rough day

[GreySkyMorning]

I just want him to call me or text me or email me or something. But he won't and I won't. I guess I just miss him today. I want to be angry and vent, but I don't even have that today.

[tryingto]

I'm sorry you are having a rough day today, GreySky. I have been there and it is a hard place to be. Stay strong and be good to yourself! (((((hugs)))))

[fanine]

I'm sorry you are having a rough day today, GreySky. I have been there and it is a hard place to be. Stay strong and be good to yourself! (((((hugs)))))

 

It's horrible and many of us know how you feel. I wish I could wipe all memory of my xMM. I wish I could just erase him and everything we did from my heart and mind. I never felt like this after any other relationship. Even after my divorce I did not actually regret my 9 years with my husband. I still have good memories from that time. This is so different though. Hugs to you x

[Goodbye]

Grey, I'm sorry. I know the feeling. I assume you are in NC? What is going on?

[bentleychic]

(((Grey)))

[whichwayisup]

I just want him to call me or text me or email me or something. But he won't and I won't. I guess I just miss him today. I want to be angry and vent, but I don't even have that today.

 

Hugs... Sorry you're having a bad day. You'll feel better tomorrow...Don't let yourself miss him and want him to text you for too long. Be proud of all the hard work you've done being in NC mode, and letting go of him.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is the most difficult time. I wish I could tell you there won't be more, but there probably will. I am almost 4 years since the final dday and I still miss him at times, although its much better than it was.

 

Try to divert your mind the best you can and do something for you!

 

Hang in there - day by day.

[GreySkyMorning]

I so much appreciate the comforting thoughts from everyone.

 

Grey, I'm sorry. I know the feeling. I assume you are in NC? What is going on?

 

The last time we talked was a week ago Sunday. On Thursday morning, I sent him a funny cartoon, but nothing else. He didn't acknowledge it. I kinda figured he wouldn't.

 

Some times, I do ok. I stayed really busy this weekend and that helped a lot. I kept my kids really close. This morning, a friend texted me at 6am and woke me up. That set the tone for the whole day, I guess. Xmm used to wake me up every morning at 530. When I heard the text, I immediately thought it was him for some reason. From then on, my day just went downhill.

 

I refuse to contact him. I never will again. He made me feel like I meant nothing to him and I will never give him the chance to crush me like that again. He will NEVER have my heart in his hands like that again. And he'll never hear the words I love you come from me again. It may take me years to stop loving him, but he'll never hear me say it again ever.

 

I still don't understand how it was so easy for him to turn his back and walk away if I meant anything at all to him. How do you go from "I love you and want to be with you" on march 4, to "I don't love you" on march 5. I don't understand it and I never will. I could NEVER hurt someone like that! WHY WOULD YOU BRG SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU IF YOU HAD NO INTENTION OF EVER BEING WITH THEM??? All he wanted to know back then was how much I loved him. I don't know how many times he asked if I loved him... I just found some old messages from Feb 16. He said he loved me, wanted me, and wasnt leaving me. And two weeks later, he didn't love me anymore?? I don't get it.

[GreySkyMorning]

This is the most difficult time. I wish I could tell you there won't be more, but there probably will. I am almost 4 years since the final dday and I still miss him at times, although its much better than it was.

 

Try to divert your mind the best you can and do something for you!

 

Hang in there - day by day.

 

It was 17 yrs from the first time he left me until we got back together. I never stopped loving him and wanting him in all that time. So what, now I have to do this forever??

[LoveTKO]

I so much appreciate the comforting thoughts from everyone.

 

 

 

How do you go from "I love you and want to be with you" on march 4, to "I don't love you" on march 5. I don't understand it and I never will. I could NEVER hurt someone like that! WHY WOULD YOU BRG SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU IF YOU HAD NO INTENTION OF EVER BEING WITH THEM??? All he wanted to know back then was how much I loved him. I don't know how many times he asked if I loved him... I just found some old messages from Feb 16. He said he loved me, wanted me, and wasnt leaving me. And two weeks later, he didn't love me anymore?? I don't get it.

 

 

You don't understand it? Let me help you out. Someone who uses the word love like he did doesn't know what love is, but he does know that he can control and manipulate someone with "love". He's playing you like a fiddle. WS' suffer from decision making disorders and shallow emotions.

[LilGirlandOW]

(((hugs grey)))

[ian1966]

Who said "I love you" first? I'm guessing you did.

 

IF SO (only) then he may have reciprocated your words to "keep you as a bit on the side"... like I did. yes its mean but when those words are said there can be an instant "requirement" to say them back in order to keep everything as it is.

 

Did he EVER say it without there being a "need to" at that moment?

 

Again IF SO, you just ensured he had all the power and control in the relationship.

[whichwayisup]

 

I still don't understand how it was so easy for him to turn his back and walk away if I meant anything at all to him. How do you go from "I love you and want to be with you" on march 4, to "I don't love you" on march 5. I don't understand it and I never will. I could NEVER hurt someone like that! WHY WOULD YOU BRG SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU IF YOU HAD NO INTENTION OF EVER BEING WITH THEM??? All he wanted to know back then was how much I loved him. I don't know how many times he asked if I loved him... I just found some old messages from Feb 16. He said he loved me, wanted me, and wasnt leaving me. And two weeks later, he didn't love me anymore?? I don't get it.

 

Because some people are just assh.oles! They are cruel and don't care about hurting someone's feelings.

 

Don't try to figure it out, just keep telling yourself he's not worthy of having you in his life. Say it until you believe it and feel it. Get mad, be pissed off, it's that anger that will make him exit your heart and blood, detach to the point you just don't care anymore PERIOD. Say out loud "FU>CK HIM! What an a-hole!" every time you think you start to miss him or feel care for him. Screw that, really... He is a sh.t and only cares about himself. The sooner you accept that and make peace with it, the better off you'll feel.

[GreySkyMorning]

Who said "I love you" first? I'm guessing you did.

 

IF SO (only) then he may have reciprocated your words to "keep you as a bit on the side"... like I did. yes its mean but when those words are said there can be an instant "requirement" to say them back in order to keep everything as it is.

 

Did he EVER say it without there being a "need to" at that moment?

 

Again IF SO, you just ensured he had all the power and control in the relationship.

 

He knew I loved him. We had been together as just sex for about six weeks when he said it. He knew I was still dating other people pretty steadily. I had a date one night and he had been kind of a jerk all day. Finally, I told him I couldn't deal with the phone anymore, that I was turning it off and going on my date. When I got home, he had blown my phone up with texts about how he loved me, he always had, he couldn't stand the thought of me with another man, he'd been wanting to tell me but he was afraid. I even have him many outs after that, told him it was ok if he'd just said that because of my date and that he didn't need to tell me that to keep me around. He reassured me over and over that he meant it.

 

We said it constantly, many times a day. Both of us, he'd say it to me first, I'd say it to him first. Last thing we said to each other every night.

 

I am beyond frustrated and upset tonight. I'm an embalmer and I've been working on a case from h**l tonight, along with all this running through my mind. I just want to give up.

[whichwayisup]

The last time we talked was a week ago Sunday. On Thursday morning, I sent him a funny cartoon, but nothing else. He didn't acknowledge it. I kinda figured he wouldn't.

Yup, just stop contacting him. He is ignoring you and treating you like crap. You gotta make yourself let go. I hope you follow through on never contacting him again...It'll only hurt you if you cave and contact him and then he ignores you. His silence hurts you much more, so no more contact! Remember no contact equals no new hurts!

[ian1966]

Hold on a minute, I don't think "he's an ******* just maintain NC with him" is going to work for you. You're emotions run too deep and that's a very simplistic, shallow, emotive response (no offence intended).

Wow, most of the posts so far are full of sympathy/empathy and little real advice.

Here's my take on your situation..

From your description he definitely DOES LOVE YOU.

I don't believe love can be switched off just like you describe, so something quite significant has occurred in his life.

 

You NEED to know the underlying reason for this , for your own sanity and to go deeper into your emotions and untangle them. Without knowing this you will remain in the affair "fog".

 

What is it?

 

(a) Maybe his W is suspicious or has found out about the A.

(b) A job-related cause? Someone other than W has found out and he has been secretly "outed" to perhaps a select one or few?

© Another woman?

(d) He has thought hard about it and decided the risk is just too great and wants to be with his wife only.

 

He's sh*t scared as a result of one of the above.

Ask him, in a calm manner, perhaps by email. Don't rant or be emotional, just politely ask him if he is OK, if he needs any help, ask him how he is FEELING - try and stay detached and not sound like you are in love...

As you said, when you backed off he came back with lots of texts... do the same again and wait... but this time delve into what caused his turnaround...

 

Personally I think men have an easier time breaking things off sharply like that.

(compartmentalization) and often leave women struggling in this situation.

 

So what should you do?

Any mutual friends? Can you find out anything through them?

Do you know his W?

Do they have kids?

How has he described his home life (they often lie to make you sound much better?)

Will he continue or not? Sounds like not.

What does he stand to lose if outed?

Perhaps DDay has taken place, Both he and W are ashamed and don't want the info slipping out.

 

I'm not asking you to answer every question, just something for you to think about.

 

Now, your emotions... (the all important part)

Once you know the reason for his turnaround you can work on yourself.

You have set a pattern of expectation, receiving the daily emails/texts that you just expect / cant wait to read (I certainly felt that). Doesn't it make you feel so good when you hear the text beep or see the email in the inbox? Sure it does.

Do you get any kind of thrill knowing you are shagging a married man? In the beginning perhaps? If so then you definitely need counselling (sorry).

When did you realize that you love him? Compared to his ILY's to you?

Love does not conquer all - sometimes the cost is just too high.

Something has raised that cost above acceptable levels for him.

 

To state the obvious, BUT, remember you did DECIDE to start a relationship with a married man. Harsh, but surely you realized that at some point this may happen.

It does bring into question your own morals, though.

I hope its not a case of "wanting what you do not have".

 

The relationship is not based in reality. You don't live day to day with this man, and the time you do spend together is exciting, loving and gives you a real high. Please consider that despite your feelings

 

Are you jealous of his W when he's not with you? (yes)

Do you hate his W? (probably)

How far would you go in order to destroy his marriage and "take" him for yourself?

Don't be a bunny boiler - it will drive you crazy.

 

My advice...(if the above rings true)

Take a break. You need to break your routine and establish a new one.

Keep busy, time will pass more quickly and you wont have as much time to dwell on him. get away from the forms of communication that you share with him, at least for a while. Clear time space does wonders in these situations.

 

See a counselor, that might sound extreme but I'm sure you know that with the depth of emotion that you feel it can become overwhelming, and there ARE ways to separate yourself from the intensity of those emotions that can be learned.

Even if he does "come back to you" , you are still in for one hell of a rocky ride. It isn't pleasant in the end.

Unless you are in the 3% of affairs that actually result in you being with him and being happy together in the "real world" you are destined for heartache.

 

best wishes.

[GreySkyMorning]

Hold on a minute, I don't think "he's an ******* just maintain NC with him" is going to work for you. You're emotions run too deep and that's a very simplistic, shallow, emotive response (no offence intended).

Wow, most of the posts so far are full of sympathy/empathy and little real advice.

Here's my take on your situation..

From your description he definitely DOES LOVE YOU.

I don't believe love can be switched off just like you describe, so something quite significant has occurred in his life.

 

You NEED to know the underlying reason for this , for your own sanity and to go deeper into your emotions and untangle them. Without knowing this you will remain in the affair "fog".

 

What is it?

 

(a) Maybe his W is suspicious or has found out about the A.

(b) A job-related cause? Someone other than W has found out and he has been secretly "outed" to perhaps a select one or few?

© Another woman?

(d) He has thought hard about it and decided the risk is just too great and wants to be with his wife only.

 

He's sh*t scared as a result of one of the above.

Ask him, in a calm manner, perhaps by email. Don't rant or be emotional, just politely ask him if he is OK, if he needs any help, ask him how he is FEELING - try and stay detached and not sound like you are in love...

As you said, when you backed off he came back with lots of texts... do the same again and wait... but this time delve into what caused his turnaround...

 

Personally I think men have an easier time breaking things off sharply like that.

(compartmentalization) and often leave women struggling in this situation.

 

So what should you do?

Any mutual friends? Can you find out anything through them?

Do you know his W?

Do they have kids?

How has he described his home life (they often lie to make you sound much better?)

Will he continue or not? Sounds like not.

What does he stand to lose if outed?

Perhaps DDay has taken place, Both he and W are ashamed and don't want the info slipping out.

 

I'm not asking you to answer every question, just something for you to think about.

 

Now, your emotions... (the all important part)

Once you know the reason for his turnaround you can work on yourself.

You have set a pattern of expectation, receiving the daily emails/texts that you just expect / cant wait to read (I certainly felt that). Doesn't it make you feel so good when you hear the text beep or see the email in the inbox? Sure it does.

Do you get any kind of thrill knowing you are shagging a married man? In the beginning perhaps? If so then you definitely need counselling (sorry).

When did you realize that you love him? Compared to his ILY's to you?

Love does not conquer all - sometimes the cost is just too high.

Something has raised that cost above acceptable levels for him.

 

To state the obvious, BUT, remember you did DECIDE to start a relationship with a married man. Harsh, but surely you realized that at some point this may happen.

It does bring into question your own morals, though.

I hope its not a case of "wanting what you do not have".

 

The relationship is not based in reality. You don't live day to day with this man, and the time you do spend together is exciting, loving and gives you a real high. Please consider that despite your feelings

 

Are you jealous of his W when he's not with you? (yes)

Do you hate his W? (probably)

How far would you go in order to destroy his marriage and "take" him for yourself?

Don't be a bunny boiler - it will drive you crazy.

 

My advice...(if the above rings true)

Take a break. You need to break your routine and establish a new one.

Keep busy, time will pass more quickly and you wont have as much time to dwell on him. get away from the forms of communication that you share with him, at least for a while. Clear time space does wonders in these situations.

 

See a counselor, that might sound extreme but I'm sure you know that with the depth of emotion that you feel it can become overwhelming, and there ARE ways to separate yourself from the intensity of those emotions that can be learned.

Even if he does "come back to you" , you are still in for one hell of a rocky ride. It isn't pleasant in the end.

Unless you are in the 3% of affairs that actually result in you being with him and being happy together in the "real world" you are destined for heartache.

 

best wishes.

There was a dday. His wife knows everything. He threw me right under the bus like I was nothing but a fling.

[ian1966]

Sheesh... that info would have been useful.

Thanks for your.......... reply.

I hope you come out of it a better person and learn from it.

Best wishes.

[hermione08]

You cannot respect a man who throws you under the bus after dday. Always, always remember that without respect a relationship cannot be satisfactory or enduring.

He's a coward and definitely not a Man (capital M), whatever he may say about it.

It's hard (I know, I have been there), but your only choice is to move on.

Think about his wife, she's in a much worse position: she lives with a cowardly cheater.

[fanine]

You cannot respect a man who throws you under the bus after dday. Always, always remember that without respect a relationship cannot be satisfactory or enduring.

He's a coward and definitely not a Man (capital M), whatever he may say about it.

It's hard (I know, I have been there), but your only choice is to move on.

Think about his wife, she's in a much worse position: she lives with a cowardly cheater.

 

It's the selfishness of these guys I just hate. With mine he lied so so much. Even when we met he said he was separated. Why did he involve me in his sordid life? What must it be like to go around hurting so, so many women? Do men or women like this ever feel bad for what they do? Living a life of lies and deceit. I guess it is impossible for me to comprehend as I could never do that to other people. To keep telling someone you love them, that you are their world, that they don't know what they would do without you? But then their actions show the total opposite. It is enough to make anyone feel crazy....

[LimeBlue]

Love does not conquer all - sometimes the cost is just too high.

 

This is very true, not only in affair situations though. Sometimes love is not the be all and end all. We all have people we love, but whether they are good for us is another question altogether. Sometimes the cost really is too high, for yourself, to stay in that relationship (can be applied to friendships too).

[GreySkyMorning]

Sheesh... that info would have been useful.

Thanks for your.......... reply.

I hope you come out of it a better person and learn from it.

Best wishes.

 

I didn't feel the need to rehash it for you. It's all there in my history.

 

Good luck to you. I have a feeling your marriage is going to need it. I give your wife about three more months before she hits the angry stage.

[GreySkyMorning]

You cannot respect a man who throws you under the bus after dday. Always, always remember that without respect a relationship cannot be satisfactory or enduring.

He's a coward and definitely not a Man (capital M), whatever he may say about it.

It's hard (I know, I have been there), but your only choice is to move on.

Think about his wife, she's in a much worse position: she lives with a cowardly cheater.

 

I do think about her, probably not as much as I should. I DO have the opportunity to move on to a better relationship with someone that has never hurt me like that. I can have a relationship that starts out on level ground without the history of pain and damage. I have the ability to build a relationship that is "untainted", so to speak. She doesn't have that with him or him with her. And I would never have that with him.

[GettingOver]

It was 17 yrs from the first time he left me until we got back together. I never stopped loving him and wanting him in all that time. So what, now I have to do this forever??

First of all, ((((((((((GreySkyMorning))))))))))))

17 years? 17 years long affair or you were 17 when he first left you, or?...

[GreySkyMorning]

First of all, ((((((((((GreySkyMorning))))))))))))

17 years? 17 years long affair or you were 17 when he first left you, or?...

 

We were together at one point for a while. At the time, I was married and he was living with someone. He walked away then without a word, just disappeared. I never got over him. I found him on Facebook two years ago after having no contact for 17 years. He told me after we got together this time that he loved me back then and only left to keep from breaking up my family for my sons sake. He said that he'd loved me all those years we were apart too and that he'd thought about me often. Of course, I don't believe a word of it now.