Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[crazyencounter]

Ok so I'm just going to throw this out there. Feel free to respond, comment, share. Do you think once a cheater, always a cheater? I have recently cheated on my H with a MM. The MM told me he has cheated once before when "he thought the M was over." I have been M for 3yrs together for 9. This is the first and only time I have cheated. I also wonder what you think about coming back from cheating in a M. I feel guilty, but I also don't know if I should just live with it and move on, or if I should tell my H. I think that by telling him I am just trying to rid myself of the guilt and destroying him in the process (not sure if that's fair). I know it wasn't fair to cheat on him either. So I am looking for others opinions, also from BS's.

[twosadthings]

Unless you've stopped cheating you'll always be a cheater. Have you stopped cheating?

 

Twosadthings

[crazyencounter]

Unless you've stopped cheating you'll always be a cheater. Have you stopped cheating?

 

Twosadthings

 

Agree. And yes I have.

[Leegh]

I would not tell your husband, as it would open "a can of worms", so to speak. I have never been married, but if I were in your shoes, I probably would not say anything. In addition, I'm sure, as you said, it would hurt your husband very much if you told him. Sometimes, of course, if a person wanted out of a marriage, it would be necessary to tell a spouse, but in your case, I would just let it be.

[KathyM]

I think you absolutely should tell your husband. He has a right to know. And unless you deal with this elephant in the room, it will continue to weigh on you. Trying to keep this huge of a secret from the man you supposedly love is not only unfair to him, but doesn't make for an authentic relationship.

 

As far as "once a cheater, always a cheater," there is some truth to that, but not always a given. There are many cheaters who can learn from past mistakes and when they realize the destruction that cheating causes, they realize what a huge mistake it was and are determined never to repeat it. Then there are those who got into an affair because of poor boundaries, poor character, sense of entitlement, poor coping skills, etc., that don't change and only mark their time until they feel the urge or are compelled to endulge again. Plenty of those types as well.

[Sarabi]

Also, if that was true, there would never be reconciliations in marriages touched by affairs, would there? I just really dislike this kind of "bad person" vs "good person" thing. One thing you do in your life does not define you forever. Hardly anyone is all good or all bad, we all just "sin" differently. Judgment is silly considering we all sin in some way. Claiming that there is a hierarchy is nice comfort for those convinced that their sins are at the lowest level, but aside from murder, there really isn't a "degree" per se.

 

So well said!!!

For the record I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater either. People change. They want to change. They don't want to make the same mistakes again...they want to do right by themselves and their betrayed partner...so if they are willing to, they definitely can change.

[JourneyLady]

I don't believe it. It's more likely, but not always true.

 

I used to have terrible boundaries and didn't take responsibility for my own happiness. Once I learned it was a boundaries problem and to make myself happy with being me: boom. No more need for attention from other guys than a partner.

 

Heck, I'm alone at the moment and refuse possible encounters with people I don't see a future with, even though there's no relationship stopping me. It's not worth the loss of self-esteem.

[Daisy2013]

Maybe if it is a character flaw he will again. My ex-AP is on his third and final marriage. His second divorce, with the mother of his children, was so bad, he won't divorce again, no matter how miserable he claims to be. Truly, I doubt he's that unhappy, but so be it.

 

He cheated on all his wives. I didn't ask him if I was his 1st with this wife. He was feeding me so much garbage, I truly thought I was the love he had finally found.

 

Will he cheat again? Is he a serial cheater? I don't know. Perhaps his guilt this time around will end his cheating. Although he hasn't confessed to his W. He is trying to get right with God as well, so in His power, perhaps he can stop.

[janedoe67]

I believe you should tell your husband the truth, and if you had posted this on the infidelity forum, I think most people would agree. You are not likely to get much advice to come clean from people who are still in affairs.

 

I think the only relationship that is solid is one built on the truth rather than lies - even lies of omission. But that is just me. Plus, there is always that angle of "hmmm...well, I got away with it last time, and I'm unhappy again, so....."

 

If your accountant embezzled several thousand dollars of YOUR money, would you be okay with not knowing just because he decided not to do it anymore?

[bentleychic]

I do not believe once a cheater, always a cheater. I used to, but several situations in my life changed my mind. (Long BEFORE I started in to an A, ftr.)

[crazyencounter]

I actually did post in both. I'm interested in everyone's opinion on the subject. And thanks for giving it to me. I am hesitant to tell the H, but then think maybe that would help our M (maybe that's too optimistic on my part). We always had the agreement if one of us cheated the other was out. It really is a scary perspective

[janedoe67]

I DO think it is good for you to think it through and not just rune blurt it out as fast as you can because a bunch of strangers told you to. A doctor (one with any kind of bedside manner anyway) is careful when giving bad news. The police don't just barrel in to inform someone a loved one has died.

 

When I confessed to my husband several years ago, I worked it through myself first. One thing I knew I DIDN'T want to do was make my confession into "Here's the bad thing I did in response to what a crappy husband you were." I didn't want a hint of excuse making or blame-shifting. If you DO decide to tell him, own YOUR choice. There will be time to talk about issues in the marriage later.

 

I would also think about what the real pre-A marital issues were, and evaluate honestly. In my case, though nothing EVER justified my choice....the marriage was very bad. And it had been for years, even after some pretty strenuous effort on my part to be a really good wife - not that I was perfect by any stretch. I wish I had asked myself a few things like:

 

Taking the A out of the picture completely, can I live in the same marriage I have had for the past 6 or 7 years? It probably would not have changed my choice to confess, but it might have changed the way I dealt with things afterward.

 

I assumed that my husband would probably stay because he was working part time and I carried out insurance - i.e. he needed me. But that he would never forgive me, and that basically I would need to steel myself for being kind of a quietly endured pariah for however long. I was wrong. He DID work through the process of forgiving me.

 

Also, understand that if you had serious marital issues before your A then there are two things to address. First comes the acute immediate injury - the affair. THEN, if you recover from the A, you will HAVE to work on your marital issues as well. A bad marriage that recovers from an affair but stays bad....is just a precursor to a divorce or more affairs.

[aliveagain]

I actually did post in both. I'm interested in everyone's opinion on the subject. And thanks for giving it to me. I am hesitant to tell the H, but then think maybe that would help our M (maybe that's too optimistic on my part). We always had the agreement if one of us cheated the other was out. It really is a scary perspective

 

 

Yet you didn't hesitate to betray your husband, why? Was it worth it to you? You will never get past this until you deal with it. You will forever be hiding and keeping a secret from the man you swore not to, how can that not effect your future together? The longer you keep it the bigger the lie becomes until every beautiful and happy moment is overshadowed by the lie. Tell him the truth.

[Got it]

Ok so I'm just going to throw this out there. Feel free to respond, comment, share. Do you think once a cheater, always a cheater? I have recently cheated on my H with a MM. The MM told me he has cheated once before when "he thought the M was over." I have been M for 3yrs together for 9. This is the first and only time I have cheated. I also wonder what you think about coming back from cheating in a M. I feel guilty, but I also don't know if I should just live with it and move on, or if I should tell my H. I think that by telling him I am just trying to rid myself of the guilt and destroying him in the process (not sure if that's fair). I know it wasn't fair to cheat on him either. So I am looking for others opinions, also from BS's.

 

Humans are pattern oriented. The best way to predict the lack of a repeat is changing the pattern that go you to that point. So now not to be a cheater? Get therapy and figure out why you cheated and change it.

[ian1966]

Definately not. I cheated, although I had a great outcome - W and I have a deal. Either of us ever cheat (or me cheat again) and we are out the door.

I never realized the consequences until it happened. I bet most other WS's don't either, lost in the thrill of the fantasy...

 

A's are a complete fog for the AP's. Its not day to day reality. 97% of relationships that begin with A's fail once they move in together and face the day to day humdrum of life, and all the annoyances that only become apparent with each other once living together in the real world.

 

Thrills. Excitement. Naughtiness. F'ing another man's wife. its all a perverse thrill that chemically gives you a high. A very addictive high. Once the high is gone, so is the "relationship".

[fanine]

Definately not. I cheated, although I had a great outcome - W and I have a deal. Either of us ever cheat (or me cheat again) and we are out the door.

I never realized the consequences until it happened. I bet most other WS's don't either, lost in the thrill of the fantasy...

 

A's are a complete fog for the AP's. Its not day to day reality. 97% of relationships that begin with A's fail once they move in together and face the day to day humdrum of life, and all the annoyances that only become apparent with each other once living together in the real world.

 

Thrills. Excitement. Naughtiness. F'ing another man's wife. its all a perverse thrill that chemically gives you a high. A very addictive high. Once the high is gone, so is the "relationship".

 

That is the thing with an A. It is not really reality. As an OW the life he had with me was fun, naughty, extravagant in a sense. There was none of the humdrum of sorting bills, or kid care or cleaning the toilet. We would hang around my place watching tv, cooking, drinking. We would go out with his friends and party. I gave him this alternative life, I let him have it too. Looking back if we had lived together it would have completely changed the dynamics. I think with mine too as he is a serial cheater, if we had moved in together, then he would have found another OW to replace me....

[So happy together]

Also, if that was true, there would never be reconciliations in marriages touched by affairs, would there? I just really dislike this kind of "bad person" vs "good person" thing. One thing you do in your life does not define you forever. Hardly anyone is all good or all bad, we all just "sin" differently. Judgment is silly considering we all sin in some way. Claiming that there is a hierarchy is nice comfort for those convinced that their sins are at the lowest level, but aside from murder, there really isn't a "degree" per se.

 

I was told on this forum just a couple of weeks ago that since my R began as an affair my bf has earned the title of 'cheater' and would always carry it.

 

Rubbish.

[So happy together]

Some cheaters cheat only once in a lifetime. Others cheat again. You will have to live your entire life to see where you fall.

 

 

The other question that may be useful is what caused the cheating. Why did you cheat? I think the cause is important. If the circumstances remain the same you could cheat again. If the circumstances were highly unique and rare then perhaps you will never cheat again.

 

Why did you cheat? There is your answer.

 

I'm kind of laughing at this and wondering how many times you've had to explain this dynamic.

[Calcmag]

Not necessarily. Some people will cheat over and over. Others won't.

 

I had an affair after nearly two decades of marriage. At that point the marriage was over but I'd been desperately trying to hang in there. I cheated because I'd been trying for several years to make my marriage work but wasn't succeeding. And the other reason that I cheated was that I was far too much of a coward to leave the marriage as I felt I had too much to lose.

I did leave the marriage in the end - not because there was a D Day but because I finally found the courage to leave it.

I know I'll never cheat again in the future because I won't make the same mistakes, many lessons learned.

[ComingInHot]

How about this?

 

Once a Cheater, once cheated.

 

So far, that would be my H.

[Got it]

I have to agree. Someone that has an exit affair is not likely to cheat again. Some may not call it cheating. It may simply be an act to leave the marriage.

 

The most important issue regarding repeat offenders is why they cheated. If they cheated because of low self esteem and need for validation they will cheat again.

 

Gawd this is pedantic. Exactly how does one going from a once in a lifetime to a serial? By going from one to two. There is no way of saying that an exit affair(er) will not repeat again unless they figure out the whys. They may just become a serial exit affair(er).

 

I am seriously going to start a drinking game with the number of times the catch phrase of Low self esteem and need for validation are used by you. Fastest way to getting drunk. (Seriously where is the hammer over the head icon?)

[ComingInHot]

WTHF wrote, "Thanks and I agree. I just don't think that there are very many people having affairs that are doing so out of malice or to intentionally cause harm. I believe that people are doing the best they can AND that they can do better. And that they will do better as they grow and learn. "

 

Thank You WTHF! I don't think people set out to cheat with the mind-set of "boy this is really going to get my Spouse or BS Good".

 

WTHF also wrote, " I wouldn't post over in infidelity, unless the OP wants a whole lot of misdirected anger and hurt aimed at her. "

 

I also wanted to comment on the above post you wrote in that I think if you consider your statement, "I believe that people are doing the best they can AND that they can do better. And that they will do better as they grow and learn." (which I totally agree with*) then consider "HOW" you can learn, I believe that (and this is only when you are ready) by creating a dialogue with someone of a different perspective or from the opposite end of the A, MUCH can be learned.

 

I have learned SO MUCH from the LS forums Infidelity & OW/OM interactions and dialogue! I can't tell you how much reading and commenting, debating with and yes, even arguing with the OW/OM & WS's, has helped me learn and grow!!

 

I know this is a little O/T, but I really hope that by communicating here on LS that you can let some of your anger towards the BS in your life Go* And it's OKAY that sometimes your anger at her is misdirected to BS's here (sometimes). It may allow you to work through those emotions to attain peace with the BS in your life that may have given you grief

 

Once a Cheater (or once an "anything") does not "make" one anything more than what they did that "one time".

[So happy together]

The make up of the cheater will not change, but it is possible for a once cheater to control the urge. However, the proclivity will always be there.

 

Unless the cheating was completely out of character, then the opposite will be true. And everything in between. Lol

[Owl]

Here's my take.

 

I don't agree with the "Once a cheater, always a cheater." concept.

 

People learn from these kinds of events. But what they learn from it will determine their future path.

 

If the affair was conducted "successfully", and the WS was never discovered, never had to do any of the hard work of recovering their marriage from the damage done by the affair, and never really had to 'earn' their way back into the marriage...personally I feel that this doesn't bode well. They can view this as a useful tool in their belt. When they find themselves less than happy with their marriage again later at some point (for whatever reason)...they can easily turn back to infidelity as their coping mechanism again.

 

If the affair was NOT 'successful'...if it was discovered, and the WS opted to stay and recover the marriage, they had to deal with the damage done by their actions. They see first hand the emotional devestation created by what they've done, and they have to help this person rebuild and recover from them. They have to learn how to rebuild trust after they've destroyed it. They feel the pain of going through all of this.

 

They learn it's not a valuable tool. They learn not to use it again.

 

So from MY perspective..."Once a cheater, always a cheater."...isn't true. But..."Twice a cheater, always a cheater." most likely is.

 

Once can be a painful learning experience. Twice is likely a personality trait.

 

Given that...the OP is sitting at the crux of things right now in her marriage. She can learn from what she's done, deal with consequences, and probably not do it again. She can hide it from her H, bury it under the rug...and risk doing it again. But I can pretty much garauntee that ther AP...the MM who has now done this twice...will absolutely do it again.

[janedoe67]

The make up of the cheater will not change, but it is possible for a once cheater to control the urge. However, the proclivity will always be there.

 

Not buying this. People can change. I understand why the idea that everyone who cheats has always been secretly evil all along and always will be is a comfort. it distances the "regular" people from the bad people.

 

But it has no actual basis in statistical and psychological reality.

 

Anyone with the right combination of resentment, selfishness, and poor boundaries, along with a sometimes heavy dose of pride, is vulnerable to an affair.