bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Other than BS finding out, of course. My fear has always been that something bad would happen to him, an emergency, etc. and I would have no way to know or find out unless one of his kids or BS posts about it on facebook. They are fairly private so the chances of that happening (unless it was death) is probably not very good. So my fear came to fruition this past weekend. An emergency situation. He's currently in the hospital. THANKFULLY, he was coherent enough that he was able to text me and let me know what is going on and I've heard from him every day since the emergency medical situation occurred, giving me small updates, but I still have that fear. Like he may have to go through surgery and what if he doesn't make it through? Then, of course, the fact that I cannot be there, obviously and the only thing that I would love to do other than take away all of his pain is see him with my own eyes to make sure that he's relatively okay. I'm not looking for a debate on this and probably shouldn't post it due to that. I've been reeling and worrying for a few days due to this and it's probably the most private thing that I've posted about him that could be a giveaway as to who I am if he stumbled upon this board. I've typed this and deleted probably four times.
Author bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Yep, I used to have the same fear. And if something happened to me, would I be able to get hold of him. He and I talked about this and actually discussed how we would handle it (if coherent obviously). I've told him about this fear in the past and he said he was sure I would find out some how. He never said how. I guess he figured if he was coherent, he'd let me know. If he died, someone would post about it on facebook. Like I told him, what a way for me to find out that the man that I love died! Wow! LOL Not that he could tell me, obviously, but he has only told a couple people about me and they don't actually know me. As far as if something happened to me, my oldest son or my exH would tell him. I haven't told MM this, but they would. Oldest son has his # and they've texted and talked in the past about things unrelated to our relationship so I'm sure one of them would tell him. But my biggest fear through the whole thing was that he would always be unhappy. That he would stay in a marriage that he was miserable in, that he would never make himself legitimately happy. That always worried me because I cared about him and wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. I feel like everyone deserves that in life, no matter their faults or quirks or shortcomings. I agree completely and have told him as such. I'm glad I finally found my way out of mine. (Not that I'm currently completely happy, but I'm working on it! LOL)
Goodbye Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 First off, I'm sorry your MM is in the hospital and for how you found out. That was definitely one of my fears, in fact, months ago I posted a thread on the topic. Ours was a long distance relationship...he could have died and I'd only find out via internet search. My biggest fear came into fruition. Falling in love with him and needing to make the decision to end it and walk away empty handed(hearted). 3
Author bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I should say that he was feeling bad the day before he ended up in the hospital and was telling me so while we were talking on the phone. I knew it had to be bad because he doesn't complain generally. He told me via text that he was going in the hospital, though. I'm just glad he was able to tell me and has been able to stay in communication thus far.
TaintedLuv Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Yup, the emergency thing is probably the hardest thing to deal with. Recently I wasn't able to get in touch with him and freaked out. It turned out that his phone died but for hours I was having a meltdown and I can't go around contacting his friends without feeling like they will think I'm crazy. He can always contact one of sisters if he thought something happened though. My biggest fear already came true: he gave her a baby, shattered my heart beyond recognition and now regrets it but for me there's no turning back. It's one thing if he had a child when we met but to do this to me then consider leaving after the fact, I can't forgive. He broke NC today. I start over again tomorrow.
LilGirlandOW Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I have all those fears, as well as a fear of one day him vanishing, erasing me from his life, without telling me. For instance right now I havnt heard from him in 24hrs, the longest NC we've had in our 11mnths, I'm a little freaked out.... Stupid fears.
GreySkyMorning Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Other than BS finding out, of course. My fear has always been that something bad would happen to him, an emergency, etc. and I would have no way to know or find out unless one of his kids or BS posts about it on facebook. They are fairly private so the chances of that happening (unless it was death) is probably not very good. So my fear came to fruition this past weekend. An emergency situation. He's currently in the hospital. THANKFULLY, he was coherent enough that he was able to text me and let me know what is going on and I've heard from him every day since the emergency medical situation occurred, giving me small updates, but I still have that fear. Like he may have to go through surgery and what if he doesn't make it through? Then, of course, the fact that I cannot be there, obviously and the only thing that I would love to do other than take away all of his pain is see him with my own eyes to make sure that he's relatively okay. I'm not looking for a debate on this and probably shouldn't post it due to that. I've been reeling and worrying for a few days due to this and it's probably the most private thing that I've posted about him that could be a giveaway as to who I am if he stumbled upon this board. I've typed this and deleted probably four times. That was always my biggest fear too. My brother has/had his cell number and knew to call him of something happened to me. But I would never have known if something happened to him. He is a truck driver and there were several times he'd go quiet in the middle of a conversation. I'd worry myself crazy until he came back. Not my problem or concern anymore. When he knew i was going into the hospital last week for a procedure on my heart and i didnt even get so much as an "are you ok", he showed me clearly how little concern he has for my health or wellbeing anymore. So, i see no point in worrying about him.
Author bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I'm so sorry, GreySky. I can only imagine how bad that would hurt. I forgot that I have actually been in a bad car accident since we have been together. He was the first person that I texted after I called 911 and work (I was on my way to work) and was very supportive during my er visit, etc., etc. However, I was coherent, too so again, that worked fine b/c I was able to contact him.
Feb Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 My fears were more selfish. I did fear him getting sick and being in the hospital, just like any other loved one -- but I would have known about it because we worked together. I have two fears tied for first place. One was getting pregnant (he's 50 and no vasectomy; I'm not 'fixed' either). We did practice safe sex, but nothing is 100% fool proof. I also feared what would happen if he had a heart attack or something during one of our all day hotel sex get aways. How would I call for an ambulance and explain all this? I also fear STDs.
Speakingofwhich Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Sorry you're going through this, Bentley! Do you think you will be able to get in to see him sometime this week? At least he was able to text you! I can't think of any fear I have right now. I have kind of disconnected with all of my concerns about him recently just trusting that God will work things out His way. I know that I may have a relapse and get anxious about things. But, ever since we went LC a week or two ago my emotions have been affected. LC lasted three days but I really had an amazing peace during that time. We are LD and going to see each other next week. We are EA only and is always a temptation to cross that boundary but I'm planning not to.
Author bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Speakingofwhich, it really depends on what's wrong. Originally they thought it was something else and I wouldn't be able to see him until next week after a surgery, at the earliest. Now I am not sure what the current course of action is since it sounds like something possibly less invasive that may not require surgery (hoping!). I am hoping he'll get some time alone and be able to call or text me tomorrow to give me more details. Texts while she's in the room are sporadic and short at best. He was able to text a lot earlier with a lot of details so I was grateful for that. 1
canuckprincess Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 My entire family have met my mm and my mom has his number so if anything happens to me he'd be notified plus he is my emergency contact also for my son. Now if something happened to him I'd never know cause I'm sure his bs wouldn't call me.
MissBee Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Other than BS finding out, of course. My fear has always been that something bad would happen to him, an emergency, etc. and I would have no way to know or find out unless one of his kids or BS posts about it on facebook. They are fairly private so the chances of that happening (unless it was death) is probably not very good. So my fear came to fruition this past weekend. An emergency situation. He's currently in the hospital. THANKFULLY, he was coherent enough that he was able to text me and let me know what is going on and I've heard from him every day since the emergency medical situation occurred, giving me small updates, but I still have that fear. Like he may have to go through surgery and what if he doesn't make it through? Then, of course, the fact that I cannot be there, obviously and the only thing that I would love to do other than take away all of his pain is see him with my own eyes to make sure that he's relatively okay. I'm not looking for a debate on this and probably shouldn't post it due to that. I've been reeling and worrying for a few days due to this and it's probably the most private thing that I've posted about him that could be a giveaway as to who I am if he stumbled upon this board. I've typed this and deleted probably four times. Yep that was my fear, that something would happen to him and I'd be the last to know or God forbid, he died, and I wouldn't be able to attend his funeral or it would be just extremely awkward and even more devastating than death already is.
velvette Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I was the OW to my current H. When he filed for D, I was afraid that one day if things weren't going well with us he would blame me for giving up his family. That never happened and as it turned out I should have been more afraid he would also cheat on me as now I am also his BS. 1
fanine Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 First off, I'm sorry your MM is in the hospital and for how you found out. That was definitely one of my fears, in fact, months ago I posted a thread on the topic. Ours was a long distance relationship...he could have died and I'd only find out via internet search. My biggest fear came into fruition. Falling in love with him and needing to make the decision to end it and walk away empty handed(hearted). That was mine too. Also the fear all that love had been for nothing. All that love for a man who wasn't the man I thought he was. All the lies and deceit I discovered. My fear became real that I had been totally hoodwinked and felt completely utterly used....
whereamigoing Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 xMM and I had/have a system in place for emergencies. We each have a close friend who would contact us in the event of something serious. I used to worry about that until we got that arrangement in place.
WakingUp Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 My biggest fear is that he will disrupt his whole life, and leave to be with me, and then regret it. That he will decide it was all a mistake.
ian1966 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Being shot by my AP's H. Thankfully his gun turned out to be an air rifle. And no, it didn't come to that (yet) How far are they dangerous from? sorry, couldn't help it. Humor is rare here for obvious reasons. Seriously, yes AP and I discussed this but it wasn't really ever answered. Oh wait, W has AP's phone number so she probably would have called her just to upset her if anything happened to me.
SidLyon Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Is there one thing as the OW/OM that you fear happening? Other than BS finding out, of course. ... Why is the BS finding out one of the worst things, or even the worst thing, that could happen to an OW/OM?
fanine Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Why is the BS finding out one of the worst things, or even the worst thing, that could happen to an OW/OM? Sometimes it isn't at all. My xMM's wife knew all about us. Didn't change his behaviour one bit. For me, it just made me feel even more guilty though....
missy268 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I have all those fears, as well as a fear of one day him vanishing, erasing me from his life, without telling me. For instance right now I havnt heard from him in 24hrs, the longest NC we've had in our 11mnths, I'm a little freaked out.... Stupid fears. This happened to me, it was one of my biggest fears, and he did it, i had to find the explanation out for myself (which has he had replaced me)....I was devastated, but you cope x
ladydesigner Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 That was mine too. Also the fear all that love had been for nothing. All that love for a man who wasn't the man I thought he was. All the lies and deceit I discovered. My fear became real that I had been totally hoodwinked and felt completely utterly used.... It does feel this way for some time until you let go of the person and start to see them for who they really are/ capable of. When I had my A, it was the last thing I thought I was capable of, but I was weak and hurt from my WH's first A. I coped by having my own A because I felt rejected by my WH. What I find interesting is that everything you wrote fanine I feel since my last DDay with WH, that he isn't the man I thought he was. My WH was capable of more cruelty than I ever imagined and the MOW made sure I received it too. I believe we all must feel the same at DDay and obviously the more time spent causes that much more devastation. I'm sorry for all in the triangle who is suffering.
Author bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) He's still making good contact, especially since he's finally gotten some meds to touch the pain. He will be undergoing surgery and hopefully be home tomorrow. I know a lot of people here won't like my saying this, but this week has made me realize even more how glad I am that he's in my life and how much I love this man. Just wish the situation was different so I could be by his side right now. Edited August 20, 2013 by bentleychic
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Well I fear the cancer I had will kill me and he won't know. That makes me sad but we aren't friends we aren't together so he pretty has no right to know Anything about me
fanine Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 It does feel this way for some time until you let go of the person and start to see them for who they really are/ capable of. When I had my A, it was the last thing I thought I was capable of, but I was weak and hurt from my WH's first A. I coped by having my own A because I felt rejected by my WH. What I find interesting is that everything you wrote fanine I feel since my last DDay with WH, that he isn't the man I thought he was. My WH was capable of more cruelty than I ever imagined and the MOW made sure I received it too. I believe we all must feel the same at DDay and obviously the more time spent causes that much more devastation. I'm sorry for all in the triangle who is suffering. I think in the end one has to try and not look into it all too much, and think about it too much as otherwise it can make you crazy. I will never really understand what goes on in his head. If I try to I will become a mad woman I think all I know is in future I will never judge anyone who gets involved in something so complicated. I never dreamed in a million years I would get involved with a MM (though he did lie in the first place saying he was single. I do take responsibility for the fact though when he went back to his wife I could not maintain NC, when he kept contacting me). But I did and lesson learned...
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