365daysgone Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Does anyone else find this online dating thing to be a little nuts? I am using Plenty of Fish and of about 20 messages that I have sent to girls, one has replied. The website even openly tells you that when you send a message to someone you should be witty, or creative and mention common interests, etc. It just feels like I have to impress these princesses who have it all. Why does this have to be my initial message? I don't get what I am supposed to say. It's like, if I message you saying "hey, I think we have some common interests" or something like that, then they should look at my profile and confirm this and message me back. The fact that no one messages me back makes me think they get dozens of messages from guys each day. This makes me a little nauseous to know that these girls are like in a candy shop and just picking and choosing. And another thing...the one girl that messages me back seems really nice. So great! But I can't help but think she is messaging 10 other guys at the same time. I feel like I am sitting in a coffee shop with her for weeks with 9 other guys and if she wants to talk to someone other then me, I have to just sit there for a few days for my turn. The whole thing makes me realize how sick this world is. We are so vain and sleazy of a people, it makes me lose hope in humanity. This may seem extreme to say, but I mean really...you can't even give me the common courtesy of messaging me back? It feels like you have to be "good" at this website...Jesus Christ, I am sending a message to someone! Why do I need rules to do this? I have a good picture and a good bio. Now I have to be so witty with words to impress the girl? And don't bother relating this back to real life, because in real life, my initial interaction would probably be "hey". It seems a lot harder for guys than it probably is for girls on this site. I literally just want to make some friends on here. It's annoying.
KathyM Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Sorry, but that's the way OLD is. Like a candy store where people go to shop. It's competitive, but it's also a good way to meet people who you otherwise wouldn't meet IRL. But you will be competing with dozens of other guys, so if you can't handle that there will be competition, maybe OLD is not for you. With OLD, you need to develop a thick skin, be able to handle rejection, and realize that it IS a competition and you have to be OK with the fact that women will be meeting with and getting to know other guys at the same time as talking to you. That's the nature of the beast.
Philosoraptor Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Yes, females get a ton more messages than guys and have to choose who to message back. Some may not even have time to read all their messages. If you're going to put effort into OLD you need to be very selective about who you are going to message. A time back I used it and would get responses to almost all of my messages as I was very selective and weeded out many women. Then I would actually take the time to write a solid message. OLD is difficult for guys and gals have it hard as well weeding out the guys just trying to get into their pants. It's something frustrating on both ends and if you get too involved you're going to burn yourself out.
mammasita Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Honestly? Its not fair and it sucks - and I'm sure I'm often judged the same way..... I'm pickier on line than I am in person. I judge who I respond to based on my impression of their picture (80%) and what they say (20%).....sometimes screen name 100%. If their screen name has a "69" "thick" "wet" or something sexual - they can find another buttcrack to lick LOL. 2
StanMusial Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Does anyone else find this online dating thing to be a little nuts? I am using Plenty of Fish and of about 20 messages that I have sent to girls, one has replied. The website even openly tells you that when you send a message to someone you should be witty, or creative and mention common interests, etc. It just feels like I have to impress these princesses who have it all. Why does this have to be my initial message? I don't get what I am supposed to say. It's like, if I message you saying "hey, I think we have some common interests" or something like that, then they should look at my profile and confirm this and message me back. The fact that no one messages me back makes me think they get dozens of messages from guys each day. This makes me a little nauseous to know that these girls are like in a candy shop and just picking and choosing. And another thing...the one girl that messages me back seems really nice. So great! But I can't help but think she is messaging 10 other guys at the same time. I feel like I am sitting in a coffee shop with her for weeks with 9 other guys and if she wants to talk to someone other then me, I have to just sit there for a few days for my turn. The whole thing makes me realize how sick this world is. We are so vain and sleazy of a people, it makes me lose hope in humanity. This may seem extreme to say, but I mean really...you can't even give me the common courtesy of messaging me back? It feels like you have to be "good" at this website...Jesus Christ, I am sending a message to someone! Why do I need rules to do this? I have a good picture and a good bio. Now I have to be so witty with words to impress the girl? And don't bother relating this back to real life, because in real life, my initial interaction would probably be "hey". It seems a lot harder for guys than it probably is for girls on this site. I literally just want to make some friends on here. It's annoying. LOL. Dude, don't even worry about it. Delete your account and go somewhere and actually talk to girls. You actually get to interact with real life breathing females. Even if they don't like you or don't give you sex or whatever you're after, it's more fun, I promise. 1
Babolat Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Honestly? Its not fair and it sucks - and I'm sure I'm often judged the same way..... I'm pickier on line than I am in person. I judge who I respond to based on my impression of their picture (80%) and what they say (20%).....sometimes screen name 100%. If their screen name has a "69" "thick" "wet" or something sexual - they can find another buttcrack to lick LOL. When I did OLD a couple of years ago, my best guess is 75%+ of the women I met never read my profile, or skimmed it. Some even admitted to not really reading it, just looking at my pics. I would mention something about my profile, or they would ask me a question about something clearly in my profile.... It became a part time job for me, and I got lucky, the last women I met turned into a LTR. And she did read my profile and said my pics were OK.
soccerrprp Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Does anyone else find this online dating thing to be a little nuts? I am using Plenty of Fish and of about 20 messages that I have sent to girls, one has replied. The website even openly tells you that when you send a message to someone you should be witty, or creative and mention common interests, etc. It just feels like I have to impress these princesses who have it all. Why does this have to be my initial message? I don't get what I am supposed to say. It's like, if I message you saying "hey, I think we have some common interests" or something like that, then they should look at my profile and confirm this and message me back. The fact that no one messages me back makes me think they get dozens of messages from guys each day. This makes me a little nauseous to know that these girls are like in a candy shop and just picking and choosing. And another thing...the one girl that messages me back seems really nice. So great! But I can't help but think she is messaging 10 other guys at the same time. I feel like I am sitting in a coffee shop with her for weeks with 9 other guys and if she wants to talk to someone other then me, I have to just sit there for a few days for my turn. The whole thing makes me realize how sick this world is. We are so vain and sleazy of a people, it makes me lose hope in humanity. This may seem extreme to say, but I mean really...you can't even give me the common courtesy of messaging me back? It feels like you have to be "good" at this website...Jesus Christ, I am sending a message to someone! Why do I need rules to do this? I have a good picture and a good bio. Now I have to be so witty with words to impress the girl? And don't bother relating this back to real life, because in real life, my initial interaction would probably be "hey". It seems a lot harder for guys than it probably is for girls on this site. I literally just want to make some friends on here. It's annoying. Started with the witty, poetic emails at first. It was a waste of time. I went to simply asking if they'd like to chat and maybe a line in reference to their profile. I got more responses that way. I'm sure it was coincidence, but most women are going to respond whether you are witty or not based on your looks, education, #kids then by your profile anyway it seems. If they are not attracted to you, no amount of wittiness is going to compel them to contact you. But, in saying that, if you are borderline, a witty comment may win her over...that's happened to me (best woman I've met so far from OLD ). 1
BreakOnThrough Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 When I did the online thing wayyy back, it took honing my pics down, eventually going from a 1/20 return rate to about 1/5. I learned that my profile text didn't matter at all, it's all about the pics online. Put your pics on beautifulpeople.com, see which ones comes back the highest rated, go from there.
PlumPrincess Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 OLD is a sharper, harsher mirror of the truth of dating realities for men. All the same principles apply to normal non OLD dating, men just don't see them as starkly. Use OLD to learn given realities and make a plan to use them to your advantage, not allow them to stall you due to stewing over things you can't change. It's not "fair," dating and mating never has been fair. We simply have to deal with that and tilt the scale back our way, which is entirely doable. There are many, many threads here on OLD techniques, dig into them. Good luck. It's the same for women. 1
Sweetgirl28 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Does anyone else find this online dating thing to be a little nuts? I am using Plenty of Fish and of about 20 messages that I have sent to girls, one has replied. The website even openly tells you that when you send a message to someone you should be witty, or creative and mention common interests, etc. It just feels like I have to impress these princesses who have it all. Why does this have to be my initial message? I don't get what I am supposed to say. It's like, if I message you saying "hey, I think we have some common interests" or something like that, then they should look at my profile and confirm this and message me back. The fact that no one messages me back makes me think they get dozens of messages from guys each day. This makes me a little nauseous to know that these girls are like in a candy shop and just picking and choosing. And another thing...the one girl that messages me back seems really nice. So great! But I can't help but think she is messaging 10 other guys at the same time. I feel like I am sitting in a coffee shop with her for weeks with 9 other guys and if she wants to talk to someone other then me, I have to just sit there for a few days for my turn. The whole thing makes me realize how sick this world is. We are so vain and sleazy of a people, it makes me lose hope in humanity. This may seem extreme to say, but I mean really...you can't even give me the common courtesy of messaging me back? It feels like you have to be "good" at this website...Jesus Christ, I am sending a message to someone! Why do I need rules to do this? I have a good picture and a good bio. Now I have to be so witty with words to impress the girl? And don't bother relating this back to real life, because in real life, my initial interaction would probably be "hey". It seems a lot harder for guys than it probably is for girls on this site. I literally just want to make some friends on here. It's annoying. I was on POF too but recently deleted my profile. I have never met anyone off that website but I did talk to a few guys that seemed interesting. Dating websites are just not the best places to meet new people because you'll have to "share" the ones you like until you get some kind of exclusivity from them. That usually takes a looooong time though.
StanMusial Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Honestly? Its not fair and it sucks - and I'm sure I'm often judged the same way..... I'm pickier on line than I am in person. I judge who I respond to based on my impression of their picture (80%) and what they say (20%).....sometimes screen name 100%. If their screen name has a "69" "thick" "wet" or something sexual - they can find another buttcrack to lick LOL. Why do you think you're pickier online than in person?
white Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 It's terrible and disastrous for your very soul and you should get off it. Focus on widening your social life instead. Start this week. Hit up your friends for a night out. Ask any platonic female friends you have if they want to come. Invite the neighbour you've only ever said Hi to on the stairs round for coffee. Fire off Facebook messages to your old buddies you haven't spoken to for 5 or ten years seeing what they're about next week and if you're welcome. Those are all healthy, positive actions that will see real change in your life even if it starts small. OLD, just... **** it in its stupid ass. 1
Skyraider829 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) White has a direct and blunt point to be understood. He's right. Online dating is too universal, there isn't enough one-to-one interaction and correspondence between people. Its a mix of pick-and-choose when there is little about yourself that you can actually show over the internet. You cannot portray your personality, traits and behavior that well over the web, you just can't. It has its benefits, but if you really want to meet people and mingle you need to get out and do it, go outside and strike up conversations, go to social events and the like. Online dating gets old quickly. I see it as more of a social fad than anything else. No, the world isn't full of vain and sleazy people. You're looking at a minute, infinitesimal fraction of the whole. I'm sure there a few of the folks on OLD sites that aren't the absolute best, hence that could be why they retreated to online dating. Edited August 19, 2013 by Skyraider829
Author 365daysgone Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 White has a direct and blunt point to be understood. He's right. Online dating is too universal, there isn't enough one-to-one interaction and correspondence between people. Its a mix of pick-and-choose when there is little about yourself that you can actually show over the internet. You cannot portray your personality, traits and behavior that well over the web, you just can't. It has its benefits, but if you really want to meet people and mingle you need to get out and do it, go outside and strike up conversations, go to social events and the like. Online dating gets old quickly. I see it as more of a social fad than anything else. No, the world isn't full of vain and sleazy people. You're looking at a minute, infinitesimal fraction of the whole. I'm sure there a few of the folks on OLD sites that aren't the absolute best, hence that could be why they retreated to online dating. Well all I want to do is briefly chat online and then meet them for a coffee because I realize that people are very different online compared to in person. But when no one responds, it is very hard to get anywhere.
PlumPrincess Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) What realities would those be, that even moderately below average women have 10x the opportunities and options that average and even well above average men outside the top 5-10% of men have? That average men have to be 10x as diligent and consistent in improving themselves in attractiveness, career and other areas as average women do in order to have any degree of dating success? Restating, those are given realities for men to be learned from and worked with, not to be mulled over and stewed over endlessly. Doesn't change the truth of them though. Come on, you can do better than being one of those whiny dudes. Average women don't get approached either and when I'm on an online dating site guys my age totally ignore me. They hardly bother to check my profile. In real life, all kinds of guys are interested in me, and often they are younger than I am. I seriously hope that guys who go online are different than the guys you meet in real life, because my opinion of men drastically sank when I started online dating. To me it looks as if guys who do online dating have zero ideas about women, a very distorted self-image and extremely unrealistic expectations. How many men are really interested in improving themselves anyway? If they do, they end up feeling bitter and resentful towards women, just like you. Or they continue whining why all the 10+ women prefer slim men with a college degree, some confidence and a sense of humor and don't want a chubby couch potato with no hobbies and unrealistic expectations about his future girlfriend. Tell me, don't you think there are some posters here whom you would like to give a kick in the butt and tell to pull themselves together? Edited August 19, 2013 by PlumPrincess
JourneyLady Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) I've just gone off POF and OKC myself. Turned off the profiles. I've met two people off there - one turned into a very good friend that I finally decided to meet. There was a lot of iffyness as to whether things could work between us, but when he wanted to stick his tongue down my throat at the end of the first date, I had to say "no match". I felt bad. He really is a sweet person otherwise, but our online conversations (when I was really down and looking for a cheer up) kinda got in his way and made him think I was freer sexually than I really am. That is, what I told him I enjoy was in the context of "in a relationship"... and we were not yet in one. So we remain friends from afar. We had really good solid conversations going back and forth to begin with. One I think was a catfish. He claimed he wanted to meet but there was always an excuse and for a while he disappeared. When I logged on to turn my profile off, there was a message from him "Where have you been? I miss talking to you." ???? Seriously, he had several chances to meet and blew them all! The last was a decent guy but I met him when I was distraught about the ex-bf and that's never a good idea. Probably I was not what he was looking for anyhow. Then there's a bunch that keep up with the "Hi how's your day?" every other day. They don't ask me about anything in MY profile. If their profile was extensive enough, I do ask them about something in theirs. But if after three or four hellos, they haven't suggested at least meeting for a brief chat to see if there's any potential, it gets annoying. There will be at least three who think I was rude to not answer. But I was turning off the profile and just was feeling not ready after that 1st date with my "friend" so I just shut it down. What I want to see - a FULL profile with descriptions of what you like to do in your spare time, hobbies, belief systems, family, etc. If you just sit around and watch tv a lot, I'm not going to be interested. I'm busy working on myself through spiritual reading and podcasts and would have welcomed a meditation partner. (I know that sounds funny, but it's easier to keep to meditation when it's scheduled with someone else.) But for the 15 guys that messaged me, only two were interested in spiritual/wholistic pursuits. One with the tongue... the other probably rather above my level educationally and fitness wise. I find it hard to be interested in guys where their only photo is with sunglasses on. I read people through their eyes a good deal. I want to see if they have spark or personality. Can't see that in a photo without the eyes. So there's some feedback. READ the full profile and strike up a conversation based on that, if you are looking for something special. A rapid fire "hi how are ya" several times a week comes off to me, at least, as "I'll date anyone and I just want to see how eager you are." The men who message me decently get special treatment and get "just for them" messages back. If we get through six paragraphs, I'm more than likely willing to meet. There were several that, if they did not live more than 2 hours away, I would have... I'll be back in there when my life settles down and I am convinced there are enough new good profiles to make it worthwhile. In the meantime, I have decided to trust fate. And I wasn't looking for slim and fit, believe it or not. I go for the Teddy Bears, but ones with some hobbies, interest in spiritual pursuits or creativity. Something other than motorcycles, sports and muscle cars, please! I'm .. looking for someone kind. Edited August 19, 2013 by JourneyLady wrong pronoun, extras
Skyraider829 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Well all I want to do is briefly chat online and then meet them for a coffee because I realize that people are very different online compared to in person. But when no one responds, it is very hard to get anywhere. You pegged the pitfalls of online dating.
PlumPrincess Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 1. I am not the topic of this thread, you don't know me, I don't know you. 2. Nothing in my posts to this thread suggests bitterness and resentfulness, quite the opposite, learning to turn given realities to advantage is not "bitterness." 3. I am perfectly content with the degree of control and mastery I've learned in life re women and dating. And in light of what you typed out above, not going to reply to anything else you said in the post. Sorry, didn't want to make you feel bad. But do you sound a bit like that in other posts and you do seem to ignore that it can also be hard for women (although you do not strike me as a crazy woman hater, especially recently (but recently a lot of guys here seem to be awfully reasonable and nice towards women )). I can totally understand that it's hard for men. I've also sent messages to women sometimes, because I liked something in their profile and thought we could have a nice chat or because they claimed they were interested in making new female friends. I think 50 % ignored me, no kidding.
Author 365daysgone Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 The more I use this website, the more I laugh. It feels like such a game. It just feels like such a candy shop. Would you guys say girls are more interested in pictures or the info? What about in real life? Do girls care more about looks or personality?
white Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 You can't generalise like that. There is no "women" there is just "woman", lots of them. Same for men. And even then, everyone changes as they age, and even then, everyone has different days. The woman who wanted pretty boys her whole life can find herself charmed like she never has been, by an average bloke with bags under his eyes, 5 day stubble and a sharp wit. And the woman who swears blind she loves a man for his intellect can get swept off her feet by a handsome dumbass. Having said all this, on OLD, unquestionably, looks. Not even looks - pictures. Artsy B+W, shots on surfboards, perfect angles and lighting, pearly white smiles, perfectly modelled hair, on trend clothes. It's a menu and they just scroll through for the tastiest looking thing.
Author 365daysgone Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) You can't generalise like that. There is no "women" there is just "woman", lots of them. Same for men. And even then, everyone changes as they age, and even then, everyone has different days. The woman who wanted pretty boys her whole life can find herself charmed like she never has been, by an average bloke with bags under his eyes, 5 day stubble and a sharp wit. And the woman who swears blind she loves a man for his intellect can get swept off her feet by a handsome dumbass. Having said all this, on OLD, unquestionably, looks. Not even looks - pictures. Artsy B+W, shots on surfboards, perfect angles and lighting, pearly white smiles, perfectly modelled hair, on trend clothes. It's a menu and they just scroll through for the tastiest looking thing. Is it just me or do you find anything sick about this? I mean, I scroll down tge page and as long as they are somewhat attractive, I will click on their profile. But then I READ it in order to decide whether or not to send a message. The girls that go by pictures alone seem like shallow morons. Edited August 19, 2013 by 365daysgone
salparadise Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 My experience tell me that women do read the profiles, and if you figure out how to appeal to a particular type and make it interesting enough they will contact you. I don't send out many first messages anymore, and I don't respond to all of the ones that are sent to me. I have two out-of-town dates set up for this coming weekend and the one after, and a couple more with timing not specified, and I met someone new last night. All of them either sent the first message to me or favorited me, which is basically saying send me a message. Here's the first couple of sentences from a message I got a week ago... "OMG, I could so date you! I really enjoyed reading your profile and also all the questions you answered. I laughed out loud at several of your answers. Also, in your profile I was thinking, "He's looking for the same thing I'M looking for!" It has taken awhile but I've got it working for me now, and I guarantee you it's not just about the pics. Of course I'm after the 40-50ish age range but I don't think that changes things drastically.
white Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Is it just me or do you find anything sick about this? I mean, I scroll down tge page and as long as they are somewhat attractive, I will click on their profile. But then I READ it in order to decide whether or not to send a message. The girls that go by pictures alone seem like shallow morons. I do find it sick. I went into it with optimism and an open mind and it got closed like the door on a nuclear bunker. I never got messaged at all and I had a profile better than anyone I read. I already have very wide tastes in what I find physically attractive but I widened it further, quite frankly to those who I didn't even find attractive, just looking for a response, with mounting incredulity. I messaged exclusively on the basis of profiles, sorting for interests - most girls barely write a sentence and most of those who write more merely talk about "travel - clubs - being a fun girl looking for a nice guy" ad infinitum et nauseam. I got 3 replies in 50 messages, 2 of which were crazy hostile. I find the whole thing inexplicable, I feel like I've been trolled to be honest. It's made me quite unhappy and I remove **** like that from my life, so. I meant it about your soul. Give it up and find another way.
henderson14 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I don't think its that easy for girls to find a decent guy on there either. Most girls I've known who have used it, it never worked out for them and they stayed single for a long time. I don't think it works for anyone really. I only know of one person who it has worked for out of many. Male or Female.
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