My story and is this typical stop and start behavior

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Hello

 

I've been reading this board for quite some time. And before I go into it, I am divorced for many years. I used to post on this board before I got divorced hence the name Mrs....

 

 

Here is the back story.

 

A friend of mine from my childhood and I got back in touch last spring. When we were kids we were so close, like he was a member of my family. He was close with my mom and other family members, he was at my house all the time. Never anything romantic between us, just friends. Haven't seen him in 20+ years.

 

In talking about what we have been up to since we were last in touch (5 years at that point??), he told me that his marriage was a disaster and they were about to file for divorce. He hadn't been married that long (3 years?) and this is his second wife. No kids together.

 

From what he tells me in those 3 years since they had been married they had separated about 6 times, initiated by her each time. She would kick him out or she would leave herself. One time she left him and was seeing someone else (he didn't know that at the time she just recently admitted it) and she found herself an apartment. After about 7 months, she couldn't afford the apartment on her own and ended up coming back to their house early this year but he said his marriage was never the same since she had moved out that last time.

 

We kept in touch as friends for a bit, emailing and such. It seemed things were getting difficult for him at home and I invited him here (1000+ miles away) if he ever needed to get away. No flirting or talk of being together or anything. Just friends. He called me one day and said he would like to take me up on that offer to get away. He came out here and was here for about a month.

 

We started a physical relationship during that time. Eventually he left to go back to tie up loose ends and 'clean up his mess' and finish the divorce. His plan was to come back here to live and we would pursue a relationship.

 

It wasn't like we had plans to be together forever or anything like that, it was just that he thought he could use the change in scenery, this was his home growing up and he still had friends here, etc. His plan was to move out here, get a job and start over and we would be in a relationship and see where it goes.

 

He goes home and for about the first month we're in constant contact. As time goes on I can feel him getting more distant. Eventually we had a very long back and forth e-mail exchange about what was going on. He didn't say he was back with his wife although I was starting to suspect it, he just basically said that this was more difficult than he thought it was going to be, he might need to put the house on the market now, she had a nervous breakdown and was begging him to stay and reconcile, etc.

 

We decided to go our separate ways at that point. He knew he had nothing to offer me, his life was too much in turmoil. He kept telling me how much he loved me and he missed me but he just couldn't get his act together to make the move. We were both crying.

 

I don't want to downplay it or make it seem like I didn't care, I was a wreck for a couple of weeks. Couldn't stop crying, etc.

 

I was so mad at myself for getting involved with a man who wasn't available. I know better. I feel like I took a risk and I lost, big time. But I also knew I would be o.k. It was only a month or so of my life and I could move on.

 

Weeks go by, I start talking to a new guy and I suspect it's only a matter of time before he asks me out. I really do feel like I'm 'over' the situation with the married guy. We e-mail occasionally just checking in type of stuff.

 

Last week he calls me and tells me that he and his wife had a talk, they have sorted out the finances, etc. and he's ready to move on.

 

Well with further digging he tells me that she started that conversation by saying that he wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore (she knows about us being physical and still being in touch). He said he didn't say anything in return so then she went on to tell him that he is free to leave. She could tell he wasn't happy, she would be o.k if he left, he should go.

 

He asks me if I'm dating anyone and if I still want him here. I hesitate at first because I just don't know what to say.

 

I eventually tell him that I am not dating anyone, I still love him and miss him and I would welcome him back here but I think he needs to be officially divorced before he comes. He agrees.

 

He says they are going to talk again that night and he thinks he could have the paperwork all settled in a month or two. He tells me over and over again how much he loves me and misses me and how he's so unhappy there. I asked him to please keep me up to date on how everything is going.

 

Well, that's the last time I've heard from him about 4 days ago.

 

I'm really not sure what to think. I don't want to reach out to him I want him to make the next move. I don't want to pester or push but I also feel like he should be letting me know what's going on and how their conversation went that night.

 

In thinking back, I know for sure if she started any conversation with 'you're not allowed to talk to her anymore...' that means she probably wants her marriage to work, wouldn't you agree?

 

So even though, according to him, she then went on to tell him if he left she would be o.k, maybe now that she realizes he is going to leave she's begging him to stay??

 

Is this typical? All of these false starts and stops? Do you think maybe he called me last week to see if I was dating and would still welcome him here was just his way of finding out if I'm still available although he still wasn't ready to make a move?

 

Ugh. Thanks for your thoughts!! I know, I'm an idiot and I never should have gotten involved with him. I did draw a line in the sand and say he needs to be divorced before we start anything again and I know he understands. I'm just not sure what this silence means!!

[whatatangledweb]

If she told him that he wasn't to talk to you again, then yes, I would say she was talking about staying together. Funny how she would go from that to he can leave if he wants. There is no way to know what he is thinking without him telling you. He could really want to leave and be with you or he could just want to continue the affair. He may not have called because she is watching what he does. I wouldn't let him come until he divorces.

[whichwayisup]

He's playing you.

 

Please do yourself a big favour and let go. You don't know this man anymore...You used to, 20 years ago...But now he is playing you selfishly. I doubt very much half of what he's told you is true about his wife and what she's said.

 

What's the point in investing in someone so far away and chances are much higher that he has NO intention of divorcing his wife, let alone coming to be with you. He IS however, okay with keeping you on the side, online and having some fun.

 

Focus on this new guy and getting to know him...End it with the past ex. He isn't worth it.

[Goodbye]

Yikes. Your situation is quite like mine. I'm divorced, became involved with long time person of my past. He claimed his marriage was all but done at her request and we became very involved. Then the story changes, and it is back and forth about leaving, can't leave, leaving, can't leave.

 

Finally, I went NC in the Spring. He broke it a few times, told me more about leaving his wife. I do love him, just not okay being the OW. I told him he could contact me in Fall of 2014 if he was divorced and still interested. We shall see.

 

You need to mentally distance yourself from the situation. I don't know how it will turn out, but being sucked into the "should I stay or go" action does nothing but wear you down. You surivived a divorce...you can survive waiting out his if he actually seeks one.

 

Hang in there.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Well I definitely will not be continuing with any sort of affair.

 

At this point I will cut contact completely to make sure he's not playing me. If he shows up with divorce papers then we'll see where we go from there.

 

I'm still talking to the new guy and if this MM comes back, unmarried then I'll see where I'm at.

 

The behavior is just baffling to me.

 

Having been through a divorce, I understand how these things go. The emotions, the time it takes, etc. So I get it. But I won't be dragged into it.

 

I allowed myself to get dragged into it in the first place when I knew better. So I will distance myself again.

 

It took me a few weeks to get over the heartache and being upset (at both of us) so I'm not going to fall back in because it was hard work getting 'here' emotionally so I will stay in my happy place.

 

He lives far away so no chance of seeing each other or anything like that. I will not reach out to him I will wait to see what he does. But I'm thinking days of no contact is a sign that he has recommitted to his marriage. Who knows, they could have been at the attorney's office today finalizing paperwork.

 

Goodbye it's good to read your story, it shows me that this can really go on for a while if I let it.

 

Thanks to all of you!!!

[Goodbye]

Yes, it can go on and on if you stay with him without him committing one way or the other. It can become easy to hang out in a "done" marriage if you are getting love and PA on the side. You know? I didn't need to be an enabler to something I didn't want. We shall see what happens. You are right...during NC they can use it as time to fix the marriage, or they can use it as time to make the decision to leave.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

I guess it's just so frustrating because as soon as I move on, he pulls me back in so to speak.

 

It's good to read these boards and see others going through it, it will strengthen my resolve to make sure I'm not emotionally in the same place months or years down the line.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Goodbye - well if there is a 'good' part to my story it's that he lives so far away that continuing any sort of physical affair is impossible. That will help both of us I think.

 

He just needs to make a decision and stick with it and leave me out of it until he's ready to move on.

 

I'm still perplexed about why he would call me last week and go through all of that trouble and this big long conversation (3 hours!!) to then back peddle again. Ah well. Live and learn.

 

Thanks again