along60years Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I have been struggling a bit the past few days and am wondering what everyone's opinion is. I have not spoken to my ex in maybe 2 months and the last time I saw him was New Nears'. I wonder, do they always remember us for the reasons they left? Does that image they build up of us to give themselves courage to leave stick or do they also remember why they loved us and why they were there for so long? Having no contact, no Facebook, and no mutual friends there is no way for my ex to know who and where I am now. I have changed a lot. Improvements I think, but he will never know and that hurts a lot because I believe some of the ways I have grown would have made a difference for us. I don't want to be the girl he didn't love when he thinks back about us forever. Also, do they ever come back without knowing where we are in our lives? I mean... would you want to risk that with someone you did, and likely still do, care about when you don't know if they are single, happy, etc. After all, we are strangers now, it is all history, memories. That seems like an incredibly selfish thing to do, just come waltzing back in their life after you have done something like that to someone you loved. I'd think if you found you truly did love someone after leaving them, you would stay away because you'd want them to be happy. It seems like only a person solely concerned about themselves could come back and ask to be let back into someone's heart after they burned it to the ground. I feel like I didn't fight hard enough. How is he supposed to know who I am now, if I've disappeared? I miss him a lot. I wish I believed in God, or fate, or something so I could convince myself that there is a plan, that things happen for a reason, but all I feel is forgotten. Part of me thinks I should be thinking positively about it, power of positive thinking, but the other part of me says I should tell myself the worst and try not to think about it. I hate feeling like my existence, my part in his life while we were together has all been forgotten. That what we were no longer carries any meaning for him.
keepontruckin Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Once they check out, they typically don't care anymore. At least that's what I've found... A good example of this is when I stupidly furnished my wife's apartment after she had left. Some of the items were handed down to me from my deceased Grandmother, so I made it clear that if she no longer wanted them, or wanted to replace them, to call me and I will pick these items back up. In the course of furnishing her apartment, some of these items were already replaced and in the dumpster. She couldn't care less when questioned about this. She was stone cold cold:laugh: Shortly thereafter I went there and got back my bed, my couch and my table. At that point I realized she can eat and sleep on the damned floor, or buy her own crap. I'm not having my items like that just thrown out. She was lucky I left her with thousands of dollars worth of other household items. She didn't care at all. Just completely distant. Like someone I didn't even know. Now, do they ever come back? Some do. However, you have to question if you really want someone that left you back into your life. Unless some dynamics have changed, you'll probably just be their plan B if they ever return. And since I was spending weeks furnishing her apartment, I had the time and opportunity to change what I thought was wrong, and do more of what I thought was right. And I was there physically in person to show this. It made no difference. So, I now know that having that opportunity to "show them" is really just a waste of time. They essentially think nothing of you, do not respect you or your things, and they essentially exist as something foreign except in physical appearance. 2
Xiphias92 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) I have been struggling a bit the past few days and am wondering what everyone's opinion is. I have not spoken to my ex in maybe 2 months and the last time I saw him was New Years'. I wonder, do they always remember us for the reasons they left? Does that image they build up of us to give themselves courage to leave stick or do they also remember why they loved us and why they were there for so long? Having no contact, no Facebook, and no mutual friends there is no way for my ex to know who and where I am now. I have changed a lot. Improvements I think, but he will never know and that hurts a lot because I believe some of the ways I have grown would have made a difference for us. I don't want to be the girl he didn't love when he thinks back about us forever. Also, do they ever come back without knowing where we are in our lives? I mean... would you want to risk that with someone you did, and likely still do, care about when you don't know if they are single, happy, etc. After all, we are strangers now, it is all history, memories. That seems like an incredibly selfish thing to do, just come waltzing back in their life after you have done something like that to someone you loved. I'd think if you found you truly did love someone after leaving them, you would stay away because you'd want them to be happy. It seems like only a person solely concerned about themselves could come back and ask to be let back into someone's heart after they burned it to the ground. I feel like I didn't fight hard enough. How is he supposed to know who I am now, if I've disappeared? I miss him a lot. I wish I believed in God, or fate, or something so I could convince myself that there is a plan, that things happen for a reason, but all I feel is forgotten. Part of me thinks I should be thinking positively about it, power of positive thinking, but the other part of me says I should tell myself the worst and try not to think about it. I hate feeling like my existence, my part in his life while we were together has all been forgotten. That what we were no longer carries any meaning for him. Sometimes they come back out of curiosity or an ego boost. My ex came back five months later after she dumped me by adding me on Facebook. She didn't ask me at all how I was or what I have been up to. She just asked if I was seeing a specific someone. Seems like she kept a tab on me even though I never told her nor does that someone - now my girlfriend - know about her, quite creepy). Keep in mind though - I stuck to no contact, deleted ALL mutual friends plus her phone number right after the breakup. When I did tell her "Yeah I am, what's it to you?".... Man did she just go blasting off talking trash about me and my girlfriend. She got engaged to the guy she cheated/dumped me for on month after the breakup and pregnant just 4 months after. To top it off she tried adding me and my girlfriend with fake Facebook accounts. I knew it was her because the wording gave it away. I'm pretty sure she just did that to feel better about herself and/or be justified about the breakup. Or could be the relationship went bad. Doesn't matter anyways. Whenever a breakup occurs, the reason(s) of the breakup usually override all the happy moments that have happened in the relationship almost instantly. In time, the reasons can wear off. But if it involves lying, cheating, affairs/adultery...then that puts the final nail in the coffin. Someone like this is an example of not wanting back in your life. Keepontruckin has a point, they really don't care at all when they come back. But yes, if they change (we're talking a full 360 here) then they have to start from the bottom. In most cases, a break up gives the dumpee advantage to start new or do different things from the previous relationship into the new one - without carrying (or trying to) anything over. Don't ever tell them you have changed/improved/progressed. Let them find that about you. Edited August 20, 2013 by Xiphias92
Hoax Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I don't think they actually remember the reasons why they left, they just remember how you made them feel. Which obviously wasn't good in the end. 1
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 As time passes we may remember some good things about the person but in reality there's more bad than good and that is what keeps us moving on.
NomiMalone Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 This is a hard question to answer! Only time will reveal how we remember our former loves. What I can say for sure though is that how someone conducts themselves in a breakup says a lot about their true character. My first boyfriend broke up with me in a horrible cowardly way, which has soured my memories of him. My most recent former love was never a vindictive, mean or manipulative person, and had a heart of gold. Despite the things he did that hurt me (he had an array of mental health issues and most often times couldn't control or understand his own actions or others' emotions), I think I'll remember him by his many good qualities.
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