Indecisive girlfriend

[CaptAwesome]

Hello everyone! I'm new but I've been doing a lot of reading here but of course no 2 scenarios are the same so here it goes.

 

I'm 34 she's 29. We've dated for almost 2 years now. Both have 2 kids and are divorced. We don't live together and would see each other mostly on the weekends. She was in a previously abusive relationship with a guy that cheated on her, and ended up being a drug user. She has zero contact with him. She lives with her parents and was going to college part time and working part time. It upsets her that she can't fully provide for her kids yet. She made a HUGE decision (for her) to go to college full time with no job, but has grants and parental support. She is very indecisive and kind of wishy washy at times.

So her last day at work was this past Thursday. A childhood friend of hers died a week before that. She is starting college at the end of the month.

 

I'm stable in my job but am retiring in 4 years (military). I have self esteem and trust issues which would always make me joke with her about myself or about her finding someone else. Always jokingly but I know it could get annoying and old.

 

We met online, I pursued her. We hit it off immediately and she told me that she loved me after a couple of months. I knew that I was falling for her too.

Throughout the entire relationship we've put each other up on pedestals. We've adored each other. She is a very thoughtful woman, me not so much but I try my hardest. We have NEVER argued about anything. We can always agree on whatever it is.

I KNOW that she would never lie or cheat on me but it didn't help keep those demons at bay.

 

This past Saturday I had gotten home from a week long trip and we had made some fluid plans to go out for dinner and have a date night. She texted me and asked if it was okay to go out with her lady friends from church instead. I was perfectly fine with it. I have always felt that a couple needs time to themselves and to spend with friends.

Well, I messaged her later that evening and didn't hear from her so my trust issues and jealousy kicked in and I got upset.

The next day I was stewing inside and letting my demons eat at me. I messaged her later on in the day and told her about my trust issues and it would have been nice to know that she was alive. (She likes for me to do the same) I didn't yell, accuse (directly) or anything like that but now I can see how it would come across to her.

She apologized and said she understood and it was all okay.

 

2 days later she calls me and says that when all of that happened she got freaked out and really overwhelmed. She said she needs some space. Of course I cried and apologized because this was my worst fear, I was losing her! I'm a mess for the past couple of days and then get my act together, I'm a man damnit. Act like one.

I've maintained limited contact with her since the phone call (5 days).

Someone suggested to apologize so I did. I sent her a lengthy email on Friday talking about our relationship, apologizing for my actions profusely and telling her I am going to talk to a counselor and resolve my issues. She replied the next day with this

 

"I appreciate your emails. Go on your deployment. I don't want you to make any decisions about your job because of me and the stress that I am under. I realized that I am just not ready for a serious relationship. I need time to focus on myself and getting where I need to be as far as feeling fulfilled as a woman. Go on your trip and when you get back we can see where we are at. I just need some time to do this school thing on my own. I think that all the stress that I am under has really freaked me out. I am still just trying to work all of this out. I just need more time. I am sorry."

 

My reply,

"I appreciate your openness and honesty. I know now that you are under a tremendous amount of stress and I didn't help at all. I know that what I was feeling, what I said and my insecurities and issues triggered something in you that might have made you feel like you were going to end up in another relationship like you had with your ex. I want you to know that I would never, ever purposely hurt you and you have always made me try to be a better man because you, your kids and my kids deserve that. We had a great thing going and I am extremely disappointed in myself that I screwed it up. I will be working on myself while I'm away.

I'm not mad at you and I steeled myself for this moment. I have been praying a lot these past few days and that has helped me to calm myself and steady my mind.I do hope that we can work through this and be a better and stronger couple in the end.

I love you, I trust your decision, I believe in you and support you through everything 100%.

 

Love, XXX"

 

To which she replied today,

 

"You shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone. I think you are great just the way that you are. I have really be thinking about everything and I have decided that I just want to take some time for me. I am sorry to hurt you. You are really great and we have had really great times. I just need to concentrate on school and the kids right now. Please understand. Go on your trip and when you get back, we can talk."

 

My reply,

 

"Okay sweetheart,

I agree and I think that you are right on this one. I need to focus on some things in my life and you have plenty of things to focus on in yours. I'm going to be working on making myself into a better man.

I love you and I miss you"

 

I'm so confused by this, I'm not sure if she has broken up with me or put our relationship on hold indefinitely until she can make up her mind. My gut instinct is that she is trying to soften the blow with words of kindness and break up without having to actually say it. I also feel like she is trying hard to get past me by not saying anything like "I love you too", no pet names, nothing.

 

Make no doubt about it, I do want her back in my life and am willing to go the distance. If it doesn't work out then I'll deal with it like a man, BUT I want this one.

 

Sorry for the book but I wanted to put out some detailed information for everyone to work off of.

Edited August 18, 2013 by CaptAwesome

[todreaminblue]

HEY,

 

 

i am sorry your relationship has come to an end for now, and i believe it has, now....with that......she does need time there is always a possibility that you will end up back together....she has left it open to that possibility from what you have written.....i dont know the woman though and if she has trouble saying what she really means ....but you do know her...is she a woman who finds it hard to tell people how she feels...does it take her a while?....in my opinion she seems to be pretty up front.......telling you that she needs time for her and her kids could be her being up front....is she normally up front with her feelings with you or not?

 

 

all you can do is do what you planned go on your trip...come back.....and then talk........if it is meant to be it will happen again for you both...i wish you much luck and hope that the woman you desire to be with......does want to be with you too......deb

[JDPT]

I think we can agree that you may have spooked her with your actions, however, don't dwell on that but rather focus on improving yourself and being a better person. I'm thinking about her reply and it can honestly go either way, but my gut feeling tells me that she is willing to work something out upon your arrival. I also used to have securities with my ex but truth is she never did anything to lead me to believe that she had other activities going besides me. She thought me to fully trust her and never question her at all as I never had any reason to. Your girlfriend appears to be the same, I don't think she gives you any reasons to doubt her so there is no reason for you to generate fictitious scenarios in your head. Again, work on yourself and when you return don't give her a list of the things you did but rather show her and she will see on her own, as they say actions speak louder than words. I think you guys will be ok.

[CaptAwesome]

Thanks for the quick replies.

 

Todreaminblue:

 

She kind of seems to have problems saying what she really means. She is just indecisive and she sometimes has a difficult problem expressing things. She can write out her feelings quite well but she also tries to keep things to herself. She doesn't like confrontation. She was always afraid to bring up some of her issues about work with her bosses (which happen to be her mom and aunt). She would always tell me what they were but I couldn't ever get her to tell THEM.

 

My trip is going to be 3 1/2 months. Just enough time for her to get through her first full time semester.

 

I know that I spooked her and possibly triggered some latent issue from her past relationship. I don't think it is GIGS as we were perfectly fine before this, very loving, caring but our relationship was getting pretty routine. She has never given me any reason not to trust her and I haven't given her one either.

I used to have GIGS (may be a source of my trust issues) when I was married but when I found her I KNEW that I couldn't possibly need to look any further.

 

I think that with everything going on in her life she just ended up attacking the closest and easiest alligator to the boat and that ended up being me. But that hurts a lot, if I mean that much to someone why would they act out in such a way? Why would someone do something that harsh with a relationship that was so meaningful?

[CaptAwesome]

Assuming she is just being nice and not confrontational about our breakup what should I do? No contact for the entire time? Pop in every once in awhile with a friendly email asking how school and her family are going?

Did I handle my reply to her well? What I don't want her to think is that I am just cold hearted and have forgotten all about her.

[drallafi]

Assuming she is just being nice and not confrontational about our breakup what should I do? No contact for the entire time? Pop in every once in awhile with a friendly email asking how school and her family are going?

Did I handle my reply to her well? What I don't want her to think is that I am just cold hearted and have forgotten all about her.

 

 

She's done man. "I need time for myself" is classic verbiage of a chick who is no longer interested. Don't take it personally, it probably isn't personal. You said yourself that she's the fickle sort so chalk it up to incompatibility and start to move on. Just my $0.02.

[CaptAwesome]

Just received this email after asking if we were taking a break or breaking up.

 

"We are taking a break for now. I am not saying it is forever but at least until you get back in January. I wouldn't change anything about you, CaptAwesome. You need to stop thinking that there is something that you could change that would help the situation. I basically got a form of cold feet and just need some time by myself. I love you and care about you and I am sorry about how this all played out.

Go out with your friends, enjoy yourself, don't stop living life because of all of this. God will work it all out the way that it is supposed to be."

 

It's reassuring to say the least. I'm still going to limit my contact and give her her space and time to herself. Any tips from the ladies?

Edited August 19, 2013 by CaptAwesome

[drallafi]

Just received this email after asking if we were taking a break or breaking up.

 

"We are taking a break for now. I am not saying it is forever but at least until you get back in January. I wouldn't change anything about you, CaptAwesome. You need to stop thinking that there is something that you could change that would help the situation. I basically got a form of cold feet and just need some time by myself. I love you and care about you and I am sorry about how this all played out.

Go out with your friends, enjoy yourself, don't stop living life because of all of this. God will work it all out the way that it is supposed to be."

 

It's reassuring to say the least. I'm still going to limit my contact and give her her space and time to herself. Any tips from the ladies?

 

 

False hope. She's trying to let you down easy, hoping that by January, you've found someone else and moved on. My advice, don't get your hopes up my man. She's checked out. There's no going back.

[CaptAwesome]

I appreciate your candor drallafi.

I'm going to take it a day at a time and control myself like a man should. I do feel a sense of relief but I'm not going to go on like everything is the same. I'm going on a wartime deployment so there won't be much time to meet any new women but plenty of time for self improvement.

 

What people don't understand is that those good and great memories (and that's all we've had) will play on a person's mind and make them think about what they have pushed away. It also helps to have her, her family and kids love me so I've got some powerful things on my side for sure. Neither one of us were ever unhappy and this has all transpired over the course of a week. I also showed her that I wasn't anything like her abusive and controlling ex by acting in a controlled manner, I didn't frantically text and call her demanding her to come back or change her mind. (Keep in mind this is her first LTR after a VERY traumatizing relationship with her ex) I kept my thoughts composed and acted rationally. I let her have her space, I sent a well composed email detailing where I went wrong, apologized, told her I would respect her wishes and left it at that. I left the door open for her to come in and explain herself.

 

Like I said, every situation is unique. You can't just paint everything in broad strokes.

[drallafi]

I appreciate your candor drallafi.

I'm going to take it a day at a time and control myself like a man should. I do feel a sense of relief but I'm not going to go on like everything is the same. I'm going on a wartime deployment so there won't be much time to meet any new women but plenty of time for self improvement.

 

What people don't understand is that those good and great memories (and that's all we've had) will play on a person's mind and make them think about what they have pushed away. It also helps to have her, her family and kids love me so I've got some powerful things on my side for sure. Neither one of us were ever unhappy and this has all transpired over the course of a week. I also showed her that I wasn't anything like her abusive and controlling ex by acting in a controlled manner, I didn't frantically text and call her demanding her to come back or change her mind. (Keep in mind this is her first LTR after a VERY traumatizing relationship with her ex) I kept my thoughts composed and acted rationally. I let her have her space, I sent a well composed email detailing where I went wrong, apologized, told her I would respect her wishes and left it at that. I left the door open for her to come in and explain herself.

 

Like I said, every situation is unique. You can't just paint everything in broad strokes.

 

Nah man I totally understand those memories and I agree every situation is unique. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. She has indicated to you that her happiness is more important than yours, plain and simple. What will satisfy her happiness right now can not come from you. It can't come from something you can say or do or anything having to do with you. Anything you do right now towards her will be wasted effort, because (it sounds like) she's not in a place to receive it right now. Whether or not that changes in the future is a matter of fate.

 

You have an opportunity over the next 6 months to either

1. Try to get over her and make yourself happy. Maybe get in better shape or save some money or find someone else and be 6 months into recovery from this...

or

2. Give her a call 6 months from now only to find out that she wasn't really trying to be with you at all, and have to start over from the beginning, with a newly broken heart.

 

I guess my point is, she's being selfish about this, and you should be too. You're seeing this from the perspective of "how can I make her happy" and you should be more interested in your own happiness. I know it's hard my man but it's YOUR life and YOUR happiness you should be concerned with. There's no right or wrong answer, but you need to focus on you and not her. Good luck my man.

[JDPT]

Don't feel so confidant and I mean that in a good way. I also had amazing moments with my ex, never fought, always agreed on this amicable I was living a dream essentially until the day that there was one slip up (not cheating) on my end and she decided to end things. I was so sure and confidant that she would never leave me and neither would I but here I am dumped for roughly 3.5 months. I think she is letting you go very carefully and is trying to make this transition easier for you as she sounds like she really cares about you and those not want you to be in pain. She continues to say that she will not change a thing about you yet needs a break? She is telling you that you are perfection yet needs a break? something doesn't make sense at all. Work on yourself for you and only you and be prepared for what may come.

[CaptAwesome]

Oh I totally agree with you on making myself happy. I also realize her rash actions were selfish along with her wanting a break for the next 4 months. That's why it hurts. Will I be able to move past that if the opportunity arises to be with her in the future? Only time will tell. I left the ball in her court and told her to get a hold of me whenever I get back (I'm not leaving for another month).

 

I'm not going to sit in a blissful state because I got some breadcrumbs in an email. I'm taking this time to crush the gym, work on my house and spend time with my kids. No dates and no 6 person weekend outings equals more money in my pocket which is a plus. I will most definitely focus on me.

 

Thanks for your responses drallafi, it's always good to have someone to listen and most of the guys I count as friends have just said, "WTF"!? or "What's her deal"? I'm still working on getting a counseling session to work on my issues.

[flitzanu]

meh, i wouldn't beat yourself up too bad about your little jealousy stint that night. you've dated for two years, that isn't going to make her drop you instantly. this is something she's been building and planning for a while.

 

and, regardless of what she's calling it, break = breakup. i need time = i want to meet other people.

 

i wouldn't count on her coming back. in fact, i'd even wager the next conversations you have will be her getting angrier and pushier to get you to back off.

[bubbaganoosh]

There's a old saying. "leave sleeping dogs lie' In other words if she's interested in keeping the relationship, she'll contact you. In the mean time go about your day and try not to dwell on it. Yeah I know, easier said than done but what other choice do you have. If your going to give her the space she wants then let her have it. I wouldn't contact her unless she contacts you and keep it that way. After a while you'll know by her phone calls or texts if she still has feelings for you. You'll know if it's affection or just a friendship type message. You'll be able to read between the lines and know.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the quick replies.

 

Todreaminblue:

 

She kind of seems to have problems saying what she really means. She is just indecisive and she sometimes has a difficult problem expressing things. She can write out her feelings quite well but she also tries to keep things to herself. She doesn't like confrontation. She was always afraid to bring up some of her issues about work with her bosses (which happen to be her mom and aunt). She would always tell me what they were but I couldn't ever get her to tell THEM.

 

My trip is going to be 3 1/2 months. Just enough time for her to get through her first full time semester.

 

I think that with everything going on in her life she just ended up attacking the closest and easiest alligator to the boat and that ended up being me. But that hurts a lot, if I mean that much to someone why would they act out in such a way? Why would someone do something that harsh with a relationship that was so meaningful?

 

 

 

I am similar....i am more a writer than a speaker....and i avoid confrontation when i can........when i cant....it makes me anxious.....i can hold things for years and not tell how i feel.. eventually though holding, unsaid things inside sends you loco.......it is actually a stressor

 

 

i consider what you said to her pretty mild.......not worth ending a relationship over

 

 

and

 

 

from what you have written further down she has restated it's not forever that you are breaking up...this is just a thought....btu there could be soemthing else that is stressing her out and freaking her out other than what you said....something she hasnt told you...i dont mean a guy is in the picture at all....but she could be under some kind of stress you dont know about...what you said to her wasnt that bad....but......she obviously got a little spooked so now you know what not to do...forewarned..its all growth....i think you guys have a chance of getting back together...dont push her and that could happen.....good luck...deb

[CaptAwesome]

 

i consider what you said to her pretty mild.......not worth ending a relationship over

 

 

and

 

 

from what you have written further down she has restated it's not forever that you are breaking up...this is just a thought....btu there could be soemthing else that is stressing her out and freaking her out other than what you said....something she hasnt told you...i dont mean a guy is in the picture at all....but she could be under some kind of stress you dont know about...what you said to her wasnt that bad....but......she obviously got a little spooked so now you know what not to do...forewarned..its all growth....i think you guys have a chance of getting back together...dont push her and that could happen.....good luck...deb

 

There are a multitude of things stressing her; death of her friend, quitting her job, guilt of having to support her children through her parents, starting a very rigorous college schedule, me leaving for 3 months (she doesn't like it when I'm gone) then I said what I did.

She has shown absolutely no signs of pre-planning a breakup, she wasn't showing me any less affection or contacting me any less, wasn't acting weird or standoffish.

I do feel angry that I'm something that can so easily be put on the back burner and I have half a mind to just be the one to break up and get it over with and if she wants me back later she can work for it. BUT, I'm going to ride this out for a couple of weeks before I do or say anything rash. I'm staying calm and cool, staying away from alcohol and occupying my time.

Edited August 19, 2013 by CaptAwesome