KissMyTiara Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Why don't MM involved in extramarital relationships understand that being a husband does not mean being a good father? That they are not synonymous?? Is this an excuse for not leaving the wife, or is it a real justification???
izzybelle Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 i think many may struggle with the fact that they may only be seeing their kids part time. and speaking for myself it is hard to only see the kids half of the time. but i believe, for me, that i'm a better mother because of it because i value the time more. in the past few years a number of my friends have gotten divorced and i've watched men who worked constantly and hardly ever seemed to have time for their kids, become incredible devoted parents AFTER the divorce. they too began to value the time with the kids more. i think they believe that they have to be there (supposedly) 100% of the time to be a good father. and that means being the husband. and for those that really are devoted parents i understand their reasons. they're afraid they'll lose their kids (emotionally). but what they don't realize is that they can "be there" for their kids and not be present. and i know, i'm not addressing the whole issue of comittment here. many, perhaps most, seem to think that just by being a "husband" and living there makes them a good dad. in my situation, that wasn't even remotely true. don't get me wrong, he thought he was the best father on the planet. not that my ex has become a better dad since the divorce in fact he's probably worse, especially since he spends so much time with his fiance. i think that may be part of the concern too, or maybe they don't think about it at all, that if they leave their wives to be with the OW (and i was one too KMT) that their relationship with their kids will suffer. and in my case, the W threatened him that she would destroy his relationship with his kids if he continued to see me. i think it's a complicated situation and i'm not sure my rambling helps or even makes sense!
StillHurtin Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 I agree w/ izzybelle. When my H ended his A and wanted our marriage to work all I could think of is that he only wanted to be back w/ me b/c of our children. We moved 90 miles away from him and I think it really bothered him that he couldn't see the kids more than every other weekend (court ordered). He hated seeing them leave. He wasn't the best of father in the beginning b/c he was gone a lot w/ his friends playing his sports. Now that we are back 2gether he seems to spend more time w/ them than he did b4. I think the seperation from being away from them made him realize that he needed to be around more and spend more time w/ them. Even though a MM is married doesn't make him a good father. If the married couple fight constantly, or dad is never home, that's not good for the kids. Sometimes it's better to be divorced for the children than it is being 2gether in a bad marriage.
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 8, 2004 Author Posted November 8, 2004 Izzybelle - interesting perspective. I hadn't thought about my MM potentially being a better, more devoted father after a divorce compared to how he is now, I just always thought that he would be just as good as he is now if he were to leave his W - does that make sense? I do think, based on my own experience growing up, that it is better to have two happy, separated/divorced parents devoted to their children than to have two indifferent and/or fighting parents living together, even if for the sake of the children. But then again, we are the women involved with these men...only the MM with children can really answer my question...
Owl Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 KMT- Thinking about your question, I would think that he could be a good father anywhere. BUT, he probably feels that he would be setting a horrible example for his kids if they ever knew about his affair with you. Kids are pretty loving and forgiving...but they're also not very forgetting. He's probably also worried about what the impacts would be of a divorce/seperation would be on his ability to be with his kids. Since he's the straying spouse, that COULD (dependent upon judges and state laws, I think) have an impact on how the custody of the kids worked out. So, being a father and a husband aren't the same thing. But, being a GOOD father and at the same time being caught up in an affair, divorce, seperation, everything else may not always be easy...or even possible. And I am a MM (not in an affair, but still male and married! ) with four kids.
Moose Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Very good post Owl, I'm married with 5 kids, and I'm definitley not having an affair, never will. I think the values of our next generations are going to be damaged enough as it is. To watch their Father leave their Mother for someone else is a hard thing to go through. My sisters have learned that it's ok to cheat and divorce. The real meaning of marriage has gone straight out the window. My question is, how can the other woman trust her new man if he's already cheated on his wife? My answer to that, is that she doesn't and never will and eventually will dump him for it.
Karlise13 Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 ...fathers also worry a lot about their childrens' perceptions of them as 'good people' I know a man who has an ongoing affair (once a month) with a mistress and who remains unhappily married to his very beautiful but very emotionally chilly wife. He's concerned about divorcing because (A) "She'd take me to the cleaners" (B) "She'd turn the kids against me" And no, I am not involved with this guy. I just know his situation via many conversations at employee happy hour events. He really is concerned that the kids would see it as him 'leaving their mother' and 'abandoning the family' Whether statistics point to happier kids who have happier parents, I think many people remain unconvinced when jt's their own children
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