localokie Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 The hardest thing about this is I don't have anyone that I feel I can discuss this with. All of my close friends, whose opinions and advice I would seek, have become her mutual friends and if our relationship continues, I don't want to have exposed all of those people to this thus making it more difficult to have a relationship with my supposed to be wife. So, I'm looking for help from you all- I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We have been engaged for 3 months and are to be wed next March. She has a now 10 year old son who I am a step father to and the only father figure he has ever known. Infidelity has never been an issue in our past with each other as far as I have known. The other night, we were invited to go see some of her friends at a new bar they are working at. No one was available to watch our son so I offered to take him on a twilight deer scout for the upcoming bow season and afterward a night golfing excursion. We played a par 3 course and returned to pick up his mother and her female friend. I went inside to get them and my fiance was completely wasted after 3 hours at the bar, much to my surprise. I watched as she tabbed out and guided everyone to the door. After reaching the car, the two decided they needed to use the restroom and returned for a few minutes and reemerged soon there after. As she was walking out, she hugged who I now know to be the bar owner and began to walk away when he said something and she turned around, put her arm around his neck, and kissed him while he grabbed her ass. I sat completely speechless, considering getting out and completely wrecking the prick.... and would have, had her son not been with me. The rest of the evening included me having to help her to bed and sleeping on the couch in severe anger. When I asked her about what the hell she was doing, she says that she doesn't remember anything and is crying hysterically and begging me to forgive her. I left all the next day and went fishing and golfing by myself, just trying to calm down and get my head straight. Here's the problem. I drank more than my share in college and I don't believe that someone DOES NOT know what they are doing just because they are drunk. I think the alcohol just gives people the reckless abandon to do as they please because intoxication removes the ability to draw the lines between actions and consequences. I have never been so mad or hurt in my life. And now other things starting to eat at me. Every time she drinks, she is flirty and huggy with everyone and tends to take pictures with the entire bar. And, worse yet, she seldom drinks with me. So, I am wondering how many other things like this may have been before. The saying goes that drunk actions are sober thoughts, and that's what has me so messed up. I will also add that the entire time we have been together, I have only seen her drunk 6-7 times. We are not big drinkers and seldom go to bars. How do you ever trust someone like this again? She has sworn off alcohol and ever going out without me and confessed her undying love, but I don't think being drunk makes you forget about the fact that you are supposed to be a taken woman. It makes me even more angry that while I was being responsible and caring for her son while allowing her to go have fun, she managed to throw 4 years of trust and respect in the trash in one evening. And, unlike many of the other posts I have read on here, she did not confess later in a ball of tears as it seems many do. I saw it with my own eyes. Had I not been there, I would never have known about it, being that she was "So drunk I can't even remember." Other than giving up alcohol and nights out alone... what else is there? Is it possible this was a one time thing? Or, is this a statement about how seriously she takes our relationship, respects me, and is willing and able to commit and make quality choices for a family? It wasn't a deep kiss or passionate, but the fact that she let him grab her and kiss her at all is a major mental issue for me. I'm supposed to spend my life with her. I need to hear some other opinions, I'm losing my mind right now- Thanks
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Well, if I were you, I would definitely put the wedding on hold. I mean, How can you stand at the alter and listen to her profess her loyalty and fidelity to you in front of friends, family and God when you just caught her kissing some other dude and even allowed him to grope her ass infront of you? You definitely need to put the wedding on hold. 1
Keenly Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Alcohol is never an excuse. People will not do something drunk that they are not capable of sober. 2
Sneaky Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I read your story and I feel for you, I can't imagine how much that must have hurt. I don't have the best advice on what to do, it is obvious that she means a lot to you so in the end no one can make the decision for you. What I do know is that black outs can happen when drunk as I've experienced one myself once; I woke up in a different house on the other side of town than where I started the evening before and was missing my underpants... moving on; I'm not saying a black out definitely happened in her situation, but it is possible. Honestly the only thing I can advice is that you don't make a rash decision and take some time to cool off and judge whether you can work toward forgiving her if she does as promised. I hope this situation improves for you.
Legatus Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I was drunk few times in my life while I was in a relationship. There were options to do "bad" things all the time. But I've never let anyone even touch me, nor did I touch anyone in my life. Alcohol - never an excuse. The problem is that she claims not to remember, who knows what other things she doesn't remember? I wouldn't allow such things if she was my girlfriend, not to mention fiancé. I mean she already declared herself to you, her life. Don't make any decisions right now, but don't let her constant pleading influence you too much. You may give her a chance but for some time, patiently wait to see if there are any other red flags. don't tell her you're gonna watch. Let her behave normally, only that way you can asses whether there are more red flags.
JDPT Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) I must say that I feel sorry for you specially since you are in the middle of wedding plans. Alcohol is never an excuse, what would she have done if they were perhaps in a different setting with you not around? I think the "promise" of her staying away from alcohol or going out is a mere desperate attempt at subduing what she did. If you think about this, that man and her appear to have a friendly relationship doing what they did while they were intoxicated. I'm not certain that you just randomly kiss and grab a girl's ass simply because you are drunk and have no prior experience with that person. And her being friendly with everyone at the bar is something that I simply do not condone. You need to think long and hard about how you will like to proceed. Edited August 19, 2013 by JDPT
bubbaganoosh Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 The hardest thing about this is I don't have anyone that I feel I can discuss this with. All of my close friends, whose opinions and advice I would seek, have become her mutual friends and if our relationship continues, I don't want to have exposed all of those people to this thus making it more difficult to have a relationship with my supposed to be wife. So, I'm looking for help from you all- I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We have been engaged for 3 months and are to be wed next March. She has a now 10 year old son who I am a step father to and the only father figure he has ever known. Infidelity has never been an issue in our past with each other as far as I have known. The other night, we were invited to go see some of her friends at a new bar they are working at. No one was available to watch our son so I offered to take him on a twilight deer scout for the upcoming bow season and afterward a night golfing excursion. We played a par 3 course and returned to pick up his mother and her female friend. I went inside to get them and my fiance was completely wasted after 3 hours at the bar, much to my surprise. I watched as she tabbed out and guided everyone to the door. After reaching the car, the two decided they needed to use the restroom and returned for a few minutes and reemerged soon there after. As she was walking out, she hugged who I now know to be the bar owner and began to walk away when he said something and she turned around, put her arm around his neck, and kissed him while he grabbed her ass. I sat completely speechless, considering getting out and completely wrecking the prick.... and would have, had her son not been with me. The rest of the evening included me having to help her to bed and sleeping on the couch in severe anger. When I asked her about what the hell she was doing, she says that she doesn't remember anything and is crying hysterically and begging me to forgive her. I left all the next day and went fishing and golfing by myself, just trying to calm down and get my head straight. Here's the problem. I drank more than my share in college and I don't believe that someone DOES NOT know what they are doing just because they are drunk. I think the alcohol just gives people the reckless abandon to do as they please because intoxication removes the ability to draw the lines between actions and consequences. I have never been so mad or hurt in my life. And now other things starting to eat at me. Every time she drinks, she is flirty and huggy with everyone and tends to take pictures with the entire bar. And, worse yet, she seldom drinks with me. So, I am wondering how many other things like this may have been before. The saying goes that drunk actions are sober thoughts, and that's what has me so messed up. I will also add that the entire time we have been together, I have only seen her drunk 6-7 times. We are not big drinkers and seldom go to bars. How do you ever trust someone like this again? She has sworn off alcohol and ever going out without me and confessed her undying love, but I don't think being drunk makes you forget about the fact that you are supposed to be a taken woman. It makes me even more angry that while I was being responsible and caring for her son while allowing her to go have fun, she managed to throw 4 years of trust and respect in the trash in one evening. And, unlike many of the other posts I have read on here, she did not confess later in a ball of tears as it seems many do. I saw it with my own eyes. Had I not been there, I would never have known about it, being that she was "So drunk I can't even remember." Other than giving up alcohol and nights out alone... what else is there? Is it possible this was a one time thing? Or, is this a statement about how seriously she takes our relationship, respects me, and is willing and able to commit and make quality choices for a family? It wasn't a deep kiss or passionate, but the fact that she let him grab her and kiss her at all is a major mental issue for me. I'm supposed to spend my life with her. I need to hear some other opinions, I'm losing my mind right now- Thanks You said every time she drinks she's flirty and huggy with everyone and tends to take pictures with everyone at the bar. Yet she's only been drunk 6 or 7 times and she seldom drinks with you. So in other words IMO she doesn't need to be drunk to "Flaunt". The problem is you let her get away with it. When she's flirting with other guys and your standing there with you thumb up your ass, this stuff happens. Maybe if you would have stepped up to the plate and told her that she can't handle her booze and either curb the amount or not drink at all. There's nothing wrong with going out and a few drinks but when the booze starts taking over her judgement then she has a problem and so do you. My advice is until she can act like the respectable woman you expect from her, then don't walk the aisle with her. It's your life. That what you want? 1
supaflyz Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 What I learn from relationships is that you need to do something before it gets to bad man. Don't hold off on it. If you hold it all in then you are going to only explode when you guys talk because you have been holding all of those feelings in. She was at fault. I don't know but I think all of your trust is gone or part of it. It's very hard to regain that trust. My ex did something that lost my trust. I could never really trust her for the rest of the relationship and that is why it ended. I don't know, but my advice is to take some time for yourself and rethink the whole situation. A kiss now could probably lead to something more later on the road. It just suck that you did everything for this woman and even take care of a kid that isn't yours. There aren't a lot of guys that will date or want to get married to single moms now. Think hard before you get into a marriage with her. You have your investment, money, and heart to think of. Best of luck to you my friend.
drifter777 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 OP: also check your duplicate thread in the "Cheating" forum. You are getting lots of feedback from both threads and pretty much all of it is telling you to dump and run.
Author localokie Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Just wanted to say thanks for everyone taking the time to post responses. It definitely helps to see and hear all of the different point of views (even though some burn and make you see what a puss I was) and I'm starting to think more clearly about what my plans are. To everyone that has posted so far- I sincerely appreciate it.
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