Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Hi, using this partly to vent, and partly for a second opinion. Going through a break up right now. I'm a guy in his late twenties, and my ex is of a similar age. We had what I thought was a strong relationship, as in we both really wanted it to work, never had a great deal of conflict, meshed incredibly well together. The relationship lasted a year after a four year build up (due to life circumstances). Unfortunately the relationship was forced to be long distance for the short term, but this situation was very close to being over. Anyway, she did the dirty on me, got drunk on a night out and cheated... I had my suspicions that she could do this (similar issues in her past) but I thought the fact that she wanted me so much and for so long, she'd grow up and treat me how I treated her. I have never treated any girl this well, and it came easy, we were best friends as well as lovers. At this point, I thought it was over. I didn't contact her, I saw my friends, tried to get over it. Of course this drove her insane and she asked if I could forgive her. I said it would take time and shed need to prove herself to me with her actions and not her words. She said she could give me time. So fast forward a month or so...she hasn't proven anything to me. After saying how I was "amazing" and how much she "misses me" she's seems to have lost interest. She's "going through a rough time with work related stress and isn't in the right headspace right now". She keeps saying this week after week, and I want to give her the space, but its just so difficult. I honestly think there's another guy on the scene even though she hasn't admitted it. Why won't she just tell me it's over and be brave? And if that's what she wanted, why did she try to get me back on board? There's so much more to the story that I may post later, it's getting ridiculous. She thinks this is all due to her parents relationship issues....sounds like BS to me. I really wish I'd have stuck to my guns in the first place, I seem to have given her the upper hand in a game I don't want to play. How do I get her to be honest? I want her back, but after all of this it doesn't look good. I'd be the fool she's playing me for. Help? Do I just give her space? Do I burn bridges? She's stringing me along, something has to change.
Mcnulty Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Can you get past the cheating? If she isn't being forthcoming and remains distant, cut your losses and run mate. The ball's in her court, she has to make it up, not you, if she isn't doing that, set yourself a time limit...if she doesn't start fixing her mess, walk.
Author Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 I'm not sure I could get past the cheating, I'm not even looking to "go back to the way things were" but I'm prepared to have a go... I don't feel as though I'll know until I'm in that position. Yeah the ball should be in her court you're dead on there... Do I leave her alone with her thoughts for a while? Go on a period of no/limited contact?
Mcnulty Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Yes, definitely disappear for now, leave her to get her **** together...or not!
Author Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 Thanks for your help mate. One more thing...she keeps saying how she wants everything to go back to how it was, but she's ruined it... Are these just meaningless words? Why wouldn't she do something about it if she wanted things back so badly? So confused, never expected to be in this situation.
Author Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 OK. Quick update. So it has now been a whole 24 hours without contact and she is begging me to talk to her (via text) In my last message I was rather disgruntled and exasperated. Do I continue to go no contact until she says something meaningful? Im guessing the answer is yes.
Mcnulty Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Talk to her, don't ignore her. Tell her what you want, if she isn't giving the right answers, then go NC.
Author Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Well I text her back, and she replied all cold and distant. I can't believe everything has come down to these silly games. I told her not to contact me anymore until I felt ready to talk again. She then came to the conclusion that I must have someone else... Still hasn't given me an answer to me asking her if there was someone else in the picture. This is the girl I loved, but I don't know her anymore.
Techno Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I'd say go NC again. She isn't answering your question and assuming things. Also, keep balancing if its worth forgiving vs moving on. She might not be worth it as there has been past similar issues with her you said. Stay strong and keep yourself busy!
NomiMalone Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 She has cheated on you, hurt you and won't be open and honest with you. The cheating alone is already unacceptable. I think in time, you'll realise you're better off on your own. You deserve much, much better.
lylat333 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Really sorry to hear about your situation. If I were in your situation I would keep communication open in the meantime, imo going NC will leave you both confused and possibly create more problems. But, also if it were me I don't think this is something I would intend on working past. Considering you treated her so well and took the time to build up such a strong friendship, you will probably always feel resentful that this has happened, even if she does everything she can to try and regain your trust. Again, I'm really sorry to hear about this... but I think you will save yourself so much heartache if you allow yourself to let this go, even if you have nothing to fall back on. People make mistakes, but when you truly love someone you don't make a mistake like that. Whatever you decide to do, stand your ground. There is absolutely no reason she should make you feel like you're on the defensive, no matter what excuses she may have. Edited August 20, 2013 by lylat333
Mcnulty Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 End the games now. It's time to walk away mate, you know it deep down, but your heart is telling you otherwise.
Author Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) She went a bit crazy after I told her not to contact me. I didn't respond last night and most of today, but in the barrage of texts I did learn there wasn't anyone else and she said she did hope to work things out. We did a bit of texting back and forth for a while but nothing since. She says she's having a rough time of it, and didn't realise she was being cold and distant. But surely she knew she was avoiding my questions? Lol. Of course, now I've spoken to her, she won't be "missing me so much" like she was when she thought I'd gone. Apparently she's scared she will lose me, so why risk it? I must admit, I'm starting to feel rather detached now. This has definitely reduced my likelihood of behaving like her puppet on a string. There's absolutely no way I'd choose to be with someone who I wasn't certain was 100% into it. Right now she isn't even close. Edited August 20, 2013 by Guidedbyv0ices 1
Author Guidedbyv0ices Posted August 25, 2013 Author Posted August 25, 2013 So she now "loves me" and wants to treat me with the respect I deserve. Crazy thing is, I wasn't doing any of the NC or LC tactics when she said this, in fact no tactics at all, just asking her what she wanted from me.... After 3 months of struggling, if I'm honest, I'm not sure what to do
jesse93 Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 when someone cheats on you, it's very hard to forgive that person.. even if you felt you have forgiven her, you still might have some pain left over knowing she could do it again, you can't change someone unless they truly want to change, and it honestly doesn't seem like she cares to change I think if you put yourself in the position where you try again with her you will end up hurt once again, until she has proven to you she wants to change and she has changed then that is when I would try again, but until then I wouldn't feed into her "I love yous" and such seems like she is trying to make you weak she is trying to reel you in, tell her you have no trust for her right now, tell her how do you know she won't go off and do it again? best of luck to you man.
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