Axee Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Has anyone been in a situation whereas the girl thinks this is exclusive and gets emotionally attached to the guy...(because the guys showed signs of being so , phone calls meetings etc) But after some months on being asked by girl about exclusivity, the guy says the girl is free to date other guys "for now" until he gets more sure of himself .On being asked what will make him sure ? he says "probably more time spent with you"All the while he is consistent in meeting, responding and calling her . Girl is now feeling foolish for considering this exclusive whereas the guy never thought they were. She is contemplating to 1.downgrade the exclusivity 2.Break it off completely with no return. 3.Tell him to cut contact and come back when he is more sure. Please advice . This is very important.
Author Axee Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 I would like to add that the girl is now facing major trust issues and it pains her no end when she sees his online profile active. She is unable to decide what is the best course of action..
madjac74 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I suppose you would go with option 1 since he is being open about his feelings and isnt ready commit yet but also does not expect you not to date other people. There are a great deal of people who are seeing someone who isn't ready to commit but also doesn't want the other person to see anyone else while they are making up their mind. I think you should go out with other people and not be so readily available when this guy calls or wants to meet and see if that helps make himself more sure 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Out of the millions of examples and threads people still not being able to tell when they're being strung along? geez 1.downgrade the exclusivity The guy never agreed to be exclusive in the first place from the sound of it, so it doesn't sound like you are taking back anything...lot of women out there just like to "assume" things with guys...well go ahead, it might just bite you in the @ss time to time...but don't worry, that one time you're "right" makes it ok! 2.Break it off completely with no return. That's the only obvious move with one who has self-respect and standards....which obviously is not usually the case for many. To be fair, this was an assumption and emotional attachment done by one side, she never communicated or made it clear what her intentions/feelings or expectations were, so he's partially in the right saying he owes her nothing essentially in return for that since she did nothing to communicate this process and make it more transparent to ensure they were both on the same page...but on the same hand this is something many guys prefer as women are so scared to scare men away that they just be quiet and go along for the ride...which is great for men who were never that interested in the first place but still wanted a piece of her. 3.Tell him to cut contact and come back when he is more sure. This is the most laughable option...there is no more "sure" that the guy can get, he's already made up his mind, he already knew this wasn't going anywhere and he already knows it won't in the future...he was pressed for an answer so he just gave some random response that sounds good...If you think about it though it doesn't even make sense, what is he going to know in the future that he doesn't know now? but then again it's not about asking smart questions....it's about settling for very vague and weak responses so that you can convince yourself that it's actually true. Women do this all the time and it never works...sometimes the side-effect is the guy doesn't have any other options so he comes crawling back. 7
Mascara Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 You're talking like you have no control in this situation. You do. You can be the one who decides - by saying that you don't date/sleep around, so good luck to him but you're off. Don't give him an ultimatum. Don't discuss it any more. Just walk. If he doesn't come after you, he was never yours. But don't do it with the aim of getting him to chase after you. Do it knowing that you're prepared for it to end. 7
hoping2heal Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Has anyone been in a situation whereas the girl thinks this is exclusive and gets emotionally attached to the guy...(because the guys showed signs of being so , phone calls meetings etc) But after some months on being asked by girl about exclusivity, the guy says the girl is free to date other guys "for now" until he gets more sure of himself .On being asked what will make him sure ? he says "probably more time spent with you"All the while he is consistent in meeting, responding and calling her . Girl is now feeling foolish for considering this exclusive whereas the guy never thought they were. She is contemplating to 1.downgrade the exclusivity 2.Break it off completely with no return. 3.Tell him to cut contact and come back when he is more sure. Please advice . This is very important. Assumptions are useless. If something like exclusivity was important to said girl she should have had the talk earlier on to ensure they were both on the same page. Breaking it off with the guy because he's not really isn't fair to him.
RedRobin Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Hmmm... well, in this day and age, it isn't safe to assume anything. Don't feel bad about feeling 'foolish'. I think it is something just about everyone does once... until they realize that the word 'exclusive' means something different to just about everyone these days. My opinion? don't waste one more minute with someone who doesn't care enough to share their feelings/thoughts with you and also give you some idea what the ground rules and expectations are up front. Takes two to tango. Yes, you should have asked. But he should have volunteered too. Dump him. ASAP. 1
Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I was in a similar situation earlier this year; I assumed we were exclusive BECAUSE he voluntarily told me on three separate occasions that he only dates one woman at a time. Eventually, he said, "I can tell you are wanting to take the relationship to the next level to become exclusive, but I'm just not ready for that because I'm still enjoying dating other women." Ninja hit it on the head. Just move on, no explanations necessary. 3
Divasu Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Has anyone been in a situation whereas the girl thinks this is exclusive and gets emotionally attached to the guy...(because the guys showed signs of being so , phone calls meetings etc) But after some months on being asked by girl about exclusivity, the guy says the girl is free to date other guys "for now" until he gets more sure of himself .On being asked what will make him sure ? he says "probably more time spent with you"All the while he is consistent in meeting, responding and calling her . Girl is now feeling foolish for considering this exclusive whereas the guy never thought they were. She is contemplating to 1.downgrade the exclusivity 2.Break it off completely with no return. 3.Tell him to cut contact and come back when he is more sure. Please advice . This is very important. More time spent with you, huh? How would he have the time if he's spending time with other ladies too. 1
Author Axee Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 (edited) As per him, being exclusive is equivalent to commitment and eventually marriage, so he wants to be really sure of it.. And letting the girl date other guys "is the right thing to do since he isnt able to promise commitment right now ". He is trying to see if his "feelings change about commitment to you" Edited August 19, 2013 by Axee
Author Axee Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 This sounds to me like a very win-win situation for a guy who isnt sure about the girl.. If he does change his mind, he can always say "Now I am sure about you" . In case he doesnt and finds someone else and the girl protests he says " I have told you earlier itself that I wasnt sure about commitment" This is just sh*t . 1
Treasa Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 It's not win-win for the guy if the girl doesn't get dependent on him for her love or happiness. I'm rather blunt. I'd ask somewhat early on if we were dating just each other, and if the answer was yes, cool, I'll stop seeing other guys, and if the answer is no, I'll keep seeing other guys. I don't know. Being the girl in that scenario feels win-win to me. I read your last thread. He's not into you, sweetie. Move on. Stop calling this guy at the very least. You're doing all the chasing, and that isn't attractive. 2
Author Axee Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Hi All, I am back with my updates: Initially I gave him time and he too upped up his initiative taking behaviour, I though we are going in the right direction he started calling more, we went on a one day trip.. So nowadays , he has been having lots of problems with his family.. lots of fights .. I pestered him to meet up and msged him once "So how long will this low priority will continue?" For that out of the blue he messaged "Sorry you carry on, I have tremendous pressure at work and family and that is my focus right now, I cannot be indulgent , I have no intention of hurting your feelings but right now my priority is different.. Hope you dont feel bad " Next msg "Please understand " I replied saying sorry I was in bad mood, and asked him to call, he called me... and we spoke general stuff, I asked why did you say "U carry on" what did you mean by that .. He said this has gone long enough without any decision and looks like its going nowhere .. and he wants to take the matter to a conclusion..He said he thinks I am a "gem of a person" but somehow he is not able to get committed.. I said he is the one not taking a decision about us.. and told him wearing my heart on his sleeve that I am in love with him and he needs to take a strong decision either "yes" or "no" not the in between lets think .. he said I will call you tomorrow and talk about it.. I already knew the answer and said "say whatever you want to say and please be honest " Today : A text arrives .. "I thought about it and have high regards for you but somehow feel that things will not work out ,sorry about that...." Thats it . End of story.. All moments all jokes, all words , everything evaporates ... I didnt reply.. Hearts of hearts I had this in my mind.. and knew what everyone was saying but even then I chose to ignore it knowingly because I wanted to take my chances I am now heart broken and feel crushed ..I will move on but the hurt of this experience remains... How do I remove this baggage.. Time is the best healer.. Just wanted to update in case someone reads this ... Thank you all for your kind words..
NoMoreJerks Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I'd just end it, if it's been quite a long time (what's the time frame we're talking about here?) -- like, if it's been longer than 2-3 months, and the guy still isn't sure about exclusivity, then sorry, but we might be 1) looking for different things; 2) not compatible. I don't want to end up feeling like an escort. If a guy is not sure at that point in time about me after all the time we've spent together, then it's time for me to stop wasting my time and move on to someone who WILL be sure about me and appreciate me rather than leave me hanging like that, until he is "ready" for it. I think 3 months is a reasonable time frame. If he's not sure about you yet at that point, I don't think he's going to be sure about it any time soon, if ever. I wouldn't tell him to come back when he is sure. I won't be waiting for him to make up his mind.
Author Axee Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks guys, please read my update.. Its all over..
Phantom888 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I have news for you: No guy would let a girl he is going to get serious with 'date' other guys. You can frame this, if you wish. It's that certain. This is absolutely true. If a guy says he is unsure or he needs more time, that means he doesn't consider you as the one for him, yet he would hold onto you so that he has a safety net in case he gets lonely. He will keep holding onto you until he finds someone that he wants, then you will be left alone. There are plenty of selfish men like this. Take this as a lesson. Sorry. 1
jcrew11 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I would ask what is your age and how long have you been dating? One, he might not like you enough to one day marry you, or he might not think you would be a competent wife or mother. Two, he is just not ready to commit to you and wants to keep his options open and see if there are better girls out there. It sucks getting your heart broken, but You should want to be with someone who loves you equally, and is not half-hearted in his decision. You either break up now, or break up in six months. Just don't prolong it and find someone who really wants to be with you.
Leigh 87 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Congrats for ending it..... Most women would stay, in the hope that the guy they are into will somehow " change their mind" and suddenly fall head over heals for them (if only they were to see the girls " best" personality:rolleyes: ) Please don't be like MOST women, who tend to put up with a guy who is lukewarm about them just because they want to hold onto a guy THEY really like. Please do not settle for less than a guy who is crazy about you and has NO doubt about whether or not he wants to be with you. 1
Author Axee Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks guys for your kind words.. I am seriously tired right now.. Just thinking over and over what is the actual reason.. Commitment phobia? Or Something wrong with me... I used to be a bit pushy about meeting him ( He felt it pushy ) I didnt ( Weekly once was my "demand") ...I guess I was a bit impatient as well.. Guess next time I should cut down my expectations.. I agree with you Leigh87, I need to stop giving attention to men who have doubts about me...I guess such cases never work out..
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