What happened to being friends?

[Wings Of Love]

As some of you may know, my boyfriend left me just over a month ago now, said he wasn't sure of his feelings and staying with me while he was so confused wasn't fair to me. He promised he'd do a lot of soul-searching to see if those feelings were truly gone or if they were still there. Several times I tried to back off and give him space to clear his head, but he was always adamant we stay friends.

 

The thing is, he's not acting like a friend to me.

 

At first he would text me every single day, would initiate every conversation, kept checking up on me. The last time I saw him (July 18th) he insisted that we stay in contact and when he left he promised to text me later. And then he went silent for several days. He sent two texts after that, but ignored my responses. Then he didn't say a word for 12 days. After that he contacted me apologising for not speaking to me, he thought it was what I wanted. I told him I didn't want to stop talking and he once again promised to message me the following day. He didn't. Six days later I heard from him again, told me that unless I made an effort we could not stay in touch. I agreed that we should BOTH make an effort. For a few days that worked out alright, though he would only ever contact me late in the evening, send a few messages and then say he was going to bed. If I initiated conversations, he would take anywhere between 5 minutes and 2 hours to respond.

 

Last weekend he said he had to go to bed early and that he would text me the next day. Once again, that did not happen and he was silent for another week until I contacted him. He responded immediately telling me all about his week and asked how mine was. When I told him about mine and how I'm finally getting some ID, he ignored me for a few hours, then said "That's good, it's about time you got some identity" and then he told me he had to go and would speak to me soon.

 

That last line sounded like an insult to me. We haven't spoken since. He's so distant and cold at times. It's not like him at all, my family knew him long before I did, and they set us up because they knew how sweet and gentle he was. It doesn't make sense to me. He has always contacted me eventually after every period of silence, but only says that he'd like us to be friends. So why is he acting like talking to me is a chore?

 

Also, he has some of my things that really can't be replaced, but I don't want to ask him to meet me because it doesn't seem likely he will. His brother and my sister are in-laws, should I ask him to return my things via them?

[JDPT]

It prolongs the inevitable and leaves issue dormant. As stated, later on down the line when you marry someone and you still keep in touch with your ex, do you think your future husband/wife will like it? would you like it? end all contact immediately is for your own good.

[Wings Of Love]

He didn't deliver on his promise to always be with you, marry you, have kids with you, grow old with you, etc.

 

Why did you expect him to deliver on the "will can still be friends" promise?

 

Are your Parents and your their friends... Friends with their Exes?

 

Another thing...

 

Did your Mom invite her old BF over for Thanksgiving Dinner last year?

 

Did your Dad invite his old GF over for the Fourth of July BBQ?

 

Being Friends with an Ex is a joke and temporary at best.

 

Eventually you both meet someone, fall in love, marry. have kids, etc. and neither one of your partners is going to be okay with you two remaining friends.

 

Actually, I have to say, my dad did remain friends with several of his ex girlfriends, and still talks to them to this day. And he is happily married to my mum, who knows these women and also gets on with them. There is no insecurity there.

 

My mum herself did not have a boyfriend before my dad, and my older sister did not have a boyfriend before she met her fiancé.

 

I do see your point, and perhaps it is not good for me to stay friends with him now when my feelings go beyond that. But I do believe being friends with an ex is possible for some people.

 

I'm not sure NC will work out too well, because as I said, he already knew my family and we are both invited to family gatherings a lot. He is invited to my sister's wedding in October, not much chance of avoiding him there.

[Knoxpwns]

Reality check time. Please do not get upset at my responses, it's just having experienced this, and reading everything else happening to everyone else here who had this happen....

 

 

 

said he wasn't sure of his feelings and staying with me while he was so confused wasn't fair to me.

He was sure. It's surprising how often people will act like they don't know what they want, when usually they know exactly what they wan't and don't know how to tell you when it will hurt you.

 

 

He promised he'd do a lot of soul-searching to see if those feelings were truly gone or if they were still there.

Yea, they weren't there anymore, no soul searching needs to be done. If you TRUELY love someone and there is no harmful issues in the relationship, then why the hell would they just need to randomly leave to "figure things out". If you love them, why don't you figure those things out together?

 

The line he fed you is a very typical anger deflection technique. I got it, you got it, and I'm sure its been fed and received by more people than I can count. He is letting you down gently by injecting false hope into you. Doing this is probably even less respectful then just telling them you're done.

 

Several times I tried to back off and give him space to clear his head, but he was always adamant we stay friends.

 

This is the part that hurts me the most. They always offer to "stay friends". the part that hurts the most, to me, is the fact that they don't want to be friends with you. In fact, the only reason they want to keep in touch with you is to see how you're doing. sounds nice of them, right?

 

Very, very wrong. They are checking up and seeing how you are doing, not for the fact that they actually care about how you are doing, but because knowing you are ok makes them feel better about leaving you in the first place. They want to keep you in the picture for themselves. It eases their guilt, while all at the same time making you feel like **** because you are being drug along by a string.

 

You deserve better. Depending how attached you are to the idea of him, you will probably brush off what I say and ignore it. (and thats OK, because I did the same thing when I got advice like this.) either way, I hope the best and if you can make things work for the long haul, then grats on being one of the few who could.

 

 

 

I'm not sure NC will work out too well, because as I said, he already knew my family and we are both invited to family gatherings a lot. He is invited to my sister's wedding in October, not much chance of avoiding him there.

 

Then you need to talk with your family and tell them whats happening, and ask if they can remove him from their life. they NEED to understand that they are YOUR family, and if he is phasing you out then he cannot keep them in his life. If he phased you out, they need to phase him out.

 

Its one thing if you have mutual FRIENDS, I did and I do not get in their way of being friends with my ex. but your FAMILY is a whole different ballpark.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Knoxpwns

[Wings Of Love]

I won't completely disregard what you're saying, because I know that there is a very high possibility that he doesn't care for me any more. But I know him, and I sense that there is something more to this. At 21, he is very young and as his best friend is single (and a womaniser) I'm well aware that he craves that kind of freedom. Said best friend once encouraged him to cheat on me when he was away in Turkey, and while my ex would never have done something like that, I'm pretty sure the temptation was there. I'm 23, a little older than he is, and though I've assured him I don't want to get married or have children for a good few years yet, I'm certain that he was scared of commitment.

 

His feelings may be gone, I honestly don't know for sure. In some ways I'm glad we're apart right now. I've been through a breakup before and while I hit rock bottom then, this time I'm starting to discover my own strength and I've realised that there were issues between him and I that need to be fixed. Going back would be pointless, but I don't believe that means we couldn't have something better. I don't know if there will be a future for us. I will say that I don't feel that this is the end. I had a similar feeling with my last ex, that there was more to come. And I was right, though it didn't work out the way I had hoped. I've yet to see if I'm right this time.

 

I will speak to my family, I know they'll support me if I ask them. And I'm considering just cutting him off instead of dealing with the pain I feel each time he speaks to me. And hey, if I'm always there on the sidelines, he won't know what life is truly like without me, so how could he ever miss me? But I'm not certain about that yet, and in any case I really do need my things back.

 

I'll be going to his workplace tomorrow, as his company sell the bed I'm about to treat myself to. I'm hoping he's working his normal hours, as that means he will be long gone by the time I get there. I really don't want to see or talk to him right now. I love him a great deal, but I don't want to be used.

[iouaname]

I feel like a lot of times the "friends" line is just used when they pity us. Maybe sometimes they genuinely do want us in their lives, but I think for the most part they just want to appear sympathetic.

[flitzanu]

your family would very likely understand that he dumped you and that you don't want him to be invited to family functions. seems silly that you wouldn't tell them this.

 

and as for being friends with exes, yes you can be friends with an ex...but you're not trying to be his friend, you're trying to be his girlfriend. that's why it isn't working.

[Tony T]

"Having the love of your life break up with you and say "we can still be friends" is like having your dog die and your mom say "you can still keep it."

[Wings Of Love]

Well that hurt. Went into his workplace today as previously mentioned, but made sure that I left it until his shift ended. But who should I see while I'm waiting for my new mattress to arrive? Yep, him. He chose today to work overtime. No idea if he even saw me, I turned away and pretended he wasn't there. Can't deny that I felt like I'd been hit by a bus though. :/

 

I heard from him last night. He asked how I was, I told him I was fine and asked how he had been. His response was: "Meh, I'm so-so, but nevermind about that. Been up to much?" So I said: "Ok, if you're sure. Just work, out and about. You?" And he ignored me for the rest of the evening and hasn't said a word today either. Kinda get the impression he wanted me to ask why he was "so-so". But it can't lead to anything good, so I didn't bother. I'm irritated with him though, all this stopping and starting. If he wants to talk he should learn to hold a conversation instead of just vanishing a few texts in. Ugh.

[Blastoplast]

I feel like a lot of times the "friends" line is just used when they pity us. Maybe sometimes they genuinely do want us in their lives, but I think for the most part they just want to appear sympathetic.

 

I think it's a little of both -- especially in long-term relationships I think it's common to have the whole remain friends card played. If you're together for a long time, something was working for it to last that long. It seems a couple who have very compatible personality match will likely want to remain friends, but it's tough because along with losing your lover, you've lost your friend. And after a break-up, even one that's mutual -- it's hard to remain honest and open at friends without some prior feelings of resentment, hostility etc.

[Wings Of Love]

I just don't understand him. He left me because he didn't love me any more. Or so he said. He insisted we stay in touch because he couldn't stand losing me completely, I just agreed. But now something is different.

 

It's little things. For instance, he has been close to my dad from the start, had a very deep respect for him. A few days ago, I went with my parents to my ex boyfriend's workplace to buy myself a new bed. A woman working there had the cheek to treat my dad like dirt, and both my mum and I complained about it on facebook, just to vent. Naturally my ex saw it, and he demanded to know who it was, in which department and to know exactly what she said. But the way he worded it sounded as if he thought I was making it up to be spiteful, as he kept snapping at me. I was shocked, I'd have thought he'd be disgusted that a colleague of his would treat my dad like that. Especially as he told us all countless times how much he despised the people he works with and couldn't wait to get a new job. But no, he appears to be taking the side of his coworker.

 

I have blocked all of his posts, but I don't think he knows this. I have been told however that he and his best friend (who only met me once but always encouraged my ex to leave and be single anyway) have been posting different things that seem to be aimed at me. Yesterday, my ex posted a photo saying: "Listen, Smile, Agree. And then do whatever the f*** you were gonna do anyway." This reminded me forcibly of the day we split up. He listened to me as I told him I understood how difficult I could be and how I would make an effort to be more laid back. He smiled and agreed as I told him of my plans to stop my emotions from overwhelming me. And then he just broke up with me anyway. His best friend tagged him in a post with the words: "I'm not saying I hate her, I just hope she gets f******* by Wolverine." Both he and my ex had a good laugh over that one. And now he's posting things like "You can just f*** off imo."

 

Also, he has started untagging a few photos of us on facebook. Most notably one my mum took of us on our 1st anniversary, just 8 days before we split up. Others are still there, but this stung quite a bit. And last of all, when I told him recently that I was finally getting an ID card (I never bothered before as I'm not a drinker and didn't see any point) his only response was "Well you could do with getting an identity", which just sounded really insulting to me.

 

He has no reason to hate me, at least not that I can think of. He is the one who threw everything between us away. If anything, I should hate him. But once again, I'm the one getting hurt because I still love a man who seems to have become someone totally different since leaving me. Same happened with my last ex. I think there must be something wrong with me, as they start out as really sweet guys, they leave me and then they turn into complete monsters.

[Wings Of Love]

Oh, I forgot to add something. As mentioned, our anniversary was on the 4th of July, just 8 days before he left me. He had known for some weeks prior what my gift to him was. I got him a set of Water Dancing Speakers, where the water inside dances in time to the beat of the music. He loved them, couldn't wait to get them.

 

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he only stayed with me to get those speakers. I would never have believed it of him, but this stranger he is becoming definitely seems the type.

 

For the last few weeks before our anniversary I had sensed something was wrong, but each time I asked he made me feel stupid and told me I was paranoid. And when we did split up, he told me he had only been having doubts since our anniversary. On the 8th of July I apologised to him for being a little overemotional, that I just loved him a lot and it was a bit overwhelming at times. He sat me down that day, looked me in the eyes and promised me that he loved me with all his heart, that I was worth it and he would never go anywhere. He left me on the 12th.

 

He may be confused, I don't know. Although I get the feeling he's angry with me and hates me right now, there are also days when he'll text me out of the blue, just to check how I'm doing. So none of this makes sense to me. I'm just lost.

[mammasita]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but after this:

 

I just don't understand him. He left me because he didn't love me any more.

 

the rest of your post is irrelevant

 

He left you, so who really cares if he hates you or not. My ex left me, I could care less how he feels about me now. You're wasting WAY TOO MUCH energy on this.

 

Un friend him and block him. Problem solved.

[Philosoraptor]

Sweetie, he had been thinking about ending things for awhile and is keeping in contact to ease his guilt. Did he wait to break up to get his gift? Maybe. Should it matter to you now? No.

 

Other than more pain, what else are you gaining by staying in contact with him? He seems intent on "winning" the breakup by taking obvious cheap shots at you. Not only should you continue to not respond to them, but you should delete/block him on facebook, block his number, and block any other way he can contact you. Why should you suffer more over a decision he made?

 

If you do block him, don't be surprised if he makes a comment like "well now that you deleted me on facebook we can never get back together" or "I see I never meant anything to you". It's just his way to place the blame on you and take the role of the victim for a choice he made himself. Do not let him continue to play your emotions. Take control of yourself and put yourself first. He will continue to degrade you the longer you let him continue in your life.

[Wings Of Love]

Sweetie, he had been thinking about ending things for awhile and is keeping in contact to ease his guilt. Did he wait to break up to get his gift? Maybe. Should it matter to you now? No.

 

Other than more pain, what else are you gaining by staying in contact with him? He seems intent on "winning" the breakup by taking obvious cheap shots at you. Not only should you continue to not respond to them, but you should delete/block him on facebook, block his number, and block any other way he can contact you. Why should you suffer more over a decision he made?

 

If you do block him, don't be surprised if he makes a comment like "well now that you deleted me on facebook we can never get back together" or "I see I never meant anything to you". It's just his way to place the blame on you and take the role of the victim for a choice he made himself. Do not let him continue to play your emotions. Take control of yourself and put yourself first. He will continue to degrade you the longer you let him continue in your life.

 

I know you're right of course. I'm scared though, I don't want to accept that it's over and once again I wasted a year on someone who doesn't care about me. And even if he does care, I really don't think he'd fight for me. I think he has too much pride, and with his best friend forever encouraging him to get out and have fun with as many girls as possible, I don't see why he'd bother with me again.

 

But this brings me back to my original problem; I have to contact him to get my things back, but if I'm right about him hating me, he may have binned it all. In which case I expect him to pay for the things I left there, as they were expensive and important, and he knew I would need them back eventually.

[Zahara]

You said those things were replaceable. Let it go. It's just things. Start NC and begin your healing and stop using this as an excuse to keep stalling you from moving forward.

[Wings Of Love]

You said those things were replaceable. Let it go. It's just things. Start NC and begin your healing and stop using this as an excuse to keep stalling you from moving forward.

 

Excuse me? At what point did I say these things were replaceable? Sure I can buy the same things again, but they were expensive and they have sentimental value. So no, they aren't exactly replaceable. It's not an excuse, I'm not even going to ask for him to deliver them to me, merely to hand them over to family members for me to collect.