Taken for granted?

[millerband86]

I've been with my g/f about a year now and while we have a great relationship, talk about getting married etc. I can't help but feel like i've taken a backseat lately. I'm her first boyfriend.

 

She's started work at a theater and has been taking everything they throw at her. That has lead to her working late almost every night until 11 and we haven't seen eachother quite as much since she's started. I dont need to see her every day, i'd be fine with 2 solid nights and maybe a 3rd where we can get dinner together.

 

We really only see eachother in spats. Whether its a couple hours before she has to go or I meet at her house at 11ish just to spend the night because we usually go right to sleep. There isn't a whole lot of quality time. Only 2 or 3 days a week for short intervals usually.

 

She'll invite me out to theater functions etc. but when we are there she is so focused on making a good impression alot of times I end up just standing around by myself or being left out of conversations. And when we do talk while at these, there are times where she'll turn away mid conversation to see who's coming/going or be altogether disinterested or aloof, which annoys me greatly.

 

There are even time we'll be getting ready to go and she'll dress up sooooo sexy and get dolled up saying she is doing it for me, but she never dressed like that around me and there are outfits she wears there that i have never seen or thought she wore. Maybe its mean of me but i think its BS she's just saying that and its really to make a good impression at the theater.

 

I don't begrudge her for wanting to do good by the theater, its her dream to own one but I can't help but feel like its dragging on our relationship and I feel like she doesn't see it, and the few times i've brought it up she tells me that i'm being difficult or she's doing for us so we can buy a house etc.

 

But i'd rather see her more and take in less money, but i think she feels so secure in the relationship that she feels she can focus on everything else because i'll still be there.

 

I do want to say she is a sweetheart, she is always texting me that she loves/misses me and she had to borrow my car a couple of days and left little notes all throughout which is very sweet, so i dont doubt at all that she loves me.

 

I feel bad saying it but I feel liek it's not enough. I was never really into games but I think i might have to start pulling back a little and not be so available to her so these little 2 hour rendezvous wont happen because talking hasn't seemed to help.

 

Other than that my option is to let her go, which i don't want to do but i'm frankly just not happy with things and if communicating doesn't help i dont see what else i can do.

[Philosoraptor]

Don't play games, be open and honest with how you are feeling. Either she will understand how you are feeling and make more of an effort towards the relationship, or she will not make the effort and you'll know where you stand.

 

All games will do is leave you more confused and cause a further rift between the two of you. Deceit and games do not a healthy relationship make.

[jphcbpa]

Agree, do not pull back....let her be.

 

My g/f has a fundraiser events and many work functions that she will invite me to. What I do is keep my expectations at zero. If she comes by and says hello then that is an added bonus. She is not there to entertain me. What you might consider is inviting a male friend of yours to come along/meet you there so you will have someone to talk with. When you are there just have fun and engage in conversations with other people. Met new friends. Let her do her thing. Enjoy watching her be in her element. This is her passion. Support her and have fun.

[bubbaganoosh]

The only problem I see is when your at one of these functions and when your talking to her, she cuts you off in mid sentence to check out whose walking in. That's bad manners. If she wants you to be there then she should share the evening with you and include you in.

 

The next time she does that, I would let her know (not at the function but after) that cutting you off like that bothers you and it's not appreciated. If she cares about you like you say she does, then she will apologize for it. There is no excuse for bad manners.

[millerband86]

I have had talks with her before about these things and it doesn't seem to sink in.

 

The only reason i go to these functions is because she asks me to. She knows i'm an introvert and frankly I don't need to make new friends, i'm not there to mingle. I'm there because she asks me.

 

So when she goes off for an extended period of time i find it rude. I'm sure she'd feel the same if I did that to her. (I will add I dont mind if we are at a table with others having a group talk etc. thats fine just when I get left with strangers for 5-10 minutes because she is off socializing it irks me)

 

Again, I try to be understanding because she was ill in highschool and didnt have many if any friends so this is all very new and exciting for her so I bite my toungue alot because i get it. But I hve brought it up and yes she apologizes but it doesn't sink in she still acts all ADD like.

 

And short of me being rude and telling her to pay the eff attention I dont know what other conversation to have with her.

[bubbaganoosh]

I have had talks with her before about these things and it doesn't seem to sink in.

 

The only reason i go to these functions is because she asks me to. She knows i'm an introvert and frankly I don't need to make new friends, i'm not there to mingle. I'm there because she asks me.

 

So when she goes off for an extended period of time i find it rude. I'm sure she'd feel the same if I did that to her. (I will add I dont mind if we are at a table with others having a group talk etc. thats fine just when I get left with strangers for 5-10 minutes because she is off socializing it irks me)

 

Again, I try to be understanding because she was ill in highschool and didnt have many if any friends so this is all very new and exciting for her so I bite my toungue alot because i get it. But I hve brought it up and yes she apologizes but it doesn't sink in she still acts all ADD like.

 

And short of me being rude and telling her to pay the eff attention I dont know what other conversation to have with her.

 

Ok. Have another talk. This time use a voice and a look that lets her know you ain't a happy camper when she does this. Maybe she'll get the message. I think she hears you but because you an introvert she doesn't take you serious.

 

Either that or decline the invite. If she asks why, simply state that you don't like standing there like a piece of furniture while she goes off in another direction without you. By the way, how hard is it to own a theater. Is it a movie theater or one that shows live plays?

[millerband86]

Ok. Have another talk. This time use a voice and a look that lets her know you ain't a happy camper when she does this. Maybe she'll get the message. I think she hears you but because you an introvert she doesn't take you serious.

 

Either that or decline the invite. If she asks why, simply state that you don't like standing there like a piece of furniture while she goes off in another direction without you. By the way, how hard is it to own a theater. Is it a movie theater or one that shows live plays?

 

Yeah your probably right about that I am a bit too nice.

 

Its a live play theater and from what I gather its a very big ordeal with alot of time investment.

 

She doesnt see it as that, she is under the impression she can make her own hours etc. and still direct/act in plays yet somehow have time for family life.

 

I dont want to quash dreams but to me owning a business like that, that runs into late nights isn't conducive to the family life. Again not saying anything demeaning about that profession/lifestyle but it definitely doesn't match up with what envisioned for my life and future family.

 

i even laid out for her my expectations of 2 nights a week and a third with a good few hours together but she goes and takes everything they throw her way.

 

I'm not worried about say one week just gets crazy and we can't see eachother but like right now she's stage managing 6 days a week 7-11, and working on top of that. Going on 3 weeks with about 3 more to go.

 

Theres no time for "us". She says she doesnt think she'll do it again but if she wants to get married that kind of time commitment is off the table. And "I dont think" isnt good enough when i'm talkign about spending the rest of my life with someone. I need solid expectations, its only fair to myself.

[bubbaganoosh]

I was self employed for 35 years. You get out of the business what you put into it. In other words, serious long hours and when you come home, there is still work to do not to mention the stuff you need to do around the house.

 

I got a feeling that she isn't going to be "Little Suzy Homemaker" and she'll be doing some long hours. She has plans for a career and there is nothing wrong with it but if she doesn't have the ability or care to make the time for you and both your personal time, then your going to be here in the divorce/separation section of this forum.

 

I would reconsider marriage for a while and see where this goes. Getting married is a huge investment and when it crashes, it not jut the finance part but the emotional baggage that's left that really hurts. Think about it for a while.

[jphcbpa]

I have had talks with her before about these things and it doesn't seem to sink in.

 

The only reason i go to these functions is because she asks me to. She knows i'm an introvert and frankly I don't need to make new friends, i'm not there to mingle. I'm there because she asks me.

 

So when she goes off for an extended period of time i find it rude. I'm sure she'd feel the same if I did that to her. (I will add I dont mind if we are at a table with others having a group talk etc. thats fine just when I get left with strangers for 5-10 minutes because she is off socializing it irks me)

 

Again, I try to be understanding because she was ill in highschool and didnt have many if any friends so this is all very new and exciting for her so I bite my toungue alot because i get it. But I hve brought it up and yes she apologizes but it doesn't sink in she still acts all ADD like.

 

And short of me being rude and telling her to pay the eff attention I dont know what other conversation to have with her.

 

She is not being rude, she is working from what I gather. IMO, you are being too needy. You are there to support her. Start thinking yourself as eye candy on her arm and enjoy watching her in her element.

[millerband86]

She is not being rude, she is working from what I gather. IMO, you are being too needy. You are there to support her. Start thinking yourself as eye candy on her arm and enjoy watching her in her element.

 

Maybe I didn't articulate it well, she isn't working. These are casual events like parties for the cast/crew and a trip to the diner after the show that most of the cast goes to, I dont expect to be entertained by her 100% of the time but there are plenty of stretches where i'm left alone or just out of a conversation.

 

@bubba, Thats my thinking. and yes of course there is nothing wrong with pursuing a career, and I wouldnt ask her not too it would just mean we aren't right for eachother no malice on anyones behalf.

 

But when she keeps pressing for me to propose, looking at houses etc. the conversations will undoubtedly come up but i'm met with "why wont it work?" and "we'll make it work". don't get me wrong I love the sentiment but its not based in reality.

 

I'm not looking for her to be a homemaker, I just dont see how owning a theater and raising a family is going to coincide. While she doesn't see why it wouldnt.

 

It's so hard because I love her so much but this theater business is becoming the wedge between us.

[bubbaganoosh]

If she's pressing you about marriage, then it's time you reach in to your "honesty" pocket and tell her how you feel about it. It's better to talk about it now rather than wait until your married a few years and then it really becomes a problem.

 

Another solution is just live together, rent and keep separate checking accounts. After a while if things work out then you can get married and buy a house. All in all if you have this kind of feelings and jump in to marriage, your bringing in excess baggage and that doesn't help.

 

She might be a great woman and you may have a great marriage but I would tell anyone not to jump into a marriage under any kind of pressure. Either your ready or your not.