pegasusboy Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We had worked together and we got really close - She was married at the time we met - she was very social with people at work and we would go out for drinks an/or dinner with co-workers. We always seemed to gravitate towards each other during these outings for some reason. Mainly because we trusted each other and felt compelled to open up to each other. I don't think we ever viewed each other as potential romantic partners - There never was any strong attraction on either side we just seemed to share the same sensiblities, had similar temperments and senses of humour and just generally enjoyed spending time together. Fast forward to a year and a half ago - She had people over while her husband was out of town (see where this is going?) We wound up in bed together...spent the whole weekend together. Had a great time and got even closer obviously. Things cooled off due to her husband returning as well as guilty feelings - mostly on my part - for seeing a married woman. She had told me she had been thinking about asking for a divorce even before I came on the scene. I leave on vacation thinking it's more or less over - she'll go back to her life and i'll go back to mine upon my return. I come back and she has seperated from her husband! We start seeing each other again and at this point, so many things are going thru my head - where to begin - number one I feel that i have caused this breakup (even with her saying that i didn't cause it) and feel terribly guilty about that...number two - i feel odd about seeing someone I work with... To be honest, I really didn't know what I wanted - we just continued to spend time together...I thought of breaking it off but decided against that due to a number of factors - I still worked with her and she just broke it off with her husband for me - how could I do that to her? Bear in mind that I had told her NOT to divorce her husband for me - that I didn't want that on me and that I wasn't even sure where I stood with her and what I wanted. Several months later, we're still together. She has a new job and is encouraging me to leave as well, (due to my hatred of this job) saying she'll help support me until I get another job. I leave my job and end up moving in with her - feeling ambivalent about it but deciding to give it a shot. I've got a job and we're still living together. She recently asked me how I feel about getting married - and I kinduv pussyfoot around the issue - expressing my fears about that level of commitment - but ultimately saying that I guess that would be the next logical step, etc..and then I tell her that I guess I would be ready to get married in the next year or year and a half. Bottom line: I do love her deeply and am very emotionally attached to her. We have created a very comfortable life together and enjoy each others company immensely altho ultimately I feel like I am dating my best friend. I really have never had an intense passion for her and oftentimes feel like when we are having sex that we are just going through the motions. We have talked about this and I have expressed my concern to her - (let me clarify I have NOT expressed that I don't feel passionate about her but that I feel she's not really there sometimes when we have sex) I fantasize about other women constantly and have had dreams about breaking up with her. I feel that if I did break up with her I would break her heart and I would miss her dearly. At times I feel that maybe I should just accept the fact that our sex life is not all I want it to be because we have such a strong soul connection and enjoy each other on so many other levels. But I feel if we got married that I would start to look for other avenues in which to explore my sexual urges. I am very conflicted and confused and not sure how to proceed - has anyone ever been in a similar situation? does anyone have any advice?
bluechocolate Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 You are sleep-walking your way into a marriage that will end in divorce. To be honest, I really didn't know what I wanted - we just continued to spend time together... I leave my job and end up moving in with her - feeling ambivalent about it but deciding to give it a shot. She recently asked me how I feel about getting married - but ultimately saying that I guess that would be the next logical step, etc.. I fantasize about other women constantly and have had dreams about breaking up with her. But I feel if we got married that I would start to look for other avenues in which to explore my sexual urges. I get the distinct impression that you're staying in this relationship because staying is easier than ending it & because you feel somehow obligated. Your obligation will turn into resentment & then into hatred. Be honest with yourself & with her. If you can't see yourself marrying this woman then call it quits.
Orchid Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 It's unfair to her to continue living this lie... if you love her as deeply as you say you do, set her free to find someone that truly does feel passionate about her. She deserves that right?. Yes, of course breaking up will hurt her... but a) you're ultimately not responsible for her feelings and b) at some point in the future she's going to find out your real feelings when the subject of marriage comes to a head... and she'll be hurt even more knowing you led her on all this time. It's really simple... the consequences of not speaking your truth will always be worse than your fear of doing so. Let her go, for both your sakes.
sami Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 No matter what you may say you should realize and admit that you were a major factor in her divorce. Affairs are the number one cause of killing and terminating marriages eventhough the married couples may nevertheless decide not to divorce for some other considerable reasons such as children, finances, social status or whatever.
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