GrownCold Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Hi everybody! This one is my first post in this forum. Hope there'll be some good feedback, since I feel kind of lost and -to be honest- I'm not sure about sharing this with anyone I know. Yeah, there's some kind of prejudice towards asking for advice to people over the Internet who you don't know, but I think that's precisely the context which makes certain degree of sincerity possible. Long short story: I'm a 28 y.o. male, raised a catholic, had my first sexual experiences and lost my virginity at a later age, dated only a very few girls within a ten years span, always strictly stuck to the serious/commited/for-real relationship paradigm. In other words, I would only hook up with a girl as long as they were wife material, so to say. Obviously, I rarely spared any time for having fun. But that wasn't the only problem. For worse, those relationships turned out to be toxic, painful and bitter. No bed of roses. And no bed whatsoever. Period. I found myself settling for less over and over again. All of my partners had these specifical traits in common: low self-esteem, fear of intimacy, passive-agressive and antisocial behaviour, a tendency to play mind games, etcetera. And each time I met somebody, I would keep on making the same mistaken choice. Like if I thought I only deserved that. I wanted to be not only a saviour for those girls, but also I came to believe that I couldn't ask for more. Playing withing my league meant always playing way below my league. On October last year, I hit rock bottom. I was into the sickest and most damaging relationship ever and suddenly said "enough is enough". So... I decided, then, to make up for the lost time. Actually, it was more like an explotion rather than something rational. I wanted to broke free from both my religious education and the expectations others held towards me. I started visiting escorts. I won't get into details. Let's just say that it happened to be a relieving experience. Finally, I was enjoying myself. I allowed myself to have fun, just for the sake of it. I'm not interested in bringing up a moral debate about this. Truth is I became more and more relaxed and laid back after that (I'm not a sex addict or anything like that; I'm talking about five or six encounters from January to this current month). I feel more confident and comfortable than ever about my own body and my own sexuality. Nevertheless, I'm aware of the fact that escorts aren't what sex limits itself to. Sex is, I know, something more vast and rich and meaningful, and there's a lot more involved than only two bodies. It's not only something physical, but something affective. There's no need to explain this point. The thing is... I'm feeling lost right now, wondering "what now?" and realizing I just have no clue. I wanted to try something different aside from escorts. I signed up to a few dating sites, in order to have nothing but fun. And by "fun" I mean casual sex. Yeah, it's quite a narrow minded perspective. There are lots of ways to have fun. But it's sex precisely that particular way I dismissed all these years. And here it is, that same old mistake: I'm selling myself short once again. I chat and flirt only with girls and women who I actually don't find attractive at all. It's almost the same frame of mind that led me to my ex's. I won't discuss beauty archetypes or stereotypes. Let's assume the simple fact that there are attractive and unattractive people. Each one of us will have a different concept of what's hot, or cute, or average, or ugly. It's not that I'm picky. And it's not that I set my standards at a reasonable level, either. Putting it strictly clear: I go for the leftovers, the class-C material. I settle for less than the worse. No joke. And when I become aware of that, I want to punch myself in the face. Like... What am I thinking?! Here's my reasoning, my train of thought: -If I go after the girls/women I find hot and attractive, or at least cute, it's not fear of rejection what I fear, but the opposite. If we happen get laid, I'm afraid I become so attached that I won't let them go, because who knows when will someone as attractive as they come my way again. -On the other hand, chasing the less appealing girls/women will take little to no effort, and I'm not scared of becoming attached to them if we happen to have casual sex. But the thing is... I wouldn't get aroused or horny because they are not attractive to me. And, as a result, sex will be surely awful, as I verified it so many times in the past. Last night, I went out with a couple of friends. I thought that the good old face-to-face approach will pay off way better than the online dating thing. But I just didn't see anybody who caught my eye. Actually, it's been a while since anyone caught my eye. I feel attracted to nobody at all. I was uncomfortable at the bar last night, because people around me seemed to be playing a very different game. A party I wasn't invited to. Or, instead, a party I chose not to attend. Yeah, I feel hurt and disappointed and frustrated after my romantic experiences. I know that I'm not allowing anyone to reach me, to come closer, because it would make me suffer. Is casual sex a valid option? Of course. But only for those who are open to any other possibility too. Or, at least, for those who have most things already figured out, and won't get into a relationship if they don't want to, nor settle for less than what they know they like. Having a good time is fine. But I'm afraid I'm considering it from the wrong point of view. I'm obsessed with making up for the lost time, and I'm regarding casual sex as a way of proving myself I can have intimacy with a woman, I'm thinking of casual sex as a sport, like if gathering women meant something. I'm thinking all day long about this. And it's exhausting. I'm thinking whether I should approach that girl or not, whether I find them attractive or no, whether they're in my same league or not, whether I get turned by them or not, whether I should get laid with them or not, etcetera etcera. I'm living inside my head and there's a lot of energy I'm wasting on this. Maybe it's time to give it a rest, and leave it for whem I'm actually ready. I probably dedicate some time to myself and doing the things I like and what makes me feel full and happy. Stop thinking about girls and sex, and try to heal my wounds and put myself together before making any attemp to meet someone. I have so many doubts and questions about women, but I guess I will find out the right thing to do once I let it all flow. I need to rest my head. And it's funny, but years ago I used to feel guilty over sex, and now I feel guilty over not paying attention to sex. Well, that was a long haul. I didn't mean to write this much, but I needed to get it out from my chest. Thank you all so much for reading. And thank you in advance for your insight. 1
Author GrownCold Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 Ok, I guess it was a long, boring post. But I needed to expel all that out. It would be of great help to get one or two pieces of advice. I hate to say it, but I feel kind of desperated. Thank you.
Jasper123 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 At least you got it off your chest, just chill, everything works out in life and change your perspective 25 Inspirational Love Quotes That Will Change Your Perspective | LifeDaily
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