crazyencounter Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Ok so I'm just going to throw this out there. Feel free to respond, comment, share. Do you think once a cheater, always a cheater? I have recently cheated on my H with a MM. The MM told me he has cheated once before when "he thought the M was over." I have been M for 3yrs together for 9. This is the first and only time I have cheated. I also wonder what you think about coming back from cheating in a M. I feel guilty, but I also don't know if I should just live with it and move on, or if I should tell my H. I think that by telling him I am just trying to rid myself of the guilt and destroying him in the process (not sure if that's fair). I know it wasn't fair to cheat on him either. So I am looking for others opinions, also from BS's.
dichotomy Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) Well your in the right section to talk to BS's, but you might get some different support in OW/OM section as well. Telling you BS ( Husband) is the right answer. Your husband is going to want to know EVERYTHING - from the sexual nitty gritty - to times and places ... emails and texts.......to the most important thing - which is WHY? He may not even what to stay with you even after you answer all this. The idea of once a cheater always cheater - depends on the whys and reasons and also how you feel about what you did. My wife had an unfrotunate period of time - a "phase" before she met me. We have spent much time in therapy understanding the why and what if, and would it get repeated with me. Be accountable, be honest, be remorseful, no matter what happens after you tell him. Edited August 19, 2013 by dichotomy 1
Author crazyencounter Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Telling you BS ( Husband) is the right answer. Your husband is going to want to know EVERYTHING - from the sexual nitty gritty - to times and places ... emails and texts.......to the most important thing - which is WHY? The part I still haven't figure out is the "why?" How can I answer that when I am not sure myself. That's part of what has me holding out.
MMY Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I am a mm that cheated for the first time and it lasted a little over a year. A lot of people will tell you to put it all out in the open but you are the only one who knows that answer. I had DDay last March and my ExAP went NC in April. I was confused to say the least. After Dday (it took about 2 mths) but we pulled back the rug on our relationship, she didn't ask a ton of questions about the A and we are moving on with our M. I have read on here that BS go through phases after Dday. I just know my W has allowed me to win her back and work on our M. There is a good chance that if you both talk about where you are in your relationship and try to meet each others needs that you can make you M better. Best to you. 2
MMY Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Look for a book called "His needs Her needs". I don't read a lot but it helped me understand things. 1
Southern Cal Dude Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Most of the time. It's almost never a one time thing. 1
Author crazyencounter Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Look for a book called "His needs Her needs". I don't read a lot but it helped me understand things. Ty. Looking for it now.
dichotomy Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) The part I still haven't figure out is the "why?" How can I answer that when I am not sure myself. That's part of what has me holding out. okay then - start individual therapy to figure this out, but make sure you break from MM and establish No Contact. Whys will include - why did you start - why didn't you stop - why did you stop. Edited August 19, 2013 by dichotomy 1
compulsivedancer Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 The part I still haven't figure out is the "why?" How can I answer that when I am not sure myself. That's part of what has me holding out. You'll never have a good answer. Unless it was a one-night stand the answer is usually a combination of need for validation, entitlement and poor boundaries. But that's never enough. I'm a WW 6 months from DDay. I say tell him. Your marriage will never truly heal without honesty. And you need to deal with the underlying causes both in yourself and in your marriage. Most people recommend individual counseling. Just be prepared for the consequences. If you are truly interested in reconciliation, you have a good chance of making it, and telling him yourself (vs. him finding out) is a good first step. For many BSs, it sounds like this makes it much easier to reconcile. This is a wonderful forum if you're interested in R. Be prepared for some ire, but it's worth it because sometimes that's what you need to hear to clear the fog, and the BSs can really help you understand your own BS (pun accidental, but fortuitous). 3
troubadour Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 The part I still haven't figure out is the "why?" How can I answer that when I am not sure myself. That's part of what has me holding out. Actually, the "why" part is very easy to answer.... you cheated because you wanted and you could. It is really that simple. Don't expect to discover any earth-shattering revelations while doing your soul-searching because ultimately cheating boils down to one thing only.... your selfishness. And you haven't told your husband about your affair not because you are trying to figure out the "why" question.... you haven't told him because you are trying to protect yourself. You don't know where the chips are going to fall if you do it. He may decide to expose the affair to your family and friends.... are you ready to wear a cheater's hat? I doubt. What if he goes after your married lover boy? You haven't told him because you don't want to face the consequences of your affair. As for your original question.... NOPE! Once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater.... some people will cheat again, some won't. 2
LoveTKO Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I think so, but then again what do you expect in a monogamous relationship? Monogamy takes work and commitment; it doesn't come natural. Marrying for love is a fairly recent phenomenon in the human experience, and it came about during the age of the enlightenment. Prior to that marriage was more of a business arrangement. When it comes to cheating, a lot of people are like alcoholics in remission or who abstain from drinking. You're hardwired to sleep around, but most people don't acquiesce out of guilt or morals/ethics. Too many risks associated with cheating so focus on the "work and commitment" aspect of the relationship. Instead of indulging in forbidden pleasures, you and your husband get the luxury of making each other miserable the rest of your lives by fighting like Palestinians vs. Israelis.....it's called marriage. ; )
Coolit Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I cheated. That will never change. I will never do that again. Cheater is an active term. I'm no longer a cheater. As to telling your H... That is up to you. If I could have put the A behind me and completely forgotten about it. I would have not confessed. But I knew that for me, I could not continue on with my deception. I knew that everytime I looked at my H I would think in my mind. "I cheated on you" and the urge to tell would always be there. He is my best friend and for me it was important he know. Plus, telling my H was my act of putting nails in the coffin. I hadn't got to the part where xMM was visible in a clear light so I knew the temptation to fall back into the A was present. (certain things xMM said to me confirmed it was how he felt. He used terms like "you never know" and "not right now" and "the wrong time for us".). Telling my husband lifted a huge weight off me. It took two weeks of back and forth before I finally confessed. Telling my husband helped him see my suicide attempt had nothing to do with me. Actually, the "why" part is very easy to answer.... you cheated because you wanted and you could. 100% true. Now there may be factors to it. Things that you need to change in yourself to have a healthier you. But having an A always boils down to making the wron choice
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