Author iouaname Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I just feel like a bad person because of all of this. I don't want things to be like this. I want to be able to be happy, I want to make others happy, I want to be grateful for my life, and I want to feel strong and self-empowered. I guess sometimes I just feel like there is no way to undo my actions, and I feel like I'm doomed to always be like this.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I just feel like a bad person because of all of this. I don't want things to be like this. I want to be able to be happy, I want to make others happy, I want to be grateful for my life, and I want to feel strong and self-empowered. I guess sometimes I just feel like there is no way to undo my actions, and I feel like I'm doomed to always be like this. If you take that attitude, then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
na49 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 and this is why you need to block him. If he has anything good to tell you, a block isn't going to stop him. Trust me.
Author iouaname Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 and this is why you need to block him. If he has anything good to tell you, a block isn't going to stop him. Trust me. Blocking him would make no difference, he doesn't reach out. It's always me now. So, I just need to not reach out.
Author iouaname Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I think that I am going to try to take a different approach to this, and sort of just shut down the emotions. I mean, dumpers do it, right? Sure it's hard for them sometimes, but at the end of the day, they're able to flip the switch and I just sort of feel like there must be a way for me to do that as well. I'm kind of tired of "working on myself" or "bettering myself." I feel like I'm aiming to be some perfect person and it's exhausting. 1
templeofmax Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I think that I am going to try to take a different approach to this, and sort of just shut down the emotions. I mean, dumpers do it, right? Sure it's hard for them sometimes, but at the end of the day, they're able to flip the switch and I just sort of feel like there must be a way for me to do that as well. I'm kind of tired of "working on myself" or "bettering myself." I feel like I'm aiming to be some perfect person and it's exhausting. You can't turn off the emotions, and some dumpers just bury them underneath the anger, resentment, etc, until they come back to the surface and bites them in the ass. You have to ride it through. You have been through the hard times already. You cannot change for someone else to love you, and even if with change things can get better in a relationship, you cannot be perfect (i.e.: a doormat). Live your life and don't worry about him. Its past and gone. Learn and live, live and learn! No more breaking NC! there is nothing there. The only way to flip the switch is with NC and getting busy.
hinatticus Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I think that I am going to try to take a different approach to this, and sort of just shut down the emotions. I mean, dumpers do it, right? Sure it's hard for them sometimes, but at the end of the day, they're able to flip the switch and I just sort of feel like there must be a way for me to do that as well. I'm kind of tired of "working on myself" or "bettering myself." I feel like I'm aiming to be some perfect person and it's exhausting. Bettering yourself is sort of a life long process. It's not about being perfect but just being the best you can be. You will get tired of bettering yourself, but that's part of the process. You're only human and will get tired or bored of trying to better yourself. Just accept that and keep on keeping on. About the turning off the emotions things... Try faking it til you make it. That worked for me. Careful though, don't bury your emotions til one day you explode. 1
Author iouaname Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Bettering yourself is sort of a life long process. It's not about being perfect but just being the best you can be. You will get tired of bettering yourself, but that's part of the process. You're only human and will get tired or bored of trying to better yourself. Just accept that and keep on keeping on. About the turning off the emotions things... Try faking it til you make it. That worked for me. Careful though, don't bury your emotions til one day you explode. Yeah, I'm just tired of it. Honestly, I'm beginning to feel like I don't care enough about myself to bother bettering myself. This isn't meant to be dramatic and I certainly don't want 'attention' from it, but this isn't something that I can talk to friends or family about, but there are times I just really don't want to be alive. I don't want to hurt my friends and family, so I have no plans of suicide, but I sometimes just feel mentally exhausted. I have these highs where I feel like I'm getting better and then these awful lows where I just feel like I need to do it all over again. I don't know, sometimes it just makes me feel better to think about the fact that there is an end to things... I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to see if he can prescribe me something for the anxiety. I'm not optimistic, though...
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I totally get what you are feeling. It just lingers and lingers. You want to feel better after months and months. You've worked so hard, yet it just feels the same. Which causes you to feel bad. I know the feeling... The reality is you ARE doing better, it's just such small increments and you are so close to it, you can't see the trees in the Forrest (or something like that ) Hang in there, go NC from now on and I'm confident you are going to come to a revelation... It's just when you break NC, it resets the odometer, so no more of that 1
cavalier99 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Yeah, I'm just tired of it. Honestly, I'm beginning to feel like I don't care enough about myself to bother bettering myself. This isn't meant to be dramatic and I certainly don't want 'attention' from it, but this isn't something that I can talk to friends or family about, but there are times I just really don't want to be alive. I don't want to hurt my friends and family, so I have no plans of suicide, but I sometimes just feel mentally exhausted. I have these highs where I feel like I'm getting better and then these awful lows where I just feel like I need to do it all over again. I don't know, sometimes it just makes me feel better to think about the fact that there is an end to things... I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to see if he can prescribe me something for the anxiety. I'm not optimistic, though... Ok. I remeber exactly what you are feeling. Being tired of the mad dash at self improvement post BU ecetera. It gets super tiring. you are just left sorta depressed with the reality that it is over and this is your life. it is the death throes of what is left of the RS. you finally feel like just needing to let go (give up the fight) and move on. this is actually a good thing. Also the whole dont repress emotions thing is BS at this point. You have already mourned enough. Your supposed to cry in the 1st months post BU. I cried even after 4 or 5 months. BUT NOT NOW. That should be done for you. Now IS the time to repress the emotions. definitly bury the emotions now contrary to some adivse. You need emotional fortitude. No more wallowing and feeling stuff. It is over. man up so to speak. Observe what you feeling then just push it away and move forward. Just plain stop letting yourself feel this way. You can do it. You control this. Arnt you tired of all this?? Just push it away. Forget about it. Dont let yourselft think about it any more. youve done that, youve cried enough. No more tears. This is not repressing.. It is getting on with things and your life. Emotional fortitude is what you need to be thinking. Toughen up. Rock on! Cav Edited August 20, 2013 by cavalier99 1
hinatticus Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Ok. I remeber exactly what you are feeling. Being tired of the mad dash at self improvement post BU ecetera. It gets super tiring. you are just left sorta depressed with the reality that it is over and this is your life. it is the death throes of what is left of the RS. you finally feel like just needing to let go (give up the fight) and move on. this is actually a good thing. Also the whole repressing emotion thing is BS. You have already mourned enough. Your supposed to cry in the 1st months post BU. I cried even after 4 or 5 months. BUT NOT NOW. That should be done for you. Now IS the time to repress the emotions. definitly bury the emotions now contrary to some adivse. You need emotional fortitude. No more wallowing and feeling stuff. It is over. man up so to speak. Observe what you feeling then just push it away and move forward. Just plain stop letting yourself feel this way. You can do it. You control this. Arnt you tired of all this?? Just push it away. Forget about it. Dont let yourselft think about it any more. youve done that, youve cried enough. No more tears. This is not repressing.. It is getting on with things and your life. Emotional fortitude is what you need to be thinking. Toughen up. Rock on! Cav I think we agree. Observing the emotions is spot on. Observe them, say hello to them, then tell them to f*ck off and be on your merry way. 4
Author iouaname Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 I can definitely see where I have made progress as far as controlling the emotions. I wouldn't say the emotions have changed, though, and that's where I am struggling. I completely melted down this weekend, but I didn't let him see that. So that is progress for me, for sure. But like I said, I'm tired of the toll that it has taken on my life. Even when I am complete no contact, I feel mentally exhausted. I have trouble being out of the house for long periods of time, I have trouble sleeping (this has resurfaced this weekend, as well. I'm on sleep medication and I had to take one last night and then another just now, as I've woken up and can't get back to sleep ). I just feel like my overall quality of life has suffered so much. Exhausting. I'm just going to take it day by day again and see where it gets me. I'm going to try not to focus on anything, because honestly, all I really want to do is crawl into bed and stay there.
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 That sucks. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you something you wanted to hear... Well, chin up and all that... 1
lovesucks76 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I can definitely see where I have made progress as far as controlling the emotions. I wouldn't say the emotions have changed, though, and that's where I am struggling. I completely melted down this weekend, but I didn't let him see that. So that is progress for me, for sure. But like I said, I'm tired of the toll that it has taken on my life. Even when I am complete no contact, I feel mentally exhausted. I have trouble being out of the house for long periods of time, I have trouble sleeping (this has resurfaced this weekend, as well. I'm on sleep medication and I had to take one last night and then another just now, as I've woken up and can't get back to sleep ). I just feel like my overall quality of life has suffered so much. Exhausting. I'm just going to take it day by day again and see where it gets me. I'm going to try not to focus on anything, because honestly, all I really want to do is crawl into bed and stay there. So sorry, hang in there. Please remember you need to take care of yourself first. I force myself to leave the house whenever it gets overwhelming. I will do anything to stay busy. The "alone" times are the worst so it's best to avoid them for awhile. After 16 days since the BU I think I've reached the point of being mad at myself for allowing myself to feel crappy. I choose happiness and choose to live my life without her....all my choices! I feel more empowered now. Still hurts but I feel more in control. 2
Coping Vortex Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I have been in therapy, since February. I've also been on medication. I just keep failing myself by resorting back to my old habits. I mean, I can see the progress in the way that I end up handling it in the eyes of others, but I still hurt myself just the same. I just feel as though I had all of these things that were working for me, and then I just abandoned them in a stupid, weak moment and now I feel like I don't have the strength to dig in and find new things... Wow I feel like I am reading something I wrote. I am in the exact same boat. Everything you are feeling and doing I feel right now. In fact I am 9 months out. Started the antidepressants and seeing a therapist. Thought she would be long gone form my mind by now. I guess we just have to close our eyes and hang on. Try to get to a place where we don't know them anymore. I hope we can all get there. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 So sorry, hang in there. Please remember you need to take care of yourself first. I force myself to leave the house whenever it gets overwhelming. I will do anything to stay busy. The "alone" times are the worst so it's best to avoid them for awhile. After 16 days since the BU I think I've reached the point of being mad at myself for allowing myself to feel crappy. I choose happiness and choose to live my life without her....all my choices! I feel more empowered now. Still hurts but I feel more in control. Yes, the loneliness is what kills me as well. I am living a new town (came her for her) and really don't have friends or family. It was OK when we had each other, but so hard being alone. I go out by myself and try to stay busy. It's so f'ing hot here until at least 9 or 10 at night, so can't even ride my bike like I would like to. I agree, I still have thoughts of her all the time. Everyday. But I am more in control of how they affect me now. Just over 5 months NC. I am trying really hard to re-locate out of this town, but hard to pick up and move again. Especially with no job lined up...
lovesucks76 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Yes, the loneliness is what kills me as well. I am living a new town (came her for her) and really don't have friends or family. It was OK when we had each other, but so hard being alone. I go out by myself and try to stay busy. It's so f'ing hot here until at least 9 or 10 at night, so can't even ride my bike like I would like to. I agree, I still have thoughts of her all the time. Everyday. But I am more in control of how they affect me now. Just over 5 months NC. I am trying really hard to re-locate out of this town, but hard to pick up and move again. Especially with no job lined up... Being lonely is the worst. I hate it too and try to avoid it because that's when I glorify the relationship in my own head. Have you thought about joining a gym or taking a class somewhere? It helps when you're busy meeting new people. I met some great girls since my break up at the gym. I'm not interested right now and even turned down a 'coffee date" but it felt good to be noticed and meet new faces. I really try every single day to be optimistic because that's the only way I can survive this. I'm honest about my emotions but I also need to get a life so I get out there and force myself to meet nee people. It's working for me . I still hurt a lot and check this place often but I'm healing and looking forward to not missing her anymore.
Author iouaname Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 This is going to sound morbid, but one of the things that keeps me going is the realization that life is temporary, anyway. Everything is temporary. I'm not saying that I'm waiting to die, but eventually I will, and none of this will have mattered. Think of all the pain people in the past experienced. That pain doesn't matter now. The joy doesn't matter, either. I feel like, what's the point of even experiencing such negative emotions? They don't do much good. I wonder if I can meditate them away... 2
lovesucks76 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 This is going to sound morbid, but one of the things that keeps me going is the realization that life is temporary, anyway. Everything is temporary. I'm not saying that I'm waiting to die, but eventually I will, and none of this will have mattered. Think of all the pain people in the past experienced. That pain doesn't matter now. The joy doesn't matter, either. I feel like, what's the point of even experiencing such negative emotions? They don't do much good. I wonder if I can meditate them away... Honestly.....What you really need is to let it go completely. No expectations!! NONE. I think somewhere deep inside of you still hold hope...we all do at some point. You have to give him up and accept that it's over. It sucks...I know but you have to. There's no point in beating yourself up. Life is a journey, you will meet some great people along the way and will also meet some jerks too. You take the good and leave the bad. You can do this!! Your ex is human and I could probably guess he doesn't have super powers either. Guess what? There are billions of other people out there right now looking for a girl just like you. Why would you waste your time and tears crying over him? No point anymore, it's done! I cried too and still find myself sad when I'm alone BUT I choose to keep things moving because I want to meet that ONE person who will love me just as much as I love her. I have a better chance of doing that if I stop crying and get myself out there. Life is so freaking amazing and full of great surprises, why focus on the pain and sadness. You can make the choice to be happy. Only YOU can make this choice! So choose it now and let go of the suffering!! 2
Author iouaname Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 Honestly.....What you really need is to let it go completely. No expectations!! NONE. I think somewhere deep inside of you still hold hope...we all do at some point. You have to give him up and accept that it's over. It sucks...I know but you have to. There's no point in beating yourself up. Life is a journey, you will meet some great people along the way and will also meet some jerks too. You take the good and leave the bad. You can do this!! Your ex is human and I could probably guess he doesn't have super powers either. Guess what? There are billions of other people out there right now looking for a girl just like you. Why would you waste your time and tears crying over him? No point anymore, it's done! I cried too and still find myself sad when I'm alone BUT I choose to keep things moving because I want to meet that ONE person who will love me just as much as I love her. I have a better chance of doing that if I stop crying and get myself out there. Life is so freaking amazing and full of great surprises, why focus on the pain and sadness. You can make the choice to be happy. Only YOU can make this choice! So choose it now and let go of the suffering!! I mean, how do I just choose to let go? I mean I have the understanding that he will never come back to me. I have the understanding that the relationship is beyond gone and there will be no shot for a reconciliation. I'm just not sure how else to let go. I don't know how to tell myself to just be over it. In theory, I completely agree with what you are saying. I just struggle with how to put it into practice... I had a severe panic attack this morning. Went to the hospital, got some medications, and then had another one later this afternoon. I was a hysterical mess, and had to have a cousin come over and help me out. I don't want to be ungrateful. I know that there are people who would kill to have my life. I just... I don't know. I can't even put into words how much I'm struggling to be able to truly appreciate it.
Author iouaname Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I'm supposed to be going back to school this Sunday, and I just don't feel like I have the motivation. I've still been having the anxiety. I still have this knot in my stomach all the time, and I can't even get to sleep without medicating heavily I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to go back to school in this state... I miss him, and I feel so bad about myself. He's into a girl who won't even commit to him and just uses him, and here I was, giving him everything. I never even had interest in other men while we were together. He says he doesn't think he can be with this girl because she didn't "see his value" and here I valued him so much. It sucks. I guess I just feel like there was something wrong with me. What does this girl have that I don't? Edited August 21, 2013 by iouaname
cavalier99 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I'm supposed to be going back to school this Sunday, and I just don't feel like I have the motivation. I've still been having the anxiety. I still have this knot in my stomach all the time, and I can't even get to sleep without medicating heavily I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to go back to school in this state... I miss him, and I feel so bad about myself. He's into a girl who won't even commit to him and just uses him, and here I was, giving him everything. I never even had interest in other men while we were together. He says he doesn't think he can be with this girl because she didn't "see his value" and here I valued him so much. It sucks. I guess I just feel like there was something wrong with me. What does this girl have that I don't? Everyone, this is why we go NC and NEVER break it until your 1000 percent over it and why it is wise to follow to the letter a lot of the good advise on this forum instead of freelancing things.. A lot of this suffering is the culmulative effect of breaking NC over and over again for months post BU. You can end up worse than were you started post BU. You are just giving your brain new info to process that it shouldnt have. By now with pure NC your brain would have processed everthing and eventually purged it. You can only hold onto this stuff for so long with out additional stimutli. I think there must be some sort of science behind it. Youd have trouble remebering things. It becomes like a strange dream in another life. With new info everthing stays fresh and you mind literally cant recover. Sorry gal. Cav Edited August 21, 2013 by cavalier99 3
Author iouaname Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Yes, thank you for using me as an example. 1
cavalier99 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Yes, thank you for using me as an example. My pleasure! Helping others is a good way to get over this! You have done a good thing ! Hahahah Hope your feeling better. Believe me it pains me that your having such a hard time. I really like you and consider one of my good LS friends. Rock on! Cav
Kimmie80 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Cav, could not have been put any better than that! Soooo true! Hang in there, everyone. We have to go this for ourselves. 1
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