Being lonely...

[Sarabi]

Hmmmmm...

Ok so. I read something on a thread the other day about being lonely in a relationship/marriage(I can't remember who wrote it). I also remember someone who was close to me talking about feeling lonely in their relationship...

So. Can someone please explain this concept to me? Because I find the notion truly ridiculous maybe because I am not married or not in a relationship or have not experienced this in a relationship. Or perhaps I have too many sentimental ideas of what a relationship should be like...but how on earth can you feel lonely in a relationship...when you are not alone? You have someone, you are not single. They support you (or they are supposed to). You share things with that person. You are not alone...

AND

If you feel lonely why are you in said relationship? is it healthy? Is it just a phase that will pass? Will it get better?

 

I suppose it doesn't just apply to marriage but I'm posting here anyway

It is meant to be a general question, not about anyone in particular...any comments which will help me understand are appreciated

 

And no uppity, snitty, hoity-toity remarks if you please...

[TigerCub]

That's a good question.

 

I experienced that feeling in my last relationship.

I was always good on my own - but when we moved in together - things just went wrong and that was when I actually felt lonely.

 

- I moved into his place, he controlled everything in the house - I didn't feel comfortable at all

- a lot of times we wouldn't even have daily meals together - it was like living with a roommate.

- intimacy dwindled, and even during the evening after I worked out and stuff, if I wasn't meeting a friend, I'd just watch tv or read and he's just go to his computer room.

 

There was a big disconnect on a lot of levels, and I tried to address these issues, somethings got a little better for a little while, but overall, things didn't and that was the first time in my life that I actually felt lonely like that - and ironically it was when we lived together and I would never have thought I would be lonely.

 

I think the feeling lonely thing is probably related to feeling that the person that's supposed to be your team mate doesn't really have your back.

 

And no I wouldn't stay in that kind of situation. It's a very sad way to live.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh my! I would rather feel alone than lonely.

 

I remember that going through my head time and time again with my ex-SO. Perhaps when he was laying far away from me in bed because I'd done something wrong (?) and he couldn't bear to cuddle up to me because he was too angry. So instead I got to listen to him breathe and try and work out when he'd gone to sleep so I could creep to the living room and read (or cry) without making him more angry and being the cause of a fresh row.

 

I would feel lonely when we were out with friends. Usually before a social event he'd start to get anxious (therefore angry) and would pick a fight. Half the time the plans would be cancelled. But if we did go out he would be perfectly polite to me and affectionate in front of others, but when it was just us he'd explain that he wasn't feeling better at all, and just making an effort for appearances sake, which meant I was still in trouble. So I'd sit and smile at his friends, with his hand on my leg or whatever, knowing I was in for trouble when we got home unless he got too drunk and fell asleep immediately. That felt lonely as I felt disconnected from everyone.

 

I'd feel lonely when sat next to him with his arm around me watching TV but frantically trying to work out what was 'off' as my radar had gone off and I knew he had been up to something and I needed to work out how to tackle it to give me best chance of finding out.

 

I'd feel lonely when he'd decide to sleep in the spare room because he was sick of me and shouldn't have to put up with my sh.it (how dare I expect him not to sext other women, I'm so dumb!).

 

There's dozens of them. You can definitely feel very lonely when not alone. My abusive BPD ex is (hopefully!) an extreme though.

 

If you're with someone, invested and attentive, and their focus is elsewhere or it's not mutual, as much as things may be 'fine' on the outside it can be very lonely if you no longer feel connected to and engaged with the person you care about.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I experienced that in my marriage.

 

 

 

It sucks when the person who is supposed to be your best friend, is someone you no longer feel you can open up and talk to.

It is a lonely empty feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Totally NOT a good thing, sometimes it does pass... It sucks no matter what.

[dichotomy]

Marriage has many good things. but being married, especially being married a long time, can be VERY hard at times. You will find all sorts of feelings, situations, emotions you did not expect.

 

It is not uncommon for many marriages to have "roommate" phases, "I can't stand you" phases, "little or no sex" phase, and "lack of closeness" phases. Some marriage have a spouse that has to relocate, travel, or be deployed overseas for months or years away form them.

 

Sometimes these phases don't end, and the marriage ends.

 

You feel alone when the person is not interested in you, and focuses only on their own needs and wants, when they no longer wish to know you or be known, when their is anger hurt which leads to walls going up - or indifference.

 

And sometimes if your married really long enough, you might find your spouse near the end years suffering from a major decline in mental function like stroke, dementia or Alzheimer's. I saw this with my moms decline, her husband felt very lonely for 10 years.

 

You go into marriage for the better - and for the worse, but no body thinks about the worse part.

[Sarabi]

Wow

Thanks for the responses & helping me to understand what its like to be alone/lonely in relationships. I guess it can mean different things. I never realised...

& I am so sorry for what some of you have gone through in past relationships ..: