Anna Grant Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 It's just over a year since D-Day for me but I am having trouble forgetting. We weren't married but engaged when it happened. Our getting together was messy and we both came to our relationship with a lot of baggage. We have also been separated by the Atlantic for a significant amount of our relationship. The A happened whilst I was back in the UK for 6 weeks - the A only lasted 3 weeks and they only met 3 times and had sex twice (I know this for definite as I found all their e-mails). As soon as I returned to the US, he realized his stupidity and finished the relationship immediately. He soon forgot about the OW but he stupidly didn't think to do anything with his computer to cover his tracks! Some time later, I found something that raised my suspicions so I started checking his computer. This was about 6 weeks after the A had finished. He didn't even delete his internet history, so I easily found an e-card he sent her. Which led to her e-mail address. And I broke into his e-mail account and found their e-mails. Unfortunately, this means I know exactly what went on between them and how he lied to me and lied to her about me. I confronted him and we had an unholy row. I packed my bags and he got down on his knees and begged and cried for me not to leave him. We talked and talked and talked and I stayed. We became so much closer. He spent so much time during the next few weeks apologizing for doing it. The fact that I might actually leave him scared the hell out of him. As the months have gone on, our relationship has gone from strength to strength. However, for him, his A is in the dim and distant past. He never loved her (there was no mention of the L word in their e-mails - he seemed to mean more to her than she meant to him) and she meant very little to him. Doesn't excuse why he risked our relationship but at least it wasn't a big emotional affair lasting months. We got married last month and it was a wonderful occasion. We both wrote our own vows (yes, they did both include 'faithful' ). We were both so happy to finally get married. The minister said one thing that really caught me. He said 'To forgive and, more importantly, to forget'. This is where my problem still is. I can't forget. It does seem to be getting better but, because I have a stupidly good memory, I can remember so much of those e-mails I read. And I can't forget what I read. Sometimes it jumps into my mind when I least want it to. I have read everything there is on the internet on how to stop obsessing about your OH's affair - like 'try and replace that thought with a happy thought'. But it is so difficult. I also read that 'a man forgets and never forgives' and 'a woman forgives but never forgets'. And although that is a vast generalization, I can't help thinking there's some grain of truth to that. How have other people managed to forget? Or,at least, ensure it stays in the back of their mind most of the time? Any help would really be of assistance. I have looked at other forums and get fed up with people saying 'once a cheater - always a cheater' and 'show him the door'. Life is not that straightforward. People on this forum seem to offer more considered opinions, so I would really like some input. Thanks.
ChooseTruth Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Maybe I'm not the best person to respond since we failed to reconcile...but something tells me you should never forget. I've heard a lot of people on here says it's impossible anyway. 2
Author Anna Grant Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Maybe I'm not the best person to respond since we failed to reconcile...but something tells me you should never forget. I've heard a lot of people on here says it's impossible anyway. I understand that I will probably never actually forget but is there any way that I can make it stay further away from the front of my mind?
dichotomy Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I don't agree with your minster. Applogies to anyone reading this - but since you mentioned a minster, my response will have a bit of this view in it. I read a very moving book on forgiveness (by pastor Robert Jeffress). Here are some points from it Forgiveness isn't excusing the wrong that was done Forgiveness doesn't mean that justice should not be served. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Your unwillingness to forgive isn't hurting the other person for hurting you Forgiveness doesn't mean you're setting yourself up to be hurt again Forgiveness keeps us right with God Forgiveness is more about us than it is them. Forgiveness is a process, a journey – it starts by understanding the benefits of forgiveness.The person who suffers the most by not forgiving is the one withholding forgiveness. The opposite is true as well: the one who benefits the most is the one who forgives. 5
janedoe67 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Forgetting is impossible. I don't know who first connected forgiving and forgetting to make is the phrase we hear today - but absent removal of part of our brain, we don't forget painful things. I think the two things that can help most are time and a real, consistent, transparent effort on the part of the FWS. It takes time for a BS to feel safe again. If, after a couple of years of REAL heartfelt and consistent change on the part of the WS a BS is still focused on the A, then it may be that some purposeful practice of putting the thoughts out of one's mind and replacing them can be helpful. But I would say at just one year out, it is normal for thoughts of the A and reminders of the pain to be pretty frequent. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Ask him to keep on telling you that he loves you and that you need a bit more reassurance from him for a while. Do your best to remember that he married you and the past has to stay in the past. What counts is the NOW and your future. As long as he treats you well, respects, adores and loves you, do your best to focus on that and don't allow yourself to remember those emails and his mistakes. If you can't make peace with the past, think about seeking counseling to help you get those images and words out of your head.
Author Anna Grant Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Ask him to keep on telling you that he loves you and that you need a bit more reassurance from him for a while. Do your best to remember that he married you and the past has to stay in the past. What counts is the NOW and your future. As long as he treats you well, respects, adores and loves you, do your best to focus on that and don't allow yourself to remember those emails and his mistakes. You are right. He treats me so well and is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. He is so affectionate and caring. When I am thinking positively, I know the A was a blip in our life when things were really difficult for us. Extremely difficult for him. Not an excuse for him, I know, and he has said that he has no excuses for what he did and he knows it was wrong to do what he did. When I am feeling low, I obsess about what the did together - both in and our of bed. In some ways I regret digging further and finding the e-mails. However, if I hadn't, he would have thought that he had got away with it. And our relationship would probably not be what it is today. I think the shock to him that he might lose me made him realize quite how much he loved me. I think the fact that I considered staying with him when I always thought I never would with someone who cheated on me made me realize quite how much I loved him. When I have a good day, then I realize that I am lucky to have a very good man. He is flawed, as we all are as we are human. He made a mistake. He bitterly regrets what he did and the hurt he caused me. We are so well suited and enjoy each other's company so much. This is what I have to remember. Because, although I hate what he did, I would hate it even more if we were to part. Although he does know that if he ever does it again, I'm gone! 1
NotCamelot Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I also read that 'a man forgets and never forgives' and 'a woman forgives but never forgets'. And although that is a vast generalization, I can't help thinking there's some grain of truth to that. I can promise you, that is not true, at least in my case. It has been a little over 15 months since D-day. And even though we are happy and things are going extremely well, I can't forget what she did. And I think about it at least some part of every single day. It does not hurt like it did though.....and it tormented me badly for at least a year. Now, it has gotten better. Just little things she does and things she says, plus hearing ILY about 25 times a day......she is definitley doing a LOT of work to prove her love and desire to keep me. And, on the night of D-day, she told me then: "I don't see how you could want me anymore." And while crying she said: "You didn't deserve this." As you can see, I can't forget either. I forgave her almost immediately because I knew the why.......and I know that she is just as human as anyone. BUT I did let her know very plainly, that the forgiveness was a one time thing. Never again will I go through this. NOW....... what has worked best for me is creating NEW memories of things we do together.....places, events, lots of stuff. I hope that in the next 1 - 2 years I will have so many new memories with her that the bad will would take effort to recall. I HOPE. 1
Owl Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I understand that I will probably never actually forget but is there any way that I can make it stay further away from the front of my mind? Time, and the constant building up of your positive relationship with each other can get this to a point where it's not on your mind often, where it's not a daily issue, and where it finally doesn't hurt as badly when it does come to mind. You won't ever forget it...but eventually it can get to a point where you know it's not relevant to where your relationship is at today. 7
Zenstudent Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Two and a half year out, it's still there. I haven't forgotten one single peace of the sandwich I was handed. The pain is less, and I'm able to have a thought, process it and let it go - but it still takes effort and energy. I forgave her a few months ago, but I don't count on ever forgetting it, and I certainly don't hope that she'll ever forget the impact of her thoughtless and careless choices (which sadly won't be the case, I'm afraid). I believe that you'll never forget, but that you'll reach a point where you can think about it and then let it go, and have peace in your mind. I also believe that positive memories will compensate for the bad ones, but entirely replace them? I'm not so sure. 3
Author Anna Grant Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Two and a half year out, it's still there. I haven't forgotten one single peace of the sandwich I was handed. The pain is less, and I'm able to have a thought, process it and let it go - but it still takes effort and energy. I forgave her a few months ago, but I don't count on ever forgetting it, and I certainly don't hope that she'll ever forget the impact of her thoughtless and careless choices (which sadly won't be the case, I'm afraid). I believe that you'll never forget, but that you'll reach a point where you can think about it and then let it go, and have peace in your mind. I also believe that positive memories will compensate for the bad ones, but entirely replace them? I'm not so sure. It has actually helped to write out how I felt. And to receive so many responses. Thank you everyone for responding. We have many positive memories since D-Day. They certainly help. And I know he is truly sorry for what he did. I still have problems such as driving through the town where I know they spent the day. Going anywhere near her home town. But I know that the only person I am hurting now is me. By obsessing on the details. He isn't hurting when I obsess unless I get visibly upset and he asks me what is wrong. I need to focus on the good things in our relationship.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Simple, you don't forget. That minister was just repeating platitudes. Either you get to a point of acceptance or you don't. If you do (can) reach the point of acceptance, then it gets better. I can't forget, but having Accepted that the events happened it does not hold the same power over me. My emotions are not as raw and powerful as they were earlier in the healing process. Today my emotional reaction to remembering is: "Yes, it happened. Yes, it sucks. Live in present, not the past." Then I go about my business. You'll never forget. There are too many reminders and triggers in life. There is only healing, growth, and a new normal. It takes time, and it's a process. A long process.
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