lead to reconciliation. If you continue to be a part of her life, she'll never know the pain of what it's like to truly miss and lose you. If you exit her life, she'll have to face that. She can either say, yes, this is what I want, to move on without him; or she can say, this isn't what I want, I want to be with him and I need to get him back. But as long as you are in her life, she can continue along her merry way like she is now. Either way, you win. If she wants to come back, then you get what you want, and it will likely be a better relationship because you know she is willing to commit. If she doesn't come back, you still win, because you get what you need: finality. You know she's not the right person, and you can truly move on. And guess what- since you've gone NC, you have already started doing that anyway! Edited August 20, 2013 by reddragon588 4
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Because life is not a Hollywood movie where everything works out in the end. People are on here because their RS has crumbled and they have been dumped (not too many dumpers, here). And NC is the only way to recover as everyone else has stated above.... I wish reconciliation worked, but most of the time, it just doesn't. No happy ending here. 2
Knoxpwns Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I just don't understand why things around here are presented with a lack of faith in reconciliation and in a "move on" sort of way. Because if you are in the midst of a breakup and you are on a forum asking completely anonymous people for relationship advice, it's probably likely you might as well gear up for the end, because you and everyone else you know is already out of ideas. Why do I defend NC? Because I have been NC since my BU and I am 100% positive I would have gone bat**** crazy right now had I not. Every time I even log into facebook my heart starts racing like mad, and I just made a new Facebook after my BU that has 2 of my friends and 0 updates, and the chances of me running into her on it are pretty much 0. Even still, the amount of adrenaline that rushes through me just by logging into a social media website is all the proof I need that my temperment would be a whole different story if not for NC. If your kid lost his favorite toy in the world, would you put it inside a locked glass case just out of his reach, and let him watch someone else play with it all day? Do you have any idea how ****ed up that would be to do to a kid? And that's why you wouldn't do it to yourself as an adult. Its asinine. NC = the best option in failing relationships, hands down. Not to spite anyone, but because NC is the only way you can forget and move on. At least for the vast majority of people. 2
NoLeafClover Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I absolutely agree, protect ya neck kid. and avoid this song during your NC period
Author Dazzee Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Thanks guys. I'm just finding no contact hard because I feel as though im losing her more and more, nit to mention its torturing me, because,I get a lot of comfort in just talking to her and being around her.
Calcmag Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Reconciliation so rarely works out though. I'm getting ready to start yet another thread about a failed reconciliation. NC is very hard! But most of us have found that it's actually easier overall than having LC. Of course you find comfort talking to her. Part of the healing process is letting that go and finding alternates. Nobody here will tell you that NC is easy. But having only small pieces of someone you still love and want to be with, who doesn't feel the same any longer, is harder, believe me. 2
kayjay85 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I really think no contact is a good way to go. I wish i knew when i first split up with my ex. I would message him so angrily and say things without thinking. I would message nice things then horrible things. If i had the no contact even for a week i could get my thoughts together and maybe have had a good talk. But a lot of things got said that just made us so angry at each other. I think no contact lets us cool down and then talk. I think depending on the split depends on the no contact. I do believe it i better to talk things through but again if your ex as moved on and you are constantly hounding them how does it help either of you. No contact is giving me time to look at everything from a different angle. I was looking at everything from a very angry point of view. Its only been a few days but looking at it now seems a lot different. But as i said to me personally depends on the way you split i would much rather talk things through when i am much more calm and collected not hurt and angry x 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I'm just finding no contact hard because I feel as though im losing her more and more, nit to mention its torturing me Understand this. You have ALREADY lost her!!! She is seeing somebody else. A little kid. Why do you even think beyond this fact. She is treating you like a complete douche and you are asking for more. C'mon dude, have some self respect, because she sure does NOT respect you. 3
Babolat Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Because life is not a Hollywood movie where everything works out in the end. People are on here because their RS has crumbled and they have been dumped (not too many dumpers, here). And NC is the only way to recover as everyone else has stated above.... I wish reconciliation worked, but most of the time, it just doesn't. No happy ending here. I am a dumper, 5 months ago. We went NC for 3-4 weeks then she reached out to me stating she missed our friendship, that I am her best friend and she needs me in her life. We had some compromise talks that did not go anywhere. We have seen each other 5-6 times over the past 5 months. I let her come to me if you will. I do not reach out to her. She will text me to say "what are you doing", which is her code for "I want to see you". She has realized she needs to be alone now, not date, as she works on herself, as she grows. She realizes she was going thru a lot of life transitions while we were dating, which I told her while we were dating. She tells me about changes she is making in her life for her, and I see some of them, and she does seem more grounded/stable then when we dated. I am no where close to wanting to date her again though. Though she realizes all of this, she tells me she misses me, still wants to spend time with me and is afraid to lose me. When we see each other it's great, like magic, and the emotions flood over both of us. Usually after we see each other her texting me slows down for a bit, then will pick back up. When she texts me I give brief replies, acknowledgement ones really. When she says she misses me or is thinking about me I do not respond with the same. So, I was the dumpee, we tried full NC, it did not work. I do like her in my life right now though sometimes I wonder if emotionally it's going to prevent me from getting into another LTR. Sometimes I think full NC would be best. Right now, it does not matter as I am doing my thing, working on me, hanging out with my buds, including 2-3 new female friends; maybe sometime soon it will if I meet someone, or maybe she will meet someone. We both feel a very strong pull to each other, not sure if that is a lifetime LTR pull though. So, IF you do want her back, back off, leave her alone, give her her space. It's really that simple. Work on you. Edited August 20, 2013 by Babolat
Simon Phoenix Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Thanks guys. I'm just finding no contact hard because I feel as though im losing her more and more, nit to mention its torturing me, because,I get a lot of comfort in just talking to her and being around her. You already lost her. And talking to her when you want to get back and she doesn't is much more tortuous, especially in the long term. It's better to completely fade out, get all of that torture out of your system in one big swoop and go from there. Contact with an ex right after a break is like a drug. You crave your fix and temporarily feel good after it happens. But with any other fix, the highs become shorter, you demand more and the pain becomes more because your ex isn't giving you the contact you crave. Therefore you drive yourself insane. Better to go cold turkey. Edited August 20, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 2
templeofmax Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) I, like many here, went 3 weeks of NC, then sent a text every week for 3 weeks and when returning home (I was overseas) she had left a couple of things she had of me in my building. I tried to hold off, but gave in and did some text terrorism, left her notes in her car, looked like a ****ing idiot, lost my dignity and she IGNORED everything. While I was depressed and lost 20 lbs she was posting pics looking all happy and relieved. After a 2.5 year relationship with me being there for her constant insecurity, this is the way she chose to end things. So I went NC. IT HAS HELPED ME HEAL AS I AM NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE, ALTHOUGH OF COURSE I DO MISS HER, AND I CAN BET MY LIFE SHE MISSES ME TOO. Its been 2 months and when I think about contacting her, I think, wait, she is the insecure one and she had me wrapped around her finger and I was her puppy dog. Sometimes I think of posting pics with a girl (she does not have me on FB but some members of her family do) but then I would stoop to being immature myself. Yes, I am hoping she realizes her loss, or maybe she doesn't, and that gets me anxious cause I still have feelings for her, but then I think about her way of treating me post BU and THAT stops me from contacting her. I take it week by week and maybe the urges will keep fading, MAYBE while she realizes that I am in fact GONE. And if she doesn't or doesn't care, why would I want to be with someone that at the flip of a switch has such a low opinion of me because of her insecurities? ITS HER LOSS!!!! SO THINK ABOUT HOW THIS GIRL IS TREATING YOU LIKE HER PUPPY DOG. Are you a man or a French Poodle? Edited August 20, 2013 by templeofmax
Author Dazzee Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Understand this. You have ALREADY lost her!!! She is seeing somebody else. A little kid. Why do you even think beyond this fact. She is treating you like a complete douche and you are asking for more. C'mon dude, have some self respect, because she sure does NOT respect you. What the hell are you even taking about. None of what you said is factual. Yes, I have 'lost' her, but other than that, what you said is incorrect.
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