"So you've been having sex with my wife?"

[ian1966]

Hi, thanks for your replies...

 

wanting more One more thing. Maybe your title should read "I'VE been having sex with YOUR wife".

 

Actually I was quoting from a sentence said to me by the AP's H during THE phone call.

 

So happy together

My guess? if his BS knows at all, he didn't tell her, she found him out and since he's been found out he now wants MOW to suffer as well.

 

My W knows everything. Every little detail - and I mean EVERY detail.

She found out early on, I left for 2 months which she suggested so that I could "find myself" (geez that cliche is used a lot huh?) Anyway I did, realizing how much I loved her (and her me) and we have completely reconciled. You may think "thats too fast" but W also took some blame for being a "very bad wife" (no affair, but in other ways) and driving me to such an extreme.

 

I went through hell early on in the reconciliation process (first few weeks) - would you really not want the AP to feel ANY consequences at all for betraying her H (as she def would have got away scott free had I not called APs H) at all, given that SHE chased ME, SHE violated NC ?

 

Yes, I did reciprocate, felt sorry for her (I'm a sucker for a woman in tears, screaming hysterically down the phone...) and fell back in... but there was NO PHYSICAL CONTACT between first NC declaration and THAT call to APs H, just emails/calls/texts...

 

Jane Doe The best way to NOT endure the downside of cheating is to NOT cheat on or with someone.

 

ya think? sorry, but circular definitions amuse me. (not meaning to be rude)

Thanks, I have been completely transparent.

 

serial muse

That said, it doesn't sound like "all is well" at all. You sound like you're still extremely angry at your AP (perhaps still hung up on her), and I notice that your W isn't much of a character in the triad you describe above. I also don't understand why you'd say you wanted to tell your AP's H what kind of woman she is, but don't think the same of yourself. You sound like you're blaming your affair on her. I wonder if that's what you told your wife.

 

If I were she (your wife), I'd be highly suspicious of this, and would wonder how much responsibility you're really taking for your own decisions. Doesn't sound like your heart is really in the reconciliation. So again, if I were your wife, I'd be extremely worried about what next.

 

But still, good on you for telling, regardless of why. I think you'll find that most former BS are going to take that Machiavellian stance, because it's very difficult to have a reconciliation of any kind without the truth being out there. Did you tell your wife at the same time (voluntarily, that is)?

 

Nope, not angry one bit. Life is great. Wife is happy.

I take full responsibility for my involvement in the A. My W and I have TOTALLY reconciled and have even "fallen in love again", we cant get enough of each other - don't say "hysterical bonding" because it isn't at all. We are just so deeply in love now that this has "shaken our tree".

 

Yes I told my W voluntarily about the A early on.

 

 

thecharade I take no issue with you telling her BH. It's his M and I feel badly for what he's going through.

 

But I would ask all the BWs on here how they'd feel if Ian was their H? Joining an OW/OM forum to discuss his AP? After 3 months in R? Hmmmm. Sounds like he's giving her quite a bit of head space. Where's the mental NC I've heard so much about?

 

Must be because he cares/cared, right? What else could it be at 3 months?

 

And that's the problem right there, Ian. Your motives. Your obsession after 3 months in R. And I'm sorry, but your first post sounded mighty bitter and vindictive, not at all compassionate toward her, her BH, or his BW.

 

I smell a broken heart in that post, Ian.

 

No broken heart at all. Don't even think about AP. Only posting here as I thought my situation was unusual and I was curious as to whether this sort of thing has happened before, and I have been a long time reader of these forums and honestly respect your opinions.

 

Most times the AP tells their AP's BS about the affair so the BS divorces their WS so the WS is then free to be with the AP full time.

 

That is not justification for exposing by the AP.

 

Now you said you exposed the WS because you wanted the BS help to end the affair and have NC for life. That is half good.

 

Half good?

 

Half good because you did not say that you the WH confessed to your BW. You only stated that you told the BH. You did not state if you told your BW.

 

What is good for one is good for the other.

 

Sorry, as per my previous comment in this post, I confessed to my BS very early on.

 

affairaddict Oh she had an emotional attachment to you and said I love you. Boo hoo. What did you expect when you got involved?

 

You 're female right? Well we (AP and I) discussed this early on, she even verbally scolded me when I referred to sex as "making love", insisting this was reserved for those actually in love... what do I take from that?

BTW, interesting username.....

 

Ruffian1 You did the right thing. Her H has a right to know, no spouse wants to be kept in the dark about their life. Kudos!

 

Thanks.

 

LimeBlue You also fail to mention what type of man her H is - we all assume he is a great kind man, but what if he is a controlling, abusive, narcissistic bastard who will abuse her even more with his controlling ways thanks to what you did?

 

So do tell more - what kind of life have you left her with now? Have you ever considered how she may perhaps be trapped due to various reasons?

 

If of course she has a fantastic H, then none of this will be an issue, and you should not be concerning yourself with it either then?

 

Well I asked AP that, if he was violent, abusive, etc.. to which she said definately not. He does have a gun however... then clarified it as an air rifle ... what distance are they dangerous from ?

 

I've left her with the consequences of her own actions... I have dealt with mine. Is it so bad that my recovery has been great and hers, well, I don't really know except that they are still together and in MC.

 

Why should I concern myself with Ap and her H's issues?

 

So you cannot have her, so you are making darn sure nobody else can either?

 

All I see written in your post is spite and vengeance. There was nothing good about your intentions whatsoever.

 

So I should not have assisted her H in knowing then?

No,no,no spite nor vengeance at all... I don't hate her or her H. I feel empathy for her H. I see other posters have already disagreed (IMHO rightly so) with your last statement.

[BeholdtheMan]

You did nothing wrong. If a woman (or man) decides to have an affair, she runs the risk of being outted by the AP. If she doesn't like that risk...she can always avoid having an affair.

 

My attitude to your AP is basically...tough sh*t. There are consequences to affairs and betrayal. Your AP isn't honour-bound to keep your dirty secret and neither do you need to keep hers.

[ian1966]

You did nothing wrong. If a woman (or man) decides to have an affair, she runs the risk of being outted by the AP. If she doesn't like that risk...she can always avoid having an affair.

 

My attitude to your AP is basically...tough sh*t. There are consequences to affairs and betrayal. Your AP isn't honour-bound to keep your dirty secret and neither do you need to keep hers.

 

Thanks. Appreciate the support.

[wanting more]

[quote name=

 

My W knows everything. Every little detail - and I mean EVERY detail.

She found out early on, I left for 2 months which she suggested so that I could "find myself" (geez that cliche is used a lot huh?) Anyway I did, realizing how much I loved her (and her me) and we have completely reconciled. You may think "thats too fast" but W also took some blame for being a "very bad wife" (no affair, but in other ways) and driving me to such an extreme.

 

I went through hell early on in the reconciliation process (first few weeks) - would you really not want the AP to feel ANY consequences at all for betraying her H (as she def would have got away scott free had I not called APs H) at all, given that SHE chased ME, SHE violated NC ?

 

 

Yes I told my W voluntarily about the A early .[/quote]

 

Wow. Do you know my xMM?? That was his story too "she chased me"

 

Where do you live??? Must be closer to Hell than most people, as you've been there and back within a couple months and it takes most people longer on the return trip than you took

 

As far as the "very bad wife" comment, I'll just sit back with some popcorn and interest, cause I bet you'll get a lot of feedback on that one.

 

But answer this question from before, why are you here now? What are you looking for from the OW/OM board?

[Realist3]

I, MWS was in a 3 month affair with a MW, decided enough was enough and called my AP's husband and spilled the beans. One hell of a conversation lasting about 30 minutes.

Two reasons...

1. Tried once prior but succumbed to AP's crying on the phone and "fell back in", so I thought this way its definitely going to stop (which it did)

2. Sincerely felt for her H (yeah, I know, a bit late) and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to... and to ensure he kept her away from all contact with me.

So was I spiteful and vindictive doing that? Probably, at the time I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, as otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me)

No Contact rule has since been unbroken (3 months now), although I do get a lot of hang-up calls at work since that time... Guessing its AP's husband checking that I'm at work and not with his wife.

Anyway, since then W and I have reconciled and all is well,,,

 

Anyone ever fessed up in that way?

 

I know a lot of people, especially BS's, don't care about intent, but man, that is low.

[ian1966]

But answer this question from before, why are you here now? What are you looking for from the OW/OM board?

 

Well since I am the OM from AP's point of view, I am asking...

1. Do you think I did the right thing? (which will be colored by each posters experiences no doubt, which I take into account)

2. My calling the AP's H seemed unusual (to me, from reading a lot of posts here) and I am asking has anyone done this before and how did it go?

3. Insight into myself from a psychological standpoint (which has been great and really prompted self-analysis)

4. Interested in the reactions from you all, good and bad.

5. Curious as to if the responses are polarized or a general consensus is apparent in a particular way.

 

Is that enough? I could list more, but I think you are a little pi*ssed, perhaps your own experience was far rougher and you think I deserved more severe consequences? Jealous?

 

 

No offence intended.

[wanting more]

Well since I am the OM from AP's point of view, I am asking...

1. Do you think I did the right thing? (which will be colored by each posters experiences no doubt, which I take into account)

 

**** tell/don't tell, your decision. But please don't make it "I felt bad for her BH", the way you tell it, I don't think you felt bad for him, I think you were pissed because you got caught and had to fess up and she didn't, so you changed that*****

 

 

2. My calling the AP's H seemed unusual (to me, from reading a lot of posts here) and I am asking has anyone done this before and how did it go?

 

** I didnt call xMM BW so someone else can give you their experience****

 

 

3. Insight into myself from a psychological standpoint (which has been great and really prompted self-analysis)

 

*** keep looking for self-analysis, I think you're pretty sick (not for telling her BH, but coming on here with this self righteous attitude of WHY you told****

 

4. Interested in the reactions from you all, good and bad.

 

*** mine are pretty bad******

 

 

5. Curious as to if the responses are polarized or a general consensus is apparent in a particular way.

 

**** you'll probably get 2 general consensus. BS and OW/OM and they'll be very different****

 

 

Is that enough? I could list more, but I think you are a little pi*ssed, perhaps your own experience was far rougher and you think I deserved more severe consequences? Jealous?

 

**** nope. I'm not jealous. I feel sorry for everyone in your situation. You because your wife was "a bad wife" (please know that was a smartas comment). Your wife because you've convinced her your A was partly her fault and your OW just because she had the very unfortunate luck of meeting you *****

 

No offence intended

******** I don't get offended by strangers******

 

 

 

 

******Typing on my phone. My answers are in your quote*******

[sadwithouthim]

I'm somewhere in the middle on this one. I do think it was vengeful, but it could have actually helped their marriage that you told him.

 

I'm MW in EA (currently NC for 47 days) with OM for 4 1/2 years. My marriage was very bad, and my husband was emotionally abusive and narcissistic. My A was never physical, as it was very long distance. I told my husband 6 months into it, and it caused him to really take a look at himself and the marriage.

 

He has taken a lot of accountability for the affair (which is amazing considering his narcissistic personality), and pleads with me to stay and work on the marriage.

[veryhappy]

wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to... and to ensure he kept her away from all contact with me.

 

What sort of woman? The sort of woman you had no problem using being the same sort of man, and then used to go back to your M and fall in love all over again with all your hysterical bonding. What else do you think that is? You keep asking if anyone has been there before. Yes, all stories have been written and you are probably not the first one to go through what you are going through. You are not in the majority for confessing so quickly, but it probably has to do with your view of the world, and that the affair was actually intended as a wake up call for the wife.

 

Well since I am the OM from AP's point of view, I am asking...

1. Do you think I did the right thing? (which will be colored by each posters experiences no doubt, which I take into account)

Are you expecting a round of applause? Post on the infidelity forum. Yes, most people like you would say that both BS deserved to know.

 

2. My calling the AP's H seemed unusual (to me, from reading a lot of posts here) and I am asking has anyone done this before and how did it go?

Not the main story happening. The result is what you experienced though. The affair ends when brought to life, and the MOM in the scheme gets to bond hysterically with the woman he didn't give a **** a few weeks ago enough to stay loyal to her.

 

 

3. Insight into myself from a psychological standpoint (which has been great and really prompted self-analysis)

Self-righteous, full of yourself, high sense of right and wrong, the world seems very black and white to you, selfish and very focused on the outcome for you.

 

Possible denied sexual fantesies. You see women as whores and virgins, and you might desire the whores on some level only to be able to punish them afterwords. If you have a thing going on, all your wife's sex won't fix you and you might repeat the story.

 

 

5. Curious as to if the responses are polarized or a general consensus is apparent in a particular way.

 

We are always tickled silly to be someone's curious experiment. Wouldn't you be better off spending that time in that amazing marriage of yours?

 

Is that enough? I could list more, but I think you are a little pi*ssed, perhaps your own experience was far rougher and you think I deserved more severe consequences? Jealous?

 

If you think you'll get away with it so easily, you are in for your big surprise. That woman of yours will wake up very angry one day after she'll feel safe enough that she's not losing you. You'll spend years paying for your mistake and regaining her trust.

[So happy together]

Really? So I should have had not called him, and had her chasing after me?

She has an emotional attachment to me (yes "I love you" from her) and would have just let it go? I don't think so... already tried that and it failed.

 

So you think her husband should be left in the dark, and not know about his wife's behavior? Not my "right" to do that?

 

It really wasn't done out of spite, I could have let a LOT of people she associated with know... but I thought that's up to her hubby. They need MC and are getting it. -Quoted by Ian...

 

That is correct. You should NOT have called. If she was chasing you, maybe that was YOUR consequence for cheating and you should have dealt with it as such without calling her H. She has an emotional attachment because you were lovers. That's your and her fault. You pay your consequence and let her deal with hers.

 

I think if she chooses to tell him, then she should. Or even if your BS, had she chosen to do so, but you? No way, you had no right.

 

Of course it was done out of spite. The thing is, it's is crystal clear to all of us. Why deny it? Own it. Like, you've made things right in your life in such a smooth manner and are so much better than everyone else. You're not. Your MOW was probably suffering on her own and that should have been her consequence unless others came along, but not at your hand. And your wife? I wonder if that poor girl thinks you are as 'happily reconciled' as you do. She just 'poof' magically trusted you again? Uh-uh. Women are not built that way.

 

You realize when you told her H, you could have opened the door to a sh*tstorm for yourself, right? She could have called your employer, your clergy, your friends, whomever. She could have humiliated your BS, hurt her irreparably. And you know, it could still happen. I mean, if she kept breaking no contact, doesn't know the 'rules of the game' anything could happen, right? Think you are untouchable? Think again.

 

There was a thread on this the other day and I said my boyfriends stbxw wasn't a threat, and I really don't think she is, but at one time, she could have been. It could have been disastrous. I just thought I was untouchable. I was glad for that thread because I learned a lot. I hope you learn from this one. Even if you think she deserved consequences... NOT your place.

[ian1966]

W threatened me that either she calls AP's H or I do.

So I did. No choice.

 

W had her own EA shortly after and quit it soon after. So we both wronged, forgave each other an are happily back together.

[anne1707]

W threatened me that either she calls AP's H or I do.

So I did. No choice.

 

W had her own EA shortly after and quit it soon after. So we both wronged, forgave each other an are happily back together.

 

But this "happily back together"just does not quite sound accurate to me. You are only 3 months past dday which is 2 to 5 years ahead of the game for the reconciliation process to be complete. Plus you said you don't think about the OW which is blatantly untrue by this thread. You still feel anger and hostility towards her. Not thinking about her would mean indifference, not anger.

[ian1966]

But this "happily back together"just does not quite sound accurate to me. You are only 3 months past dday which is 2 to 5 years ahead of the game for the reconciliation process to be complete.

 

Let me put things in a little more context.. since you claim to know everything about how long things should take...

 

We have been together for 25 years.... our marriage really was in the "sh*t chute" no communication, very little physical contact, D E A D.... staying together more for companionship...

 

Now since my A, and W's shortly afterward (which was an EA) we both found each other again, worked out our issues, made the same deal with an exit clause if either of us so much as contact our ex-AP's.

We realized just how deep we are into each other, communication is open and completely honest (like I said I told her every excruciating detail, including the sex acts) we fell in complete and total love... like never before, better than before we married in fact. It is NOT HYSTERICAL BONDING. We have an agree d time each week to ask each other any questions concerning our A's, and TELL NO LIES.

 

Plus you said you don't think about the OW which is blatantly untrue by this thread. You still feel anger and hostility towards her. Not thinking about her would mean indifference, not anger.

 

I don't think about AP ever, only when W asks me about it. I associate the whole A with very negative emotions, and refer to both ours as our "dark period" and actually are GLAD we had them as it has opened our eyes, invigorated our lives to an incredible degree. We now go out every weekend, are very affectionate and really are amazed at the wonder in which we now see each other. We DO NOT HARBOR ANY ILL FEELINGS TOWARDS EACH OTHER. Let sleeping dogs lie, life is just too short.

 

BTW I have taken up studying marriage counselling (with intent to become one) and the techniques used and applied them to our situation with incredible success.

 

I truly am not angry at AP. Indifferent yes. Recall I said either my W was going to call AP's H if I did not. He actually thanked me for telling him, was upset but in no way angry towards me. Cool huh?

 

I'm sure that's going to stir you up, just cant believe it, no?

 

blatantly untrue

rubbish. What because I said she should not get away "scot-free" ? Or that her H should know what sort of woman he is married to? They are purely logical thoughts with no emotional attachment whatsoever. Recall I HAD NO CHOICE but to call him. My W knew all about her, all details, phone numbers, address, etc...

 

So I did it. You think it was easy? No I don't want accolades or praise.

It truly has been a silver lining, and my W and I BOTH AGREE that these A's have been the BEST THING that ever happened to us. EXCEPT for the immediate aftermath of DDAY and the crying in each others arms for a week or so... We truly have put it behind us.

[LimeBlue]

BTW I have taken up studying marriage counselling (with intent to become one) and the techniques used and applied them to our situation with incredible success.

 

And this ^^^ is exactly why I refuse all marriage counseling, and nor will I EVER support MC of any sort for ANYONE. It is nothing but a time and money waster with counselors getting off on their own narcissism supply by being in such a position.

 

Don't feed the troll people.

[WakingUp]

Ian, I don't think you should be in the OW OM forum.

 

If I could say what I want to, I am quite sure I would be banned for life.

 

Just go away. You belong in infidelity... let the BS tear you limb from limb.

[affairaddict]

3 months out of A still pining over your ex AP and you want to become a MC. Crikey. You are more in denial here than most OW..

[Calcmag]

3 months out of A still pining over your ex AP and you want to become a MC. Crikey. You are more in denial here than most OW..

 

affairaddict - he says he's not pining, just doing all this more for public service

[anne1707]

Let me put things in a little more context.. since you claim to know everything about how long things should take...

 

.....................

 

EXCEPT for the immediate aftermath of DDAY and the crying in each others arms for a week or so... We truly have put it behind us.

 

 

What do I know? Well maybe as a fWS I do actually have some real experience of what it takes to successfully reconcile a marriage.

 

Crying for a week or so? Truly behind you? I think if you post in the Infidelity forum you will not find a single BS who would agree with you that you can get over an affair as much as you claim within 3 months. I do have serious concerns about your ability to become a MC as you do not seem to comprehend how damaging and traumatic affairs can be for all involved.

[So happy together]

Ian, I don't think you should be in the OW OM forum.

 

If I could say what I want to, I am quite sure I would be banned for life.

 

Just go away. You belong in infidelity... let the BS tear you limb from limb.

 

 

They won't. They'll pat him on the back and tell him what a good job he did destroying the MOW's life. Don't you know, OW are the evil one's with the magic vajayjay who lure these poor, pitiable lost men away from their loving wives.

[dichotomy]

I do think OM needed to be informed, but I (hypothetical) would have

 

1) Given AP chance to handle this, with confirmation she did tell her husband- and if she did not I would have informed BH. At that time I would answer most any (not all) questions he could have had, and provide any emails he wished from her and I.

 

2) I would have not insulted BH's wife (i.e. want you to know what type of woman your married to). I would have simply laid out the basic facts, let him know that there was still some contact on her end (but not in a way that frames her as desperate) ....... AND THEN..... I would have apologized up and down - sideways - for disrespecting HIS marriage and my own. I would NOT have made it about his wife's character, but about MINE. I would let him decide the character of his wife on his own.

Edited August 20, 2013 by dichotomy

[Furious]

Well since I am the OM from AP's point of view, I am asking...

1. Do you think I did the right thing? (which will be colored by each posters experiences no doubt, which I take into account)

2. My calling the AP's H seemed unusual (to me, from reading a lot of posts here) and I am asking has anyone done this before and how did it go?

3. Insight into myself from a psychological standpoint (which has been great and really prompted self-analysis)

4. Interested in the reactions from you all, good and bad.

5. Curious as to if the responses are polarized or a general consensus is apparent in a particular way.

 

Is that enough? I could list more, but I think you are a little pi*ssed, perhaps your own experience was far rougher and you think I deserved more severe consequences? Jealous?

 

 

No offence intended.

 

 

While I believe everyone deserves the truth and the right to their own reality that they've been denied. I believe doing the right thing should be done right.

 

I think exposing an affair should be done with sincerity and as gently and respectful as possible. If my husband had done this as you did and was being boastful I would not have reconciled with him.

 

I think you did the right thing but I think you're being callous and that bothers me.

[BetrayedH]

You're a fool if you think you're fully reconciled at 3 months. Regardless of any guilt your W may bear or how successfully you've blameshifted your affair onto her, there are stages of grief for her to suffer. As others have mentioned, the anger stage comes later, after a BS feels safe. Your posts remind me of Bush's "Mission Accomplished" banner. Your wife had a RA. You're madhatters and this "even" feeling won't last long. In fact, it's infinitely more difficult to reconcile from them. You need to keep reading, not claiming success.

 

You are most certainly in a hysterical bonding phase. The use of all caps to deny it doesn't change that fact.

 

Anne is probably the single best person on this board to be advising you about how to move forward. Be respectful, shut up, and listen to her.

[BetrayedH]

They won't. They'll pat him on the back and tell him what a good job he did destroying the MOW's life. Don't you know, OW are the evil one's with the magic vajayjay who lure these poor, pitiable lost men away from their loving wives.

 

Oh, shut up.

[So happy together]

Oh, shut up.

 

Not a chance.

[BetrayedH]

Not a chance.

 

Ok, I laughed at that.

 

But honestly, I don't see anyone here throwing the blame for Ian's affair on his APs magic vajayjay. In fact, I see Ian being scolded by all three sides of the triangle. As for the BH, yep, the BSs probably think he deserved to know. We're glad he wasn't just left being betrayed and used. It doesn't make Ian a saint but we're glad he was told anyway.