Tricia13 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Just asking for some insight into this situation as I'm quite confused. I had been dating this guy for some time. He has a young child and has been divorced from his ex for two years (it was a 10 year relationship). It is my understanding that he suffered with depression for the first year of the separation, and this is the first intimate relationship he has had since then. When we met I made it very clear that I wanted a relationship. He said he wanted the same. He was smitten with me straight away, and rushed things. Though I was hesitant, I went with it and we ended up sleeping together sooner than I'd have liked. He seemed ok with it, but I felt we didn't know enough about each other so we decided to hold off on the sex, take it slowly and get to know each other a little better. Fast forward many months to where we are now, and we were back to sleeping together. The sex is good, we get on really well, talk everyday, have shared interests etc...but I feel I am basically a glorified '**** buddy'. I don't know much about his "other" life, including the time he spends with his daughter and ex, family/friends etc. I can't stay happy like this. We don't go out often, and when we do meet 99% of the time it will be at his house. I have spoken to him, and he was trying, but not hard enough and as the months have progressed my complaints have become louder. I know now he has strong feelings for me, but I feel actions speak louder than words and he is just not ready for what I want - though he says he is. On Friday we were supposed to meet at a bar. It was closed and late so we went back to his house as usual. We slept together and afterwards we began arguing mainly about the status of our relationship. He claimed that I was the one who agreed/wanted to it being more casual, and that I then "changed my mind". He also called me "cold", said that I push him away, and said he feels like we take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back and that is why the relationship is not progressing (I think that is an excuse). I said I had never been in a relationship like this since I was a teenager, and questioned why I was even there with him at that moment. He told me I know where the door is. I asked for a hug to clear the air and he said no he was annoyed and wanted to calm down. I asked again he said no. So I got my things together and left while he stayed in the bedroom. He didn't attempt to speak to me (I could hear him sighing), and I didn't say goodbye. Since then we haven't spoken at all, his phone is off and he has disappeared from all social networking etc. he has never done this before in the time I've known him. Isn't that a lot of effort to go to get away from a single person? I know no one can read his mind, but why do you think he has done this?
Love2326 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Tricia, Wow this sounds a lot like what is happening to me. My first relationship after my divorce, met a guy who threw himself at me, I fell into it, I felt like a sex buddy too. I complained and we did take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. It was frustrating. This past week he deleted all pictures of me from his FB and now he dropped off the earth. I won't text him or call him because the ball is in his court. This must be a guy thing. I can only assume that this means he needs space, probably the same thing for your guy. Give it to him. You cannot force what isn't there. Leave him alone, give him his space. Its hard to go from an intense relationship to nothing at all (NC) but that's what has to happen if he will ever realize what you're worth. I am going through the same thing and I struggle with it on a daily basis because I miss him, but I know that he needs his space. Actually, I need space too because I need to reevaluate what went wrong. Use this time to think about things, figure out what is it about him that you like, that you don't like, etc. Leave it up to fate to determine if you two are meant to be together. Personally, I am realizing that I need someone who can put me in first place. With the guy I was with, I was second... or third. To his daughter and her mother. I dont have a problem with his daughter (she's actually really cute), but I think at this point in my life, I really need to be first priority to someone. He simply couldn't make me first priority. Think about things and let him go. If you want to get him back, that's seriously the best thing to do. Pushing him by calling/texting, will only drive him away.
all_cats_rgray Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Sounds like your settling for the breadcrumbs of a broken man. I'v done the same so don't beat yourself up. If you demand more from this relationship he will run. And guess what he did. You made it easy for him, he could have easy sex with out the commitment and emotional investment of working on a relationship. BTW you have the right and demand of expecting more. He wasn't even there to begin with. You wonder why it was so easy for him to disappear, because he wasn't even there. I know this sounds all harsh and all. Its happened to me to everyone. People pulling the wool over your eyes. You say "With the guy I was with, I was second... or third. To his daughter and her mother." YOU DESERVE someone that will not **** off like a fart in the wind. btw, what a dick. He sounds like he's rebounding. <3 you will do BETTER. Someone that treats you amazing, and loves you. I believe this.
Author Tricia13 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 Thank you both so much for your replies. It wasn't really what I wanted to hear, but I believe it is the truth. I demanded more so he used it as a get out card. Love2326 - It is spooky how our situations are so similar, you were speaking my mind when you said you felt second or third to the child and the mother. I felt the same. I know he was trying, but in reality I will always be third best no matter what happens, and I guess I can't live with him not really caring as much as I do. I agree with you both. I will give him space and let it go. If I never hear from him again, I guess it wasn't really meant to be.
Love2326 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Tricia, Yes our situations sound very similar. You MUST give him his space. He needs the time to realize what you are worth. And you need the time to think about whether he is a good match for you. Trust me, it's the hardest thing to do, but it will be worth it in the long run. Here are a few phrases I try to live by, which may help you: -You'll know when a relationship is right for you. It will enhance your life, not complicate your life. -If it causes you more pain than happiness, LET GO. -Don't be afraid to start over. It's a new chance to rebuild what you want. -Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn't live without? Well, look at you, living and sh*t! -Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest.
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