bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I felt like that at times too, and then other times I went the other way and thought I was being too hard on him. My personality is that way, I'm very assertive, and I always worry that I'm crossing over into aggressive instead of just assertive. But you're exactly right, being the mistress was the big compromise, everything else should be a given. This is so me. Stand up and demand what I need and then worry that I'm going to push him away by demanding what I need. Such a screwed up roller coaster!
Daisy2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Of course we know what we're doing is not right, we know MM is not being fair on us or the wife, etc. But my question is: do you ever feel like you're demanding too much, not being understanding enough, and that if he withdraws it's your fault, because you were complaining too much, and weren't patient enough? Your thoughts? ******** Never. He pursued me and told me he was unhappy, would whine, etc. When he withdrew, it would be for his own issues. I never pushed him, but would ask if we would ever end up together. Our A wasn't the typical A, more friends with benefits and "I love you." I didn't get any gifts nor was I "kept." Of course, I didn't demand or push, just accepted what it was...all at his convenience, and I was the doormat.
fanine Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Besides being morally wrong, what you stated above is the basic problem about an A relationship. It doesn't have closure, progression, true open communication, too many conditions, and is just horribly complicated. We end up acting like teary-eyed teenagers at the prom, because the games we play in the A are very immature and not based in mature or logical thinking. Unless you've been in a A, you have no idea what it does to your head. To answer your question directly, yes I have often felt that way. Why, because my xMM was great at playing the victim (although he pursued me hard), and I'm really good at playing the person who tries to fix everything. He also never promised me he'd leave -- I never wanted him to leave, and I had no intention of leaving my family either ... yet I wanted the relationship to grow or at least stay at the same intensity. It was an impossible situation with no way of ending well. So, all these dynamics of contact, no contact, nagging, and fighting keep going around and around until someone ends the A once in for all. How are you C00kie? Have you read enough here that you are ready to end it? Mine was great playing the victim too. And me, I always try to fix things. I felt like his mother almost in the end. Whenever he had a massive panic over anything he would call me. Once he was taking a flight and he thought he wouldn't be able to board as there was a problem with his ticket. He called me from the airport in tears. He was his shoulder to cry on, the one always helping him... And yes that is the crux of the problem. These relationships don't grow. They get stuck. You can't really make any plans. There is no talking of getting a home together, getting to know the family or friends properly (in my case I knew all his friends but he kept a distance from mine and my family). Frustration builds, the OW or other OM makes demands that in a normal relationship would not be a demand.....fights follow that often start from a tiny thing. It is impossible, frustrating, crazy making, upsetting, heart wrenching. At time i would just say out loud to myself I hate all this, I wish he would just vanish, disappear
Author C00kie Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 At time i would just say out loud to myself I hate all this, I wish he would just vanish, disappear I've caught myself thinking this too....
Author C00kie Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) When I post here, I post about the downs of the relationship. He obviously has qualities, and has done some very significant things for me, and I mean really significant, in spite of not having divorced or even separated. But in the end of the day...it's just not enough. As fanine said, "it is impossible, frustrating, crazy making, upsetting, heart wrenching." How are you C00kie? Have you read enough here that you are ready to end it? No, I am not ready, but I'm closer than I've ever been, even if it's still a bit far away...I feel it's not that far away. I think I'm starting to come to terms with it. My head's still a mess, I want to get my ideas as straight as possible. I know I'll never be able to find all the answers I want, nor will I be able to understand how can one (he) behave like this, but I need to find a balance so that I know that I do the right thing for the right reasons. Maybe I'm just postponing it, because I know I'll be in such excruciating pain (a bit drama queen here, but that's what I feel). However, I am the kind of person who will do whatever needs to be done. I think we're here to be happy and in order to be happy sometimes we have to make painful decisions, but that's how we grow, that's how we free ourselves. However, doing the right thing doesn't always pay off; that's the sad part: knowing you did your best and you're still in pain. But that's the only thing you can do really. If this won't do, nothing else will anyway. Edited August 19, 2013 by C00kie
bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 And yes that is the crux of the problem. These relationships don't grow. They get stuck. You can't really make any plans. There is no talking of getting a home together, getting to know the family or friends properly We do/did all of this in detail (he's even told me where he specifically wants to buy land to build us a house and details of the house that he wants built), but now I fear it's "future faking" after reading here.
Author C00kie Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 We do/did all of this in detail (he's even told me where he specifically wants to buy land to build us a house and details of the house that he wants built), but now I fear it's "future faking" after reading here. To be honest, that's why reading this forum can be as helping as desperating. It may help us see clearer or it might just make us become paranoid without any reason... 2
WakingUp Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I find this place to be helpful when things aren't going well, but totally toxic when things are good. LS has had an influence on my relationship, yes. But back to the original post... I feel awful when I put any kind of pressure on him. But I don't understand why. He deserves pressure after nearly five years of my life. 1
Author C00kie Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I find this place to be helpful when things aren't going well, but totally toxic when things are good. LS has had an influence on my relationship, yes. But back to the original post... I feel awful when I put any kind of pressure on him. But I don't understand why. He deserves pressure after nearly five years of my life. You feel bad because you fear losing him...and you fear losing him will be your fault, because you didn't do enough, or weren't patient enough. That's what I feel....we really gotta build up our self-esteem. Five years is a very long time. Has he told you he will be with you or has no intention of doing so?
Feb Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 We do/did all of this in detail (he's even told me where he specifically wants to buy land to build us a house and details of the house that he wants built), but now I fear it's "future faking" after reading here. There is a lot of future faking in A's. I sincerely believe that some of these 'fakers' are not intentionally lying. They might really intend to leave and build a future with you, but just can't get themselves to do it when the time comes. The guilt and pressures from church, family, kids, etc. are too much to bear for most. The excuses may seem very legitimate in their mind -- "need to wait until kids go to college", "need to become financially stable", "need to wait until family member recovers from illness", but as those milestones go by, you'll know whether they are really going to leave or not. The worst situation is when the AP does leave and move out of the house. You think you are free and clear and about to get the "happy ending". Then a month or two into it, the new relationship falls apart due to the AP's guilt, stress, or simply because the relationship didn't start from a legitimate place and all those demons manifest themselves in the R. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 He'll come to see me in a month (we're in a LDR) and the thing that irritates me the most is he keeps saying "i don't want any fights", "i'm afraid we'll fight like other times" and I feel like saying WELL, IF WE FIGHT THAT'S YOUR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE, why pressure me into NOT saying anything?? He just expects me to be fine with everything!! And if I'm not, he steps away. Awful cicle! So much hurt, I swear I'm gonna get rid of this Him telling you that (doesn't want any fights) means (more or less) that things are the way they are, either accept it or end it. He doesn't want to be bugged about when/if he is going to leave and divorce his wife. Yet he'll give you just enough hope to hang on, but meanwhile deep down inside he knows he has no intention of leaving and divorcing, he just wants an affair. This drives you nuts, you're unhappy and feeling strife much of the time, maybe it's time for you to figure out if this is worth it. How healthy this is for you and all that you put up with.
bentleychic Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I agree with Feb in that I think that in some situations the married spouse is not intentionally lying. I really think that actions, actions, actions speak a lot louder than wishful thinking, promises, and dreams of how life will be faraway from now. Buying a land, building a house is a very big, encompassing dream. And it is lovely... but what about actively moving towards the steps and goals in between to get to that house? My point is that one can talk all they want about the future, but if they are not doing the dirty job to get there, then it is nothing but talk. My SO and I were long distance. When we decided to move in together we had to do all of the hard work to get to the point where we were together. So we said: "OK, we'll live together for this long, you will get your doctorate, we will have kids, and life will be awesome!" But we had to do the action. We had to find a place, move our belongings, sell the unwanted things, quit my job, find a new job, say goodbye to friends, inform the family, and that was just the superficial stuff... all of this was hard! and at times painful. So yes, you can have the house, but he has to do the work... inform the wife, go through the separation, get a divorce, tell the family, probably put the kids in counseling for the adjustment just to name a few.... if that is not happening then the house is just wishful thinking. IMO. I totally agree that actions are way more important than words. Every step that he has told me would happen thus far has happened and I've seen proof of it. This Fall will be the true test as some big steps are going to be taken to prove that it's really following the course, but from everything I've seen thus far, it's headed in the right direction. I guess that's why I am still here. I still have some belief, that maybe, just maybe, he may be different. I'm sure that's what most OW want to believe, too, though. His kids are adults and are not his BW's. 1
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