Controversial dating situation - would love your

[jussie]

I have a dating situation that I was in recently, and I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I know there are a lot of opinions about whether it's ok to 1) call dibs on a guy/girl so that your friends can't date him/her, and 2) dating two men/women who are friends with each other. In the end, I'm no longer friends with my girl friend, and I didn't get the guy either, but I feel I did the right thing. Please read about the situation below and let me know your opinion. Thanks!

 

___________

 

Last Friday night, I went speed-dating with a girl friend Camylle who had a Groupon for the event. (In the past, I have not gone speed-dating because I don't feel good about the fact that someone is making a snap judgment about me in 4 minutes or less about whether they want to spend time with me. Also, I read an article that said researchers found that men's strategy in speed-dating is to say yes to everyone they meet and then choose from those who also said yes to them, which I found to be a terrible waste of my time. But that is neither here nor there.)

 

At the event, there was one guy Chris who said he wanted to talk to me after the event concluded, which I agreed to, but I wasn't sure if he was serious. In the end, he actually did make a beeline for my table and made sure to get a hold of me. We talked for a hour, but in the beginning of our conversation, Camylle said goodbye to me (she was meeting some other friends of ours) and I told her I would contact her later about our Friday plans, as we are supposed to hang out this Friday. (I believe it was very clear from this interaction that Camylle and I are friends. Keep this in mind for later.) After my conversation with Chris, he asked for my number, which I gave, and said he would like to see me later this week, which I agreed to. I really liked Chris because it seemed like we got along very well and had quite a bit more in common than I initially thought. I also felt it was a "big deal" that he tracked me down after the event to make sure he got my number and talk to me a bit.

 

Yesterday, Chris called me and we set up a date for this Thursday night. After the phone call, I decided to text Camylle and ask her how the speed-dating went. I also told her about Chris and that I really liked him, and I also told her I didn't get any responses from any other men at the event. She told me that Chris had also contacted her and that there was mutual interest there, but that she would back off because I liked him. I said thanks. But a few minutes later, I got another text from Camylle saying, "I mean, do you really like him that much?" which I thought was weird. I texted back yes, but I'm not going to tell you not to pursue him if you like him. And then she said, yeah, but that would be very awkward. Long story short, she reneged on her initial statement to back off. I asked her, what do you plan to do? And she said that she had no plan, but that she didn't want this to become an issue, however she didn't want to let go of someone she had enjoyed talking to over the past couple days.

 

Very much compelled to do this because of my anxiety, I decided to call Chris to discuss this with him so I could quell the anxiety and resolve the situation. Though I felt it was quite clear that Camylle was my friend, Chris claimed he didn't know we were friends, which I think is a load of BS. During my conversation with him last Friday night, he even suggested meeting up this Friday, but then backtracked because he remembered that I was going out with Camylle! I presented the situation as saying that I didn't want to jeopardize my friendship with Camylle and that this was an awkward situation that I wanted to resolve, and I told him, "I'm not going to go on a date with you Thursday if you plan on pursuing Camylle because it makes me uncomfortable knowing you are dating me and my friend at the same time." He kept repeating, "wow, I feel really bad and awkward about all this, I've never been in this situation before; I don't really know what to say." And then proceeded to tell me about a similar situation where he and a friend both liked the same girl and it was awkward for a time, but he got over it and 20 years later they are still very good friends. It was very clear that he didn't want to choose between me and Camylle, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He tried to persuade me by saying, "Why don't you think about it for a couple days, and I'll keep Thursday open for you, and if you feel differently about it then we can go out." I told him that I know myself well enough that I'm not going to feel differently in a couple days. He also said, "Have you thought about the fact that maybe Camylle and I will just go on one date and we'll decide that it's not a good match?" I said that I had thought about that, but I also thought about other scenarios in which he eventually chose her over me, and that I did not feel good about that possibility, which is why I wanted to resolve the situation now rather than wait to see what happens. During our phone conversation I found out the following: he called Camylle about an hour after he called me, and set up at date with her for Wednesday after he set up the date with me for Thursday; I believe this was also around the same time I was texting Camylle and based on the timing of everything it seems like she reneged on backing off based on her phone conversation with Chris. (I actually told her via text that I was hurt that she changed her mind about backing off, and in response she said, "yeah, i can understand that. I spoke too soon before I realized how I really felt about the situation.") In the end, he decided that we could not go on a date Thursday and so I told him, I hope you have fun with Camylle on Wednesday. I texted Camylle immediately and told her I was not going to see Chris anymore, and she said, "What did you do?" I told her that I called to talk to him about the situation, and she said, "Wow. That's an interesting way to handle it. I would have still gone on the date to get more information about the situation before making a decision."

 

A few minutes after that, I texted Chris and apologized about the phone conversation because I was audibly upset and my voice even broke because I was crying a little bit at one point. An hour later, he texted saying there was no need to apologize, and that he would like to go to church with me if I was willing to invite him. This very much confused me (and I haven't replied to the text yet) because he was the one that said our Thursday date was not possible, but now I feel like he is sending mixed messages, like he is still trying to see if he can date both of us.

 

In terms of my feelings, I am mainly very angry with Camylle for what she did. I felt that, even after I had made it a point to contact her and tell her about my interest in Chris (and she saw us talking afterwards!) to basically "call dibs" on him, she still decided to "back over me" and pursue him anyways, AFTER she initially said she would back off. I feel a true friend would not do this, and so I have decided not to continue being friends with her. We weren't even close friends to begin with, because I met her through a mutual friend that I am closer to. I am very hurt by the way she handled the situation and I feel it speaks to her character that she would be willing to hurt me to get this guy she barely knows, who seemed to show more interest in me than in her.

I am also upset at Chris, mostly because he is deciding to date Camylle even after I explained what she did to me. I think this also speaks to his character.

I also feel stupid for not thinking through the situation - that going speed-dating with a friend could possibly result in the two of us liking the same guy. I wish I had thought about it more, and if I had, I don't think I would have gone.

Needless to say, I'm never going speed-dating again, and I'm not going to continue being friends with Camylle, and I really don't want to keep our Friday plans, but I don't know how to back out of them without looking like it's because of what happened with the speed-dating.

 

I don't know whether I did the right thing, and I am wondering if what Camylle did was acceptable and maybe I made too big a deal out of it...?

[sweetkiwi]

I don't know whether I did the right thing, and I am wondering if what Camylle did was acceptable and maybe I made too big a deal out of it...?

 

They both suck. But you were being dramatic by calling him to discuss the issue between your friend and yourself. You haven't even been on one date with this guy. And he's trying to date your friend.......NEXT.

 

And your "friend".... I've had girls try to do this crap with me. Never a true friend. I'd rather remove myself from the equation. And not trust that "friend" as much/at all depending on how everything went down.

[tofufingers]

Hey jussie,

 

Firstly, I want to commend you for handling the situation in such a great manner! You should know that you definitely handled that in the best way that you could have. You did not put anyone under the bus, but you also stayed true to yourself

 

As for your friend, Camylle... As you were describing the situation, I imagined her being like those bimbo girls I went to high school with. I don't know what the universally accepted definition of "bimbo" is, but in my mind, it means someone who is aloof and does not understand the consequences of his/her actions. With the information given, it seems to me that she is one of these people. I don't know exactly what you're asking help for here, but I don't think you're making a big deal out of this at all. For her to go after this guy, even though you firstly expressed an interest in him shows that she does not have a lot of respect for you. Chris said, "Have you thought about the fact that maybe Camylle and I will just go on one date and we'll decide that it's not a good match?" Well now, did Camylle think about the fact that maybe you and Chris may go on one date and decide that you two are not a good match? Well, why couldn't she wait until you two had your first date to see whether or not she should go on a date with him too? Can't she see that you had him first?

 

As for Chris, I do not know too much about him, but it seems that you and Camylle don't know too much either. Because of this, I am going to answer based on assumption. He honestly sounds like an immature guy who does not know what he wants. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he did not know you and Camylle are friends. Regardless, after you stated your concerns, he should have respected them instead of trying to justify his actions. A true man would fix it and choose you or your friend if you say that him dating you both at the same time is weird, instead of trying to convince you that it is okay. When you think about it, it is like he is trying to convince you that your concerns and values "don't fit" in this situation. That is complete bull. So even if he didn't know you two were friends, he could have handled that A LOT more maturely.

 

If I were you, I would just let the two bimbos date each other. If, in the beginning, a guy can't respect your concerns and your boundaries, that will most likely not change in the future. I think you handled this situation expertly and the other two parties handled it as if they were still in high school. Let the high schoolers have each other and go and find yourself a real man. You sound like you deserve way better anyways.

[jussie]

But you were being dramatic by calling him to discuss the issue between your friend and yourself. You haven't even been on one date with this guy.

 

Thanks so much for your response! I was wondering what you think I should have done rather than calling him to figure it out (I agree that probably was not the most graceful move). Should I have just canceled the date with him, and just say, "I'm not comfortable with you dating my friend and I at the same time."???

[scorpiogirl]

Thanks so much for your response! I was wondering what you think I should have done rather than calling him to figure it out (I agree that probably was not the most graceful move). Should I have just canceled the date with him, and just say, "I'm not comfortable with you dating my friend and I at the same time."???

 

That's what I would say. I've never fought with anyone over a guy. Yes my feelings get hurt, but I won't let them see it. He's an idiot for thinking someone should be OK with that. And she's a sucky friend. Sounds selfish.

You're better off without her.

 

You're right about the church thing. Fools

[Balzac]

Funny story actually. Let me say that you two willingly agreed to share in the discounted price and go together yet never discussed this most likely of outcomes.

 

 

Take a lesson from all the dating reality TV shows. Dating is about competition. One date is hardly considered a relationship.

 

I think you're making problems where none exist.

You're not secure enough to be competitive. You placed too much value on the outcome of a random matchup.

 

I'm a guy so I'm just not seeing the need for drama.

[jussie]

Dating is about competition. One date is hardly considered a relationship.

 

I think you're making problems where none exist.

You're not secure enough to be competitive.

 

I definitely agree that dating is about competition, and I am inherently not a competitive person. I really hate being super competitive, especially against my friends. When I was a lot younger, I used to be competitive, and it was viewed as a detriment to my character, and I noticed that I would be unhappy whenever I didn't win whatever it was. As an adult, I have found that I'd rather be happy than win. I would have been crushed if I went ahead with dating Chris and it turned out that he favored Camylle over me. And that is why I made him choose between me and her. If it was me, great. If it was her, then at least I wouldn't have to keep wondering, "Well what is he doing with her that he might not be doing with me?"

 

You're right that one date is hardly a relationship, but I guess I was thinking ahead to if it were to become something more than just a few dates. Personally, I just can't live with the fact that he would be dating me (kissing me, etc) the same time he is doing all that with my "friend."

 

Even my male friends agree that if a guy calls dibs on a girl his friend likes, she is off limits to the friend. I have heard of this happening, and I assumed it applied with women.

 

I live in Washington, DC, and the type of people it attracts are Type A's who are ruthless in their competition for jobs, nice homes, and mates. I'm originally from Orange County, CA, and I am just more laid back. I don't do the whole competition thing for the most part.

 

In this particular case, I figured, "If you want him so badly, you can have him." No man is worth an extreme amount of competition.

 

Maybe you feel the way you do, Balzac, because you're a guy and you would love to have more than one woman competing for you.

[Balzac]

Maybe you feel the way you do, Balzac, because you're a guy and you would love to have more than one woman competing for you.

 

Nah. I'm a staid one woman relationship kinda guy. Admittedly Type A overachiever. Career focused and cannot afford the time nor emotional energy of drama.

 

You've got self knowledge and have acted out of sticking to your personal ethics.

Be confident. You've learned from this.

 

fwiw I briefly lived in DuPont Circle. Cali girl might feel crushed, applause you've stuck it out.

[Star Gazer]

Camylle is not your friend; that would upset me the most.

[jussie]

Camylle is not your friend; that would upset me the most.

 

Yes, her actions and behavior are what I'm most angry at. I really expected more from her. But at the same time, she seemed to give off an aloof, stuck-up demeanor. I had an uneasy, if not bad, feeling about her when I first met her. Now I know I wasn't going crazy at the time, and that what my gut was telling me was probably true.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, her actions and behavior are what I'm most angry at. I really expected more from her. But at the same time, she seemed to give off an aloof, stuck-up demeanor. I had an uneasy, if not bad, feeling about her when I first met her. Now I know I wasn't going crazy at the time, and that what my gut was telling me was probably true.

 

I'm rethinking this.

 

When you first told her about him, she said he'd contacted her too and they'd been talking and there was mutual interest there. She offered to back off... Why didn't you? Why was it on her to back off, and not you?

[jussie]

I'm rethinking this.

 

When you first told her about him, she said he'd contacted her too and they'd been talking and there was mutual interest there. She offered to back off... Why didn't you? Why was it on her to back off, and not you?

 

I didn't back off because he talked to me immediately after the speed-dating event that same night, even before he emailed anyone. (The way the speed-dating works is that after the event, the speed-dating company emails you a link to their "system" and after you sign in you can "check off" who you like, and then see if any of them also liked you.) So basically I had talked to him before he ever contacted her by email. He made a big point of practically cornering me before I could leave the event, and asked if he could sit down and talk with me for a while. We talked for an hour in an empty room because everyone, including Camylle, had left, and after that he said he liked me, asked for my number, and said he'll call me to see if we could see each other again soon. We had, essentially, by-passed the company's emailing system, and didn't need it anymore.

 

Camylle and Chris had not started talking to each other until after that night because the company didn't send the link until 24 hours later. Camylle had clearly seen him come to my table to talk to me right after the event, and that was the same guy I told her about via text message when I was asking her about how the event went for her.

 

Basically what I'm claiming is that I got there first; I called dibs, and therefore SHE should have been the one to back off and not me. It was very clear he was very interested in me, otherwise he never would have cornered me after the event; would have approached her instead. Furthermore, even though he did email her, he called me to set up our date first before he called her to set up his date with her, which I felt showed that he liked me more than her to begin with.

 

I'm not sure if that means I'm right, but I'm just answering your question about why I did not back off.

Edited August 19, 2013 by jussie
additional information

[Star Gazer]

Basically what I'm claiming is that I got there first; I called dibs, and therefore SHE should have been the one to back off and not me. It was very clear he was very interested in me, otherwise he never would have cornered me after the event; would have approached her instead. Furthermore, even though he did email her, he called me to set up our date first before he called her to set up his date with her, which I felt showed that he liked me more than her to begin with.

 

I'm not sure if that means I'm right, but I'm just answering your question about why I did not back off.

 

 

You didn't even try to "call dibs" UNTIL you texted her to ask her how it went. By that point, he'd already contacted her and they'd developed mutual interest. You told her about Chris; she responded in kind. You're EVEN at this point. You didn't "get to him first."

 

And the fact that he immediately contacted her after talking to you should be a huge sign that he WASN'T that taken with you, and that he's not that taken with her either.

Edited August 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lansing]

The funny thing is that Chris might have posted a thread about "meeting two girls who were friends at a Speed Dating event" .. There is a thread like that here (not sure if in Dating or another forum) so take a look at it from a guy's perspective if you find that thread.

 

If it was her who organized the event, I would have given the guy to her and let her go on a date with her. If things didn't work out then I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with you two dating (as long as things didn't get too far otherwise that might have been weird).

[jussie]

The funny thing is that Chris might have posted a thread about "meeting two girls who were friends at a Speed Dating event" .. There is a thread like that here (not sure if in Dating or another forum) so take a look at it from a guy's perspective if you find that thread.

 

If it was her who organized the event, I would have given the guy to her and let her go on a date with her. If things didn't work out then I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with you two dating (as long as things didn't get too far otherwise that might have been weird).

 

The event was "organized" or put on by a speed-dating company. And while it was her Groupon, she needed me to go with her, so I feel we are both equals in this. I wonder what she would have done had I not gone with her. I suppose she would have used the Groupon on another speed-dating event.

[Star Gazer]

The event was "organized" or put on by a speed-dating company. And while it was her Groupon, she needed me to go with her, so I feel we are both equals in this. I wonder what she would have done had I not gone with her. I suppose she would have used the Groupon on another speed-dating event.

 

Why did she *need* you to go with her?

[FitChick]

What is this nonsense about giving another human being to someone else? What if that person didn't want to be "given away" to the friend? I thought slavery was a crime. Isn't he the one who decides which of you to date?