"So you've been having sex with my wife?"

[michelangelo]

I don't believe in disclosure and I think it was a crappy thing to do. All is well in your marriage, but you could have really ruined her life and that is fine with you? Jesus.

 

The ruining of her would be by her cheating husband. The truth gives her back the ability to make informed decisions.

 

Her health is at risk for the cheater in her life.

 

Disclosure is a healthy adult thing to do. Not telling enables a cheater.

[So happy together]

Ok, I laughed at that.

 

But honestly, I don't see anyone here throwing the blame for Ian's affair on his APs magic vajayjay. In fact, I see Ian being scolded by all three sides of the triangle. As for the BH, yep, the BSs probably think he deserved to know. We're glad he wasn't just left being betrayed and used. It doesn't make Ian a saint but we're glad he was told anyway.

 

Well, to be fair, I was sort of generalizing, and I did say that when this thread was in the OW/OM forum so it was more a joke to them, I'm sure it's totally offensive as it's been moved. BUT... generally, not the op, this does happen. BS's blame often the OW for chasing their husband, wearing him down, etc. That was all I meant.

[BetrayedH]

Well, to be fair, I was sort of generalizing, and I did say that when this thread was in the OW/OM forum so it was more a joke to them, I'm sure it's totally offensive as it's been moved. BUT... generally, not the op, this does happen. BS's blame often the OW for chasing their husband, wearing him down, etc. That was all I meant.

 

Fair enough. I've been known to make a general statement from time to time myself. I appreciate when people have the humility to back off of them.

 

While I might agree that some BWs become overly-focused on the OW, I think the same can be said for OW becoming overly-focused on the BW. I am generalizing, of course, but I don't see it happen as often with men. It seems a bizarre competitive thing between (some) women that I really don't get. In my situation, I put little thought into my wife's OM. I mean, I do see him as a douche-bag that contributed to the ruination of two families but really, he was just a guy that was happy to bed my wife. I didn't obsess over him "seducing" my wife or portion more of the blame to him than was appropriate (I'm ok with half or thereabouts). It was really my wife's job to keep her legs closed.

 

Why do so many OW and BW get so competitive with one another when so often, it's the MM that played them both?

[So happy together]

Fair enough. I've been known to make a general statement from time to time myself. I appreciate when people have the humility to back off of them.

 

While I might agree that some BWs become overly-focused on the OW, I think the same can be said for OW becoming overly-focused on the BW. I am generalizing, of course, but I don't see it happen as often with men. It seems a bizarre competitive thing between (some) women that I really don't get. In my situation, I put little thought into my wife's OM. I mean, I do see him as a douche-bag that contributed to the ruination of two families but really, he was just a guy that was happy to bed my wife. I didn't obsess over him "seducing" my wife or portion more of the blame to him than was appropriate (I'm ok with half or thereabouts). It was really my wife's job to keep her legs closed.

 

Why do so many OW and BW get so competitive with one another when so often, it's the MM that played them both?

 

 

It's a good question and I really don't know except to say in my case... it wasn't so much feeling competitive, but more not liking how he was treated at home before he left. Now that he's left and the D is almost finished, I'm frustrated at her continued attempts to drag him back in to horrible dysfunction. Last weekend she sent 25 emails telling him how horrible he is for 'deserting her'. And to be fair, I understand why she feels that way. But all of these emails came between 11pm and 3am when she had been drinking. She calls him out on things that happened years ago, which just make him shake his head. So the thing is, not so much competition, just... lack of understanding and irritation on my part. But I won't lie, I was also jealous. When they were still together, even though they weren't really 'together', it was not easy for me to deal with. Some OM/OW are fine and even happy in a parallel relationship, I just wasn't one of those and thankfully neither was he.

 

I always think of two cats and one bird. Out come the claws...

[ChooseTruth]

Anyone ever fessed up in that way?

 

I've seen lots of accounts of OW ratting out their MMs but this is the first time I've seen an OM report that they've ratted out their mOW.

 

I've been on this forum for almost 2 years now. My old account is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/178736-ninja-shusband/

 

(do people ever look for the actual questions in thread starters??)

 

I can give unsolicited opinions like all the rest... I'm a BH so I fall pretty squarely in that camp. The BH deserved to know and if he was making jokes about "air guns" then probably the conversation wasn't as caustic as it could have been. My bet is Ian was cordial and non blaming...otherwise he probably would have been strangled through the phone! But yeah whatever the motivation (and from Ian's words there was some revenge in there) it was the right thing to do. I believe in choosing truth instead of preserving lies. I saw a FB post the other day, "The only people who object to truth being told are the ones who are living a lie". Any affair addict is living a lie obviously... Now hopefully this BH won't have a day like I did where his WW comes to him and says she's pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. No man should have to go through that. I don't care how bad you think "ruining his marriage" or "getting revenge" is, affairs are DANGEROUS and people should be warned ASAP. If my neighbor's house is on fire in the middle of the night I will definitely make sure they know instead of saying, "oh that's their business...I don't want to disturb their peaceful slumber." The WS is the one ruining the marriage, not the one telling the BS that the WS is ruining it (or even the AP....seriously...WSs could control themselves...)

[BetrayedH]

I've seen lots of accounts of OW ratting out their MMs but this is the first time I've seen an OM report that they've ratted out their mOW.

 

I've been on this forum for almost 2 years now. My old account is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/178736-ninja-shusband/

 

(do people ever look for the actual questions in thread starters??)

 

I can give unsolicited opinions like all the rest... I'm a BH so I fall pretty squarely in that camp. The BH deserved to know and if he was making jokes about "air guns" then probably the conversation wasn't as caustic as it could have been. My bet is Ian was cordial and non blaming...otherwise he probably would have been strangled through the phone! But yeah whatever the motivation (and from Ian's words there was some revenge in there) it was the right thing to do. I believe in choosing truth instead of preserving lies. I saw a FB post the other day, "The only people who object to truth being told are the ones who are living a lie". Any affair addict is living a lie obviously... Now hopefully this BH won't have a day like I did where his WW comes to him and says she's pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. No man should have to go through that. I don't care how bad you think "ruining his marriage" or "getting revenge" is, affairs are DANGEROUS and people should be warned ASAP. If my neighbor's house is on fire in the middle of the night I will definitely make sure they know instead of saying, "oh that's their business...I don't want to disturb their peaceful slumber." The WS is the one ruining the marriage, not the one telling the BS that the WS is ruining it (or even the AP....seriously...WSs could control themselves...)

 

Like the post, and the new username, NH.

[troubadour]

W threatened me that either she calls AP's H or I do.

So I did. No choice.

 

W had her own EA shortly after and quit it soon after. So we both wronged, forgave each other an are happily back together.

 

 

Why do you think it was only EA? It's very comforting for you to belive it never went physical but let's be realistic here. You two were separated at the time after your extramarital sexapades with OW and your wife is having her revange affair to get even with you.... why do you think she wouldn't bang the other dude?

 

It's a bit comical that you're attempting to present yourself as a "conqueror" who took other man's wife but you are clearly struggling with accepting the fact that your own wife found some "harmony" between the sheets with the other dude.

 

But, unlikely you, your wife is a classy woman who knows how to keep the intimate details to herself.

[Realist3]

If my neighbor's house is on fire in the middle of the night I will definitely make sure they know instead of saying, "oh that's their business...I don't want to disturb their peaceful slumber."

 

 

Very poor analogy, but it did make me chuckle by the gargantuan leap of logic.

 

Nobody is under immediate threat of great bodily injury or death from not being told about an affair.

[ladydesigner]

Fair enough. I've been known to make a general statement from time to time myself. I appreciate when people have the humility to back off of them.

 

While I might agree that some BWs become overly-focused on the OW, I think the same can be said for OW becoming overly-focused on the BW. I am generalizing, of course, but I don't see it happen as often with men. It seems a bizarre competitive thing between (some) women that I really don't get. In my situation, I put little thought into my wife's OM. I mean, I do see him as a douche-bag that contributed to the ruination of two families but really, he was just a guy that was happy to bed my wife. I didn't obsess over him "seducing" my wife or portion more of the blame to him than was appropriate (I'm ok with half or thereabouts). It was really my wife's job to keep her legs closed.

 

Why do so many OW and BW get so competitive with one another when so often, it's the MM that played them both?

 

It's funny you bring this up because I did not feel competitive at all with MOW. I was angry at my WH because this was not something new. Although this time it was with someone I feared having it happen with and he still went ahead with it. The more time out from this the more I realize how disrespected I was and I am currently working on why I would ever allow that to happen. We are in R, but it is shaky on my part. The MOW told me recently that I obsess about her all day long , I can't say that I don't, I do but not in a bad way, more of a how could this happen to me, why did my WH do this, why did MOW do this. I obsess about the A not her in general. Sometimes I obsess over the harsh things she has said to me.

 

At this point I no longer consider any of this a competition. I just want my WH to figure himself out. I know who I am and what I want out of life and if he cannot become the stand up man that I need him to be...adios!

[screwedovertwenty]

Fair enough. I've been known to make a general statement from time to time myself. I appreciate when people have the humility to back off of them.

 

While I might agree that some BWs become overly-focused on the OW, I think the same can be said for OW becoming overly-focused on the BW. I am generalizing, of course, but I don't see it happen as often with men. It seems a bizarre competitive thing between (some) women that I really don't get. In my situation, I put little thought into my wife's OM. I mean, I do see him as a douche-bag that contributed to the ruination of two families but really, he was just a guy that was happy to bed my wife. I didn't obsess over him "seducing" my wife or portion more of the blame to him than was appropriate (I'm ok with half or thereabouts). It was really my wife's job to keep her legs closed.

 

Why do so many OW and BW get so competitive with one another when so often, it's the MM that played them both?

 

I feel like I was played by both of them. He flirted, she offered her number, he told her he was married, she said she didn't care, he took the number, thought about it for a few days and called her. It was supposed to be just once. Then when it happened again, WS made sure she knew it was "just sex". She was cool with that. Within the year that it went on, he reminded her a few more times. Each time she said she knew. He never lied to her. Only to me.

 

When I found out, he said they were just friends and I told him to go to her. I told him I was moving to Texas or Florida with the kids and that he was going to need a friend. I believed it was just an EA at that point. He took my advice and went to her and asked her if she would be there for him if I left. Without hesitation, she said yes.

 

I realized before he did that it was not just sex to her. I felt bad for her, until she got nasty with me. I did not deserve the venom she spewed at me.

 

There has been no contact since January 6, 2013, but I cannot get her out of my head. I am probably overlyfocused on her because I do not know her real name and cannot find a trace of her online. I want to know what she is doing these days and I would like to think she feels some remorse over what she did and the things she said after.

 

I know that this is a total threadjack. Sorry, I just really felt compelled to reply to this statement.

 

As for the original post, I am glad that the OP told the OW's husband. He deserved to know. I would have been grateful to have been told, no matter what the reasons behind it.

[ChooseTruth]

Very poor analogy, but it did make me chuckle by the gargantuan leap of logic.

 

Nobody is under immediate threat of great bodily injury or death from not being told about an affair.

Unless you get AIDS and die.

http://www.news-gazette.com/arts-entertainment/local/2010-02-21/central-graduates-film-hivaids-puts-face-disease.html

IT happens. Affairs kill people, split families up, create children caught between two families. They create illegitimate children that only one spouse is responsible for.

 

I just read of a case where a woman got an STD while pregnant, from her cheating H. Yuck.

 

In our case a life was created and extinguished...

I watched my exwife go through a "spontaneous abortion" which means an early miscarriage. It was bloody and extremely traumatic for her, not to mention the baby... Wouldn't have happened if she had been faithful.

 

 

And even if affairs didn't have remote life threatening consequences the analogy still stands, they are incredibly damaging if left unchecked and BSs should be warned.

Edited August 20, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[BetrayedH]

Unless you get AIDS and die.

Central graduate's film on HIV/AIDS 'puts a face on the disease' | News-Gazette.com

IT happens. Affairs kill people, split families up, create children caught between two families. They create illegitimate children that only one spouse is responsible for.

 

I just read of a case where a woman got an STD while pregnant, from her cheating H. Yuck.

 

In our case a life was created and extinguished...

I watched my exwife go through a "spontaneous abortion" which means an early miscarriage. It was bloody and extremely traumatic for her, not to mention the baby... Wouldn't have happened if she had been faithful.

 

 

And even if affairs didn't have remote life threatening consequences the analogy still stands, they are incredibly damaging if left unchecked and BSs should be warned.

 

I agree.

 

Being played a fool while you waste precious years of your life should also not be underestimated. I want the 12 years of my life back that I wasted on that marriage. I also want the subsequent 12 back where I am stuck living within a 30-mile radius of that bitch so we can co-parent together. Affairs steal years away from a person's life that they will never get back. Have the balls to fess up so at least THAT can stop.

[Realist3]

Unless you get AIDS and die.

Central graduate's film on HIV/AIDS 'puts a face on the disease' | News-Gazette.com

IT happens. Affairs kill people, split families up, create children caught between two families. They create illegitimate children that only one spouse is responsible for.

 

I just read of a case where a woman got an STD while pregnant, from her cheating H. Yuck.

 

In our case a life was created and extinguished...

I watched my exwife go through a "spontaneous abortion" which means an early miscarriage. It was bloody and extremely traumatic for her, not to mention the baby... Wouldn't have happened if she had been faithful.

 

 

And even if affairs didn't have remote life threatening consequences the analogy still stands, they are incredibly damaging if left unchecked and BSs should be warned.

 

 

Do you know the infection rate of HIV, much less AIDS in the West? Basically it is almost nil. Again the analogy was terrible against a known immediate danger.

 

The bolded out part of what you stated actually disproves the analogy. I'm not discounting the fact that they can cause damage, but your approach ensures that they will in fact cause damage.

[ChooseTruth]

I agree.

 

Being played a fool while you waste precious years of your life should also not be underestimated. I want the 12 years of my life back that I wasted on that marriage. I also want the subsequent 12 back where I am stuck living within a 30-mile radius of that bitch so we can co-parent together. Affairs steal years away from a person's life that they will never get back. Have the balls to fess up so at least THAT can stop.

This just kills me...and I have enormous alimony on top of that.... Still waiting for her lawyer to send some documents to finalize. But even when I'm finally "divorced" I'm not free at all. I can't pursue a different career because I need to A) Keep this job so I can afford to support her for 3 more years B) Stay close so I don't lose access to my daughter, because you know who will get custody if I move.

[ChooseTruth]

Do you know the infection rate of HIV, much less AIDS in the West? Basically it is almost nil. Again the analogy was terrible against a known immediate danger.

 

The bolded out part of what you stated actually disproves the analogy. I'm not discounting the fact that they can cause damage, but your approach ensures that they will in fact cause damage.

 

So to you it no harm done if I have to raise someone else's kid? That's not a risk I want to take. And don't tell me it's uncommon...it very nearly happened to me.

 

You know when truth is dangerous and complicating? When lies precede it....because lies are dangerous and complicating. Realist, it's not the messenger's fault. Really.

[Realist3]

So to you it no harm done if I have to raise someone else's kid? That's not a risk I want to take. And don't tell me it's uncommon...it very nearly happened to me.

 

You know when truth is dangerous and complicating? When lies precede it....because lies are dangerous and complicating. Realist, it's not the messenger's fault. Really.

 

At the end of the day, and you did end up raising someone else's kid, how has it really harmed you if you didn't know it wasn't yours? Or even if you did? You could certainly make the case that you were emotionally harmed if you could out, but certainly not the extent of facing some grave danger.

 

The point being is that in no way form or fashion does exposing an affair amount to warning someone that they might be in some immediate life threatening danger. You made a bad analogy.

 

 

I understand that to some folks that being cheated on wrecks their world, and I have empathy for that, but it is not the end of the world.

 

In the case of the OP, he not only made the poor decision to have the affair, but he decided to wreck his AP's world because he got busted and didn't want her to be with anyone else. Motives mean something. He could have taken his lumps for his mistake, but no, he wanted her to feel the same pain he was as an act of revenge. That's wrong.

[ChooseTruth]

At the end of the day, and you did end up raising someone else's kid, how has it really harmed you if you didn't know it wasn't yours? Or even if you did? You could certainly make the case that you were emotionally harmed if you could out, but certainly not the extent of facing some grave danger.

 

The point being is that in no way form or fashion does exposing an affair amount to warning someone that they might be in some immediate life threatening danger. You made a bad analogy.

 

 

I understand that to some folks that being cheated on wrecks their world, and I have empathy for that, but it is not the end of the world.

 

In the case of the OP, he not only made the poor decision to have the affair, but he decided to wreck his AP's world because he got busted and didn't want her to be with anyone else. Motives mean something. He could have taken his lumps for his mistake, but no, he wanted her to feel the same pain he was as an act of revenge. That's wrong.

Yeah I'm not going to talk about this anymore. I showed you how someone actually died because of infidelity. YOu think having raising other people's children is no big deal. And you still hold. I just shouldn't engage adulterers at all. You have too much pride at stake.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I, MWS was in a 3 month affair with a MW, decided enough was enough and called my AP's husband and spilled the beans. One hell of a conversation lasting about 30 minutes.

Two reasons...

1. Tried once prior but succumbed to AP's crying on the phone and "fell back in", so I thought this way its definitely going to stop (which it did)

2. Sincerely felt for her H (yeah, I know, a bit late) and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to... and to ensure he kept her away from all contact with me.

So was I spiteful and vindictive doing that? Probably, at the time I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, as otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me)

No Contact rule has since been unbroken (3 months now), although I do get a lot of hang-up calls at work since that time... Guessing its AP's husband checking that I'm at work and not with his wife.

Anyway, since then W and I have reconciled and all is well,,,

 

Anyone ever fessed up in that way?

 

It's a little unusual, but not unheard of, for the affair partner to tell the betrayed spouse. Sometimes it was because the affair partner found out the cheating spouse was lying about their marital/relationship status (e.g., saying they were separated when they were not), sometimes it was because the affair partner thought that they could force a divorce and have the cheater all to themselves, sometimes it was because the betrayed spouse caught them and made it a condition of reconciling.

 

I am a betrayed husband and I would appreciate knowing if my wife were cheating on me, no matter the source, no matter the intentions. I must disagree with anyone who feels it is OK to lie to me or cheat on me.

[Realist3]

Was that what your mom told your dad?

 

LOL! You shouldn't allow yourself to be so hurt. You just punked youself.

[Realist3]

Yeah I'm not going to talk about this anymore. I showed you how someone actually died because of infidelity. YOu think having raising other people's children is no big deal. And you still hold. I just shouldn't engage adulterers at all. You have too much pride at stake.

 

I can't tell you what you should or should not do, but if you think it is some horrible thing to raise another human being whom you will likely love, whether they came from you loins or not. you probably should disengage.

[Journee]

Realist Wrote : Do you know the infection rate of HIV, much less AIDS in the West? Basically it is almost nil. Again the analogy was terrible against a known immediate danger.

 

The bolded out part of what you stated actually disproves the analogy. I'm not discounting the fact that they can cause damage, but your approach ensures that they will in fact cause damage.

"

 

 

 

This has got to be the most surprising dismissal that I see on the boards. The lack of concern for sexual health. HIV may not seem immediate or dangerous to some but my specific demographic's statistics are alarming. According to the CDC in 2010 black people made up %12 of the population in the U.S. but %44 of those living with the disease. Terrifying and sobering in my opinion. My husband is black and so are his AP's. So am I and our children and so on. Now, take my demographic out of the loop and add in the other infections and disease that are spread the incidence is unbelievable. I found out I was carrying two strains off HPV that can lead to cervical cancer. While I was pregnant. I also had precancerous lesions on my cervix and was devastatingly scared. Guess who put me at risk? My cheating husband. I let AP know. So she could ensure her health. There is no way to know when or if someone will be infected. Especially when not involved in a sexually monogamous situation. My husband's AP's didn't know my sexual history either. They put their lives in my cheating husband's hands.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you Realist lol just .... this always bothers me. Some AP's talk about testing and such but that does nothing to prevent. Once you contract something that is that. Who is to say what an AP's B.S. is doing with their free time? Maybe a double deception? A's are dangerous. How can that be such an after thought?

Edited August 21, 2013 by Journee

[Realist3]

Realist Wrote : Do you know the infection rate of HIV, much less AIDS in the West? Basically it is almost nil. Again the analogy was terrible against a known immediate danger.

 

The bolded out part of what you stated actually disproves the analogy. I'm not discounting the fact that they can cause damage, but your approach ensures that they will in fact cause damage.

"

 

 

 

This has got to be the most surprising dismissal that I see on the boards. The lack of concern for sexual health. HIV may not seem immediate or dangerous to some but my specific demographic's statistics are alarming. According to the CDC in 2010 black people made up %12 of the population in the U.S. but %44 of those living with the disease. Terrifying and sobering in my opinion. My husband is black and so are his AP's. So am I and our children and so on. Now, take my demographic out of the loop and add in the other infections and disease that are spread the incidence is unbelievable. I found out I was carrying two strains off HPV that can lead to cervical cancer. While I was pregnant. I also had precancerous lesions on my cervix and was devastatingly scared. Guess who put me at risk? My cheating husband. I let AP know. So she could ensure her health. There is no way to know when or if someone will be infected. Especially when not involved in a sexually monogamous situation. My husband's AP's didn't know my sexual history either. They put their lives in my cheating husband's hands.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you Realist lol just .... this always bothers me. Some AP's talk about testing and such but that does nothing to prevent. Once you contract something that is that. Who is to say what an AP's B.S. is doing with their free time? Maybe a double deception? A's are dangerous. How can that be such an after thought?

 

 

That is all well and good, but even amongst the AA population is is fairly rare. I'm not dismissing the risk out of hand, but what I am saying is that the need to yell "fire" is not even remotely within the house as a necessary means to disclose anything.

[Journee]

"

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is all well and good, but even amongst the AA population is is fairly rare. I'm not dismissing the risk out of hand, but what I am saying is that the need to yell "fire" is not even remotely within the house as a necessary means to disclose anything.

 

 

 

I just don't get it. Perhaps I never will. Had I not been pregnant and already asked to receive testing ...I would not had known my status. I admit I have been guilty of not going to my annuals. I will never make that mistake again.

 

 

Even if HIV specifically is not a concern for most... there are many other infections and diseases. Some of which are now developing tolerance to treatment. Becoming super bugs. I see how OP's motives seem cruddy but I imagine most people desire truth about their own lives. At least for health's sake.

[ian1966]

How about you all take this disease stuff to another thread?

[Journee]

How about you all take this disease stuff to another thread

 

 

It has a lot to do with why some people think the BS should be told. Seems on topic. I thought you did the right thing because of this fact specifically.

 

It's your thread though so good luck.