Hoping with all my heart that he will return

[Kimmie80]

This may sound silly, but I was seeing a guy for 2 months. He came out and serviced my house and instantly had an attraction to me. From day 1, we communicated all day long, and even in the middle of the night when he couldnt sleep. Due to some issues I was having, just coming out of a 15 year relationship, I started to slowly back away. I told him I was not in the position to do all the things he wanted to at that time; hang out more, go to the movies, the beach, dinners ect. He kind of made me feel bad by saying how his life sucks right now and he doesnt give a sh** anymore cause he always seems to get the shaft. I stayed. I really liked him. Well the end of June was the last time we saw each other. We went further than we ever had, and due to my insecurities and low self-esteem, I blew it. We talked a few times that night after our last time together. It was great. But I did not hear back from him for 2 days. I jumped to conclusions and wrote him 2 nasty emails, basically bashing him. I told him he wasnt talking to me because he didnt get to go all the way or that he either didnt like what he saw. Trust me, they were nasty ones My heart and soul was was in this to the max and I panicked. I became scared. It turns out his phone and internet services were disconnected to due non payment. This I know, because AFTER I sent the emails I tried to call him. We talked 3 days later and he couldnt believe how I felt and how I truly looked at him. He said he was hurt. I sent 4 emails, very long ones, deeply expressing my sincere apology and why I reacted that way. Not that there is any excuse at all He knows that I was cheated on 3 years ago when I was pregnant. My common law had a 6 month affair. His last words to me was "I do forgive, but everything happens for a reason. Im sure our paths will cross again". I never responded back. Its been 31 days I am so hurt and this guilt feeling that I have is destroying me. If I didnt react the way I did, we would be fine. My question is, has anyone out there had something similar happen to them? I know some people come back, but they are more the exs who have years behind them; lots of memories, ect. We only had 2 months. However, they were a great 2 months

[salparadise]

Kimmie, it's impossible to predict whether he'll come back or not. He's certainly injured and deeply disappointed. The illusion we create when in a new romantic relationship, that of everything being whole and perfect, was shattered for him. I think you need to shift your focus to the nature of the attachment, your current emotional wellbeing, and why you reacted in that way. You said that you've had issues related to coming off the 15 year relationship and having been cheated on. How long ago was that? Have you taken the time and embraced the process of grief and healing? My suggestion is to focus on preparing yourself to be in a healthy, loving relationship in the future, whether it's with him or someone else. Sending those kinds of messages almost certainly means that you have a lot of fear and pain below the surface that you need to heal. If that's the case, a good therapist can seem like a miracle worker. Suggest you give that a try. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[Kimmie80]

My common law had the affair in 2009. I was pregnant with our daughter. Honestly, it has never been the same since. I have been staying with him for our children. THe spark has been gone for a very long time now. I have fallen into a 'routine'. I love him, always will, but I am now learning that I am not in love. I would have never fallen for this new guy so fast and hard. It felt amazing to have the butterflies that I have not had for years. The excitement. It was all new. My ex and I were together for 15 years. We were 17. Had our first child at 18. I have been a mom/wife for so long. Now, at 33, I feel like I have missed out on so much. I love my children more than anything, but in the relationship part, I have missed out. So when I met this new guy, it felt wonderful. It filled the void that I was missing for a long time.

[salparadise]

You said you were coming off of a 15 year relationship, but in fact you were then, and still are living with him? And when you said "seeing" a new guy, the actuality is that it was an exit affair, correct? Or did you end your 15 year relationship officially even though you continue to live with him? Was it out in the open or clandestine?

 

Either way, you've got serious work to do. You can't hop from a 15 year "marriage" with kids into an affair with the handyman and expect it to evolve into a healthy relationship. You need to make the break, live on your own for a year or three, grieve and heal, and then prepare yourself. This is the first chapter of Relationship 101. The thing with the new guy never had a chance. Counseling will do you a world of good.

[Kimmie80]

My marriage was over the day he cheated. Back in 2009. We were never the same since. We still live together, in hopes that one day we can get back to where we were. But that has yet to happen. We are both miserable and its more like being roommates. Neither of us can afford to live on our own right now, as I am just finishing full time University. We know things have to change with our living situation, we are just waiting for the right time. And yes, he did know about the other guy. There were no secrets there. His affair and my interest for this guy were both eye openers for both of us. We both realized that the "happy lucky couple" was just an act, a show, for the outside world. Everyone has pushed us to stay together because of the kids. My parents are huge on that. They didnt care that he had an affair. They brought me up teaching me that no matter what happens, you ALWAYS stay with the father of your children. Wether you love him or not. So for the last 4 years I have detached myself from him; probably because of the pain from the affair. I have been living a lie to everyone around us. Smiling and acting like I have the perfect relationship, when deep down, I am lonely, hurt and sad. When this guy came around, I got to experience what it was like to have feelings again. It was the start of a new chapter. And even though he walked, I have reached the point where I want a change. I do not want to keep living the life that I have been living since 2009. I will be seeing a counsellor for the first time this week. I need to get stuff sorted out and get my self back on track.

[salparadise]

Well, it seems as if you're aware of what's going on in one sense, but perhaps not quite understanding the impact and how important it is to make the necessary changes. Staying and trying to maintain appearances, looking for new liaisons as diversions or escapes isn't going to work. You need to do a major reset and commit to living authentically and being true to yourself. You will be so much happier when you're actually living your life on your own terms rather than pretending to live to appease everyone else. It's time to summon up your courage and make bold moves. I'm glad you are starting counseling this week. It sounds like you're ready to build a new life full of joy optimism. Let us know how it's going. Best of luck to you!