Sunbathe Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 A little background info... My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years now. I am 20, and he is 19. The last year or so has been pretty unstable with a lot of arguing/stress, and has only recently settled but the damage has already been done. He claims he no longer has "in-love" feelings for me but that he does still love me. Due to our living situation this upcoming year as well as agreement that we should exhaust all efforts before we part ways, we are seeing how the next 7 months or so goes. What is confusing to me, however, is that he suspects we are just not compatible. First of all, my problem with this is that it is extremely difficult to feel comfortable around him and give this year my all when I believe he is already leaning toward breaking up. How can I proceed as naturally as possible with his discouraging mindset? But most of all, I am confused as to why he feels that we are incompatible in the first place. He recently said that we just do not see life the same way, and that really broke my heart as I do not feel that we have many uncompromisable differences. All of the things that are important in consideration for a long-lasting relationship, we see pretty eye to eye on. We both value marriage, family, and career. We both want children later on, as we both want to take time to travel and establish a stable job before children. We both highly value honesty, and fidelity. We both identify with the same political and religious ideals. We both place very little importance on money. And to top it all off, we have many interests in common. That's not to say that we don't have some discrepancies. He is an extremely extroverted soul, and I can be timid, especially around people I do not know well. He is more independent than me and does not desire as much time together as I do with him. However, I do not prevent him from doing anything that he wants to do independently. I am also far more sensitive and emotionally driven than he is. I guess what I am asking is how can I make him realize our similarities far outweigh our differences, and that we are pretty compatible with each other?
Author Sunbathe Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Sunbathe, while his statements about not having the same outlook on life may or may not be true, I think it's just an excuse to break up. Being very honest, the boy is 19 years old and is ready to break free. You've been dating for 3 years which means since he was a 16 year old boy, he's been in a committed relationship. You state that he's claiming not to be in love with you anymore and the sad fact is that it's probably true. People change as they grow, and you're both still growing and maturing. You can't change his mind or change his feelings. He feels ready to move on and explore his life. All your arguments about how 'alike' you are AREN'T going to change his feelings. You'll learn as you get older that you can't control anyone but yourself. You can't control their feelings and you can't control their actions. Secondly, when someone tells you something you don't want to hear, believe them. Your boyfriend is telling you he's not emotionally committed to you anymore and is claiming it's because you no longer share the same 'views' (whatever they may be). I think that's a bit of an excuse because it really sounds as though he just wants to move on and live his life the way a 19 year old boy should. Stop trying to convince him that he should think and feel differently. Stop trying to sway his opinion - it's how he feels. Have some dignity and back away graciously, Sunbathe. Thank you for your honest advice. It definitely hurts to hear but I know I need to wrap my head around the possibility of breaking up. I have this gut feeling that he has already made up his mind and wants to experience new things, however whenever I suggest to him that he is leaning toward this decision, he gets frustrated at me for "not trusting him" and insists that although he has an opinion of us not being compatible, he doesn't know for sure yet. He is a very honest man and is not one to sugar coat things to spare feelings, so could it be possible that he is telling the truth and there is a chance to work things out? Or is all of this coming from him feeling guilty for hurting me? Why would he insist on seeing how the next year goes and exhausting all efforts if he already knows the outcome? Is this just to alleviate his guilt and to pull a slow fade over this year? Which brings up another point. How can I back away graciously when we are committed to living together for the next 8 months?
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