ian1966 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I, MWS was in a 3 month affair with a MW, decided enough was enough and called my AP's husband and spilled the beans. One hell of a conversation lasting about 30 minutes. Two reasons... 1. Tried once prior but succumbed to AP's crying on the phone and "fell back in", so I thought this way its definitely going to stop (which it did) 2. Sincerely felt for her H (yeah, I know, a bit late) and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to... and to ensure he kept her away from all contact with me. So was I spiteful and vindictive doing that? Probably, at the time I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, as otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me) No Contact rule has since been unbroken (3 months now), although I do get a lot of hang-up calls at work since that time... Guessing its AP's husband checking that I'm at work and not with his wife. Anyway, since then W and I have reconciled and all is well,,, Anyone ever fessed up in that way?
whereamigoing Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 No but I am not in the "full disclosure, bridges burned, scorched earth category" myself. 1
affairaddict Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 No. 3 months is not really any space in time. Would have let it go. Your reasons were out of spite And seemingly because you don't want her to have another affair and replace you. People will disagree but the only motive I see in telling the BS is to cause hurt and bitterness. I ended my Affair, walked away. I have no intention of putting him in it or her through pain. He needs to make his own decisions and if he tells then I will deal with the consequence. 4
So happy together Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I don't believe in disclosure and I think it was a crappy thing to do. All is well in your marriage, but you could have really ruined her life and that is fine with you? Jesus. 8
Author ian1966 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 "So Happy Together" - I don't believe in disclosure and I think it was a crappy thing to do. All is well in your marriage, but you could have really ruined her life and that is fine with you? Jesus. Really? So I should have had not called him, and had her chasing after me? She has an emotional attachment to me (yes "I love you" from her) and would have just let it go? I don't think so... already tried that and it failed. So you think her husband should be left in the dark, and not know about his wife's behavior? Not my "right" to do that? It really wasn't done out of spite, I could have let a LOT of people she associated with know... but I thought that's up to her hubby. They need MC and are getting it. Affair addict - Your reasons were out of spite And seemingly because you don't want her to have another affair and replace you. I couldn't give a sh*t about being "replaced"... no motive there at all. People will disagree but the only motive I see in telling the BS is to cause hurt and bitterness. Yes they will disagree I'm sure. Cause hurt and bitterness? So what? They're called consequences. How about some credit for "manning up" and actually speaking to the husband and laying it out in the open. Actually expected crap like that from all the BS's that seem to dominate these forums with their visceral comments. 5
bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Well, if you told her BS, I guess all cards should be out on the table. Hope you told your BS, too...before she does. All's fair in love and war. Tit for tat. You shouldn't come out of it unscathed, either. 5
SidLyon Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 .. Actually expected crap like that from all the BS's that seem to dominate these forums with their visceral comments. Correct me if I'm wrong but this "crap" is not coming from BSs, but from OWs and WSs. I'm a BW and I think you did the right thing and your motivation doesn't matter to me. 13
affairaddict Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 So you happily admit that you wanted to cause hurt and bitterness then? 2
thecharade Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 It's been 3 months NC, she's out of your life, and you're fully reconciled with your wife, so I'm curious why this is still on your mind? Why join LS all this time later and start posting about the A if the problem has been solved? 6
LimeBlue Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me So you cannot have her, so you are making darn sure nobody else can either? All I see written in your post is spite and vengeance. There was nothing good about your intentions whatsoever. 8
LimeBlue Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 You also fail to mention what type of man her H is - we all assume he is a great kind man, but what if he is a controlling, abusive, narcissistic bastard who will abuse her even more with his controlling ways thanks to what you did? So do tell more - what kind of life have you left her with now? Have you ever considered how she may perhaps be trapped due to various reasons? If of course she has a fantastic H, then none of this will be an issue, and you should not be concerning yourself with it either then? 3
Ruffian1 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 You did the right thing. Her H has a right to know, no spouse wants to be kept in the dark about their life. Kudos! 9
affairaddict Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Oh she had an emotional attachment to you and said I love you. Boo hoo. What did you expect when you got involved? 3
wanting more Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I missed the part in your 1st post how you loved your BW so much and had so much guilt you confessed. Wait..... You didn't mention your W in your 1st except to say how you're happily R (you must've read the cliff notes to R if 3 months have passed and all is good already) All you did was talk about how you wanted to hurt your OW and you felt bad for her BH Why are you here 3 months later, you said NC has not been broken. You got what you wanted. You hurt your OW and now your happily R. Did you have a question 7
anne1707 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Anyway, since then W and I have reconciled and all is well,,, Reconciled and all is well within 3 months? That's impressive. Generally it is considered the norm for reconciliation to take 2 to 5 years. Does your wife agree with your assessment of the state of your marriage? As it is, your thread and this need to hurt the OW and her family does not make it sound as if all is good with you anyway. If it was that good, you would not be harbouring such strong feelings of anger and vindictiveness to the OW.You would be indifferent to her and would have felt no need to do what you have done. 4
road Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Really? So I should have had not called him, and had her chasing after me? She has an emotional attachment to me (yes "I love you" from her) and would have just let it go? I don't think so... already tried that and it failed. So you think her husband should be left in the dark, and not know about his wife's behavior? Not my "right" to do that? It really wasn't done out of spite, I could have let a LOT of people she associated with know... but I thought that's up to her hubby. They need MC and are getting it. I couldn't give a sh*t about being "replaced"... no motive there at all. Yes they will disagree I'm sure. Cause hurt and bitterness? So what? They're called consequences. How about some credit for "manning up" and actually speaking to the husband and laying it out in the open. Actually expected crap like that from all the BS's that seem to dominate these forums with their visceral comments. Most times the AP tells their AP's BS about the affair so the BS divorces their WS so the WS is then free to be with the AP full time. That is not justification for exposing by the AP. Now you said you exposed the WS because you wanted the BS help to end the affair and have NC for life. That is half good. Half good? Half good because you did not say that you the WH confessed to your BW. You only stated that you told the BH. You did not state if you told your BW. What is good for one is good for the other.
thecharade Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I take no issue with you telling her BH. It's his M and I feel badly for what he's going through. But I would ask all the BWs on here how they'd feel if Ian was their H? Joining an OW/OM forum to discuss his AP? After 3 months in R? Hmmmm. Sounds like he's giving her quite a bit of head space. Where's the mental NC I've heard so much about? Must be because he cares/cared, right? What else could it be at 3 months? And that's the problem right there, Ian. Your motives. Your obsession after 3 months in R. And I'm sorry, but your first post sounded mighty bitter and vindictive, not at all compassionate toward her, her BH, or his BW. I smell a broken heart in that post, Ian. 4
Spotme Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) I missed the part in your 1st post how you loved your BW so much and had so much guilt you confessed. Wait..... You didn't mention your W in your 1st except to say how you're happily R (you must've read the cliff notes to R if 3 months have passed and all is good already) All you did was talk about how you wanted to hurt your OW and you felt bad for her BH Why are you here 3 months later, you said NC has not been broken. You got what you wanted. You hurt your OW and now your happily R. Did you have a question "and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to" Let's not forget judging his MOW for, what was it? Oh yeah, doing the exact same thing he did. OP, have you given any thought at all to the damage you have done? Or is it all her fault? Wanting more is right that you've given us a very unbalanced story basically bragging about how you ended the affair that presumably wasn't working for you anymore by exposing your AP (wanting credit for manning up) but don't indicate whether you really did "man up" by exposing yourself, taking responsibility for your own actions, and doing whatever is necessary to make things right with your wife. Maybe you did all those things, but the sense from your post is that you didn't, that you did something to hurt your AP while covering your own butt and running back to your old life, where things being great after 3 months is very suggestive that either your wife knows nothing or you so completely minimized the affair that it is being rug-swept. That's why you are getting blow back from all sides. You managed to rub people on all sides of this equation the wrong way. Edited August 19, 2013 by Spotme 2
BetrayedH Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I do think it was the right thing to give the BH the truth so he can make his own informed decisions about how to move forward with his life. That was a good decision regardless of your intentions. I also think that a lot of other valid questions have been raised. If you really want to benefit from these forums, you should answer them honestly. 9
Sarabi Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 "and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to" OP, have you given any thought at all to the damage you have done? Or is it all her fault? You are an established member on loveshack. You should know by now that it is always ALL the womans fault seriously! From the time Adam had freedom of choice to eat or not eat the fruit, he ate it then told God "it was her fault"(even though HE had a choice). If you get a cheating wife coming here, read the posts: "divorce your husband he deserves better". If its an OW "you have low self esteem and family of origin issues/you're a little tart he doesn't love you he loves his wife and you are hurting a family/you need therapy"...& read & repeat ad infinitum...ad nauseum. Even posts relating to a betrayed wife "oh you weren't satisfying your husband/cooking good meals/taking care of your body so he had to look elsewhere" etc. I have come to realise with loveshack that the men in our stories are never at fault...its either the OW, the mans wife or even the mans mother who is at fault...its rubbish man Maybe you did all those things, but the sense from your post is that you didn't, that you did something to hurt your AP while covering your own butt and running back to your old life, where things being great after 3 months is very suggestive that either your wife knows nothing or you so completely minimized the affair that it is being rug-swept. Well...do you blame him really? as long as everything he holds dear is well and good in his life then why should he care that this woman is hurting or going through a tough time in her marriage? I suppose everyone is like this in life really...as long as their things are fine why should they care about others? Except...he did care he cared enough to warn the husband about what type of woman he was married to...again I say read what I wrote above and the book of Genesis to see how the man couldn't possibly have been at fault and how it is all HER fault .... 3
serial muse Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I, MWS was in a 3 month affair with a MW, decided enough was enough and called my AP's husband and spilled the beans. One hell of a conversation lasting about 30 minutes. Two reasons... 1. Tried once prior but succumbed to AP's crying on the phone and "fell back in", so I thought this way its definitely going to stop (which it did) 2. Sincerely felt for her H (yeah, I know, a bit late) and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to... and to ensure he kept her away from all contact with me. So was I spiteful and vindictive doing that? Probably, at the time I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, as otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me) No Contact rule has since been unbroken (3 months now), although I do get a lot of hang-up calls at work since that time... Guessing its AP's husband checking that I'm at work and not with his wife. Anyway, since then W and I have reconciled and all is well,,, Anyone ever fessed up in that way? I'm a former BS and I'm glad you told. That said, it doesn't sound like "all is well" at all. You sound like you're still extremely angry at your AP (perhaps still hung up on her), and I notice that your W isn't much of a character in the triad you describe above. I also don't understand why you'd say you wanted to tell your AP's H what kind of woman she is, but don't think the same of yourself. You sound like you're blaming your affair on her. I wonder if that's what you told your wife. If I were she (your wife), I'd be highly suspicious of this, and would wonder how much responsibility you're really taking for your own decisions. Doesn't sound like your heart is really in the reconciliation. So again, if I were your wife, I'd be extremely worried about what next. But still, good on you for telling, regardless of why. I think you'll find that most former BS are going to take that Machiavellian stance, because it's very difficult to have a reconciliation of any kind without the truth being out there. Did you tell your wife at the same time (voluntarily, that is)? 5
janedoe67 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I am a remorseful FWW and I think you did the right thing. I added remorseful in there because the ONLY reason(s) I can think of for NOT telling are: lack of empathy/remorse CYA selfish entitlement No one who is truly sorry for obliterating their own and someone else's marriage (and yes, anyone who participates in any way in an affair IS damaging a marriage, no matter how bad the marriage might have been before that stuck their nose - or whatever part - in) wants to keep a lid on it for anything other than self-protective reasons. true remorse takes responsibility. I hope you are being fully transparent with your wife now and that you have a successful recovery. The best way to NOT endure the downside of cheating is to NOT cheat on or with someone. 3
So happy together Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 "and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to" Let's not forget judging his MOW for, what was it? Oh yeah, doing the exact same thing he did. OP, have you given any thought at all to the damage you have done? Or is it all her fault? Wanting more is right that you've given us a very unbalanced story basically bragging about how you ended the affair that presumably wasn't working for you anymore by exposing your AP (wanting credit for manning up) but don't indicate whether you really did "man up" by exposing yourself, taking responsibility for your own actions, and doing whatever is necessary to make things right with your wife. Maybe you did all those things, but the sense from your post is that you didn't, that you did something to hurt your AP while covering your own butt and running back to your old life, where things being great after 3 months is very suggestive that either your wife knows nothing or you so completely minimized the affair that it is being rug-swept. That's why you are getting blow back from all sides. You managed to rub people on all sides of this equation the wrong way. My guess? if his BS knows at all, he didn't tell her, she found him out and since he's been found out he now wants MOW to suffer as well. 2
wanting more Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 One more thing. Maybe your title should read "I'VE been having sex with YOUR wife". 3
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