In my first affair and I'm way too head over heels. now what?

[2sunny]

I'm sure our situation isn't different than others at all. She's been very clear from the beginning that she's not looking to escape her marriage or mess up anyone else's.

 

It's just me being pitifully naive and thinking that if one of us did get found out that we would still be together and we wouldn't end up dropping it like it's hot.

 

Not IF you get found out - WHEN you get caught.

 

Your WIFE deserves much more than what you're offering as her husband.

 

Allow her to be free from your cheating.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure our situation isn't different than others at all. She's been very clear from the beginning that she's not looking to escape her marriage or mess up anyone else's.

 

It's just me being pitifully naive and thinking that if one of us did get found out that we would still be together and we wouldn't end up dropping it like it's hot.

 

Then stop it with that type of thinking and stop being naive. It serves no purpose. Right?

 

Either enjoy your A for what it is and detach so you can function or end it.

 

Still think you should tell your wife. Better for her to find out from you rather than someone else (aka your MW's husband...Never know, he could find out too).

[Wayne696]

This is why she's happy having you and staying married, just like you're OK with being married and having her on the side as well. Each of you on some level are using one another, even if you both feel love.

 

I thought I would be OK being married and having her on the side, but it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Not even.

[whichwayisup]

I thought I would be OK being married and having her on the side, but it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Not even.

 

Yet so many put themselves in this type of situation and say the exact same thing once both feet are in and the A is happening.

 

Don't let this go on for too long. It will eat you up inside, affect your health, both mentally and physically. And, your wife isn't stupid..she knows you and knows 'something' is off. It's cruel and unfair to her. Sooner you tell her the truth, the sooner a conclusion/decision can be made either way.

 

Maybe think about seeking counseling.

[2sunny]

I have a question - have you posted here under another user name?

 

Can you answer this?

[Sentinel]

I think that's totally possible. I might even be consciously messy about it.

 

This is my first post here, but I want you to know that eventually she will find out. My advice comes from the other side of the relationship. I became a slug who always figured everything would be fine.

 

My drinking, weight gain, and misery at my job all contributed to our relationship's end. I stopped doing things for myself. You should really just honestly tell her what is going on and how you feel. There are things your wife isn't telling you either. Don't backstab. If you don't think she has any idea, you should still tell her. My wife tried to tell me for a long time.

 

I thought I could get her back for a good 3 months after she left, but the advice you are getting here is the truth. You will start to make your wife miserable and eventually she will realize that life is easier without you once she heals. When that time comes, you'll be the one posting in the reconciliation threads.

 

Think of it this way, it will be a huge weight off your own shoulders if you can't stop getting your "fix" from another woman. No longer will you feel like you are responsible or any guilt from hiding things. My ex said she was strangely relieved when I told her I knew.

 

The biggest obstacle I experienced in completely moving on was revenge sex with her friends.

[psm04]

Hi Wayne. If you feel all of this in just a few months, imagine what you would feel like in a year. I can relate to so much of what you are saying about your situation. I've been going through this emotionally draining experience for over two years now. Believe me, you don't want to continue this. It is self destructive. OMM and I are both married, and he, like you , says that he is in his marriage because of his kids. I think I'm happier in my marriage than he is in his, and I feel bad for him. However, I do love him. He wasn't just something on the side. I don't think she sees you as something on the side either, but apparently she is able to handle both worlds better than you. In my case, it is he who is able to handle it better than me, and I've ended the affair because I couldn't. But I'm still dealing with the repercussions.

 

This will ruin you, if you already feel terrible now. Yes, the highs are amazing, but the lows are just as bad. You will have jealousy, insecurity, anger, hurt, pretty much any negative emotion out there. Please read through this board and do what's emotionally healthy for you! I wish I could PM you, but you can't PM on here at the moment. Take care.

[Wayne696]

Can you answer this?

 

I haven't. This is my first time on the forums.

[MissBee]

I recently met a married woman and we've been having a full blown affair for about two months now. It's been hot and heavy and all-encompassing. We communicate daily, see each other at least once a week, and have spent the night together multiple times. And it is amazing when we are together!!! I haven't felt like this in years, decades, even.

 

That's the good part. Of course, there's a dark side, and I hope some of you can help me cope.

 

I'm finding it nearly impossible to compartmentalize any of this. I can't get her out of my mind, and it's like I'm walking around in a perpetual fog. Add to that I get terribly, terribly, depressed when we're not together.

 

Like me, she's married, but unlike me, she's happy in her marriage. And as irrational as it is, I find myself actually getting envious of the time she spends with her husband, and it tears me up inside. There will be times when she tells me she's not going to be able to get in touch with me, or she has somewhere she needs to be and she has to leave, and I know it's because she's going out with her husband. And I feel completely dejected and deflated at those moments.

 

I have a hard time reconciling the fact that she is happily married, with a husband, yet here she is with me.

 

Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? Any advice at all?

 

thanks in advance!

 

 

I couldn't deal is the answer.

 

Well I was single and not married, but he was in a relationship and he compartmentalized, and said his love for me had nothing to do with their relationship and vice-versa. So when he was with me, he was with me, and happy and it was great. Then, sometimes he'd say he had to do stuff or wouldn't be free on a particular weekend, and that's because he had a life with her too where they had sex, went out and did what couples do. He didn't seem at all perturbed by this...but I was. I was jealous, didn't like sharing, it hurt and upset me every time I knew he was sharing himself.

 

Things had to end, and on my impetus initially, as if I didn't protest he'd probably try to have two women forever. All you can do if you choose to do this is to not expect more than she can give you and fill your time with other stuff besides her and accept she isn't your exclusive gf and has a husband and another relationship and you share gracefully or don't.

[fanine]

I couldn't deal is the answer.

 

Well I was single and not married, but he was in a relationship and he compartmentalized, and said his love for me had nothing to do with their relationship and vice-versa. So when he was with me, he was with me, and happy and it was great. Then, sometimes he'd say he had to do stuff or wouldn't be free on a particular weekend, and that's because he had a life with her too where they had sex, went out and did what couples do. He didn't seem at all perturbed by this...but I was. I was jealous, didn't like sharing, it hurt and upset me every time I knew he was sharing himself.

 

Things had to end, and on my impetus initially, as if I didn't protest he'd probably try to have two women forever. All you can do if you choose to do this is to not expect more than she can give you and fill your time with other stuff besides her and accept she isn't your exclusive gf and has a husband and another relationship and you share gracefully or don't.

 

Mine would quite happily have carried on forever with two women as well. He really didn't see it was a problem and didn't understand why I would see it was a problem. I'm sure if I had had another life with another man he would not have been quite so happy....

[Wayne696]

Hi Wayne. If you feel all of this in just a few months, imagine what you would feel like in a year. I can relate to so much of what you are saying about your situation. I wish I could PM you, but you can't PM on here at the moment. Take care.

 

Thank you. Yes, I think you can definitely relate to my situation. I wish you could PM me too, because I could use the help!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. Yes, I think you can definitely relate to my situation. I wish you could PM me too, because I could use the help!

 

Just keep posting and replying to other threads to get your post count up to 100 and once you hit the one month mark of being here, then you'll get PM access.

[MissBee]

Mine would quite happily have carried on forever with two women as well. He really didn't see it was a problem and didn't understand why I would see it was a problem. I'm sure if I had had another life with another man he would not have been quite so happy....

 

Yes. My exAP was very possessive and jealous, yet felt it was alright for him to have two women and I should understand. When I was upset and dissatisfied he'd often make it seem like I was being unreasonable and being unnecessarily demanding as he was "doing all he could to give me everything" .

[thecharade]

Oh, Wayne. I'm feeling for ya. You're in a really tough situation, and you are handling the barrage of comments from all the betrayed wives posting here very, very well. I'm not saying they are wrong, but you aren't getting much compassion because most of the people answering you have never been in your shoes. (They've been cheated on, and they want to stop you.) You are going through tough, confusing, painful emotions, and I think it's great that you are reaching out for help or support, even if it's just on an anonymous online forum.

 

The way that you met this other woman does not bode well for your future. I think she's as messed up and confused and lonely as you if she's on a cheater's website, so don't idealize her or her marriage. She is NOT perfect. Her life is NOT perfect, so try to get her off that pedestal.

 

You. You were obviously in a very bad place when you reached out to the cheater's site, whether it was you or your W or your life or your M. It doesn't matter because you were feeling very lonely and empty. I am sorry for that. BUT, this is no solution. Trust us. I am sure you don't hate your wife, and I KNOW you don't hate your kids, but if they find out about this, they will be incredibly hurt. Please realize that and consider other options. These people that you care about will be so devastated.

 

I wish I could say that you could end up with your MOW, but it's not looking good, even if she has real feelings for you. Oh, well. Nothing you can do to change things. But you. I am worried about how you could be hurt and hurt others and feel deep regret. Can you at least try to fight the feelings, try to fight yourself back into some logic? Just try. That's a start. It's where we all start.

 

You have a right to be happy. You do! You are just solving your unhappiness in a very hurtful and dangerous way. I understand how hard divorce looks and how difficult honesty is with your spouse, especially when you don't 'feel it' anymore for her. Been there. I know! But, it can get better and more real if you work for it. The feelings can come back, or you can feel peace in just expressing honestly what you need. But opening up will begin to help you. I was shocked at how it helped me.

 

Start with a therapist or counselor. You need the help and support. Read websites. Look for book recommendations, especially on improving your marriage. (Read about divorce, too. That'll scare you and challenge you.) I'm not saying your feelings for your AP aren't real, just that they are not going to be yours to own. (Mine weren't either. And it really hurts to let go.) So, try to keep that in mind and work to help yourself. You could end up very lost and despondent if and when MOW ends things. You must protect yourself by working on strengthening you and your life now. You'll be glad you did.

 

You seem like a good guy. Good luck. Keep posting here. We'll help you.

[Wayne696]

 

The way that you met this other woman does not bode well for your future. I think she's as messed up and confused and lonely as you if she's on a cheater's website, so don't idealize her or her marriage. She is NOT perfect. Her life is NOT perfect, so try to get her off that pedestal.

 

 

thanks for your encouraging words. and for reminding me that she isn't perfect, in spite of my rose colored glasses right now.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I really, really appreciate the support.

[thecharade]

I wanted my exAP. We had a long history and it felt meant to be, but (sigh) there were many nagging concerns. Those concerns (guilt, doubt, confusion) brought me to websites and books and a therapist. I was ultimately able to get myself out of the situation and work on my M (and myself, of course) without a dday. It was very difficult. So, I know what I'm talking about with my advice. I really walked the walk, forcing my head to focus on my best plan of action while ignoring what my heart wanted. It took time, but you can do it, as well.

 

There is double the danger for people like you and I: we will lose our spouses, but we know we'll most likely lose our APs, too. This is about saving others AND saving ourselves, even though that's not how it feels at present. I know you are sad at being told to leave your AP, but really consider the many reasons we're giving that advice. You could end up so broken hearted and crushed, even though the A is giving you "happiness" now.

 

Think on it.

[ian1966]

Dear Wayne

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (sorry, couldn't help it - YOU are ME)

 

I laugh not to be rude, but you did the same and expressed your feelings EXACTLY the same as me. Married, fell for another mans wife.

I have studied these forums for a while now (after affair) and have learnt A LOT. I suggest you do the same - what you read will F*****G SHOCK YOU.

 

I can laugh because I see you going down the same road, getting the same HIGH that I did. You are in classic "affair fog" (as you said).

 

Let me advise you from one who has been there...

 

1. What you are experiencing is not REAL LIFE and you have NO FUTURE with her.

2. The longer you keep at it, the harder the emotional fall (like taking eccies).

3. GET REAL. You are pumped up on serotonin and dopamine believe it or not.These neurotransmitters make you feel so good and flood your synapses as a reward for you (poor) but oh so exciting rendezvous with her.

4. Consider the consequences. I mean REALLY consider them because they WILL TAKE PLACE. The sword of caduceus is hanging over your head, and when it drops all hell will break loose to a degree you cannot possible imagine.

5. Look into yourself, is part of the thrill knowing that you are screwing another mans wife? How would you feel if your wife was screwing a married man?

6. STD's. Not to be understated.

7. Lose friends, family members wont look at you the same way ever again

8. Reconciliation CAN take years of hard work

9. House, finances, all turn to sh*t in divorce...

10. Husband of OW reactions - do you know him?

11. Ongoing harassment, hang-up calls at work (he's checking if you are there)

12. Threats and possible physical injury from her H , relatives & friends.

 

And there are many more...

depression, even suicide, .....

 

Did you use AshleyMadison.com or a similar site for married hook-ups?

 

Remember your affair partner did too... so would have had ANYONE ELSE if it wasn't you... and probably already has and will in the future. Feel good about that? She is a morally challenged piece of work just like you (and me) who really needs to learn a lot about affairs before it all comes crumbling down on you.

 

You surely dont think that two LYING CHEATERS who were LOOKING FOR SEX could possible have any sort of future together? Living in affair fog is delusional but great, moving it into reality, well, day to day living with that same person loses its gloss REAL QUICK.

 

You are stuck, my brother, just like I was.

DDay (disclosure day, when it ALL COMES OUT) will be the true entrance to HELL for you my man.

 

I really don't think you'll take any of this advice, I probably wouldn't have either. You're taking the pills man and not reading the label.

 

Advise

 

If you want to get out of it scot-free you have only one chance, if you refuse telling your Wife. Everyone else here will probably tell you to tell her. I won't.

Ditch the woman that's providing this drug to you... Its just like rehab, its gonna hurt bad, you'll pine for her, expect her emails / texts and they wont be there...

Even threaten to tell her hubby (if she really fears that).. try and make a deal, no tell mine, no tell hers... and get away for a while - take your wife with you.

 

Thats IF she lets you go, you've lost control of the situation now...

Even if you tell her NO CONTACT (read about that) she may become a bunny boiler (look it up) and F**K up your life no end.

 

And for f**k sake dont even dream that you'll leave yours, she'l lleave hers and you'll live together happily ever after. Statistically 97% of those type of relationships fail.

 

BTW are there any kids involved? Major complication if so. Wont even touch that here...

The general advice would be to tell your wife. it wont be pretty but let me tell you the relief of not having to keep the secret is great...

You're really stuck my man but you don't realize it due to the constant high from it.

 

PS If you DO PERSIST then do you have a secure 'system' for not getting caught? Look up user "Realist3" who will show you how its done (I'll get caned for that one for sure)

 

Man, affairs take SO MUCH EFFORT to maintain, besides the LIES....

I cant emphasize it enough ITS NOT WORTH IT.

 

If you don't want your wife, divorce her and chase single women. Much less stress and much more sex!

 

Dead man walking.

Good Luck. You will certainly need it.

[ComingInHot]

Ian1966, Man I don't know you BUT I ALREADY like you!!! I hope beyond HOPE that you stick around and tell your story a million times here to help others (even if that's just good ole' Wayne here) STOP and take inventory and Realize the REALITY of an A and ALL of its Consequences might Not be worth it!

 

"storms a'Brewin, isn't it?*

[ComingInHot]

the charade wrote, "Oh, Wayne. I'm feeling for ya. You're in a really tough situation, and you are handling the barrage of comments from all the betrayed wives posting here very, very well. I'm not saying they are wrong, but you aren't getting much compassion because most of the people answering you have never been in your shoes. (They've been cheated on, and they want to stop you.) You are going through tough, confusing, painful emotions, and I think it's great that you are reaching out for help or support, even if it's just on an anonymous online forum.

 

The way that you met this other woman does not bode well for your future. I think she's as messed up and confused and lonely as you if she's on a cheater's website, so don't idealize her or her marriage. She is NOT perfect. Her life is NOT perfect, so try to get her off that pedestal."

 

Ah, I don't know Charade, I think there have been some pretty compassionate posts/pleas & replies to Wayne by the BS's. (admittedly, I skipped a couple of page*), but comparatively speaking, Mr. Wayne's topic is (so far) being commented on quite respectfully*

 

And, ahhh, YES, I DO agree that the MOW in Wayne's A, well, to me (and you*) has got some seeeerious, Issues...

 

WAYNE, remind me again, Why don't you Divorce your Wife?

Are you "cool" with what You are doing To Her?

Are you keeping her now as "back-up"?

Are you "afraid" of being alone?

 

What's the issue again with coming clean and being honest? I forget.

[So happy together]

This is one of those affair fallacies. One can be very happy with their marriage, but very unhappy with themselves, to lead to cheating. Or simply have poor boundaries.

 

I'm sorry, I disagree. You can't be happy in a marriage if you are unhappy with yourself. Have you ever seen someone in a blissful marriage, fancy dinners, a close relationship with their spouse, cuddling on the sofa watching movies, taking the kids out for activities, being perfectly content and then saying ... I was happy in all of these circumstances but when it was over I realized I was depressed? Come on.

 

If you are unhappy with yourself, you are not going to be happy anywhere. So stop blaming the 'unhappy' thing. It doesn't matter why you are unhappy. You may have a strong marriage, you may love your spouse, you may have a satisfactory marriage, but if you are inherently unhappy, your marriage isn't happy either.

[So happy together]

thanks for your encouraging words. and for reminding me that she isn't perfect, in spite of my rose colored glasses right now.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I really, really appreciate the support.

 

Wayne, if you are unhappy in your M, wouldn't it be prudent to leave the M and let yourself and your wife find someone who will love each of you more fully?

 

MOW aside, who is cake eating by the way, you should take care of the M first.

 

As for MOW, if she's said she won't leave the M believe her.

 

Good luck.

[jlola]

I agree and disagree.

 

First of all, no spouse can make the other spouse happy 24/7. This is simply impossible.

 

No person in the planet can be perennially happy. The most happy person in the galaxy will eventually hit a rock and become unhappy. A healthy person gets through this phase without cheating.

 

Some people cheat when they are unhappy. Most of these cheaters are intrinsically unhappy and there is nothing the spouse can do.

 

 

Some married men and women are philanderers. Why do so many OWs tend to believe that the cheating is always due to a suboptimal betrayed spouse at home. Is this rationalization to justify the affair?

 

It is like saying an addict or alcoholic must be unhappy,so therefore they stay addicted. Yes, most are unhappy. But the unhappiness is due within themselves.. they have to deal with their issues. I have heard addicts can stop their addiction during stage of "infatuation". They then think this new person will keep them happy forever.

 

They do not know the problem lies within. And with certain people, the emotional issues are so deep, they cannot be helped. Every new person in an addicts life thinks they will be the one to fix the broken person, but it rarely happens. But the new people stay and stay and stay. The more time they have invested in "making life happy" and "showing them how good life can be" . The more likely they are not to give up and make all sorts of justifications.

 

It's like going to a casino and putting all of your money in a machine. You cannot walk away, because next time you pull the lever. Your rewards will finally come through. Happiness lies within. So true.

[So happy together]

I agree and disagree.

 

First of all, no spouse can make the other spouse happy 24/7. This is simply impossible.

 

No person in the planet can be perennially happy. The most happy person in the galaxy will eventually hit a rock and become unhappy. A healthy person gets through this phase without cheating.

 

Some people cheat when they are unhappy. Most of these cheaters are intrinsically unhappy and there is nothing the spouse can do.

 

 

Some married men and women are philanderers. Why do so many OWs tend to believe that the cheating is always due to a suboptimal betrayed spouse at home. Is this rationalization to justify the affair?

 

I agree with most. But I don't think it's always the spouse who is suboptimal. Lots of times it is the cheater who is suboptimal. They are still unhappy. You've sort of made my point. If they are unhappy, their marriage simply cannot be happy. In my case, I'm not going to lie, I think his stbx was not a bad person, but just... unhappy and doing things that made everyone around her unhappy also. The things I've said about her are not false. Of course, he played his role in that as well by not being more proactive, by being an enabler, etc. Those things and others have been addressed in therapy and he continues to work on himself. I take my part in the A also. I think there is a big difference between rationalization and reasoning.

[velvette]

I'm sorry, I disagree. You can't be happy in a marriage if you are unhappy with yourself. Have you ever seen someone in a blissful marriage, fancy dinners, a close relationship with their spouse, cuddling on the sofa watching movies, taking the kids out for activities, being perfectly content and then saying ... I was happy in all of these circumstances but when it was over I realized I was depressed? Come on.

 

If you are unhappy with yourself, you are not going to be happy anywhere. So stop blaming the 'unhappy' thing. It doesn't matter why you are unhappy. You may have a strong marriage, you may love your spouse, you may have a satisfactory marriage, but if you are inherently unhappy, your marriage isn't happy either.

 

Not true imo. First being depressed is a totally different animal than being unhappy. Second, lots of people are unhappy with parts of their lives but happy with their marriages. Third, not everyone who is unhappy about something takes it out on their spouse or the people around them. And finally most people are not totally happy or totally unhappy. These things ebb and flow for most people.

[So happy together]

Not true imo. First being depressed is a totally different animal than being unhappy. Second, lots of people are unhappy with parts of their lives but happy with their marriages. Third, not everyone who is unhappy about something takes it out on their spouse or the people around them. And finally most people are not totally happy or totally unhappy. These things ebb and flow for most people.

 

Let me clarify. I was not speaking of clinical depression, but more situational.

Second, I didn't say someone was unhappy with parts of their lives but happy in marriage. I said that if you are unhappy within you can't be happy in your marriage because you are just plain unhappy. I never said anything about taking unhappiness out on their spouses, but I'll disagree. I'll qualify the last sentence to say that people can be unhappy in their circumstances, and if it was an ebb and flow situation, things would repair themselves eventually on the upswing. It is when someone is unhappy a lot of the time and things don't get better that things get ugly. And it could be from internal or external stimuli.