C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 First of all, I don't mean to be a pain - I've been posting quite regularly, but I'm in a bit of a turmoil, so please bear with me while I don't calm down a bit... Of course we know what we're doing is not right, we know MM is not being fair on us or the wife, etc. But my question is: do you ever feel like you're demanding too much, not being understanding enough, and that if he withdraws it's your fault, because you were complaining too much, and weren't patient enough? I feel like this quite often. I feel like I'm nagging him all the time, even though he's responsible for that, because he's not solving his situation in the promise timeframe (that's if he ever will). And then I can't help thinking I'm a pain in the ass...even if it's all caused by him - or am I really like this maybe, and he just triggers it more? I feel like I must have borderline personality disorder or something. Always on the verge. Your thoughts?
MissBee Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 That's the crazy-making aspect of relationships like this... 4
affairaddict Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Well it's a vicious circle. You are nagging because he can't possibly give you all you need. Then you feel guilty as your putting his feelings before yours. When it should be about your feelings, it's a no win situation tr nagging the arguing then the I'm sorry for being rude and moody (so desperate to cling on to him not to lose him, been there) when he's not even yours in the first place. There is a way to stop this cycle.... 1
Author C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 He'll come to see me in a month (we're in a LDR) and the thing that irritates me the most is he keeps saying "i don't want any fights", "i'm afraid we'll fight like other times" and I feel like saying WELL, IF WE FIGHT THAT'S YOUR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE, why pressure me into NOT saying anything?? He just expects me to be fine with everything!! And if I'm not, he steps away. Awful cicle! So much hurt, I swear I'm gonna get rid of this
thefooloftheyear Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Well it's a vicious circle. You are nagging because he can't possibly give you all you need. Then you feel guilty as your putting his feelings before yours. When it should be about your feelings, it's a no win situation tr nagging the arguing then the I'm sorry for being rude and moody (so desperate to cling on to him not to lose him, been there) when he's not even yours in the first place. There is a way to stop this cycle....[/QUOTE] Yep..... You probably are being a pain in the ass, whether its his "fault" or not...But then if you know the rules of this game, the choice is yours.... End it.....Game over.. I wish you well TFY 2
affairaddict Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I know it's hard thinking about ending it but the best thing is he can't ever let me down or disappoint me again. He can't make me feel second best or guilty for having a go at him. It will make you doubt your own sanity and your self esteem will just be in tatters. Please want better for yourself. 2
janedoe67 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I am glad you asked this question because it is the fundamental question I have not been able to really put into words. I just have always wondered as I read things about "deluded BS's" that of course the MM could never really love....I think about that children involved....and I wonder if an OW feels any sense of responsibility about ANY of that.
Ladydrib Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 First of all, I don't mean to be a pain - I've been posting quite regularly, but I'm in a bit of a turmoil, so please bear with me while I don't calm down a bit... Of course we know what we're doing is not right, we know MM is not being fair on us or the wife, etc. But my question is: do you ever feel like you're demanding too much, not being understanding enough, and that if he withdraws it's your fault, because you were complaining too much, and weren't patient enough? I feel like this quite often. I feel like I'm nagging him all the time, even though he's responsible for that, because he's not solving his situation in the promise timeframe (that's if he ever will). And then I can't help thinking I'm a pain in the ass...even if it's all caused by him - or am I really like this maybe, and he just triggers it more? I feel like I must have borderline personality disorder or something. Always on the verge. Your thoughts? Exactly. If you don't voice that its not okay then you are allowing less than best. If you do voice then you become a nag who he can easily walk away from, unlike the wife where it's not easy to escape. So if you nag you lose the allure. If you don't you tolerate mistreatment. You can't win. You're best off saying what you want only once and then walking away. He probably won't chase you but at least he will know you are to be taken seriously. And if he ever does leave, you can talk to him then. 3
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Yup yup yup! And he always says "I can't give you what you need and deserve right now." and my answer is always the same "Yes, you can. You choose not to and for now you keep getting away with it because I keep letting you." As I say, I don't mince words. He knows how I feel. Probably more than he wants to.
Author C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 I think that is just human nature and really pretty healthy to at least examine our behaviors and such when we get feedback about them. This is how I know that it wasn't just about sex. My exMM can have sex any time he wants, and he knows it. He could have no strings attached sex every day with a different girl for the next couple of years and not run out of admirers, this is just a face with him and his career. They are always there, showing him their goodies, leaving their numbers for him, looking him up online and propositioning him. If he wanted "just sex" he could have found it a million other places with WAY less hassle than with me. He and I have a lot of years together and he has done a lot of relationship "work" with me that if it was just sex he was after he would have never done. Let's be honest here. I know that because of what my exMM does for a living he has more than the norm of admirers, but only because he has access to thousands of new people constantly. If any adult with at least some charm and some good looks (and most people are at least not hideous) wants to have no strings attached sex, they can. It's as easy as a trip to the local bar or whatever. That's why this never flies with me. Men just do not put that kind of work into someone for "just sex" and looking at men who are just looking for sex we all know that's true. Those men literally have sex with someone and never speak to them again. Those men do that regularly and with many different women. But if a man is putting in effort for years and years, it isn't just about sex. That's maybe a tangent, lol, but that's what this post brought up. We all make mistakes in relationships, no matter what type of relationship they are. So of course we question if we are asking for too much. It's a fine balance to get what you need and want while giving what your partner needs and wants too. But I think at the end of the day you have to realize that after so long, if it's not happening, it just isn't going to happen. This is why so many people stay married way past the expiration date of their marriages, because they are hopeful that eventually, at some point, everyone will just magically be happy and content again (if they ever were), but it's just not going to happen for most of these couples. UNLESS you are willing to settle Agree 100%
So happy together Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Thanks. And I should clarify, I mean settle as in settle for less than you truly want or need. I have no idea how much settling is too much or how much is not enough, I just know that people do it. I'm not ready, or willing, just quite yet to do so. Who knows, in a few years, or if I had 20 years with someone, that might be different. No idea. Yes, but you are right in the thought process. Beautifully written. 2
trailrunner1975 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Ex mm here. My take is you have a lot more invested than he does. He obviously has no intention of following through and is stringing things along. The hard part is your heart is in it now, and the only way to fix this is to cut it off cold. No calls, no contact. Find a local activity group and get out there and stay busy. I must have been seeing his long lost twin as she had me in the same mode. Then I realized I deserved so much more. I bolted so fast her head probably spun. I do miss the" old her", but the "her" I would up with in the end could care less how I was doing. Now she calls me every so often, but I have zero desire to continue on. I am finally free. 3
fanine Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Ex mm here. My take is you have a lot more invested than he does. He obviously has no intention of following through and is stringing things along. The hard part is your heart is in it now, and the only way to fix this is to cut it off cold. No calls, no contact. Find a local activity group and get out there and stay busy. I must have been seeing his long lost twin as she had me in the same mode. Then I realized I deserved so much more. I bolted so fast her head probably spun. I do miss the" old her", but the "her" I would up with in the end could care less how I was doing. Now she calls me every so often, but I have zero desire to continue on. I am finally free. Do you mean you were the mm or the om?
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Do you mean you were the mm or the om? I hope so. Otherwise, the flood gates of tongue lashings may follow. 1
trailrunner1975 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 We were both married at the time. The fairy tale turned into a nightmare. I didn't have anyone to turn to so I worked through it all by myself. This board would have made a huge difference.
trailrunner1975 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I had the female version of the mms that seem to cause a lot of the headaches for the posters here.
fanine Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 We were both married at the time. The fairy tale turned into a nightmare. I didn't have anyone to turn to so I worked through it all by myself. This board would have made a huge difference. Well welcome here. You will find us of all shapes and sizes here, with some things in common, and others with unique experiences. But we all try to help each other in the little ways we can, whether OW, OM, MM etc etc..... 1
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 We were both married at the time. The fairy tale turned into a nightmare. I didn't have anyone to turn to so I worked through it all by myself. This board would have made a huge difference. With just one partner being married, it's not a fairy tale so two being married sounds more like a great recipe for he!!. You were both culpable for what your relationship and attitudes became. Cause and effect. (Just as I know allowing him to give me the crumbs results in me feeling the way I do and responding the way that I do.) From what I see/experience, women seem to get more "caught up" in relationships than men and expect more attention, communication, etc. Maybe that's just in my experiences (even when not involved with a MM).
trailrunner1975 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 It was the recipe that includes sprinkles on top. Shards of glass that is. I was just as much at fault for sure. The emotional investment was definitely larger on my end, making the fog that much worse. I look back and still can't fathom how I wound up where I did. It was so far off course from my usual path. I didn't mean to hijack the thread. Thanks for the welcome fanine! 1
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 That's an interesting dynamic. I generally see the woman feeling that way or the OM if they're not married. It's good to hear different experiences, though. Must be that whole every person is different thing. Throws my whole generalization/black & white thing out the window. LOL 2
trailrunner1975 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 It was the only time I ever went down that road. We grew up together. Have known each other/each other's families since we were 10.
Feb Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 First of all, I don't mean to be a pain - I've been posting quite regularly, but I'm in a bit of a turmoil, so please bear with me while I don't calm down a bit... Of course we know what we're doing is not right, we know MM is not being fair on us or the wife, etc. But my question is: do you ever feel like you're demanding too much, not being understanding enough, and that if he withdraws it's your fault, because you were complaining too much, and weren't patient enough? I feel like this quite often. I feel like I'm nagging him all the time, even though he's responsible for that, because he's not solving his situation in the promise timeframe (that's if he ever will). And then I can't help thinking I'm a pain in the ass...even if it's all caused by him - or am I really like this maybe, and he just triggers it more? I feel like I must have borderline personality disorder or something. Always on the verge. Your thoughts? Besides being morally wrong, what you stated above is the basic problem about an A relationship. It doesn't have closure, progression, true open communication, too many conditions, and is just horribly complicated. We end up acting like teary-eyed teenagers at the prom, because the games we play in the A are very immature and not based in mature or logical thinking. Unless you've been in a A, you have no idea what it does to your head. To answer your question directly, yes I have often felt that way. Why, because my xMM was great at playing the victim (although he pursued me hard), and I'm really good at playing the person who tries to fix everything. He also never promised me he'd leave -- I never wanted him to leave, and I had no intention of leaving my family either ... yet I wanted the relationship to grow or at least stay at the same intensity. It was an impossible situation with no way of ending well. So, all these dynamics of contact, no contact, nagging, and fighting keep going around and around until someone ends the A once in for all. How are you C00kie? Have you read enough here that you are ready to end it? 1
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I never wanted him to leave, and I had no intention of leaving my family either ... yet I wanted the relationship to grow or at least stay at the same intensity. It was an impossible situation with no way of ending well. Sounds like a frustrating situation all around, for sure!
Got it Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 First of all, I don't mean to be a pain - I've been posting quite regularly, but I'm in a bit of a turmoil, so please bear with me while I don't calm down a bit... Of course we know what we're doing is not right, we know MM is not being fair on us or the wife, etc. But my question is: do you ever feel like you're demanding too much, not being understanding enough, and that if he withdraws it's your fault, because you were complaining too much, and weren't patient enough? I feel like this quite often. I feel like I'm nagging him all the time, even though he's responsible for that, because he's not solving his situation in the promise timeframe (that's if he ever will). And then I can't help thinking I'm a pain in the ass...even if it's all caused by him - or am I really like this maybe, and he just triggers it more? I feel like I must have borderline personality disorder or something. Always on the verge. Your thoughts? Yeah no. This man was lucky enough to have a wife. Having a mistress is an event few men actually get to experience. You better bet that I going to ask for whatever I feel like if he is getting the privilege of eating cake and any issues, concerns, pains, or frustrations is his baby to rock and I better just hear, "thank you ma'am may I have another". I was high maintenance as a mistress, I was high maintenance as I girlfriend and I am high maintenance as a wife. I will love you deeply, I will move heaven and earth for you but I damn well will expect the same in return. So no, I never felt like I asked to much. Compromising to be his mistress was accommodation enough. I didn't feel I needed to concede much more than that. 2
Goodbye Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 First of all, I don't mean to be a pain - I've been posting quite regularly, but I'm in a bit of a turmoil, so please bear with me while I don't calm down a bit... Of course we know what we're doing is not right, we know MM is not being fair on us or the wife, etc. But my question is: do you ever feel like you're demanding too much, not being understanding enough, and that if he withdraws it's your fault, because you were complaining too much, and weren't patient enough? I feel like this quite often. I feel like I'm nagging him all the time, even though he's responsible for that, because he's not solving his situation in the promise timeframe (that's if he ever will). And then I can't help thinking I'm a pain in the ass...even if it's all caused by him - or am I really like this maybe, and he just triggers it more? I feel like I must have borderline personality disorder or something. Always on the verge. Your thoughts? I absolutely loathed the woman I was becoming. When my exMM finally revealed that he was, in fact, married and still living with his wife, I was shocked. Shocked and horrified, but already in love. It made me feel bi-polar...out of control love and then raging anger. Thankfully this period lasted only a few weeks before I went NC. But, during that time I'd call with ultimatums then back off. Then he'd call and I'd beg to see him and then tell him what a disgusting human he was for misleading his wife. It was completely unhealthy and made me feel like a pain in the a$$ for basically wanting a normal, loving relationship.
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