Starting Over...

[iouaname]

My ex and I have always had a really toxic relationship. We broke up eight months ago, but I never seem to be able to stick to no contact. At first, I went no contact on him for a few months while he reached out often. Then, we had a really rough period where we weren't very nice to each other. After that, I've been the only one to reach out. I realized it was unhealthy and stopped. I had been solid no contact for one month, until this past weekend. I received a group text that he was included in. I had just been deleting those, but I decided to respond to this one. Eventually, my ex and I began talking off to the side and I learned that he is now seeing a girl who is really hurting him by keeping him in a friend's with benefits situation. For once, I completely kept my composure around him and didn't let him know that it affected me. Later that night, though, I broke down completely. Awful panic attacks, not able to sleep or eat... it felt like day one of the breakup all over again.

 

I know that it was my own fault for breaking no contact. I know that I'm being pathetic and emotionally weak. Every time that I go no contact, I always hope I'll hear from him. I never do, anymore, and this time I learned that he has moved on to someone else. I know that I need to go back to NC, but I just feel like I've exhausted all of my resources and energy. Again, I realize it's my own fault, but I'm just not sure if I really have the strength to dig even deeper this time

[cavalier99]

Sorry gal. The thing is staying NC isnt that complicated!. You just do nothing. There is no action required. I mean it can be hard at times but it is a hell of a lot harder not doing it.

 

Sounds like you really need to dig deep and just do it, like forever, to get over this thing. I remeber how strong you started out months ago. I was super impressed.

 

I dont want to sound condescending but if youd been NC the whole time youd definitly be over this by now. Just go back to basics. Your not at day 1 all over again. You have healed some. But it is time to put this to rest and move forward. Arnt you tired of feeling this way over 1 guy??? Just give up..surrender to the fact that it is done. Cav

Edited August 19, 2013 by cavalier99

[iouaname]

I dont want to sound condescending but if youd been NC the whole time youd definitly be over this by now.

 

Yes, for sure. I know breaking no contact is a mistake, and I always know it's a mistake as I'm doing it.

 

I just feel like I've run out of strength. I've been on medication for a long time, I've been to two different therapists, I've taken up new hobbies and have done as much as possible to just keep myself busy and distracted. However, I always seem to cave. I'm just not sure that I have the emotional strength to carry on with it again. I just feel at constant war with myself. I feel like I've exhausted all of the emotional support in my life. The breakup was so long ago that I'm ashamed to admit to people in my life that I am still struggling and making these amateur mistakes all of the time, so I've stopped talking to people about it and put on a front that I am over it.

 

You're right that I'm not at square one. Just the mere fact that I kept my composure around him this time shows me that I'm getting better at controlling how I display my emotions. Still, I just feel exhausted with myself.

 

I am not suicidal. I could never do that to my family, but there are definitely times where I just wish I could not be alive and not have to deal with this any longer.

[cavalier99]

Hmm. I think your doing better than you realize. Your finally about to crack! But in a good way. Sounds like your close to just being done with all this suffering and misery over your ex. I think your hitting bottom and will quickly realize that you dont want to feel this way anymore. Surrender!

 

You can do it. I think things are going to bet better for you very soon. Cav

[iouaname]

I hope so! I wrote him a small letter, just apologizing for inserting myself back in his life whenever I felt like it, and agreeing to gracefully bow out. I didn't send it, but writing it at least felt like recommitting to NC for the RIGHT reasons this time. I do want to send it, but I'm not going to act impulsively anymore.

[theonlyjuan]

Don't send it but keep it, one day you can look at it and feel silly about it all. Even when I read my first thread on here, I feel stupid. It's nice to be able to laugh at it.

 

Stick to NC and concentrate on yourself

[iouaname]

I'm just having a lot of anxiety. My heart is racing and I feel lightheaded and nauseous. I used to act on the anxiety and do things that I'd end up regretting, so this time I'm just trying to not act on it. I'm not sure what to do though, I'm at work and I feel like I'm going to pass out

[iouaname]

I'm thinking about leaving work early and going home. I'm having such awful anxiety. I feel lightheaded. I don't want to go to the emergency room, I'd feel so embarrassed.

[dgiirl]

Take a deep breath and let yourself feel the anxiety. Feel your body embrace the sensation and then visualize it roll off you. It will pass if you allow yourself to feel it. Then ask yourself what it is that is bothering you. Are you afraid? Of what exactly. Is it a reasonable fear? Will all of this matter in 5 years from now?

[Kimmie80]

Don't feel ashamed and embarrassed about grieving 8 months later. That just shows that you are a very loving person with a very big heart. You went into this with all your heart. You hang onto what you believe in. You fight for what you love. That is nothing to be embarrassed by at all. I actually feel embarrassed and quite silly. I am having the very same symptoms you are experiencing right now. I took the day off class because I knew when I woke up that it was going to be one of those days. And it doesnt just last for an hour. Its for the whole day. But with me, my relationship was only 2 months. And I dont even know if I could call it that. It was a guy who came out to my house to fix something and we hit it off. He initiated the whole thing. We went from communicating every day, all day long to a sudden end. We never had a any kind of disagreement during those 2 months. It was the whole 'puppy love' thing. Butterflies, excitement, couldnt wait to see each other. It was perfect. But one day I opened my mouth and said something I really shouldn't have said. And he walked. He is gone as quickly as he came. I am shattered. And now I have to live with the guilt. It was because of me that he walked. Who would have ever known that I would have felt this strongly for someone who I only knew for 2 short months? I don't even want to comment on everyones posts because I shouldnt technically be able to relate. We talking 2 months, not 2 years. Hope your day turns around for you.

[iouaname]

I left work early, and got an anti-anxiety pill from my cousin. I'm feeling a little better. I know what I have to do.

[iouaname]

I did end up sending the NC letter. It wasn't anything that would warrant a response, so I'm not expecting one.

 

I always feel like I'm so calculated on how I deal with my ex, because I think a part of me wanted him back. Now that I know he's been in this situation with this girl, I realize that that wouldn't even be a possibility for me anyway, so what do I care what he thinks? Now I have to go back to focusing on me. I'm probably going to take a few 'me' days to get myself functioning normally again, and then I think I'll be good to go with trying to move forward once again

[iouaname]

Take a deep breath and let yourself feel the anxiety. Feel your body embrace the sensation and then visualize it roll off you. It will pass if you allow yourself to feel it. Then ask yourself what it is that is bothering you. Are you afraid? Of what exactly. Is it a reasonable fear? Will all of this matter in 5 years from now?

 

Well, I sure hope that none of it matters 5 years from now That would be even more pathetic.

 

Thank you for the help, though!

[iouaname]

Don't feel ashamed and embarrassed about grieving 8 months later. That just shows that you are a very loving person with a very big heart. You went into this with all your heart. You hang onto what you believe in. You fight for what you love. That is nothing to be embarrassed by at all. I actually feel embarrassed and quite silly. I am having the very same symptoms you are experiencing right now. I took the day off class because I knew when I woke up that it was going to be one of those days. And it doesnt just last for an hour. Its for the whole day. But with me, my relationship was only 2 months. And I dont even know if I could call it that. It was a guy who came out to my house to fix something and we hit it off. He initiated the whole thing. We went from communicating every day, all day long to a sudden end. We never had a any kind of disagreement during those 2 months. It was the whole 'puppy love' thing. Butterflies, excitement, couldnt wait to see each other. It was perfect. But one day I opened my mouth and said something I really shouldn't have said. And he walked. He is gone as quickly as he came. I am shattered. And now I have to live with the guilt. It was because of me that he walked. Who would have ever known that I would have felt this strongly for someone who I only knew for 2 short months? I don't even want to comment on everyones posts because I shouldnt technically be able to relate. We talking 2 months, not 2 years. Hope your day turns around for you.

 

Thank you!

 

2 months is a long time, and I definitely think you have a right to share your feelings and experience. These things are always difficult...

[dgiirl]

Well, I sure hope that none of it matters 5 years from now That would be even more pathetic.

 

Thank you for the help, though!

 

LOL, that's what I'm saying to me right now whenever the anxiety and panic attacks come. I get so worked up in the moment that I cannot think of the future. But in reality, it's not as big as we make it seem. We'll get through it!

[iouaname]

You do not believe that you have right "tools" in your "toolbox" to deal with this break up and everything that goes along with it.

 

If you aren't already... You should seek counseling and they will assist you in acquiring the necessary "tools" that you will need.

 

I have been in therapy, since February. I've also been on medication. I just keep failing myself by resorting back to my old habits. I mean, I can see the progress in the way that I end up handling it in the eyes of others, but I still hurt myself just the same. I just feel as though I had all of these things that were working for me, and then I just abandoned them in a stupid, weak moment and now I feel like I don't have the strength to dig in and find new things...

[lovesucks76]

Don't feel ashamed and embarrassed about grieving 8 months later. That just shows that you are a very loving person with a very big heart. You went into this with all your heart. You hang onto what you believe in. You fight for what you love. That is nothing to be embarrassed by at all. I actually feel embarrassed and quite silly. I am having the very same symptoms you are experiencing right now. I took the day off class because I knew when I woke up that it was going to be one of those days. And it doesnt just last for an hour. Its for the whole day. But with me, my relationship was only 2 months. And I dont even know if I could call it that. It was a guy who came out to my house to fix something and we hit it off. He initiated the whole thing. We went from communicating every day, all day long to a sudden end. We never had a any kind of disagreement during those 2 months. It was the whole 'puppy love' thing. Butterflies, excitement, couldnt wait to see each other. It was perfect. But one day I opened my mouth and said something I really shouldn't have said. And he walked. He is gone as quickly as he came. I am shattered. And now I have to live with the guilt. It was because of me that he walked. Who would have ever known that I would have felt this strongly for someone who I only knew for 2 short months? I don't even want to comment on everyones posts because I shouldnt technically be able to relate. We talking 2 months, not 2 years. Hope your day turns around for you.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do. I was in same situation for 3 months so I completely understand. In 3 short months we spent a lot of time together. Every week, almost every other day together. Many dinners, a few day trips, several movies, took classes together, worked out together, hung out together,etc. Very intense...she got scared and i felt it so I broke it off, didn't want to go thru the pain later when my feeling were even deeper. I think I broke it off too late...I was in love with her like nothing I've ever experienced before. It was 3 months but felt longer. Long enough for me to fall for her hard, I have never felt like this EVER. I know I love her but it sucks to be here now. Makes me feels very weak! I wish I had never met her.

[iouaname]

It's just that it becomes a pattern for me. "Oh I'm going to go NC and get over him!" and then I go NC for a little while, and then I hit this mark where I feel like I'm okay and that maybe if I try to get back into certain parts of my old life, I'll be fine. I never am. I don't think he likes when I'm around. So then it hurts me really bad, and I continue on. This time, I found out he's been screwing someone else who doesn't even want to be in a relationship with him So now I'm even worse off than before and I have to start all over again. I'm just exhausted of ME.

[mtnbiker3000]

It SUCKS!!! I know. I feel for ya. Take a deep breath... Just think, this won't last forever. You will feel better. You will find someone even better than what's his name... You will. We all will. Just have faith. Keep working on yourself and plowing forward. Then one day, out of the blue, it will hit you that you are over it

[Simon Phoenix]

It's just that it becomes a pattern for me. "Oh I'm going to go NC and get over him!" and then I go NC for a little while, and then I hit this mark where I feel like I'm okay and that maybe if I try to get back into certain parts of my old life, I'll be fine. I never am. I don't think he likes when I'm around. So then it hurts me really bad, and I continue on. This time, I found out he's been screwing someone else who doesn't even want to be in a relationship with him So now I'm even worse off than before and I have to start all over again. I'm just exhausted of ME.

 

You know the pattern, so stop the pattern. You know what happens when you slip. So stop slipping. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. You know contact doesn't do you any good, so don't contact. It's as simple as it sounds and you can do it.

[JDPT]

It certainly is a rough road, with many ups and downs, it takes a lot of work to get to where we need to be. It's difficult but not impossible. You mentioned you reach moments when you feel better and then revert back to your old habits. I'll use this analogy: when you are sick the doctor provides you antibiotics to take and finish completely. Now we may start to feel better after taking the antibiotic a few times, simply because you start feeling better doesn't mean you should stop taking it. The same applies with this process, day in and day out is a struggle and every day we need to fight just as hard to accomplish our objectives. Keep pushing forward, you are making progress albeit you may not see it, we all are. Oh and I've also had a day like yours where I had to make an excuse and leave early from work as the pain was just too much to handle, be strong we all go through this.

[iouaname]

Seriously... Get out of your own way.

 

How is a guy like me suppose to date you if you are being an idiot chasing after / upset / hung up on some idiot guy who would rather get used / abused by a girl that doesn't want him?

 

Would you rather be miserable or on a vacation with me in a 5 star hotel on an Island sipping an adult beverage at the pool and looking good in your bikini?

 

Personally, I'd rather be rubbing sun tan lotion on you in your bikini than seeing you this way.

 

Omg, I don't think I'll be able to subject another man to dating me for a long time. I know though, I'm my own worst enemy at this point.

 

I appreciate it, though ^_^

 

He has not responded to the no contact message, which I did not think he would (there really was not anything to respond to), so I'm just continuing forward. I took off of work for tomorrow, just to have some time to get my head together. I spoke to my nurse practitioner down at school about medication, and she told me to go see a family doctor and see if he'll give me something for the week, until I'm able to go back down to school and see her.

[iouaname]

You know the pattern, so stop the pattern. You know what happens when you slip. So stop slipping. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. You know contact doesn't do you any good, so don't contact. It's as simple as it sounds and you can do it.

 

I find it simple, yes, I just don't find it easy. At this point, I can either give up completely or just try again, so I'll try again and see where it gets me.

[iouaname]

It certainly is a rough road, with many ups and downs, it takes a lot of work to get to where we need to be. It's difficult but not impossible. You mentioned you reach moments when you feel better and then revert back to your old habits. I'll use this analogy: when you are sick the doctor provides you antibiotics to take and finish completely. Now we may start to feel better after taking the antibiotic a few times, simply because you start feeling better doesn't mean you should stop taking it. The same applies with this process, day in and day out is a struggle and every day we need to fight just as hard to accomplish our objectives. Keep pushing forward, you are making progress albeit you may not see it, we all are. Oh and I've also had a day like yours where I had to make an excuse and leave early from work as the pain was just too much to handle, be strong we all go through this.

 

Thank you. Yes, I am just going to keep pushing. I hit a rough patch, but at the very least -- I maintained my composure as far as everyone else is concerned and oddly enough, that means a lot to me. So I can see the progress that I have made, because before when something like this would happen, it was a much bigger mess.

[Simon Phoenix]

I find it simple, yes, I just don't find it easy. At this point, I can either give up completely or just try again, so I'll try again and see where it gets me.

 

Most things worth doing aren't easy. If life was easy everyone would be rich and successful.