Does my ex still love me or do I need to move on? !!

[tlar]

Hi, Everyone,

 

I am going to try to make this as short as I can but include all the important components so I am sorry for the read! I posted on a thread like this going through my last breakup and advice from listeners really helped me heal. I guess I am looking for more listening ears as I am having a very hard time. Ok so here is my story.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. We had our ups and downs but we were both so in love. We talked about being together the rest of our lives, and how weve never felt this way about anyone etc etc. I thought this was the man I was going to marry. My confusion comes from wondering if his actions came from immaturity and pride, or if he really is over me.

 

The last 6 months I have not been as great of a girlfriend and he hasnt been there for me either. I was going through major stress with finances, starting a new job, working two part- time jobs, and major family stress. During this time I felt my boyfriend was not showing me attention, asking me whats wrong, or asking me to talk. This made me kind of resent him through the stress and kind of stay to myself. The last few months we felt more like roommates then lovers. (we have lived together years). I thought we were just in a slump but didnt think for a minute we would break up. I was still convinced we would be able to bounce back and be head over heels again as we have done so many times before.

 

Onward to the breakup. I booked us a night at a hotel resort. We had an amazing day at the pool swimming, drinking, cuddling. Everything was going great. We went up to the room to get ready for our dinner reservation. I was just getting out of the shower and he was getting in. I knew we were late so I still go out and got ready, I later found out this really hurt his feelings. My boyfriend had been drinking all day since golf at 530am so I wasnt thinking anything of it when he laid down on the bed and wasnt getting dressed. Apparently later he told me he wanted to talk to me then but I was too concerned with not being late for dinner. Again I had no idea. So I went down to the lobby to meet our friends for dinner. A few minutes later he came down and grabbed his keys from my purse. I said yah I am glad you made it down dinners soon. And he walked away I thought to use the restroom or something. Then it was time for dinner and he still wasnt around so I texted him and asked where he was. His reply was "goodbye". Apparently he had taken a cab home and was now breaking up with me after 4 years over a text message. He sent a few more about how we have grown apart and hes not happy anymore and that was it.

 

Besides being irrate about being dumped over a text, I was devastated. I knew neither of us were happy and he told me to find a place and move out. I didn't want to beg him to take me back so I handled it by avoiding the house daily from 7am until 10pm for 3 weeks until I could find a place. During this time we slept in seperate bedrooms and did not speak.

 

Then the day came and I moved out. When he came home to my stuff being gone he flipped out a little. Sending me really hurtful messages and telling me since I left it is 100% over. (which I already thought it was). He gave me mixed signs because he broke up with me and I thought this is what he wanted.

 

The breakup was July 6th, I moved out July 22nd. After he cooled down he started being nice and telling me he really wants this to end civily and how hard this is and how much he misses me and all he wants to do it cuddle me but he knows he cant. I left him my tv and laptop figuring he could keep them for a few weeks until he could get his own. We talked a few times on the phone. I would cry, and he would tell me I need to move on. He would also say he loves me and has never broken up with someone he still loves and how hard this is for him. Then he would tell me it will never be the same again. Basically back and forth stuff and really screwed with my mind.

 

Then I decided no contact. I couldnt take the mixed signals. During the next 3 weeks I blocked him on facebook, and did not respond to a single text. He sent me a total of three all of which I ignored. I had to. I was in too much pain. I knew this last weekend he was going out of town so I went over to his place to pick up my mail. I wasnt planning on getting the tv etc at that time, but when I arrived he had changed all the locks on the house!!! I lost it!! After I was being kind and lending him my stuff!! I was so mad I called him and texted him many times in so much anger. He told me I would have to wait until he gets back to get my stuff and that he couldnt trust me after I blocked him on facebook and didnt respond to his texts. I was livid. So much for a civil parting. The next 24 hours were a series of exchanged messages from anger, to sadness, to hope. He would say "there is so much we could of done but we didnt, and Im tired of being a failure" and more. After he got back, I had him leave my stuff outside because I didnt want to see him. I picked it up. That night we argued a little more. I was so upset that I never got that face to face break up, he was mad because he kept asking me to talk and I wouldnt.

 

I felt like if he was really sorry he should have came to me. Or made me feel important. He says he always wanted to talk and really regrets how he ended things but I didnt feel that because telling me I could simply come over to him and talk didnt seem like he was that willing to me. I knew it would just hurt so I stopped. We ended that night with him saying he is sick of my **** and he knows in his heart he tried to talk to me and I refused. My emotions were so out of control between anger and sadness that I knew I couldnt control them so I thought it was best to wait.

 

Now that I have my stuff back we dont have a reason to talk. 4 days went by with no communication and then he sent me a simple text that said "good luck today" because he knew my team was playing. I replied, and then of course he never wrote me back which upset me more. We havent spoken since.

 

I am so sorry for the length of this post I just felt I needed to get in all the mixed signs so I could explain my confusion. I am devastated. This man was my best friend and now I have lost him because I was too consumed in my own stress and depression to realize we were losing eachother. He told me after the breakup I was too concerned about "how" he did it rather then "why" he did it and thats how he knew he was making the right decision. He said he waited three weeks for me to come up to him and say "baby I dont want this can we please talk about it." I didnt because he dumped me! Why would I beg him? Why would he want me to beg him after I was so humiliated and crushed. I am so close with his entire family too. I am losing so much in this breakup. It has now been 6 weeks with me moved out for 3 and that last text he sent me was three days ago.

 

I dont know where to go from here. I have messed up with sending the angry and sad plethora of messages but only after I realized I was locked out of the house. Before that I was doing good with the no contact so that is what I am trying to go back to. He says he still loves me and always will. What do you guys think from reading this long saga? What do his actions tell me? Is he really done? Do I need to just move on? Im so in love and I miss him so much if I stand a chance in making things right what do I need to do?

 

One last thing, he told me I made it final when I signed the lease. If I moved out I knew it was over. Why?? If we were both unhappy why cant we take time to improve ourselfs and remember why we fell in love. Why cant we date. Why does me leaving deifinitly make it over? I was doing what he wanted I thought he pulled the trigger not me. I never gave up.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he is flipping the story, out of guilt, in order to pin the final ending on you versus the breakup being on him. The breakup was 100% when he ended it, not because you moved out.

 

He is playing games and you are letting him work your emotions over. You need to get all of your items (get a police escort if necessary) and cut all contact. If he wants you back he needs to make that 100% clear and not play any of these push and pull games. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your own healing.

[JDPT]

Your break up is very similar to mine. In hindsight my girlfriend and I were drifting apart the last few months of the relationship I just didn't realize it. We got into an argument one morning and I made the mistake of stop talking her for 3 weeks. When I attempted to return and claim what I thought was still mine she sent me an email wishing me "the best in this world" and goodbye. So I felt like you by being dumped through text. With regards to your situation, I quiet honestly think he was done long ago and that incident that occurred at the hotel was more than enough for him to call it quits. He is clearly going through the motions of a break up and is painful for him as it is for you which is of course pretty common. I can only suggest to you to start moving forward with your life and embark in your recovery journey. It appears to me that he has too many issues simultaneously going and that does not allow him to be there for you fully. When my ex took such abrupt and premature decision I also used to think like you, why can't we just work things out? reality is it takes two to either make a relationship wonderful or destroy it. Focus on yourself and start healing, all that matters from this point forward is you.

[Kizza]

I was recently with a guy who had this unbelievable ability to do really ****ty things to me and flip it all somehow so that I was the bad guy.

 

It's like he knew he was being an ******* but turning it on me made him feel better and removed his guilt. It seems this guy is doing the same. He ended things with you and now he feels guilty.

 

I have been in a position where I ended something with someone amazing and I felt so guilty! We just didn't work out even though he is a great guy. Instead of trying to make it his fault I recognized it as a broken relationship that i no longer had the energy to work at any more. Seems he gave up too. It is hard I know. Mine was for 7 yrs and then I fell in to an awful casual relationship with a player. He is the one I mentioned before.

 

So just think, he knows he ended something awesome! he feels dead guilty about it and this is how he is coping. There is someone out there, you are someone's reason to wake up everyday and push on.

 

I am raw out of a relationship as well and I have to remind myself every day. It is hard, sorry that this guy has done this to you after 4 years. It is really ****ty.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Kizza

[tlar]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It definitly helps hearing what others take this as. Do you think he is just guilty for hurting me but doesnt want to get back together? I am just so hurt and so confused. I dont even know if I want to get back with him. What I do know is I have never been so in love, and I thought we were going to spend our lives together and so did he. He always told me we were going to get married. What I also know is that for the last 6 months both of us have been really unhappy and stopped trying. I dont want to always regret not trying to work it out with the man I have loved more then anyone in my love. What if he truly is the love of my life.

[Philosoraptor]

He seems to have flipped in his mind that you're to blame for all of this, so I doubt he has much guilt left. Doesn't look like he wants a relationship with you either.

 

"the man I have loved more then anyone in my life".... so far. There will be much better men who are less selfish, more open, and treat you much better. Be patient and don't settle for someone who would treat you as poorly as your ex was doing. Don't let his actions make you feel like you didn't do enough. He shut down on you rather than opening up, and he ended the relationship in a cowardly way.

 

For now just take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal. Be patient, and when you find that right person you will know.

[tlar]

So this where I am at....In the past few weeks he has tried to make small take over texts but not in person or on the phone. I respond sometimes and not others. Then he sent me the Buckcherry "I'm Sorry" song which I totally over analyzed. I dont know if it means hes just sorry or sorry and wants me back. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I then wrote him an email apoligizing for neglecting him. It was filled with lots of "I" statements. I told him he needed to stop blaming me because I was unhappy too. It said how I wish we would have talked before it got to what it did. Then I told him we both need to forgive ourselves and let go of the resentment and anger. Then I wished him well. I didn't mention getting back together I just kind of left it as a closure letter. He texted me today and said I got your email. I asked if it meant anything to him? He said yes, he just didnt know what to say back because that same night he was up thinking about me.... thats where its at.

[Simon Phoenix]

You need to stop talking to this guy immediately. Both you and him need to step back and relax. Stop texting him, stop emailing him, stop responding. If he keeps persisting you need to tell him that you need space to gather yourself.