The Curse of Cynicism

[tofufingers]

Hey there! I just made an account because I really need to help with my relationship. This is pretty long so I apologize in advance.

 

I am a 19 year old female with a history of General/Social Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am currently starting my 3rd year of University and have lived in California my whole life. Writing this out makes me sound like I have pretty screwed up brain chemistry, but I assure you that I am basically your typical teen born in the 90's with a neglectful mother and with a huge dose of daddy issues.

 

Now, onto my relationship. I have "talked" with many guys, but I have only had 3 boyfriends. The first was when I was in 10th grade; I was in love with the idea of love at the time (but I didn't really care for him) and I soon realized that this poor guy deserved better. My second boyfriend and I dated when I was in 11th grade. We broke up when I was about to begin my senior year and he left for college. While we were dating, I became a hopeless romantic. I've always been one, but I never allowed myself to "believe" in anything until he came along. When he left, I was devastated and very depressed for about 2 years. I completely withdrew and became a complete failure; I couldn't bring myself to do anything which added to my devastation. No longer was I just depressed, but I was also disappointed with myself. It got so bad that I would wake up at 3am and hear my grandma or my aunt crying for me and praying that I can find myself and my strength again.

 

I was always a very "good girl" up until my breakup. I began to be reckless. I snuck alcohol into my room and would get drunk, I began to smoke marijuana, and I would sneak out into the night to see a particular boy. At the time, I was 17 and this guy was 24. I never really thought too much about him, he was just someone I could escape to. We were never sexual until one night; after that night, he became my booty call. He, however, did not only see me that way: he began to fall in love with me. For the following year, he chased me romantically. His timing couldn't be worse for I was so immersed in college life that I completely forgot about him.

 

After my first year in college, I gave him a chance to see me again. It took a lot of pleading, but I finally resolved that he would be really great to me. And... he really is. He is such a sweetheart and gentleman. He is really rare person, but this is why it makes me so sad.

 

We have been dating for a little over a year. He tries so hard for me, but I can't seem to invest in the relationship like he does. I am conflicted by, "I really like him and we will last if we tried" and, "Sometimes he really pushes my buttons, and I don't know how much I can take." I miss how I used to be. Its as if my hopeless romantic has fled in fear that she won't be accepted and loved anymore, like in the past.

 

I want to be good to him, and its not as if I am short of love for him either. I just have such a huge disconnect in trying to SHOW him that I love him. And sometimes, the burden is so great that I just want to leave him and start over (with him; as if I could turn back time). Its a poison... Everyday, I wonder if I will survive and I hope that my terrible actions won't make him stop loving me, but at the same time, I think that his love for me will probably kill him in due time. I am a terribly complicated person and, in the end, I am just mad at myself for not being able to fix myself for someone who has worked so hard for me. I have even hit him on a couple occasions. Its as if I am subconsciously putting my worse foot forward to force him to flee me.

 

I don't want that, but I also want relief from my perpetual anguish. It seems that those two desires clash. I don't know where to go from here. I so desperately want to become full of love like how I used to be, but I am disappointed with my performance every single day. Its a vicious cycle that I put myself in, and I really need help getting out. I do not lack self-awareness, and that may be my curse: I am a little too hard on myself. I also understand why I am the way I am (double major in psychology and English lit) but I feel stuck and suffocated. Understanding is not enough for me, I need guidance, but I don't have anyone to ask in my personal life.

 

I am everyone else's rock, so no one knows how deeply broken I am. For my sake and everyone else's, I need to be strong again. Can anyone give me some insight on how to do that?

[Philosoraptor]

You're so caught up living in the past that you are taking forgranted the present. There is zero you can do to change what has happened already and no way to turn back time. Concentrate on the moment and realize that is the only thing you will ever have control over. Be your best for yourself, and for him, in every moment you live.

 

Every moment you spend worrying about how you felt before or what you did before is a moment you waste not allowing yourself to be happy right now.

 

You made choices in the past and you need to accept and live with them. But don't let something from the past ruin your present.

 

"You made the choice, and it was uncoerced. For you to question such a choice is not simply useless, but harmful. Such doubts will chain the mind to an endless circle of pointless speculation and self-recrimination. You should prepare yourself to live with the consequences of your decisions, whatever they may be."

- Vergere

[Emilia]

Hey there! I just made an account because I really need to help with my relationship. This is pretty long so I apologize in advance.

 

I am a 19 year old female with a history of General/Social Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.

Who diagnosed you? 19 is very young to be diagnosed with a personality disorder.

[tofufingers]

Who diagnosed you? 19 is very young to be diagnosed with a personality disorder.

 

I was diagnosed by a therapist who was referred to me by my family doctor who firstly gave me an "interview" on the issue, and we got a second opinion by a psychiatist. This process took about 2 years, and I was finally officially diagnosed a couple of months ago. The psychiatrist offered to medicate me but I refused. I have been forced to see many counselors and my family tried to enroll me in psychotherapy but I was not exactly ready for that.

 

Instead, I am now working through "The Angry Heart" self-help book to ease my anxiety about my issues.

[tofufingers]

You're so caught up living in the past that you are taking forgranted the present. There is zero you can do to change what has happened already and no way to turn back time. Concentrate on the moment and realize that is the only thing you will ever have control over. Be your best for yourself, and for him, in every moment you live.

 

Every moment you spend worrying about how you felt before or what you did before is a moment you waste not allowing yourself to be happy right now.

 

You made choices in the past and you need to accept and live with them. But don't let something from the past ruin your present.

 

"You made the choice, and it was uncoerced. For you to question such a choice is not simply useless, but harmful. Such doubts will chain the mind to an endless circle of pointless speculation and self-recrimination. You should prepare yourself to live with the consequences of your decisions, whatever they may be."

- Vergere

 

Thank you for this comment and the quote. It helps for me to have someone outside of my situation say this to me. However, this is not something that I don't already know. I don't know what it means to forgive myself and let go. I have searched all over the web and even asked some family members how to do it, but no one can explain it to me in a way that I understand.

[Emilia]

I was diagnosed by a therapist who was referred to me by my family doctor who firstly gave me an "interview" on the issue, and we got a second opinion by a psychiatist. This process took about 2 years, and I was finally officially diagnosed a couple of months ago. The psychiatrist offered to medicate me but I refused. I have been forced to see many counselors and my family tried to enroll me in psychotherapy but I was not exactly ready for that.

 

Instead, I am now working through "The Angry Heart" self-help book to ease my anxiety about my issues.

So the psychiatrist told you that you have BPD?

[tofufingers]

So the psychiatrist told you that you have BPD?

 

Yes sorry, I did not write that very clearly. My family doctor referred me to a therapist who told me that I should get a clinical diagnoses by a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist officially diagnosed me, and he wanted to medicate me for my depression so that psychotherapy would be effective if I was willing to do it.

I was told that he normally does not recommend medication for a girl my age, but I have a history of self-harm and a few failed suicide attempts and he did not want psychotherapy to "push me over to the edge" and resort to more self-harm.

[Philosoraptor]

Thank you for this comment and the quote. It helps for me to have someone outside of my situation say this to me. However, this is not something that I don't already know. I don't know what it means to forgive myself and let go. I have searched all over the web and even asked some family members how to do it, but no one can explain it to me in a way that I understand.

Find patience and peace within yourself. Vow to do better in the future and do so. Then you can hang your hat on the progress you've made and the good deeds you have done.

 

Forgiveness can take time, but it can not occur without action. Do good, do for others, and you will find more happiness in your heart.

[ChessPieceFace]

- Get counseling for your issues

- Fantasy romance is fleeting; real love is long-term. If you cling to romance-novel ideas about love and expect it to be like that most of the time, you'll probably have a miserable lonely life.