janedoe67 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I hate the term revenge affair. An affair is cheating. Someone else's terrible behavior doesn't mitigate mine.
drifter777 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 The lack of consequences for my WW really fueled my anger and resentment big time. I turned to punishment out of sheer desperation so I could feel like I was finally taking some kind of action.
BetrayedH Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 You did not want to punish your WW. Then you go and have an RA. How is a RA not punishment? I don't mean to justify my RA but I will say that revenge was never the intent. It was a convoluted thought process at the time but my intent was to restore my marriage. I was becoming increasingly angry, jealous, bitter and was broken-hearted. My wife has suggested that I do what I needed to do to heal. I knew what she meant. Once I started down that slippery slope, it was far too easy to mentally justify. I figured it would bring some balance to the equation. She wasn't to know about it and I would no longer be able to be angry at her. It was an abysmal failure. I don't have it in me to take it to the grave and confessed before the affair went beyond kissing. Again, I don't justify it. It was horribly wrong and did hurt my wife. In fact, I'm on the record on numerous occasions on LS speaking out against RAs from a point of experience.
BetrayedH Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I hate the term revenge affair. An affair is cheating. Someone else's terrible behavior doesn't mitigate mine. I don't disagree. I made my own piss-poor decision. I was desperate for external validation, felt entitled, and wanted to avoid conflict. That's a recipe for an affair. I made my own choices and have had to face my own demons since. I made a decision to relinquish the moral high ground to balance things. But nothing was balanced. The result was that I relinquished the moral high ground, much like anyone else that has an affair. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 The lack of consequences for my WW really fueled my anger and resentment big time. I turned to punishment out of sheer desperation so I could feel like I was finally taking some kind of action. I suspect that we'd both like a "do-over." In hindsight, do you think that you would be able to balance natural consequences vs artificial ones or do you think that you would take more of a scorched-earth approach?
Author Coolit Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 It's possible that the only difference is the motivation. I agree 100% with this. 1
Furious Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Looking back on my D-day I wasn't angry, I was broken and I all I felt was a a sadness that permeated my bones. I had no urge to punish. I was resolute to move forward toward divorcing my husband. I wished him well as I handed him his suitcase. This was a consequence not a punishment. 4
BetrayedH Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Looking back on my D-day I wasn't angry, I was broken and I all I felt was a a sadness that permeated my bones. I had no urge to punish. I was resolute to move forward toward divorcing my husband. I wished him well as I handed him his suitcase. This was a consequence not a punishment. Broken is the term I most identify with as well. And I wish I had just packed her bags. I do think that is a natural consequence. I also believe in immediately filing for divorce and only changing your mind if you see sufficient remorse to justify a pause in the proceedings. That's another natural consequence of marital infidelity. But the truth is, I didn't know what the hell to do at the time. I just wanted the whole disaster to stop. 3
96nole Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Broken is the term I most identify with as well. And I wish I had just packed her bags. I do think that is a natural consequence. I also believe in immediately filing for divorce and only changing your mind if you see sufficient remorse to justify a pause in the proceedings. That's another natural consequence of marital infidelity. But the truth is, I didn't know what the hell to do at the time. I just wanted the whole disaster to stop. Knowing what you know now, of course you would have just packed her bags. Unfortunately, only hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is still blind. When it first hit us all, we were all just so shocked, none of us knew what to do. We were making it up as we went and hoped for the best. Now that I have experienced this, if it happens again, bags will be immediately packed. Immediate consequence. 4
BetrayedH Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Knowing what you know now, of course you would have just packed her bags. Unfortunately, only hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is still blind. When it first hit us all, we were all just so shocked, none of us knew what to do. We were making it up as we went and hoped for the best. Now that I have experienced this, if it happens again, bags will be immediately packed. Immediate consequence. As I recall, you did pretty well, 96. You decided upon D pretty quickly and didn't really look back, right? 1
Furious Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Broken is the term I most identify with as well. And I wish I had just packed her bags. I do think that is a natural consequence. I also believe in immediately filing for divorce and only changing your mind if you see sufficient remorse to justify a pause in the proceedings. That's another natural consequence of marital infidelity. But the truth is, I didn't know what the hell to do at the time. I just wanted the whole disaster to stop. BH You have consistently been a generous and compassionate asset to this forum as you reach out and help so many here. You're honesty and tenacity is inspiring. I truly admire you and I have to say you're ex did not deserve you. I think her greatest consequence is trading in gold for rust. You're only human and like 96nole said, hindsight is 20/20. 6
BetrayedH Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 BH You have consistently been a generous and compassionate asset to this forum as you reach out and help so many here. You're honesty and tenacity is inspiring. I truly admire you and I have to say you're ex did not deserve you. I think her greatest consequence is trading in gold for rust. You're only human and like 96nole said, hindsight is 20/20. You've always been a kind soul, Furious. Thanks for the support; it was timely, appreciated and from someone I respect. To be on-topic, suffice it to say that RAs are not such a great idea, either as a consequence or punishment (which is what they typically are and I can see the viewpoint that mine may have been as well). Any good I felt from it was as short-lived as a roll in the hay. The longer term consequences I've sustained suck. 2
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Well I'm pretty sure I was both exacting consequences and punishing....and I am today okay with it. My motivation was survival and getting off the crazy train...and I consider myself hugely successful in that I...3 to 5 years later, accomplished my goal of both! I am human, NOT perfect. And I took the high road when I had the emotional strength to do so and enlisted help when I wanted to PUNCH, PUNISH and crash cars when I did not. And I am proud of all of it in retrospect, many years later. As BentnotBroken always said: " No one was killed. No one went to jail. All in all, a good result." And you should be proud of WHATEVER restraint you could show during the most horrific time of your life, and FORGIVE yourself for your moments of weakness when you were punishing. YOU were the victim of the worst pain and deception a human being could withstand: Betrayal by someone you loved and trusted. And you survived. No one thought of the pain, consequences and punishing actions on your soul, your spirit, and your psyche when they were in lying and deceiving you, right? Why do you owe them a better, higher road treatment after discovery? You do not. Motivations be damned. it is just one more excuse used to make you feel guiltier for being victimized. it is crap. You survived. Be proud. 3
96nole Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 As I recall, you did pretty well, 96. You decided upon D pretty quickly and didn't really look back, right? After the second d-day I did. If I knew then what I know now, when I kicked her out the first time, I never would have let her back. Going forward, I will be one and done. I'm not going to waste the time and energy on another false reconciliation. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Well I'm pretty sure I was both exacting consequences and punishing....and I am today okay with it. My motivation was survival and getting off the crazy train...and I consider myself hugely successful in that I...3 to 5 years later, accomplished my goal of both! I am human, NOT perfect. And I took the high road when I had the emotional strength to do so and enlisted help when I wanted to PUNCH, PUNISH and crash cars when I did not. And I am proud of all of it in retrospect, many years later. As BentnotBroken always said: " No one was killed. No one went to jail. All in all, a good result." And you should be proud of WHATEVER restraint you could show during the most horrific time of your life, and FORGIVE yourself for your moments of weakness when you were punishing. YOU were the victim of the worst pain and deception a human being could withstand: Betrayal by someone you loved and trusted. And you survived. No one thought of the pain, consequences and punishing actions on your soul, your spirit, and your psyche when they were in lying and deceiving you, right? Why do you owe them a better, higher road treatment after discovery? You do not. Motivations be damned. it is just one more excuse used to make you feel guiltier for being victimized. it is crap. You survived. Be proud. Ha, ha. But I did go to jail (fortunately, it was just 15 hours). Damn uncomfortable, those orange jumpsuits. Did you know they don't let you wear underwear under those things?! 2
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Ha, ha. But I did go to jail (fortunately, it was just 15 hours). Damn uncomfortable, those orange jumpsuits. Did you know they don't let you wear underwear under those things?! underwear is overrated, but orange is not my best color. Glad I was able to avoid it. 3
Furious Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 underwear is overrated, but orange is not my best color. Glad I was able to avoid it. Do you know this is triggering me. 2
drifter777 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I suspect that we'd both like a "do-over." In hindsight, do you think that you would be able to balance natural consequences vs artificial ones or do you think that you would take more of a scorched-earth approach? A do-over based on hindsight? Walk out and file for divorce ASAP. Never look back.
BetrayedH Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 A do-over based on hindsight? Walk out and file for divorce ASAP. Never look back. Hmm. Well, I appreciate the honest answer. For myself, I think I would've liked to see true remorse. It's a fantasy, I suppose, and something that probably wasn't in my control. But I often wonder if a harsher, immediate file/pack bags approach might have better created an environment for a R such as Spark, Frozen, Decorative, Furious, Mercy and others experienced. I'm really not enjoying the divorced but co-parenting scenario I have before me for another 11 years.
ComingInHot Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 BH, Furious, Drifter777, you guys are just the best BS's EVER!!((virtual hug)) But Sappy as He$$ !! J/K LOL!! Granted I Did Kick him byebye, then let him back to attempt R and I guess, so far so good. Do you know I STILL have dreams about kicking his Azz sometimes?! and they aren't like "bad" dreams for me... i'm sick... * 1
drifter777 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 BH: see my post to you on the "What is your story? Link me." thread.
drifter777 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 BH, Furious, Drifter777, you guys are just the best BS's EVER!!((virtual hug)) But Sappy as He$$ !! J/K LOL!! Granted I Did Kick him byebye, then let him back to attempt R and I guess, so far so good. Do you know I STILL have dreams about kicking his Azz sometimes?! and they aren't like "bad" dreams for me... i'm sick... * No your not - just a typical BS. Usually my dreams about her cheating are that it is happening right now and I have that horrible, disgusting feeling in my stomach knowing I have to go through it all over again. For the first few seconds after I wake from those dreams I fantasize about throwing her ass out the door right there and then; to make her pay a price she never had to pay. Funny how dreams can awaken the strong emotions from the past. 1
ComingInHot Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Drifter777, Yep. Those dreams suck but I don't have the he's still cheating or doing it again dreams hardly at all these days, but yes they do creep up some times. My dreams are, seriously, me just being sadistic and "punishing" him just for the sake of punishing him... DISCLAIMER: I would NEVER do this. EVER! (unless he did cheat again ) -I sneak in the shower and add hair removal cream to his Shampoo It's stupid really, I know. But I think I am still hurting somewhere that only comes out in my dreams. I don't have these dreams often but my Gosh, they are so funny to me when I do, because they're so stupid and immature. Okay, this post doesn't leave this page... don't tell anyone.* 2
aliveagain Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Drifter777, Yep. Those dreams suck but I don't have the he's still cheating or doing it again dreams hardly at all these days, but yes they do creep up some times. My dreams are, seriously, me just being sadistic and "punishing" him just for the sake of punishing him... DISCLAIMER: I would NEVER do this. EVER! (unless he did cheat again ) -I sneak in the shower and add hair removal cream to his Shampoo It's stupid really, I know. But I think I am still hurting somewhere that only comes out in my dreams. I don't have these dreams often but my Gosh, they are so funny to me when I do, because they're so stupid and immature. Okay, this post doesn't leave this page... don't tell anyone.* Absolutely brilliant, your my new hero:laugh:, why can't I think of something this evil? Brilliant. 1
Journee Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I honestly feel ( and have told H this too) that his A was a punishment for me. I used to think that he was a self sabotager. His previous transgressions seemed like his way of staying the course of his destructive and toxic habits from his ex. They had a twisted dynamic and I thought he was carrying over that sick "tit for tat " " me against the world" attitude into our relationship. We separated ,I left after a non cheating incident. I think he felt angry at me and resented having to go through true consequences of the crap he had handed me over the years. I finally took a real stand. I left. He was on his own. I got the paperwork together for D and tried to stay strong. I didn't want the same cycle of beg me back and rug sweep to start again. This time there would be change and real change at that. It drove a wedge between us. He chased me until he caught me. Then once he caught me he punished me for leaving and hurting him. He must had forgotten about the two other women he slept with and that I already knew what this felt like.... but did he? This is just my interpretation of what happened. H more than likely would never admit that. I just believe that's the sick crap that happened. I feel pretty whipped at this point. Not sure which way to go. I am not very hopeful in the future with him and really think it would be easier to start fresh with someone who doesn't have a history of cheating. Someone who doesn't have a history of cheating on not only me , but every person they have ever been with. The problem isn't me in this so why not? Thatbe his worst nightmare... that I move on. That would be true consequences not reconciliation.. at least in my book. 3
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